Bipolar Check-in #80

@Blueberrybook

Yes. With taking my seroquel.

Man am I in some severe pain right now. I've tried everything I can. All my stomach meds and OTC meds and psych meds and an extra valium.

This is bad. I keep puking up bile. I don't have a fever so I guess its not an ER thing.

I guess I just wait it out once again

@Mountaindewed - When do you see the GI again? Surely that much vomiting just isn't normal. I see a GI because I had a perforated ulcer & surgery for it a few years back, and my doc would freak if I were throwing up that much.

@Blueberrybook I go for a gastric emptying scan on June 4th. Then I see another GI at a different hospital on June 14th for a rotated right side intestine. They called it a malrotation or something. Basically my intestines are all on my left side. My first GI office said it wasn't an issue but I wasn't throwing up so much back then.

I do also have a small hyatial hernia that showed up on an endoscopy a year ago but they said it wasnt a problem.

So the plan is Victoria gets a job. She saves for a year if she's able to get an able account. We continue to look for a place. She gets on the waiting list for income based apartments. In that time H gets to know gf. 2 years in they look for a condo. 3 years in we offer them moving in here if they haven't found anything. So we have at least a year. I know in reality it'll only be a couple of months but my anxiety is less.

I am sorry I have not posted much.
still here just reading and not posting much.
bizi

I didn't mean to make anyone feel guilty! Just an observation that time has changed. Again. And it will again and again and again. And frankly I LOATHE change ..

I miss some regulars also.
bizi

I wrote the letter/text to my mom, but haven't sent it, and am not sure if I'm going to send it or not. I think it would break her heart. I don't want to make her feel bad. And it would seriously piss her off. My plan was to send it, then block her number so I couldn't see the response (...I already know what the response will be. Something a long the lines of me being ungrateful and selfish, and I can't handle a guilt trip like that right now). So I don't know. 😞 I want to completely cease communication and contact with her... but I don't want to make her feel bad!!!!

UGH! WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SO NICE!

@raspberrytorte I know you were struggling to write the letter-I hope it helped!

My physical health has been kicking my but the last few days. I was able to sleep a lot last night, so that helped somewhat today. My autonomic test is Wednesday! I'm worried about not being able to take my risperidone for the two days before the test. When I had to do this for my dizziness test, things went fine. But, since I just had to take my PRN for a few days and I have noticed some paranoia today, I'm worried about what will happen. I don't have to stop taking my lamotrigine this time, so that's good.

To those who have a three day weekend, I hope it's exactly what you need it to be!

Ayy my pee is telling me I'm not healthy. I'll drink a bit of water, not even a lot but enough throughout the day that I shouldn't be dehydrated, and immediately have to pee, and when I do it's dehydrated looking urine. If it turns out I have hep C again (not the same symptomology as last time though so I doubt it) I'm going to be pissed. I mean, I am itchy but I'm attributing that to too much plant sperm in the air.

Avoiding people has improved my mental health drastically over the last couple days.

Thats it im stayin inside.

I'm feeling better today. I've kept down my meds. And I took a shower. I went out for a lemonade. I haven't been too hungry but I've eaten ok and I only had one soda and no coffee.

I'm in my moms queen size bed today really stretched out and I have my glasses on.

I feel ok mental health wise too. Probably because I kept down all my valiums. Or my med increases are starting to work. But today is a lot better then yesterday.

Update: I thought I needed to eat. Now I'm throwing up chunks of porkchop. While listening to The Black Eyed Peas

Nobody wants to call me or hang out with me today! Not even the guy who I went to Chicago with 3 weeks ago. And no plans for tomorrow either. My mom says she’s sick so she won’t be hosting a get-together tomorrow. N3 is busy at work and studying today. I could clean my apartment- but the couch with a blanket over me is too comfy.

Should I just print this out and show it to my T next time I see her?

"How have you been?"
"Printed out a graph I found that describes it."
???

Sometimes I don't know what to say about the mindset I've been in. Maybe I'll crack out the journal and make a dark joke as a title (most important part) and then a short, serious entry as needed and bring that.

Last time I talked to her we pretty much just talked about the major not so great choices I've made recently and what triggered them. It's funny how somethings would obviously be extremely upsetting for someone with both fear of abandonment and engulfment fears somehow simultaneously can be brushed off as "yeah, I'm not at all upset about how everyone just fking left and proved they never cared about me. My partner treating me well and saying they wanted me in their life as much as possible and offered me to live with them definitely didn't scare the hell out of me and cause my mind to twist itself into probably delusional thinking leading to me ghosting them, but getting offended when after a few days they stop trying to reach out. After NOT being stressed by that, being blown off by a friend definitely didn't completely break me down and lead to a relapse of alcohol, weed, and stimulants." Oh wait... shyt, my tendency to question everyone's motives and easily get hurt ended up hurting others again when I made them feel like I cared and then proved I didn't, even if they fking deserved it.

Really good day today, except for me leaving my Skechers at my parent's house! I don't know what in my right mind told me to walk out the house with slippers on and driving all the way home! So absentminded. Said a bunch of curse words and yelled for about 20 minutes that I have to drive back a whole 40 minutes to get my shoes. Thank God my boyfriend was there to calm me down. Taking a shower helped too.

Overall, my mood is pretty good. Watched the Indy 500 with my dad and ate some really good food my mom made. Went to church this morning and prayed for my ex-husband because I still have a lot of guilt attached to that situation. I cried too, which was a good release.

Annoyed that I have to cut into my workday tomorrow to retrieve my Skechers, although I am thankful that it was just a minor inconvenience and something really bad didn't happen today.

My friend that I went to Chicago with went to the little 500 race today. The track is a lot shorter than the big race and the cars are smaller too.

Breakdown at work today.

Legit balled my eyes out in the assistant principals office over that horrible class that are so unruly. Couldn't stop crying.

Rang a helpline. They gave me a number that deal specifically with counsellors around work related issues. I've booked in a telehealth for Friday this week. That was the earliest I could get in. I could barely get out of bed yesterday. I just crawled into bed in a bawl and couldn't get up. My partner kept telling me to switch off but I just can't on the weekend. Oh the helpline lady text me a meditation or grounding exercise but I haven't had the chance to look at it yet.

She's also sent me a list of low cost counseling services because I told her I haven't seen my counsellor for some time due to finances (old counsellor charges $220 for 50 minutes - just out of my price range now).

I haven't been here in a very long time. Many of you might not recognize me at all. I've had my ups and downs, but both have been "between the lines." I think the new shrink's med ideas have helped me control my mood swings.

I recognize most of you. I hope you all achieve a level of level moods. Take care.

A few months ago there were giant translucent/orange spiders that attacked me, and they must've procreated because last night I saw a ton of those little mofos on my legs. I'm not particularly afraid of spiders, but these are freaky especially knowing how big they can get and how aggressive they seem to be.

In other news, I'm having trouble deciphering if in recent relationship deteriorations if they've screwed me or if I've screwed them.

I called my CM telling her "watch me as I elevate, ha ha ha ha haaaaa"(to the tune of Feel Good Inc by the Gorillaz)