Bipolar Check-in #79

I was throwing up so much last night from some Gatorade. I was coughing too because it was getting stuck in my throat and it was coming out my nose and there were these weird flake things coming out. I finally took one of my nausea meds I'm not supposed to and I fell asleep until 2AM. I took my AM meds and then fell back asleep until almost 8.

I drank a coffee today which caused me to throw up 3 times. I wish I could kick this coffee habit. But overall I haven't been in too much pain or nausea.

I have a few canker sores on the right side of my mouth from all this throwing up. It hurts to eat on that side. I hope I get this figured out before I do any serious damage to my teeth and mouth.

The girl I know who is faking dying in hospice posted another Tik Tok saying she is going home to start at home hospice. Yeah, sure Jan. You're going home because you aren't dying.

Man does my stomach hurt right now. I don't know how many times I've thrown up today. Someone told me their dad had similar symptoms and it turned out to be pancreatic cancer.

Somehow the pharmacy was able to fill my diazepam, gabapentin and Lamictal, but not my metformin or Cymbalta, so I picked those up today. Strange situation. I don't know why Dr K's office won't approve my metformin or Cymbalta. I should probably call. I'll do that on Monday. I don't feel like doing it today. I'm not going back to the pharmacy anyway.

I'm in a seriously cynical/bad mood today. I'm PMSing hard-core and I blame that stupid morning after pill since it's like a condensed birth control pill and birth control pills make me PMS (reason why I can't take them). I have serious man hatred today. I see my therapist at 2PM. I'm happy my therapist is a woman! Tmi but I'm spotting and have bad cramps 😫. My friend told me that when she had to take plan B once she spotted for an entire month. BOOHOO.

I'm pissed my husband squirted inside of me and got to reap all the benefits, while I didn't even get off (it was the middle of the night. He was tired. It obviously takes me longer than TWO ****ING MINUTES.). And now I'M the one who's spotting and cramping and PMSing!!!!! Seriously, all men have to do is worry about their ****ing dicks.

Ugh!!!

My credit score went up 13 points this month but I won’t be able to pay two of my credit cards off. (The third one has a zero balance.). I’ll have to pay half now and half next month I guess. It doesn’t help that I got a bill in my portal for $50 for food I ate while in the psych ER! Ugh. Plus, I got my annual paperwork for section 8. I hate the anxiety that this causes me even though I do it every year. I have a month to finish it before I have to mail it by the deadline.

@Moose72 your psych ER charges you for food while you are there????? That seems vastly unfair. It's not your fault you have to eat while in the ER. Plus if it is like my psych ER you'd have to eat a lot to make $50. I was there 36 hours and was given cold hamburgers, an apple and chips for lunches and dinner and a bowl of cereal and an orange for breakfast. Plus a ham sandwich with my meds so I didn't get sick. It seemed they wanted the food to be so awful nobody would come in just to get a meal. (On the floor the food is good so it's not like this is typical for the hospital). It was so gross I didn't eat hamburgers for about 6 months afterwards.


Congratulations on the credit score!

According to my therapist I'm clinically depressed.

BOOHOO.

Thanks Dr K for taking my depression seriously at my last appointment. You know, lowering my gabapentin dose was REALLY going to help with that. Now I'm just anxious AND depressed (and pissed off....but I blame plan B for that).

I all of a sudden can't take a **** and its killing my stomach right now. I haven't had this issue since I did PT in December. I weighed myself just now and I've dropped like 2 pounds since yesterday and I've already lost 8 pounds this month. Wtf is going on with me.

The person I was talking with today on Messanger said their dad couldnt go for 5 days no matter what he took. He also had the same hernia I have that the doctors said wasn't a big deal and now he has stage 3/4 pancreatic cancer

My appetite is out the door now. Things are bad. Why is it always on a Friday.

Anxiety is still there today. Leaving in half an hour to pick up my eldest son I haven’t seen since February for brunch. Looking forward to the catch up with him. Then going to get some pants tailored. Then grocery shopping.

I’ve been keeping myself busy this morning by doing lots of tidying up. Did my bedroom, the main lounge and the entranceway. I still have the small lounge left to do. I helps keeping occupied. I don’t want to take my benzo for anxiety because my pdoc only gave me 25 so I have to use them in a real panic attack. Which Ive had to do twice since prescribed.

Tuesday is parent teacher interviews. The interviews will be fine, I generally find parents supportive. I don’t particularly want to be at work until 7:00pm though. I’ve been sleeping so much lately that’s a really long time to be stuck at work.

Having issues with our neighbour, again. Twice this week when our Labrador has barked he’s gone up to the fence to yell at him. Honestly the dog barely barks and when he does it’s for a short amount of time. Yesterday when I was at work my partner said he came to the front door. He didn’t answer. Now we’re on tenterhooks waiting for him to complain about our dog again.

Such is life.

I've taken so much gabapentin and seroquel... WHY AM I STILL ANXIOUS?! I feel like I'm on the verge of losing it. I don't know what's wrong with me!

Winding down from another great day - a bit symptomatic, but I don't know if it's because I'm a bit manic or just happy. I have had so many dark days it feels so good to feel good again, although I am aware that I stopped taking my morning meds - keeping a close watch on that.

I am getting naturally sleepy though, so that is a really good sign. Had such a great day at work today and then drove an hour and a half to fix my dad's computer - who knew that CTRL+ALT+DELETE can still perform miracles? Either way, they were so grateful, I am glad I was able to be helpful to them - I owe them so much already.

