Bipolar Check-in #80

Damm it. Now I'm all pissy and shyt this morning because I didn't get laid last night. 😒

Had a phone appointment with the CM yesterday. She wants me to head back down there and see her in person Monday if I can get back down. I got on a waiting list for an apartment complex in a really nice part of the state, not too far from here A to B but a long *** drive. Wait list is only 2-3 years so that's pretty short comparatively.

I don't know if I'll be able to get down there. I've been super tired lately. I think I'm going to try and force my energy back by going on a hike on the easier side whenever the weather is under 90 AND has no thunderstorm threat. Might be waiting a bit...

edit: ayyoo, I did manage to get to the candy store. Look at this shhyt (alien snot's not that bad. Gal that worked there tried hyping it up like only crazy people drink a full bottle):

My energy levels are really good. I went to Dollar General. And I went to my sisters house to feed their cats. My hunger is crap though and all I've had is watermelon which I threw up. I think its legit the lack of Geodon causing the decrease in appetite. I got a bunch of fruit and heart of palm pasta delivered from Walmart. I went to Walgreens to get some Tums nausea gummies, Tums melatonin, Priolsec, and Align with my monthly OTC insurance card. Pain wise I feel ok and anxiety and mood wise I'm fine. Idk. Mainly I'm just not hungry and still throwing up a lot. I'm not really doing a raw vegan diet. But I'm really into eating a lot of fruit lately and my protein intake has been lame. My therapist would be pissed. But whatever.

I mean, I'm guessing the Gedon is the reason I'm not hungry. I don't think it has anything to do with my GI issues.

My mom like pinched herself with a knife and now I'm freaking out what to do in an emergency if I don't drive. Idk if I'm trying to avoid my own anxiety about myself

Kinda reminds me about this old Yahoo question someone asked "did these celeberities make a sex?" And someone answered "you should be more concerned if your mom made a sex with your dad." Idk. Maybe I should just focus on other things.

Yesterday was a really tough day. I was just in a really dark place. The heat exhaustion was too much, when I came home - my car literally said it was 110 degrees. I made a Facebook post saying, "there is no whip strong enough than the one you beat yourself with" which is exactly how I felt. I just beat myself up so badly yesterday - just my weight is bothering me so much, and the distance in my relationship.

Giovanni's letter came at the most inopportune time too, which didn't help at all. Just him writing about how he used to watch me sleep and how much he misses and loves me. It's really hard to read stuff like that. So many of my friends said I shouldn't have opened it, and I believe they are right. No good came out of reading his letter, all it did was upset me and made me beat myself up more. My bipolar was in full swing, I don't know why I ever thought I had beaten it. Today is a better day though thank God.

@LadyShadow

Try not to let your weight bother you so much. Obviously your boyfriend (and husband for that matter) finds you attractive. At least, that's what I keep on telling myself... Husband still finds me attractive. And Daughter is always getting pissed at me and shouting, "YOU'RE NOT FAT!" So maybe you're not even as big as you think.

Besides, it's not your fault. Didn't you mention having a fukked up thyroid?

Geodon is weight neural which means you should not gain weight while on it.Geodon is a good AP. you keep throwing up all of he time so I don't think you are getting the benefit of any of your meds. With geodon you need to eat 350 calories for it to work. did you try the peanut butter? When is your endoscopy? Can you go to the ER? Sorry you keep getting sick.
I hate to throw up it is so hard on your body.

Nobody says you have to make love only during the night. How about an afternoon delight?

Sigh. If only... Daughter is on summer break, so she's home.

I never eat with my AM geodon and I don't eat that often with my PM one and they always work fine. My endoscopy is Thursday. The ER would be a waste of time. I see my endocronolgist on Monday anyways and I have a pdoc appointment that same day.

You're absolutely right @raspberrytorte !! Both my husband and my boyfriend didn't think I'm that big at all, it's me the one that sees all of it. I do have such a screwed-up thyroid. I had surgery to remove it, and it just caused me to balloon up 50 pounds. So you and me are in the same boat girlfriend, battling with these same 50 pounds! The problem is I was ALREADY 200 pounds to now gain ANOTHER 50 pounds??!!! I really HATE this so much. Everything in my life has become harder because of all of this.

But I realize that I must work harder at this weight loss and stop complaining and beating myself up so much. What hurts is my gym partner basically abandoned me because she can't afford the gym anymore, although she finds money and time to waste time and buy tons of things off of TikTok, ugh. I just have zero motivation, but I MUST find a way, I MUST. Beating myself up helps no one, especially me.

I don't know what the eff is wrong with me but I was in a crap ton of pain. Like nothing was helping. I tried Tylenol and Tums. I thought I had sepsis or some shyt. I was sweating. I finally barfed up a big chunk of undigested pasta from lunch 6 hours ago. And I feel so much better. But idk. That sounds like I have some blockage or something. But jeeze am I glad for the relief.

Tropical storm warning here. Houston is north of where Beryl is supposed to make landfall, but they are still predicting a good amount of rain. Hopefully, not too much wind to knock out power. Haven't had any flooding in our house over the years, but I do live in a coastal town, so there's always a chance.

I hope the panic buying hasn't started up again. I ordered groceries to be delivered tomorrow morning, and I ordered them Thursday, and I hope they all get delivered.

Moodwise, I'm still doing fine, level I guess you'd say except I did a bit of sleepwalking last night. I have done it occasionally, often going years & years between incidents, starting when I was a kid, before I was on medication. Always a bit unsettling, not that I've ever done anything romotely dangerous while sleepwalking. Odd stuff, to be sure but not things that have had people worried about me.

