Bipolar Check-in #80

Period over. Yippie! Time to get the sexy back. 😈 Feeling good. My seven hour night must have been a fluke because last night I got three hours and tonight I got two. I'm excited for this week! Husband starts his vacation on Monday, then we're having a romantic date night on Tuesday, then we're going on our fourth of July trip on Wednesday! Yay! It's going to be an awesome week.

I woke up last night in pain and then I started barfing. I was throwing up so much and so hard I thought my teeth were going to fall out. I got back to sleep and somewhat slept decently.
I was so dizzy when I woke up I put my shoe on the wrong foot because I couldn't see straight. I went and got my blood work done without an issue. I got something to drink from Sonic since it was a fasting blood test and I've been throwing that up and now I am still dizzy and headachy and I have the chills and I'm kinda tired.

I'm not going on my 4th of July trip. I told my mom to just go without me and not to worry. I know my therapist is worried about me being by myself but there is no way I'd be fine in the car for several hours.

Idk if I should have gone to the ER. Maybe yesterday.

I'm sad about Martin Mull. He was so funny in Roseanne.

I feel kinda funny. I don't know what I need

Nervousness about my trip coming up in October is giving me anxiety even though its a far while away. I am just nervous about traveling, I haven't done it in a while. Just overall feelings about my ex are changing. I emptied the drawers in my dresser that had some of his stuff and put them in a huge garbage bag to dump. I am going to remove all things Giovanni in my house and replace them with things that remind me of my boyfriend. I need to purge myself of the past and move on to the future.

Concerned about my sleeping. I average 4-6 hours a night when I used to do 8-9 hours. I know it's probably because I stopped taking my morning meds months ago. I don't feel tired though, and I have good energy. Taking the morning Lithium and Risperidone dose used to kill me during the day, I couldn't make it without a nap and when I went to work, I used to struggle so much. I know it's a good thing I feel better, but after being hospitalized so much in my past, I always have an underlining fear.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend and taking good care of themselves. This morning's shower felt excellent too.

I have decided to never allow myself to get close to other people again. fuuuuucck that.

Also heard some loud bang just now. Not sure what that was. Welp, if it's anything to be concerned about...probably...

ayoo, got my foot back!

Anyone have an estimated time from onset of cellulitis to death from sepsis? Or even if that's a for sure outcome? Asking for a friend. She also wants to know how uncomfortable that way to go is.

Double dip on the check-in. Just feeling a wave of emotions. My gym buddy texted me that she wanted to go to an AA meeting. She's bored and restless. I'm annoyed though because she basically dropped me cause she can't afford her gym membership anymore but finds all kinds of money to buy nonsense off of TikTok. She's struggling it sounds, but she also dropped her sponsor and basically everyone else too. She reached out to me but didn't respond back to my text in which I gave her plenty of suggestions. Oh well.

Watching Svengoolie now with my friend and relaxing for the night. Going to church early tomorrow morning and then my parents for the day. Just really happy with my independence in my own place. Never really been on my own before, and just realizing how good this feels.

I got this week's groceries hopefully they last. I freaked out when h wanted to go somewhere today. I told him he could go but I was staying home. I need to brush my hair by Monday because I see pdoc Monday. It's bad. Everything I prepared for the dog counted on a car now I have to replan everything from training to food to vet. My dog has been in pain today and had a bloody stool so I have to keep an eye on her. Find her a new vet too. She's taking pet aspirin. I'm going to be a shut in if I keep it up. I don't answer the door, I don't talk to people even when talked to, I avoid Dr appointments because I have to go out. I don't even want to go to my parents house I'm extremely stressed about it. H says I can cancel going but that doesn't seem right. I don't know.

I slept all day. I woke up a couple times to eat something. But I could not stay awake the majority of the day. I've been up for about 4 hours listening to music and reading Reddit.

I had the news on so maybe it was legit. Or else I was just having a dream where I heard people were going to go look for the white buffalo and end up getting lost. My mom said she wouldn't put it past people actually doing that.

My gosh was it ever a crazy trip to get to the ship for Alaska!

Our original flight got cancelled and they wanted to fly us out the next day. That would have been impossible because the ship would have left by the time we arrived.

After much talking with the airline, we got on a flight going to Montreal and then go to Vancouver. Montreal is further away from Vancouver than Toronto, where we started but it was our only option.

The flight to Montreal got delayed by 2 hours, eating up all our time for the connecting flight. We landed in Montreal and ran to our connecting gate. I had to run pushing my mother in a wheelchair! I thought my heart would give out!

We were the last to board. It turns out our luggage didn't make the connection. So we spent the night in Vancouver with only the clothes we were wearing, didn't even have a toothbrush!

We were boarding the ship when we found out our luggage arrived in Vancouver. We had to get someone from the cruise line to collect our luggage for us since we were already 1/2 way through the check-in process. Our luggage arrived minutes before the ship left but we didn't know that. It had to go through security which delayed things by a couple of hours. So we thought that we'd have to buy all new clothes, etc.

In the end, our luggage got sent to our rooms. What a mess!

I left out a lot of other details like gate changes and running, while pushing my mother in the wheel chair!

We got middie seats and I'm a tall guy so I was stuck in the center seat unable to move. And my legs cramped. I couldn't sleep or read. I was tired and hungry and had to deal with my mother's issues too.

In the end we made it onto the ship and my mother is glad to be with us. We're a group of 7 people.

Now on to Alaska! The ship WiFi doesn't allow access to this forum so I don't think I'll be able to post anymore (I'm posting from Canada still) until I get back to Canada.

