[MuddyBoots]

It has come to my attention today, that I may be a tad elevated and things are a tad unsafe. I have a case manager who is trying to get me into treatment faster than the three month waitlist, but I have not heard from her since...idk when, it wasn't today and I don't think it was yesterday. Not sure what to do and honestly I keep wondering how the fk I'm still alive and it must be because I'm ******* immortal. I haven't been able to get too much sleep lately, and I've been alternating between incredibly tired (for some reason keep becoming anemic) and, right now, feeling like I never have to sleep again.

Does it count as mania if the "symptoms" are only when you're dissociated, and then you come back I guess and you feel as regular as a person can, but you find out you've done some shyyyyyyyyyyyyyyt?

(Totally didn't walk 6 hours to my dad's old place only to find he has been AWOL. Also don't have snip its of last night being in the middle of nowhere with the drunk chica sitting 'round a bonfire and then all of a sudden find myself in a drug den and slipping out at some point when it was dark). Does using count if you don't remember it?

What am I doing???????????

[Crazy Hitch]

Ahhhh (((Muddy))) yes let’s hope treatment starts sooner than your 3 month wait list so you can be safe.

Are there any strategies you can put in place to be safer?

[MuddyBoots]

Not sure. I’m waiting to talk to a crisis line, but I’ve been on hold for 25 minutes so far

[Crazy Hitch]

Did you manage to get hold of someone?

[MuddyBoots]

Yeah. They just frustrated the hell outta me though.

[Crazy Hitch]

Sorry to hear you were frustrated

[MuddyBoots]

I don't really know if it's "mania" or just BPD on overdrive due to interpersonal stressors. I'm starting to feel it's more the latter because I just felt great spending some time being with this chica I'm kinda starting to think is getting into FP territory, but she had "something else" to do so now I'm just kinda here wasting space and now it's like that time didn't even exist because she's not here RIGHT NOW so she obviously stopped caring about me and I'm gone to her or maybe is thinking/talking shyt about me or that "something else" is "I got fed up with Sam, so I'm going to spend all my time with better people"

and I've been thinking a lot about my dad and really realizing I'm not worth caring about and I should've never been born. And now I'm like him but worse because at least people realize he was consistently someone to avoid after hearing ANYTHING about him, unless you want trouble, but I'm like "heyyyyy " one minute then "get the fk away from me" and then "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I know you wish I were dead I do too. I'd do anything to make you happy even if that's offing myself," then a few days later "I realize that was manipulative, I won't do that anymore. I'm going to do better."

But I don't know. Someone said it was very obvious I was in an episode because I'm "over-reacting to little things, hostile to undeserving people, overdosing (don't know where they got that or with what or what his definition of overdosing is???), not caring about my health or safety or anyone else's health or safety, and extremely emotional. But is that really far off from how I just am and maybe he's gotten to know me? I feel like this dude is no bueno. He's constantly on my *** like "I don't know how to help, call your case manager and if she doesn't get back to you quickly call a crisis line" (WHICH AS YOU KNOW THEY CAN GO SUCK IT).

But like, yesterday I was on the ground in the park at night calling a crisis line crying "I don't belong anywhere, and I don't want to be anymore," and then it's been a rollercoaster of "I'm going to walk to California" and raging at whoever talks to me when I don't have five seconds to think through what I'm going to say or when someone messages me that has wronged me or is trying to be a know it all by googling something and giving me the first thing that pops up as an answer they act like they knew, or says "you can crash at my place" which obviously means they want me to get in bed with them, maybe their roommate too, which might be okay because obviously chica has more interesting things to do than spend time with me.

omg I'm awful. But maybe I'm just not ruled by societal standards? Or I am incapable of caring. But I think I care too much? Or I'm just not even a person, and I am empty and devoid of connecting or attaching or knowing anyone including myself. Or all I do is attach to people and need to be around someone so I'm not alone with myself at any time because that's the worst. Yet all I want is to be alone and listen to Black Dahlia on repeat. But I just want to watch chica sleep and play die first by Nessa Barrett at least in my head. And I filled out 3 housing applications today. But as if I'm going to live alone there which makes me sad.

