Bipolar Check-in #79

I got some Align delivered from Walmart. My GI told me yesterday to try it. I was in the bathroom long enough to concern my mom so I took the first one tonight. I'm hoping I can get rid of my other stomach meds and just take this.

Mood wise things have been ok but my anxiety has been rough today.

My mom was kind of annoyed that I was "protecting" my cousin who is not talking to my uncle because of a bad divorce from 2008. Its not that I was protecting her or sticking up for her, its just you can still like the person just not their behavior. Plus theres a lot of other people involved in this situation besides that one cousin.

@BeyondtheRainbow

Yeah. I absolutely CANNOT reduce my gabapentin dose. I feel so much better anxiety wise now that I'm back on 800mg 4x. As in, no anxiety at all anymore. It sucks seroquel is making me so fat and lethargic and lazy because I have zero psychosis on it. No paranoia. No negative entity. No questioning my reality. No snapping my wrists with rubber bands to make sure I'm not dreaming. No hallucinating my family being home when they're not. No fear of reflections.... you get the idea.

I'm weaning my own fat *** off it though. I'm on 50mg of loxapine still. That's just going to have to be enough to keep the entities at bay. I'm too close to 200lbs for comfort. At this rate I'll be 300lbs by next year! Unacceptable. Not good. Not okay. I have to take matters into my own fat hands.

I am on loxapine but I am guessing that my inability to pee was due to it.

This morning around 2AM I threw up in my sleep. I was just dreaming about my hot PT when I all of a sudden needed to throw up and I had like sleep paralysis or maybe I got caught in my blankets, because I was stuck and starting to choke. Finally I was able to roll over on my side and I yakked the ensure I had at midnight all over my comforter. Then I sat up and started coughing. I went into the bathroom and threw up a bit some more. Then I cleaned up my bed the best I could but I'll have to wash my comforter. Then I fell right back to sleep until 6AM.

Today I feel decently I guess. My stomach is a bit off though. Mood wise I'm ok.

I'm eating less and throwing up but gaining weight. Which doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Does anyone know what this could be?

I used to be on, I think it was, 150mg of loxapine, but I weaned myself down to 50mg because it was making me lethargic. Then we increased my seroquel and now I'm having the same problem on seroquel except seroquel is making me gain tons of weight!!!

Ugh!!!

Can't win. I think I'd rather be back on more loxapine and less seroquel if I'm being honest. Or SOMETHING that's not going to turn me into a lethargic whale!!! If only Haldol hadn't stopped working. Sigh.

@Mountaindewed

That's odd.

Could it be fluid retention?

My guess would be that most of what little makes it past your stomach is sitting in your intestines causing the weight gain. It would make sense your body is holding onto as much water as it can since it's losing so much.

I don't like this. I think I'm okay, and then all of a sudden it's like a ghost takes any life out of me and I'm just a shell. I've been on some crazy rollercoaster for so long, and in one moment BAM I'm floating as nothing more than an idea in a vacuum.

I have to go call my CM because I do NOT feel safe right now.

edit: I have not stopped crying for like two hours now

Im enjoying my death and grief class. its an intensive 3 week course. i went to ones friends funeral last night and have another to attend on sunday. so sad. and my friend lost her baby at 36 weeks. its awful.

My husband and daughter kidnapped me this afternoon and took me to the park with them, when all I wanted to do was isolate in the bedroom. They made me walk up a really steep hill. I was like, "You guys have got to be kidding me! I can't walk up that steep hill!" And my husband was like, "Come on. You can do it!" And I did it. And felt like I was going to die.

But it was fun 😁.

Ugh. I'm so pissed at myself. My metformin and 200mg seroquel tablets look very similar, and I wasn't paying close enough attention last night and accidently didn't take my metformin instead of my seroquel! I thought I fell asleep too easily. Fudge. So TONIGHT I'm not taking my seroquel. I actually paid attention. Hopefully I'll be able to fall asleep okay.

I'm still taking my 100mg during the day for now because I don't want to get sick. I've gone off seroquel before. I know how nauseating it is.

I just got my lab results in the patient portal. I have had slightly elevated glucose and A1C levels for about 18 months. I dropped my A1C to a good level in the fall and he didn't order a repeat of that. But I got my fasting glucose results and I'm diabetic. My glucose was still just over normal but he had told me that I couldn't keep sliding. So I guess I'm enjoying carbs from now until I see him next week.

I'm so sad. I have worked so hard and lost a lot of weight (which stopped when I needed Seroquel) and have exercised and I still didn't fix this. With my family history combined with APs this was very likely but I hoped to delay it longer.


Oh, and my meds keep me numb enough I can't cry which is all I really want to do right now.

This sucks.

@BeyondtheRainbow

I'm sorry to hear that. 😔

It really sucks when your meds make you too numb to cry.

I understand completely. I had to cut my clozaril dose in half this year because my levels were toxic and that's why we added the Seroquel, just to get a little boost and (mostly) to help me sleep. But the combination of APs has done something no other med alone or in pairs has done. But even the 50 mg is causing problems. I'm going to try the gabapentin reduction if that's what she decides knowing that I can use what I taking as a PRN (I assume, gotta clear that with her).


I wish there were one magic pill that covered all APs, ADs, mood stabilizers and anxiety. It would be a pretty color too instead of my dull meds.

They have a med like that. Not a pill. Propofol no psychosis, mania, depression, or anxiety on that stuff

@MuddyBoots well, I guess that's true.....I was thinking of something without my own personal anesthesiologist (or in Michael Jackson's case random unqualified doctor).. But it's true that does give you a break for a bit

I had huge EPS issues on loxapine. I had full body muscle tightness, uncontrolled oral movements, and I can't remember what else. I think I had trouble urinating but was able to do so with effort.