It is beautiful so far! And the food is great!

See you all in about 5-6 days. Take care everyone!

My anxiety is really high and Imodium is helping. Klonopin, not so much but it's better than nothing. Depression is still there but maybe it'll get better. Who knows.

Bye for now!

I got another 6 hours of sleep last night. So I slept all day and still slept last night. I woke up and I've been kinda tired so I had a couple glasses of iced chai. I threw up some water this morning. I'm trying to distract myself but then I get too distracted and then thoughts about the 11th just come back and hit me. So I'm trying to find a balance. I went down 20mg on my Geodon. I don't know. I only ate half of my bagel? Lol. A lower appetite is all I'm feeling tbh. I don't feel anymore anxious or anymore energized then I did before.

I was pretty down in the dumps for a bit. I was throwing up a ton. I finally got it under control and then took all my meds for the day. Now I feel better depression wise.

I just remembered I have my dumb at home wellness visit with my insurance company tommorow. Even a $100 gift card isnt worth it right now.

My mom just said thats it actually good if I do bad on this at home visit...

Haven't showered in a couple days. Weird sleep schedule. Told my CM to call before our meeting so hopefully I'll be awake. Get my butt in the shower before then so she doesn't have to smell my stank. Oh wait, it's summer. The stank is permanent and doesn't go away regardless of how many showers or use of deodorant.

The ole' partner isn't around. Been a mess since Wednesday--obsessively looking at this trippy looking piano print tee they gave me (not giving it back, gonna burn that beautiful POS). I keep looking at a I made a playlist before my last sui attempt, and I've been listening to/adding to it over the past few days.

I had some insomnia last night but still managed 6 hours of sleep. Lately I have been sleeping 8, 8.5 hr. a night, and I'm a little tired today.

I'm also quite light-headed today whenever I stand up from a sitting position. I know it's low blood pressure when standing, but I'm not sure what brought it on. I have been eating meals regularly and snacking, so I'm not sure what's going on there. I'm going to try to drink more water to stay hydrated. I hope it goes away soon.

I'm back so soon lol. I'm seriously thinking of another urgent call to the CM, but I just made one on Thursday, and I don't want to wear my treatment team out anymore than they are and have been.

I purged for the first time in months, and that was more blood than I've ever seen! It was bright red, so I'm assuming it's just some blood vessels popping, probably more easily after the relapse.

Sigh. If I had money I would totally go on a huge online shopping spree right now, but sadly I do not, so I won't. Probably for the best. I just need to upgrade my wardrobe since ninety percent of my clothes don't fit me anymore because I turned into a fat.

Been thinking about Husband all day and have been uncomfortably hot and bothered. Just want to jump him. He sent me this really cute picture of us circa 2002, probably our very first selfie (before the selfie and cellphones were a thing). Aw. We're so young! Like 20 and 21. Long *** time ago!

I woke up from a deep sleep with Adele blasting in my ear and my stomach on fire with pain. I took my temp and its normal. So I just took a couple tylenol and a couple dramamine and I'm waiting for the pain to go away. Some special about hurricanes is on TV.

I canceled my trip to Los Angeles and really beat myself up about it. Apparently, my period comes at the end of the month, and since I skipped last month I didn't realize the exact dates of it, and booked my trip within my period schedule. If it were to come while I am traveling or with my boyfriend, I really think I would have lost it, so I canceled everything. I was also very anxious about traveling, so I don't think I am ready yet to commit to something like that.

The hotel gave me a full refund, but the flight didn't which annoyed me to no end. I am feeling relieved, yet very emotional since my cycle actually started today, prompting me to realize all of this. Ugh, I hate being a woman sometimes.

@LadyShadow

I hate being a woman sometimes too!!! Men have it easy. They don't have to deal with periods and excessive hormone fluctuations and bloating and cramping and pain and pregnancy and morning sickness and squeezing something the size of a WATERMELON out of their crotch and having their body RUINED and stupid paps and mammograms and dealing with birth control (and the hormonal fluctuations that come with THAT) and PMS and being all emotional and shyt and CRYING. UGH!!

All they have to do is stick their d*ck in things and get off. Don't have to worry about birth control or getting pregnant. Nope. Must be nice being a MAN.

They also don't have to deal with the maintenance that comes with being a woman, like hair shampooing and washing and brushing hair practically down to your *** and shaving your legs and pits.

Sorry. I really do like men a lot (well, some of them). It's just that I just got done with my period, am horny with no relief in sight, have bad allergies and a pounding headache, am nauseous still and still spotting a little and am really PISSED OFF FOR SOME REASON. I don't know what's going on! My periods never used to be quite this painful, never lasted this long, and never made me nauseous before. I turned 41 and my body went to hell! I mean, it lasted SEVEN days. They used to last four! Wtf is HAPPENING. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!

Editing raspberry coming in: Got some. Feeling MUCH better now. A lot less angry. Lol. Sorry men for my man hating rant!

@Mountaindewed

Why are you going down on your geodon?

(About your psychiatrist... he doesn't need to know...)

the radio has been talking to me. telling me stuff. im not depressed or manic

I think I'm on too many psych meds and that might be one of the reasons I don't have much energy. I do feel more energized today without the 20mg. I got into the shower without an issue and actually took a legit one. Although I am still throwing up a ton.

I had an almost similar experience this summer. Our plane was late and our luggage didn't come with the same plane (the next plane).

After two days it arrived and the rest of the vacation was very, very good!

May you and your group's vacation be wonderful as well!