Don't know what to say. My SDit is allergic to chicken. Victoria is still not really talking to us. I feel like I lost her. When h did try talking to her she snapped at him. She doesn't even respond to texts. We are committed to staying here. Hopefully we don't loose the car. See pdoc Monday no idea what to say. I'm going quite again. I hate when I go quite. My mom called and we talked for awhile. I'm lactating and I'm not pregnant. I don't want to go off latuda. I'm just done. I want to live somewhere that I can have independence. I've become someone I don't even want to be around. I'm waiting for my husband to say he wants a divorce. We've been married almost 20 years. I just want to feel better. I ordered pizza tonight even though we need it for bills and Victoria's friends are coming. Husband hurt his back Dr says stretch it. I realized before moving here we regularly did things 3-5x a week now nothing we haven't really found a community here.

I went with my mom to do a grocery pickup and I puked twice on the way home. Luckily I had brought a bucket with me. I threw up a few times when I woke up then once when we got home. Now I'm lying down in bed trying to deal with this nausea. Probably from still being constipated. I slept good last night though. I just can't really leave my house much. I took my AM geodon and pantropaloze with a couple cookies. Eating with them didn't help.

All the junk i ate on Thursday came to haunt me yesterday when i had a very messy upset stomach for ten hours, starting at 4:30am. I didn't have any other episodes since mid-afternoon yesterday and thought it was over, but then i had another attack at 9:00am today FROM DRINKING TOO MUCH WATER! Christ, i just had about 200ml. I CAN'T DRINK ANYTHING!

I kept pop down okay yesterday from mid-afternoon on tho. Pop settles my stomach. But the caffeine kept me up all night and i finally got up for good at 4:30am again today. I napped from 6:00am to 9:00am at least.

I put out my tiny bathroom cups to serve myself fluids in. The advice is to drink a lot to prevent dehydration during a stomach upset like mine, but i find that's disastrous for me. I really have to dry my digestive system out. I have a caffeine-deprivation headache tho.

I managed one piece of toast yesterday. I tried oatmeal today and that's when i had the attack so i threw it out. I had one piece of toast later and kept it down, so i guess that's my diet for the near future.

Oh, well, i'm so overweight it's not like i'm gonna waste away...

I wonder if i will ever be able to eat normally again, or if my stomach is just broken...

My sleep is really messed up. I get to bed and sleep for 2-3 hours, then I'm up for about 4 hours but super tired. Then I go to bed again at about 4am and sleep another 2-3 hours.

I'm hearing a humming sound in my right ear. I read that some people on Vraylar experience this side effect. I can hear it all the time and when people are speaking, it goes up and down with their voices. Hopefully it'll settle down soon.

My anxiety is getting better. I take Klonopin just 2-3 times a week now. I was taking it twice a day before.

I'm starting to feel a little less depressed, too. I think the Vraylar is starting to work.

Goal-based activity is way up. I'm super focused and I need to remind myself to take a break sometimes.

I get it, girly. I get $20 and spend it all at the Dollar Tree on Moon Pies, mango banana mush, and shytty beef jerky (and that's a looooooooot of beef jerky) and then I eat it all (and puke until the verge of death but that's irrelevant). I asked when I was in the hospital if I can ever get my hunger cues back on track and she said yes, but it'll take a damn long time

Another great day - I think since I finally released myself from my ex, things have just been getting better and better. Woke up early and had a good workout at the gym with my friend, then met my sponsor for lunch, (she drove an hour and half from Raleigh to see me), treated her to lunch at my favorite Italian restaurant because was the least I could do - had a great time we talked for hours - she invited me to spend the night at her house so we can go to her homegroup meeting and meet up with some of my old friends from the rehab I graduated from.

Then came home and talked for another two hours with my good friend in town and ordered us tickets to a cool play at our local theater that a lady at our AA meetings is playing the lead on May 16th. It will be also nice to support her and go to a play! Haven't been to one since I left New York.

Also made plans for a slumber party girls' night at my house Wednesday night - we'll watch movies, eat junk food and just have fun! She will be the second guest in my butterfly guest room.

Still watching the mania because I am not taking my morning meds, but I think I should just enjoy the good times.

Yesterday and today have involved a lot of emotions, both good and hard. Yesterday, I had to cross my info off of prescription labels of expired meds I turned in today as part of a expired/unwanted meds collection day. While doing this, I came across the prozac bottle I was prescribed when I started seeing my first pdoc-this med triggered a mixed state that led to my official diagnosis. I decided to keep the empty bottle since that med led to such a life changing moment in my life. I'm actually grateful it triggered an episode so I could get the diagnosis I needed/thought I might have.

Today, one of my best friends got married! Her, and her family, mean the world to me because they take me in on Thanksgiving and Easter if I have nowhere to go. The wedding ended up being a reunion of some of us who no longer live near each other but all met around the same time 6 years ago. I was even fortunate enough to get to sit at the same table as my mentor and as a family of 4 I'm close too (they both live in different states than me now). I had a lot of gratitude for having everyone together in one place, a ton of social anxiety/annoyance with myself about this, sadness about the life I wish we still all had together in the same city, and gratitude for these people in general.

I sure am lucky to have all of these people in my life, even though I don't regularly talk to everyone that was part of the reunion. I wouldn't be the person I am today without them.

Getting together with my trans friend that Ie known for about 20 years. She lives about an hour and a half away now and haven’t seen her for at least six months. Then after she leaves., my friend is coming over. It will be a social morning.