Bipolar Check-in #79

My class were soooo bad on Monday I was in tears in the assistant principal’s office yesterday. He told me they’re splitting up the class in about 5 weeks time because they’re a known problem to all teachers and they have to break kids up.

He’s coming to my class period 1 today today to reset some boundaries. Whilst I’m grateful it doesn’t really solve the problem of me having to teach them for the next 5 weeks.

Sunday I was in an absolute state of anxiety about Monday and it was 10x worse than anything I had experienced. Ughhh. I just hope I never have a breakdown in front of the class !

I don't know why but I am shakey as all hell right now. I had coffee dammit I can't even type but it was only one medium so idk. Maybe because all I ate in the past two or three days is a couple oranges and a pint of ice cream I split with two other people? What if I had some sort of significant physical or mental trauma given I hardly remember the past few days and I do remember getting elboewd in the face and then nothing until the next morning and been with practically strangers in who in the world knows?f I do have a black eye now but I don't think that's from the elbow because that was days back and I just saw it this morning. Could be delayed adrenaline rush from MA interstates

I am back in NH. Case manager called this morning and said I really need to show up tomorrow and have a chat with her and my therapist (supposed to have an appointment with T anyways). CM stressed I need to start getting my shyt together. She stopped saying "have a good day" like when she'd call in the morning in the past and now it's "have a safe and positive day." That doesn't sound as fun I don't want to go tomorrow. If I don't go I'll be the frustrating client that skips appoinments and proves they don't want to get better, but if I do go I'll be the frustrating client that shows up to appointments saying they want to get better but then does not try at all to not give into impulses in between sessions.

but I'm starting to think a lot of this is going to come back and I'm going to be scared shytless by all this. Maybe one day I'll care about my life and look back on this period and go to the opposite extreme and start hiding from threats and triggers/becoming avoidant?

edit: this city isn't nice to me. I already feel the bad feelings in my bones.

So high today I can't help it. My new relationship is taking off hard and fast with all the new experiences and sensations that a new relationship will give. Out of all the tears and all the pain I have endured the past 6 months, I think I am finally at a place of healing, and my ex is now a thing of the past. My sleeping pattern has been all crazy because of all the excitement with this new man this past week. It's electrifying.

More good news is that I spoke to my pdoc this morning and she didn't yell (in fact the complete opposite) that I stopped taking my morning meds. In fact she said that as long as I stay stable, I can just continue taking the 2mg of Risperidone at night. She even put on the table that we can discontinue the Lithium within the next three months because I am doing so well. I am so relieved. I am so scared of the long-term effects of Lithium.

I am flying high, but not in mania, just feeling happy. I told my mom today that I was so tired of being afraid of mania because I have been so happy, and things have been turning around.