I'm trying to decide if I want to cut back on how often I'm going to counseling. I've been going at least weekly for three years and have been going to at least monthly psychiatrist appointments for almost three years too. I remember my counselor telling me counseling isn't meant to be a long term thing and my current pdoc saying, once I would have been established, seeing him once every three months would have been fine. I think all of this work taking care of my mental health has me burned out so I need to find a way to somehow give myself a break from this in a healthy way. If my physical and mental health will let me, I also just want to try and find some semblance of a "normal" life again and I think cutting back on appointments would help me with this. My monthly pdoc appointments are a nonnegotiable in this plan so that leaves the number of counseling appointments I go to. I know going back to school will make my physical health pretty bad, at least for a bit, so having less appointments scheduled is probably better anyway.

The problem is, I don't know if I should keep going every week because of depression symptoms. If I cut back, I'd want to just cut back to every other week.

I canceled the appointment I have next week so do not go again until the 17th. This will give me a nice little break at least.

I hate looking at myself when I get in the shower. I have become so weak,
I get winded doing things last year I could not do them today. I have lost a lot of endurance. I have had 2 bad falls onto my knees.one nurse exrayed my knee and nothing was broken, so that was good though she said that I may have torn my meniscus on my right knee.
so it is getting harder and harder to do things that I normally do.I can relate to so much you have said.
sorry we are in the same boat.

@LadyShadow

Yeah, I was already plump, and then after my hernia repair surgery last July somehow managed to gain another 45lbs I can't seem to lose!!!!! It's so frustrating. I don't know what to do. I walk. I eat healthy. I went to my doctor and she put me on fukking PHENTERMINE but it didn't work. My psychiatrist thought maybe it was my gabbies turning me into a fatty, but lowering my dose on that didn't work out. The only thing that can be done is to take me off seroquel I think, but it's working so well. I just don't know what to do!

😭

I have such a delicate psyche I'd rather not mess with my AP if it's working. I don't want to destabilize myself because of pushing fifty pounds!

I'm sorry to hear about your gym partner. Are you uncomfortable going alone? Back in my gym going days (yes. I used to go to the gym! Lol) I went by myself while Husband was at work and Daughter in school. It was nice. Just bring your ear buds/headphones and put on some tunes and walk on a treadmill for a while. The gym really isn't that b expensive... I mean, I think we weren't paying more than thirty dollars a month for the two of us? Your friend really can't afford that? That's rough.

Ugh. Stabilized back to normal mood levels. Libido still high, but slowly returning to normal. BOOHOO. Oh well. At least I didn't crash. I'm just very tired. Oh yawn. 🥱 No nasty depression. Well, at least not yet I guess. I'm still stabilizing I suppose. Feel rather hollow and empty, if that makes any sense. Feel like I'm waking up from some bizarre dream. My head hurts and my brain feels like mush.

I think I may have flown too close to the sun.

My dad comes at noon to pick me up. I don't want to go. My leg/back is still hurting since I pulled a muscle. I slept through the night last night. I'm so very worried. I don't want to say or do anything I'll regret. H told me that I'll come back with nervous energy which maybe good. I don't know how to find a therapist. I've been on the waiting list for over a year and a half. My pdoc sees me monthly but I can't remember everything that happens in a month. It doesn't help that I'm "put together" by that time too.

My h isn't helpful. Like why would you okay a months worth of fruits and vegetables without meat when they spoil fast? Why let me overspend on fruits and vegetables. $600 on fruits and vegetables is a lot. Now there stuck with little food and I'm leaving. I'm not going to have to live with the consequences .I need like a stop sign before doing stupid stuff. But I didn't tell him about the raw veganism before ordering groceries. I still want to be a raw vegan I just have to wait and not force it on my family.

My anger is getting bad. I have to make sure I don't sh there because I don't know what would happen if I needed stitches. I don't want sh to be mistaken as si. My parents are not equipped to deal with my mental health. I'm the sane, calm, stable daughter. Who's husband convicted her to take medicine because my response went he would do something wrong. At least my dad doesn't hide my meds anymore. I still don't like them seeing me taking medicine. They know I have been diagnosed with schizo affective but don't agree. They already threw away one child with mental illness. They make excuses for the other two. They feel my older sister has bipolar and is stunned at age 12. My younger sister is spiritual and overwhelmed. She admits she has bipolar but refuses treatment.

I'm so scared to lose my parents because I honestly don't know what will happen to my sisters. I just try not to rely on my parents.

Yay! Got most of my groceries delivered including drinking water. They only had to sub 12 grain bread for 22 grain bread and Cherry Coke Zero for Coke Zero. Not sure how 22 grain bread tastes since I've never had it before, but I'll see.

Storm is supposed to hit late tonight, tomorrow morning. So far my area is just under a tropical storm warning, not a hurricane warning, that is south of me. There is a storm surge warning, but that is closer to downtown and the beachfront area, and I live in the west part of town, away from the beach.

I'm back from my trip. The flight back was really nice, on time, direct, and lots of leg room.

It was a difficult vacation from the perspective of how much work I had to do to take care of my mother.

But the nice parts of the trip were really nice.

I've been running on adrenaline for days now and my anxiety is way up. Klonopin didn't seem to make a difference, but maybe things would have been worse without it.

Watching funny Family Feud answers with my mom right now. Things are okay. I think I'm going to spend the rest of the day reading and playing guitar and head back down tomorrow morning to see my CM and discuss plans on potentially going back to my mom's at least for a bit. Would be nice to spend a lot of time up here for the summer. It's only an hour and a half north, but it is a solid 5-10dF colder. It's sad to be here without Bean and Lu though.