Bipolar Check-in #80

No more hallucinations since I started the Risperdal. See my p nurse on Friday to check in. Happy to get off zyprexa. Makes me over heat so fast!!

Thanks so much. Trying to focus on school as my motivation has escaped me

Thank you @Blueberrybook, my mother and I appreciate your prayers.

My mother's taking things one step at a time, trying to stay calm and collected. She knows she's in good hands at the hospital.

I'm focused on helping her be functional since she lives on her own. I don't know how realistic it is to believe that she can continue taking care of herself. She's very independent and is looking forward to getting back to a relatively normal life - I just hope that's being realistic.

I fell asleep with the news on around 2 or 3 but I had my music on and then my mom woke me up and she said "Mountaindewed, Mountaindewed, are you watching the news?" And I had like Harry Styles or some shyt playing and I was super groggy and I saw the news and I thought "wtf is this real." because I was still sleepy. I stayed up for about half an hour and then I went back to sleep until 8 and I've been up since. My aunt called my mom and they talked for a bit and my mom said "did you hear your friend died?" Because we have a funny Richard Simmons family story.

I'm now on my no solid food diet. I just drank a sour blue raspberry Powerade and so far its been ok. But like I mean, I just started it. I'll see how I am in 12 hours. I have 1 more Powerade and 2 Gatorades and I made some blue raspberry Starburst jello and some green watermelon Starburst jello. Then I need to drink that stuff. But yeah so far its ok but I did eat 4 Oreos right before I had to start.

Do they put a cather in you for a colonoscopy?

I feel like I have colon cancer or something. Idk. I have some pain and like I have a bunch of cysts or something.

@Mountaindewed

That really is not much you are eating. Even if it's just liquid, it's not enough calories for your body. Have you told the doctor this? How much food you keep down each day and don't throw up? It sounds like you practically throw up everything you eat? Are you losing a lot of weight by not eating (and not throwin up enough calories)? If so, you need to be careful you take care of yourself and if your GI is not concerned about this perhaps tell your pcp? IDK, I just know my particular GI doctor would have a freak out if I were throwing up that much and he knew how little food I eat that I don't throw up. If he saw me in your state, he would have hosptialized you long ago. I don't see how any of your doctors are NOT hosptalizing you. I mean, throwing up that much is NOT normal even with IBS.

OMG, I am having I guess delusions that I am talking directly to God and believe they are all real. Kinda cool because God tells me interesting things. Not bad stuff or actions to take. So I'm safe. I haven't told H this yet. He would likely call the pdoc and pdoc would hospitalize me for sure.

Mania can be fun but also not. I keep talking loudly and interrupting H since he does most of his work at home. H just wants quiet so he can concentrate. I just have SOOO many ideas going through my head, not many connections between them that others see or not even I do but of course I think I'm brillant and expect everyone to feel that way too. And while I know everyone doesn't care in the least what I do but I still HAVE to say them such as, "I left my glasses in the bedroom. Where is X (I lose things a million times a day and most of them not of any huge consequence). Or I forgot X (I forget X a million times a day and people are beyond caring unless X is something like leaving a stove burner on).

But I have TONS of energy! I feel AWESOME! This part of mania ROCKS!

Its for a test. I can't eat anything solid today. I'm trying but theres only so much jello one person wants to eat. I ate enough yesterday. Hopefully they figure out something tommorow. I have a GI follow up for my endoscopy in 1.5 weeks and I'll tell him stuff then.

The doctor knows everything. I've actually kept down all the liquids today. I got an ocean water from Sonic.

My doctors all know everything. Even my pdoc.

@Mountaindewed
I'm glad to hear you keep your doctor's in the know.

I've spent the last 5 days taking care of my sister's house, garden, dog, rat, fish, and chickens. I've started to type this all out several times but always end up deleting it. Let's just say that it has been by far the most stressful of any of the many times I have done this job and I am SO glad that I only have to deal with the chickens two more times. There has been so much more anxiety this time than usual and everything has felt like it went wrong. I'm so tired.....I will be so glad to get home tomorrow.

I am so sorry! That sounds like a ton of animals to take care of. I would be stressed out too! You're a saint for helping out! I hope you are getting paid to take care of all the animals. Are any of their chickens mean? Both my grandparents had chickens and they wouldn't even let us in to collect the eggs if the rooster was around. Every new rooster seemed to be mean. I don't recall they ever had a nice one. And then certain hens would peck at you trying to collect the eggs. How many chickens do they have, more than a couple?

