Bipolar Check-in #80

@LadyShadow -

Yeah, aspirin is harsh on the stomach. That's how I ended up with the ulcer that perforated & needed surgery - too many NSAIDs, well, at least that's what the dr. thought since I did take Excedrin quite frequently. But I frequently took Excedrin daily for tension headaches, so though I am not a doctor or anything, hopefully you'll be fine now that your stomach is feeling better.

Yes it is! Agree 💯!

I had a great time at my support group's ZOOM social hour today. A younger man and i agree on a lot of things, food, music, radio, lifestyle. I'm always happy to hear from him. I guess i am a recluse in that i don't leave the neighborhood, but i do socialize thru my computer.

It was another cool Summer day and it makes such a difference to not be suffering the heat. I got a few chores done so my home will continue to run smoothly.

Thoughts of the past and shameful things i did while hypomanic continue to bother me, but i am trying to ease things by just telling myself that life is messy and that we're all just stumbling thru.

I so enjoyed the cat photos! You all have some cuties! Here is one of my dog.

@JaneOnceMore


It sounds like you're working hard to reach out to people. That's really good. I never manage to succeed with that kind of goal.

Your puppy is SO CUTE!!!! We had a little dog like that when I was a toddler/preschooler and I loved him so much. Apparently when I was just crawling or learing to walk he'd let me crawl all over him and never was negative with me.

Hope things continue to improve a little bit at a time (well I hope for rapidly but we all know how that really goes)....

@JaneOnceMore

Happy you had a good zoom meeting! Try not to let things you did while you were hypo bother you. You weren't in your right frame of mind, and we ALL do crazy shyt while manic.

Your dog is adorable. 😊

I’m currently on a trip visiting friends. My mood has been pretty good. My sleep is all thrown off though because my friend lives in a time zone 3 hours ahead of where I live. I was tired all day today, but now it’s night and Im wired. Oh well.

It’s a little hard to check-in and read posts on my phone, but I’m following along the best I can. I love all the fit baby pictures!

@raspberrytorte

It's great that your mania has passed! Do you feel like you are entering stability now?
I am an avid reader when I'm stable. I have a hard time reading books when I'm manic. What type of books do you like to read?
I think it's fantastic that you took away lessons in love and other things while manic.

@JaneOnceMore
Your dog is so cute! Is he mixed breed or pure-bred?

@june8
iIt's always great to hear from you! I hope you have a fun time but sorry about your sleep being off. I completely understand trying to read posts on a phone. It is terribly difficult!

Last night I was SO agitated I stayed up longer than usual. I never thought I'd wish mania to pass but I did and I do. It is just too much input at once. When I was stable, I wished for mania because staility seemed SO boring.

But somehow the Seroquel and Trazodone kicked in and I was able to sleep for three hours. Then I woke up but only for 10, 15 minutes and fell back to sleep for 4 hr. Sleep is a wonderful thing!

I took a walk this morning. I made a mistake and took this straight road off the road that I live that also seems unproportionally long when you walk it. In truth it is not that far according to MapMyFitness and Couchto10K. I guess just because it doesn't really curve at all it just seemed LONG. I walked about 30 min. today, most at a slower pace, so I didn't even go that far.

I am all sweaty now, cooling down and drinking lots of water. As usual, it was very muggy out.

The day seems great so far except I started my walk while still dark. I could swear it was light at 6 AM yesterday, but today it took 10, 15 min. for first light. Maybe we have some chance of rain. That always keeps it darker longer in the AM. I know I should have waited for light but I was so eager to start my walk I HAD to go.

I feel a LOT calmer this morning than last night Thank God! Those racing thoughts were so fast they were horrible!

Yes, I post a lot when manic, very sorry about that. SO many thoughts I just HAVE to share. It's better than causing irritability and interruptions with my family. I hope nobody minds. It's just part of the nature of my mania.