I found this work-to-live type program where if you spend the summer working on the farm they provide a place to live and (home grown/killed/made) food! But they called and I immediately went to "I ain't spending 6 days a week outside in 90dF and humid weather just for a room when I could pitch a tent in the woods for free, shove it." But I wish I didn't do that now because they also pay you like $1000/month and train you in fields, cattle, and making cheese which I feel like making cheese would be rad.

Hitchhike an hour or so north to where I used to live and try to start up a band again or at least try to get restrained by the hot security guard at the hospital who groped me one of the times I tried running? Or take a train down to Boston and let my shyt go unnoticed?

I need a plan. I'm so directionless. I've never sold drugs, but this guy told me shrooms really helped him with his trauma and all the times I did shrooms I took a lot and just watched stars from lakes in the mountains or it was at concerts.

Holy fk I did not realize how long this was.

Tl;dr: don't know wtf is going on.

[unaluna]

So basically you dont know what to do with your freedom. Other cultures would deal with this differently and you would not have this problem. Like you would have been married off at 13 to a 40 year old man. So be glad you are not italian!

[MuddyBoots]

Sure, lot of freedom. Just nowhere to sleep.

[MuddyBoots]

I'm 'bout to start throwing bombs so adios.

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by unaluna

So basically you dont know what to do with your freedom. Other cultures would deal with this differently and you would not have this problem. Like you would have been married off at 13 to a 40 year old man. So be glad you are not italian!

Not screaming on the inside (or on the outside for that matter).

Yeah man (maybe TW?), screwing a 40 year old when you're 13 is one thing, but I could NOT have been married to one that would probably not even express an interest in me and would want a wife for the sake of being married, but also probably be off making pornos with the bytches from the other side of the mountains that spread powdery mildew to the local vineyard lmao.

But seriously, you're right. I do have a lot of freedom and don't know what to do with my time. I mean, I'm stuck in this city unless I find someone with a car, or I guess I could spend a day walking down to the train station and travel along the T. I really don't know what to do with my time other than go to the library, the park, or whoever the hell I'm on good terms with that day

(which I've been good to people for the second half of today. I've been quietly listening to my "fk a mofo up" playlist when I feel like fighting, and then when I feel like I'll forever be alone I'm a good friend. I've even called people who I've been nasty to (whether remembering it or just seeing remnants of it in texts or based on how they're acting around me) and said sorry. One person even said he sees I'm battling some demons and that we're good as long as I keep trying to improve.

I guess I just don't know the difference between "trying to improve" and "acting like I'm trying to improve" and I'm worried I'm more in the latter. Maybe by trying to make amends I'm just trying to lure people back in only to split again and not know how to control myself and hurt us both again?

Maybe I should just spend some time doing the Christopher Knight until I can chill.

[MuddyBoots]

Ughhhh I'm feeling the feels and I don't want to drive anyone away even more.

James Vincent McMorrow will always be there for me though

[MuddyBoots]

Do you think my case manager would leave me if I called her and was honest? Or would she send me IP because of the (sui) feels I'm having right now even if I do anything but act on them until they pass maybe in 10 minutes maybe in 10 days? She does have a "call if it's an emergency" number but I feel like anything I do right now would just be a "cry for help gesture" that isn't a big deal.

[MuddyBoots]

Don't lose it. Don't lose it. Don't lose it.

I swear to God.

If y'all don't hear from me it's because I got arrested.

[MuddyBoots]

I think I'm just overdoing it. At some points even within the past year I would go a couple days and the only person I'd see is my mom or S, and now I am CONSTANTLY trying to handle being in contact with what feels like half the city, jumping from apartment to apartment from park to park from Dunks to the library. Am I escaping loneliness and having to sit with myself? Of course. Is the constant push-pull and "I'll disappear from this earth for your sake" line I'm dropping to everyone any better for me or anyone else? Probably worse.

[MuddyBoots]

Okay, I need some thoughts here. Yeah, my firefighter that takes over that I have no clue what the **** is doing but gives me track marks and headaches, if y’all have any idea what to do with that that’d be good but I’m not expecting that.

But, here me out, now I’m walking around town and people are asking me to go into their drug den and asking me if I’d like a bump or bud & bed. I feel like at one point I won’t be able to handle this and I’ll go back to using all day and night regardless of whether I’m knowingly making these decisions or not.

Maybe if I can get myself somehow to be clean for an extended amount of time whether that’s IP for as long as possible or finding the strictest rehab I can find I’ll stop dissociating and thinking “screw it!!!” Long shot. Idk how they even treat dissociation.

