[Blueberrybook]

I was hospitalized in Dec. 2023 with severe mania & psychosis. It was my 4th psych hospitalization or maybe 5th, I can't remember.

It was a very traumatic period for me. A lot of the first part of it I barely remember or just have flashs of. When I started to stabilize some on the antipsychotic, I was in bad shape. They had me in restraints for days and even diapers (sorry for the TMI). I lost my voice from screaming. I was stuck in restraints with no voice in diapers and remember so clearly just being completely helpless. It was the worst feeling in the world.

I was in the hospital around 2 weeks. I am still getting flashbacks of the period, stuck in restraints for days, voiceless, in diapers for God's sake. It's like I can't get over it. I know I probably should try talk therapy again but really, I've tried over a dozen therapists in the past, CBT, DBT, etc. Nothing has really helped.

Has anyone else ever felt traumatized by psych hospitalization where it was just a horrible experience and is so terrible to remember? OMG, I just want it to STOP.

[Mountaindewed]

Yeah I have bad flashbacks from one time when I was 14. I was in the psych hospital in restraints and my blood pressure dropped or something and I was just left there for awhile with the blood pressure cuff on and the psych tech would come over to take my blood pressure and give me sips of fruit punch Gatorade. I felt so out of it.

Yeah... not good memories.

[raspberrytorte]

Yes. I OD'd on benadryl and woke up in the ICU with zero memory of what happened and without my contacts in so I couldn't see anything, with a breathing tube stuck down my throat. I couldn't talk. And none of the nurses would tell me what happened! Then, while still in the ICU (and unable to see anything), I was convinced that one of the night nurses was going to murder me if I fell asleep (this was five days completely off all my meds).

THEN because I was without my meds I was having really vivid nightmares when I DID fall asleep, and once I was finally in the psych ward it was STILL three days before they put me back on my meds, so I was med withdrawing AND having nightmares AND anxious and sick. The hospital I was at allowed all patients .5mg of lorazepam to take every four hours as needed, and other patients took pity on me and asked if I could at least take that (I was withdrawing from 40mg of diazepam) and the nurse just snapped, "No! She had a very serious drug overdose!"

Seriously. I think the only reason why I finally saw the IP doctor and was put back on my meds is because my case manager came to visit me and got pissed I wasn't on any of them.

THEN because of the breathing tube I developed a horrible lung infection and had to be put on antibiotics and I spent two nights in the hospital hacking up a lung.

It was just terrible. I've never felt more dejected 😔.

To this day I'm afraid to fall asleep with the lights off. I'm afraid I'll wake up with that stupid breathing tube stuck down my throat if I do.

And it all could have been avoided if the stupid woman on the crisis line hadn't blown me off.

[Blueberrybook]

@mountaindew - They left a blood pressure cuff on me forever (or at least it felt like it) after I gave birth to my daughter. It couldn't have been that many hours, but it still sucked.

@raspberrytorte - Waking up with a breathing tube is awful. I had that experience after waking up from surgery to repair a perforated ulcer (no relation to psych meds/issues). The breathing tube was pretty horrible though I was in such immense pain, I couldn't pay much attention to the breathing tube. Even the morphine didn't put a dent in that pain. Plus, I was hallucinating a lot too as a side effect of the morphine. And I really thought that medical hospitalization was quite traumatizing until I had this latest psych hospitalization. The psych hospitalization was 1000 times more traumatizing than the medical one.

[raspberrytorte]

@Blueberrybook - I would have been fine with the breathing tube if I had some sort of recollection of what happened. My last memory was going into the ER via ambulance then I completely blacked out. I think I remember being tied to a gurney and screaming, but that's it. Apparently I became extremely difficult in the ER. At least, that's what a nurse told my husband, and I choked on activated charcoal and stopped breathing and they had to suction charcoal out of my lungs. I vaguely remember my husband visiting me in the ICU before they woke me upn and squeezing his hand.

Sorry your medical surgery was so awful. I regret my hernia repair surgery. I should have just dealt with it! Now I have to deal with this stupid mesh inside me and I gained fifty pounds in ten months!. Fukking surgery. Stoooopid me. Pisses me off. It was so painful and I've finally just healed enough to exercise again!

[MuddyBoots]

A couple times in the ER but never in the psych unit, but before when shyt went down and the police came "to make sure everyone was safe," but just escalated the situation.

Possible trigger:

In the ER once I was restrained and this guard put like half his weight on my right breast with his hand. Another time I was in alcohol detox and they restrained me on a bed (not a gurney) so my legs were spread ridiculously wide like right after I was raped. Restrained other times, but those were the two worst. During my first manic episode my partner at the time called 911 and they sent the police and when they found me in the woods they thought I had a knife so they pointed their guns, I think it was just the bean bags, but I don't know, at me.

Another time my dad threatened me with a frying pan and I went into total fight mode and of course the neighbors called PD who just saw a girl tripping over her words yelling so they carried me out and tased me because I tried getting away.

They also maced me once because I ran out of my pdoc's office after saying "fk crisis planning" and, again, went into fight/fight mode and pissed them off. Great ways of handling mental health crises these police have.

Another time was my fault, but I eloped from a hospital in the middle of the night and ran down a road and was almost hit by the police car looking for me.

Now I'm aggressive AND do anything I can to hide my unwellness/dangerous behavior to EMS and professionals that don't know me well enough to tell when things are worse than usual and legitmately require a hospitalization rather than just coming up with cope-ahead, crisis planning methosd and maybe a check in between sessions

But yeah, severe avoidance of police and treatment team when I know I'm unwell or at least know my behavior is going to come across as dangerous to them (or is straight up illegal).