I just had the first glass of the liquid stuff. To be honest, it was actually kinda good. And I didn't have much of an issue drinking it. Its lemon lime flavored and kinda tastes like some Sonic drink.

Glass 4 is almost done. I'm crampy and nauseated but nothing else. I took Zofran and dramamine

The news is really focused on this Trump thing. They keep repeating the same stuff.

My daughter hid my car keys from me

Was cleaning and found/read some journals anywhere from 20yrs ago to last December (have more recent ones obviously, but those have snippets of stuff I'm going to rewrite or type up as more refined creative writing). Dayyyyummm that was triggering though. You don't feel how bad everything is when you're in it (and surrounded by people in it as well), and when things are better it feels worse, but when I look back, I don't think a lot of the more "normal" kids I knew in school had a hell of a lot of similar experiences. I sure as heck hope they didn't.

I also found some stuff old buddies gave me (pieces of art, can of various local, rare cans of beer, one of those little jars they sell weed in with a guitar pick in it, some TMI stuff lol). Most of those folk are either dead or wish I were dead (I probably felt the same about them at the time too, but I don't right now).

I did find a reading list an inpatient nurse practitioner I've worked with for a total of probably 5 months if you combine stays, and I'm going to follow through with it. We were really close and had a great deal of respect for each other. She taught me living in my dad's drug den wasn't the most common of things, and certainly a recipe for disaster. Maybe write a bit of an analysis of them and mail it to the unit. See if she's still there and can read it.

Just a stroll down mental illness painted memory lane today I guess.

This is a familiar territory for me @MuddyBoots - reading stuff from when I was in jail was REALLY hard to read, especially some of it was really hopeless and about my ex-husband. I lost all my journals when I was younger in a very manic episode years ago, I am not sure how I would feel about reading all that now.

I know mania is a great feeling and being hospitalized is really expensive, but I really hope you get stabilized soon @Blueberrybook - I am glad you are here posting though and letting us know how you're doing, keep posting and expressing yourself as much as you need to!

Please don't stop posting @raspberrytorte - we need you here, and I love what you have to say, and I think that all of us need remember that our bipolar fluctuates all over the place and it's important that we let everybody express themselves how they feel they need to.

My prayers are with you @Scooter9 for your mom, your colonoscopy @Mountaindewed , and your pawpaw @HALLIEBETH87 - it seems like everyone is going through a lot right now, and have a lot of things going on.

As for me, it's quiet on my front. I scored 7 1/2 hours sleep last night, (WOOHOO!) and I have been embracing my independence a lot more and taking time for myself in my relationship rather than being so codependent. Planning to go to GalaxyCon in two weeks and get my PhotoOP with William Shatner, and a music festival in my town the day after. Finances are tight because of all this stuff going on this month, but I think I can swing it. I should work some more to cover the costs, so I don't dip into my savings.

I am glad to see everyone posting though, like @MuddyBoots said I really rely on you guys even when I miss a few days. My bipolar has been manageable and it hasn't been as extreme as it was last week. Definitely that desperate codependency has lifted, thank God.

I think I have the early symptoms of pneumonia. My mother has it and is being treated with antibiotics, and I have been around her a lot.

I'm going to see a doctor tomorrow.

I visited my mother today in the hospital. They are performing all kinds of tests on her liver, kidneys, and more heart-related tests. They are trying to figure out the nature of congestive heart failure so they can more effectively treat it. They are also giving her diuretics to lower the swelling throughout her body.

We walked around the ward today, and she only stopped after about 50 steps, which is a huge improvement (she stopped every 4 steps before).

My anxiety is still up and depression is pulling me down - so I guess I'm ending up somewhere in the middle (I gotta have a sense of humor about this).

There's actually more animals...there's a cat and another aquatic thing. In years past this group has got a lot of laughs out of the things the cat has killed and left for me every night I've been here; this year they put a bell on the little murderess and all she's killed was a chipmunk. Thank God.


There are 11 chickens. 1 chick in a separate pen (4 others were lost earlier in the week before I came) and 10 in a big coop (1 lost earlier in the week before I came----see where the anxiety comes from?). I am not fond of birds in general. We have chickens at home and I'm fine with them; they are more pets than anything and come to be petted. Most of these are fine. There is one I've developed a hatred for because she picks on the young 2. The young 2 are then frightened of everything so to get them into the night pen I have to cover them with a towel which makes them immediately relax until they can see again. They aren't particularly fond of being covered by a towel but hopefully tonight will be like last night when they just did it. I'm hoping they are getting used to it and will not fun from me tonight. I feel so mean chasing scared birds around but they have to go in or there will be more deaths. And there will be no deaths on my watch. (Again, see where the anxiety arises?)