[MuddyBoots]

Ugh how do I stop destroying everything I touch??? And then feeling bad about it. And then other people rubbing it in my face that I’m being self sabotaging or not trying or don’t want to be better.

I thought I was trying. I pursued treatment like everyone told me to, and that has gotten me to survive this far but at this point I don’t think there is a medication or therapist that can help. They said to find stuff you’re good at, and there are a lot of things I’m adequate at, but I’ve yet to really solidify any marketable skills.

And now I’m getting kicked out of a basement.

Is it even possible to really turn my life around at this point or am I doomed to forever start building a foundation and then wreck it whether intentional or unintentional?

This dude literally blocked me because he said to call NH coordinated entry and no one answered and the mailbox was full and I told him I didn’t leave a message because I couldn’t. I’ve called this number at least ten times over the past four months and nobody ever answers and the mailbox is always full.

He said I shouldn't live alone because I'd kill myself, but I would never be able to find someone who would be willing to live with me.

Should I even bother (telling myself I’m) trying? Will anything ever be worth it? Do I go shoot up a final and fatal Time and just become another statistic? Can I ever make up for the damage I’ve done without ridding myself of the world to prevent more damage?

It seems the harder I work at recovery, the more distant it is. Instead of staying at the bottom, I climb a little up and just fall harder.

I’d call my case manager like she said to if I were having difficulties tonight, but I feel like she’ll just say things were not bound to work out attempting to sleep in a basement of an abandoned building (with plenty of people coming in and out) with a guy I met a week ago. I’m running on fumes. I can’t go another sleepless night wandering the city hoping I bump into someone I’m actually on good terms with. I don’t think there’s anybody I’m on good terms with.

I don’t want to be.

I’m sorry for being a PITA. Just tell me to leave (the forums, society, the world, whatever) and I will.

[Crazy Hitch]

We're not going to tell you to leave

We're all here to get and receive support from one another.

[unaluna]

Sekf sabotage is a batch and a half. Im constantly second guessing myself - is this a good decision or totally bad? Because i somehow manage to screw myself and get negative results no matter what i decide. So for the past 20 years ive been smalling my life. The less i do, the less i can eff up.

[Victoria'smom]

Please stay. I know it's hard and I'm sorry for that. Try not to lose hope. Call your case manager if you have to. IP is not the worst thing right now. I'm sorry I don't have words right now but I'm reading and thinking about you. Stay safe my friend.

[MuddyBoots]

oh my God! My case manager came by earlier and said I have an appointment FRIDAY with a therapist!
Literally posted this jumping with joy all excited 3 minutes ago and now I just want to crawl in a hole and have someone fill it.

[Crazy Hitch]

Sorry it’s so up and down

[MuddyBoots]

I never had such intense interpersonal storms and an emotional rollercoaster that I felt with my entire being when I was in the woods passed out drunk alone every day.

Future can be better than present AND past???

I want to give everyone I've talked to more than twice a break from me. And I think I need a break from the amplified insecurity I'm feeling from feeling confident and hopeful with a person and then so unstable and vulnerable when there is the faintest (perception of) a slight, too. Yeah, being alone fking sucks, but talking to people every day and then feeling 100000% lonelier when you are sitting with yourself sucks more.

ahhhh FUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKK!!! I don't know how someone can go from soooo high and feel like everything is together and loving and passionate to feeling such despair, loneliness, and hopelessness and wanting to kill herself so freaking rapidly!

[MuddyBoots]

Honestly, I don't think I even have bipolar d/o. What are my "manias" but being a touch more impulsive than already very impulsive? Or feeling like this roller coaster got stepped up from Magnum XL-200 to Millennium Force? What are my "depressions" but simply not filling the void with some vice?

Haven't been on meds in a while and do not notice a touch of a difference.

[MuddyBoots]

]Vaguely remember talking to my case manager in person today. She was trying to get a hold of me, but I didn't answer any calls because it made sense that if I talk to someone, either I'll be honest and be shamed or punished or I'll lie and they'll think I'm okay. I'm afraid I'm going to wind up IP. Again. And then feel better in a day, get discharged, come out, and THEN DEAL WITH THE SAME SHYT.

Possible trigger:

I took 200mg of diphenhydramine last night. Was a bit out of it today