Bipolar Check-in #80

Ayy my pee is telling me I'm not healthy. I'll drink a bit of water, not even a lot but enough throughout the day that I shouldn't be dehydrated, and immediately have to pee, and when I do it's dehydrated looking urine. If it turns out I have hep C again (not the same symptomology as last time though so I doubt it) I'm going to be pissed. I mean, I am itchy but I'm attributing that to too much plant sperm in the air.

Avoiding people has improved my mental health drastically over the last couple days.

Thats it im stayin inside.

I'm feeling better today. I've kept down my meds. And I took a shower. I went out for a lemonade. I haven't been too hungry but I've eaten ok and I only had one soda and no coffee.

I'm in my moms queen size bed today really stretched out and I have my glasses on.

I feel ok mental health wise too. Probably because I kept down all my valiums. Or my med increases are starting to work. But today is a lot better then yesterday.

Update: I thought I needed to eat. Now I'm throwing up chunks of porkchop. While listening to The Black Eyed Peas

Nobody wants to call me or hang out with me today! Not even the guy who I went to Chicago with 3 weeks ago. And no plans for tomorrow either. My mom says she’s sick so she won’t be hosting a get-together tomorrow. N3 is busy at work and studying today. I could clean my apartment- but the couch with a blanket over me is too comfy.

Should I just print this out and show it to my T next time I see her?

"How have you been?"
"Printed out a graph I found that describes it."
???

Sometimes I don't know what to say about the mindset I've been in. Maybe I'll crack out the journal and make a dark joke as a title (most important part) and then a short, serious entry as needed and bring that.

Last time I talked to her we pretty much just talked about the major not so great choices I've made recently and what triggered them. It's funny how somethings would obviously be extremely upsetting for someone with both fear of abandonment and engulfment fears somehow simultaneously can be brushed off as "yeah, I'm not at all upset about how everyone just fking left and proved they never cared about me. My partner treating me well and saying they wanted me in their life as much as possible and offered me to live with them definitely didn't scare the hell out of me and cause my mind to twist itself into probably delusional thinking leading to me ghosting them, but getting offended when after a few days they stop trying to reach out. After NOT being stressed by that, being blown off by a friend definitely didn't completely break me down and lead to a relapse of alcohol, weed, and stimulants." Oh wait... shyt, my tendency to question everyone's motives and easily get hurt ended up hurting others again when I made them feel like I cared and then proved I didn't, even if they fking deserved it.

Really good day today, except for me leaving my Skechers at my parent's house! I don't know what in my right mind told me to walk out the house with slippers on and driving all the way home! So absentminded. Said a bunch of curse words and yelled for about 20 minutes that I have to drive back a whole 40 minutes to get my shoes. Thank God my boyfriend was there to calm me down. Taking a shower helped too.

Overall, my mood is pretty good. Watched the Indy 500 with my dad and ate some really good food my mom made. Went to church this morning and prayed for my ex-husband because I still have a lot of guilt attached to that situation. I cried too, which was a good release.

Annoyed that I have to cut into my workday tomorrow to retrieve my Skechers, although I am thankful that it was just a minor inconvenience and something really bad didn't happen today.

My friend that I went to Chicago with went to the little 500 race today. The track is a lot shorter than the big race and the cars are smaller too.

Breakdown at work today.

Legit balled my eyes out in the assistant principals office over that horrible class that are so unruly. Couldn't stop crying.

Rang a helpline. They gave me a number that deal specifically with counsellors around work related issues. I've booked in a telehealth for Friday this week. That was the earliest I could get in. I could barely get out of bed yesterday. I just crawled into bed in a bawl and couldn't get up. My partner kept telling me to switch off but I just can't on the weekend. Oh the helpline lady text me a meditation or grounding exercise but I haven't had the chance to look at it yet.

She's also sent me a list of low cost counseling services because I told her I haven't seen my counsellor for some time due to finances (old counsellor charges $220 for 50 minutes - just out of my price range now).

I haven't been here in a very long time. Many of you might not recognize me at all. I've had my ups and downs, but both have been "between the lines." I think the new shrink's med ideas have helped me control my mood swings.