Roosters are mean. The past few years they've had roosters that they had to have culled because they were mean. Sometimes you are told you're getting a hen and wind up with a rooster. This year either they only got hens or it is too soon to tell.


The eggs are laid in a box thing and as long as nobody is in there it's very easy to grab eggs. If someone is occupying the box I just leave and come back later.


there's a novel about chickens......I need to vacuum the kitchen before it is chicken fighting time. Then I will just have to shower, pack everything possible so I can leave as soon as my meds wear off in the morning, and sweep the bathroom floor. Tomorrow I have to load my cooler, finish packing toiletries and stuff and load my car and then I can head home. I can't wait to see my AbbyCat.

@Scooter9 - Sorry so much is going on with your mom on top of the congestive heart failure. Hospitals and the prime breeding ground for all sorts of germs and it is much easier to catch pneumonia at hospitals than most other places. I hope you feel better soon! You have enough on your plate without being sick too.

@LadyShadow - I'm glad you are embracing your independence and feeling less codependent.

@raspberrytorte - How are you doing?

Physically, I feel about to keel over so sorry if I missed anyone I'm very forgetful right now. Going to try taking my night meds now and wait and see if they work, which can be an 1, 1.5 hr. or so depending.I really need rest. But my brain is still wired. I have a Spotify playlist of calming music I will try that tonight and see if it helps. Music did help me fall asleep last night but then my cat jumped on me at like 2 AM and I was awake from there.

Ok so I drank all 13 glasses and all I have are super bad stomach cramps and my stomach is huge.

Get ready!

I am doing as best as I can. I was diagnosed with BPD a month ago. I was told that I still have bipolar but it's NOS. There really isn't an active BPD group on this site. So, I turned to Facebook for a group. I don't come on here too much anymore. Just enough to see what everyone has been up to. I don't post much as you can see by my posting number. I've found this site helpful in the past. But I need one that focuses more on BPD than Bipolar now. So, I wish everyone well. I'll still check in from time to time.

Anxiety is really bad. I had V check on H because I was convinced he passed away. My parents play the news all day which doesn't help. My mom's getting upset I'm not doing more training with Artemis but I can't walk as much as much as she thinks I should. I have issues moving and talking I'm trying to take up as little space as possible. I'm trying not to check out but it's hard. They are going to a club tonight.

Thanks @Blueberrybook! I have been sick for 8 days now, so pneumonia wouldn't surprise me. I'll know more tomorrow. If it is pneumonia, I hope it's over soon. It's painful to cough!

The last night of chasing chickens and locking them up is over. Tonight was the 2nd hardest. The first night I was trying to figure out how to get the young ones when 2 adults escaped and I had to chase them around for half an hour before I was able to even begin to get the young ones. Tonight the bullies were really bad and the little ones were frantic so ran to an area I can't reach. I finally had to scare them out of there by making noise. That made me feel awful because they are already so scared. But it is done now and I have a while to think about if this is a good idea for next year. The money is great but the stress this year has been awful. However the stress was situational and so won't repeat next year barring something so statistically unlikely that it might as well not be considered. I'm not sure they'll even want me again after the stress although I've done this for them for years.

I have to find something to eat and take my meds. That's another thing that's off; I always take my meds at the exact same time and haven't been able to while doing this. But the whole week I've not been hungry at all. I've been living on blueberries and cereal. I think that's mainly because it's been extremely hot (adding also to the stress; my meds make me heat sensitive and I've had to go outside at least some on these 95 degree days which I wouldn't do normally.

But the good thing is I've not had time to worry about my therapist being out for surgery! There's always something good I guess, if you look hard enough. Even when it's a stretch...

Yep. Almost done with a whole roll of toilet paper. Its starting to get clear at least. I was worried it wasn't going to work or that I'd throw up the prep stuff.

My poor aunt did the prep and then threw it up and had to do it all over. I'm glad it is going well for you. If it's getting clear already that's great. I didn't get to 100% clear so the results up the upper colon weren't clear. But because of my MAOI they made me drink the entire bottle of prep at once instead of in 2 periods of time and I guess that's harder to get a clear prep. I'm just glad that with cologuard unless I have a problem I don't have to do another one. It wasn't so awful but definitely not fun.

Glad it is going well for you.