Sorry you're having trouble.

My doctor's appointment yesterday was okay I guess. My doctor wasn't willing to do exactly what I was hoping for, but she was willing to prescribe a med that would limit the amount of times I would have hormone fluctuations throughout the year. My plan was to talk with my pdoc about it and a concern I had about this option. But, the med was denied by my insurance so it doesn't really matter anyway. CVS sent me an email saying it was denied and that I'll get a letter with more details. Although, as I type this, I realize I didn't update my address with them---whoops! I have to pick up a different med anyway so will ask them about it then.

I don't know wtf happened last night, but I swear half the police force was outside. Is it bad I saw them and immediately thought "what did I do now?" lol.

I'm supposed to meet with a friend in a bit and my partner later on. I don't want to do either. I saw a thing on reddit where someone said they kept thinking/saying "I want to go home" despite never really having a place they could call home, and I feel that. None of the places I've been felt like home, but right now I could really use the comfort affiliated with a "home." I don't know. Right now I just don't want to be.

I just want to be normal. I'm on the search for a new apartment. It's daunting seeing my list of needs. I'm worried my accomodations won't go through. I really want one place I saw but I have to get together the housing deposit. That's going to take me months and it'll be gone by then. I want to just give up. My husband is depressed so he's sleeping all the time. My dog is old so she's having trouble. My kid barely says hi to me. Nothing is getting done in the house. I asked to hire a cleaner and was met with opposition. I can only do so much. We need to get in order before Victoria's friends come. I wish we could pack and move right now. Vocational rehab isn't getting back to her. Everything is just a **** show. I hate being depressed.

I’m in Rhode Island. I don’t know why. I hear the beaches are nice so I guess southbound we go???

This isn’t like when I went to WV, totally aware, am with one person I know as well as you can expect for meeting them a couple months ago and barely talking to them and their friend. I got to drive on I495 and apparently my suicidality is shown in both the fact I got onto 495 and the way I drove lol. Before we hooked up to the big boy they made me switch. Wimps. Must’ve never crossed the border other than going to the dispensaries that might as well be in NH haha.

I don’t know if I’m going back to NH. I can be convinced, but I have enough packed for a night so I guess I have enough for life. I was supposed to spend the night with my partner tonight. Guess that ain’t happening because I am NOT taking the roads through MA again, but busier.

Why do I do this stuff? I don’t even enjoy it except for the “I don’t know what’s next” feeling I always have, but now it’s with a change of scenery.

Haven't been here in a while, went back a couple of pages on the thread to give hugs and see how everyone is doing. Things have really changed in the past few days for me since I backtracked and called my ex.

I met someone. Well actually, I know someone. I have been talking to him since January since Giovanni left. The greatest thing about this is, it was just a private message conversation back and forth every day for the past five months. No romance involved, just genuine friendship, conversation, and advice from someone who knew about all I was going through. Things have evolved since then, and even though I have zero intention of going into another relationship, it feels so good to feel feelings again.

It looks like I can finally close the door on my relationship with Giovanni. I am open to new possibilities and moving on. My pdoc appointment is on Tuesday, and even though I know she's going to yell that I've stopped my morning meds, I have never felt better.

I did something bad and I drank an energy drink this morning with 200mg of caffeine. I asked my mom to get me a Prime hydration water and she got me an energy drink instead. It didn't do anything. Just caused me to be focused all day instead of BS on my phone. I didn't even take my first valium until almost noon and I'm not even sure I took the 3rd one.

I watched the first 2 episodes of the new season of Allstars, the last episode of Quiet On The Set, and this documentary on Barney The Dinosaur. I knew it was cool to hate him when I was in kindergarten back in 1998, but I didn't know it was an actual thing with an I hate Barney fan club and messed up creators and cast members and death threats and all that ****.

Now I'm just chilling out doing nothing. I've puked a couple times today but it was mostly just this morning when I threw up a ton around 2AM. Luckily I fully woke up this time and I had a bucket next to my bed.

I went to the gym today despite my swollen feet, 4 hours sleep, and Vraylar withdrawal symptoms.

I worked out at medium intensity, just arms and legs. I didn't feel better afterwards, but I went and tried anyway.

Sorry I haven't posted much lately. I've been feeling kind of "meh" if not downright depressed lately. I have idiopathic peripheral neuropathy, and it has been really bad lately. Neurologist prescribed me gabapentin & oxycarbazepine, but it doesn't help at all.

Lost power last night because of bad storms in the area. I didn't sleep well at all without the fan and air conditioning on; it was hot and stuffy. We were out of power over 15 hours, and after that, I had to end up junking stuff in the refrigerator - raw meat, milk, cheese, butter, etc. Probably lost over $100 in food.

Grr...listening to my daughter's online National Honor Society induction, but they start the livestream out with a PTA meeting...WTH?! Really feel like crawling into bed but need to wait for my daughter to get inducted. At least our last name is near the front of the alaphabet, so once the darn PTA meeting is over, hopefully, DD will be inducted near the start of the ceremony, and I can try to sleep.

I got the letter from CVS explaining why my insurance denied the med my pcp prescribed. I didn't even think of this until my pcp had told me the med had to be pre-approved. It has to be pre-approved because my insurance plan (which comes from my job at a Christian school) only covers meds that are considered birth control for very specific conditions. My pcp coded it as needed for PMS, which makes sense since I'm sure there isn't a code she could send in saying the med would be used to manage bipolar symptoms. But, PMS symptoms is not one of the accepted reasons by my insurance plan.

This bites. How is it that insurance companies are allowed to have so much control over someone's life solely based on codes doctors send in!?

I know risperidone can mess with hormones. Maybe, I'll get lucky and my overly sensitive to medications body will allow risperidone to mess with my hormones in a way that will end up working in my favor...