I recognize most of you. I hope you all achieve a level of level moods. Take care.

A few months ago there were giant translucent/orange spiders that attacked me, and they must've procreated because last night I saw a ton of those little mofos on my legs. I'm not particularly afraid of spiders, but these are freaky especially knowing how big they can get and how aggressive they seem to be.

In other news, I'm having trouble deciphering if in recent relationship deteriorations if they've screwed me or if I've screwed them.

I called my CM telling her "watch me as I elevate, ha ha ha ha haaaaa"(to the tune of Feel Good Inc by the Gorillaz)

@buddha1too
Welcome back! It's good to hear from you!

Having a lot of anxiety issues these days. I'm not sure what's goin on.

I'm deep deep cleaning my room today. Like mopping my floor and dusting everything and rearannging things. And I got a new side table that looks like a stack of Oreos.

It was my moms idea to deep clean my room. Kinda gross, but I don't always aim the best when I wake up suddenly and projectile vomit into a bucket into the dark at 3AM.

Overall my moods and anxiety are better today then they have been. My appetite is crap. I'm just not hungry today. But I think things are starting to work. The med changes.

My chubby orange cat is confused by his image in the mirror.

I drank an Ensure for dinner which helped with my energy level and I got the rest of my room cleaned and my bed made. The smell is gone and the room looks pretty good.

I cleaned both the bathrooms in my house. They really needed it. It's been a long time since they were properly cleaned.

I'm really happy Cymbalta has pulled me back from the edge. That last round of depression was the worst I've ever had looking back on it, and I had thought I had already experienced depression at it worst prior to that. Wrong! Every time you think bipolar can't get any worse, it always seems to manage to pull another one over one you.

I'm angry. I should not be able to out drink Chica's boyfriend and feel absolutely nothing other than wanting to keep going. I swore I'd moderate today. I also swore once I finished off what I had left I wouldn't get more. Promise broken. Why is it soooo hard????

I noticed I was extra chatty and had racing thoughts this morning. A bit better in that aspect now.

I do feel incredibly fked up. Diagnoses aren't really a summary of a person's fked up-ness, but with my bipolar, BPD, PTSD, bulimia, polysubstance use disorder dx's (I mean, going on a combo of what's been definitely right in the past and currently), I certainly do feel quite fked up. You know a crap ton of bulimics are also alcoholics? Bulimia brains are practically the same as addict brains, not so much with anorexia.

But this increase in manic symptoms? Screewwwwww that. If it gets to the point of hospitalization or jail, I'm gonna be pissed and flip out at my CMHC for not getting me a pdoc to get me on meds sooner.

edit: I'm at that point of drinking I don't want to associate with anyone. I made a kinda concerning but not straight up "holy fk, is she ok?" post on fb and left it up for a couple hours, and then took it down because my messages and phone started blowing up with texts varying between "you ok?" to "let's toke and chillllllll. you could use it" I really shouldn't have social media, but I made a fb account just for band stuff last year but kept it because I'm too curious about what people I've known throughout the years want other people to see about their lives. Plus a past dealer invited me to a group with incredibly inappropriate but hilarious posts

I know. I'm kind of a POS attention *****. But like, hate the good attention???

But yeah, I guess people feel obligated to check in on me or attempt to help me in their own way because they think something bad's going to happen and they don't want to feel guilty.

Moody as all heck today. Just up and down and anxious. I have a real problem with people not getting back to me when I reach out. It's a total control issue and I know it, but I am working on it. Had a mini meltdown too, so there's that.

Okay now though, calmed down a bit after my whole big drama session. Should have got some work done today, but I just didn't feel like it, I don't know what's up with me. I think maybe I knew work was going to be slow because of the holiday and had a total case of the eff its, lol. Got to relax and read a book my friend wrote that I have been meaning to for a while.

Overall things are great. Woke up early and traveled all the way to Greenville to get my Skechers from my parent's house. I can't believe how stupid I was.

Just riding the emotions I guess, sometimes this bipolar moodiness can do a ninja attack when you least expect it, ugh.

Today is the first or two days I can't take Wellbutrin or risperdione in preparation for my autonomic test. I very clearly have some hypomanic warning signs going on tonight so we'll see what happens. I was getting a little goofy/loopy with my roommate's cat this evening and I've got my bipolar buzz that my brain both enjoys and hates because it's a key sign something is off.

Between this and the upcoming test in general, my anxiety was rather high today which I recognize could also fuel some hypomanic stuff. I'm going to have to be really intentionally about giving my brain breaks when I'm not at work tomorrow.

But, a highlight of the day is my favorite band responded themselves to a question I posted in their official fan-group on facebook so that was pretty cool!

Word of advice: never trust a fart.

Now I'm having diarrhea in addition to the vomiting. My mom got me these 2 lightweight plastic buckets with handles from the Dollar Store yesterday. One has a bunch of barf in it from tonight. The other is in the bathroom and has my shorts and my boxers soaking in water.

I am a mess for some reason. I don't know if its serious or what.

And I am so thirsty from dehydration

"It started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this?"
More like she got knocked up and found out kissing leads to pissing.

CM is supposed to call and check in today. Said if she thinks I should, I get to see her and my therapisti again at 4:30pm!!! Yay! My two FAVORITE fking people on this planet (sarcasm). Only happening if she can give me a ride. I don't get the point of this. Just talked to them on Friday and I see T apparently tomorrow. wtf? It's like miss one appointment and a bunch of phone calls, say you're amortal and taking advantage of that, rant about your partner being a porn star, and tell them you're drinking/using a tad heavily than before, they don't want to turn into some sort of liability to them and would pretend it's sad if they think a client's going to die because they don't realize if you could die, you'd be dead like all the other mofos you used to hang out with...

I wrote like 3 paragraphs on my alcoholism, but no one wants to hear it. Let's just say I am already obsessed and that is pretty much all I've been thinking about, and it's only been a week of knowingly drinking a bit too much.

eta: I was trying to do the math and control myself to not be drunk but also not be shaky, emotional/irritable if they do make me go, but I screwed that up and pretty much have to choose between the two at this point.

Waiting for Pdoc to email my case manager back. I’m having lip and tongue movements. I want to know if that’s from going off cogentin and/or from the new med Invega. I don’t even remember if that- benztropine- was in my blister packs or alone in a medicine bottle.

Just looked- the benztropine was in my old blister packs. I got new ones to reflect my med changes.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

While I was out earlier I did something I shouldn’t have and now I’m feeling guilty. I hit the reload button in my Starbucks app! Then I bought a drink and the balance is now 19$. I’d given the card it uses to mom so i can’t use it but in a fit of impulsivity I hit “reload”! I feel so guilty. I will be able to pay it off tomorrow once my deposit comes through. I just feel so stupid and guilty for acting impulsive!

ETA: the deposit came through. Twenty two dollars more than I ended up needing!

This morning around 8 I burped and threw up a bit on my shirt. So I guess you can't always trust a burp either. I finally had enough with all the throwing up and I was in a ton of pain so I called the nurse from my insurance company. She answered immediatly and talked for a long time. She finally suggested I try MCT oil. Which is a kind of coconut oIl she said could help my stomach and will give me energy.

So I googled it and the side effects aren't bad. Its actually used to help people lose weight. So I got some from Walmart and a pack of smoothies since you mix it with smoothies or coffee or salad.

My stomach still hurt a ton. So I took 2 Advil and an extra valium and I took a 40 minute nap. Then I woke up and I felt better and I ate an Atkins bar and I haven't thrown up the smoothie or the bar.

So maybe this oil stuff will tide me over until my procedure next week.

We're having crazy weather. It's dark as night outside at 2 pm. Thunderstorm warning but no tornado warning at least not yet. We just had severe weather with nearby tornadoes less than 2 weeks ago. I don't remember ever having tornado type weather in such a close timeframe before.

I live where there are lots of tornado watches and warnings. I never enjoy them.