Edited:
Ugh! I'm having problems following TV programs I like again

@Blueberrybook:

My dog is a she and she's a mixed breed Schnoodle, Schnauzer and Poodle mix. You sure have a lot of energy!

@Blueberrybook

I like reading horror and dark magic realism/urban fantasy mostly. What kinds of books do you like to read? Who's your favorite author? I can't really focus or read while hypo/manic either. I keep on getting distracted! Lol. In the past all I could really do was write endlessly in my journal and work on my writing, and damn, when REALLY bad (and before medication) do I get the anger in me! Never hurt anyone though. I also have limitless energy and get delusional and psychotic and, well... you know what it's like...

Yeah. I think I'm leveling into stability.

You have no reason to apologize. We've all been there. Trust me.

Hugs and everything 🤗

@Blueberrybook, bipolar is indeed crazy shyt! A rollercoaster designed for a few. One of those that kinda look like it's going to collapse at any moment and you love it, but you're terrified, and you think you're going to die, but manage to get out the train with just a bit of brain damage.

My favorite rollercoaster growing up was the Cyclone at Six Flags New England (probably wildest wooden I've been on), but it got pretty, uhhh, sketchy/dilapidated over the years and they renovated it as a hybrid. That's mania.

I forget what it was called, but across the park there was an inverted coaster that was definitely psychosis. First and only time I rode it, I was pretty small, and the restraints didn't quite fit, so yeah, going through the 6 some odd inversions with that was fun.

Depression is trying to get out the parking lot at closing lol.

Anyway, glad your racing thoughts have slowed a bit, and absolutely no reason to apologize. We get it

@JaneOnceMore, your dog is so cute! I love that you're talking to people and enjoying it, too. We all do things we regret, but the shame is just telling us it's something we want to do our best not to repeat those actions again. Use it as motivation to make a plan to keep yourself from getting in a position you're likely to do those things again. Don't beat yourself up, and don't feel like a failure if you repeat it despite efforts. Like we're saying, bipolar is some crazy shyt!

@June08 I hope you enjoy your trip! Hopefully you'll adjust to the time change quickly

---

I'm just chillin'. It was nice and cool again this morning. I even put on a flannel when I woke up! It used to always be days like this: highs in the 80s and lows in the 50s/low 60s. Above 90 would be an event, not half the month. And some folks are saying "well, it's summer, of course it's going to be hot," YEAH! BUT NOT SO HOT I'M STILL DEHYDRATED AND NAUSEOUS EVERY DAY DESPITE DRINKING 4+ LITERS OF WATER AND A GATORADE! I have a "if it's below 90, no thunderstorms in the forecast, and it's not a crowded Saturday/Sunday/holiday" policy. Went hiking twice in the past month + a couple weeks. I have some opportunities this coming week though, so I'm obsessively looking at trail maps and through reports and groups on FB to see which trails/roads got washed out over the past few storms (two tornados, a microburst, some towns totally inaccessible to the rest of the world, and I don't even want to know what some of the water crossings looked like).

@raspberrytorte

Mostly I like mysteries. At least lately I've been on a mystery kick. I also like plain adult fiction, I used to read a lot of those Oprah book picks. Most I enjoyed, but not all. I'm into the Michael Connelly Harry Bosch mysteries lately. I read most of the early books once upon a time, but I'm re-reading them now, and I find I've forgotten a lot of the stories and how the mysteries end, so it's like reading new books to me. The later Bosch mysteries I didn't read, mostly because that's when I had my daughter, and she was a high maintenance baby (colic and all that, teethed WAY early too, didn't sleep thru nights, finally H & I had her co-sleeping, she nursed so often, slow to take to eating solid foods), high maintenance toddler. I think daughter is close to being on the autistic scale but not quite. H never wanted her tested and labelled. And she does well although there are some things like she's an extremely picky eater, won't eat anything with spaghetti sauce as an ingredient, doesn't like mixed foods so I have to serve each item in a recipe separately and some recipes you can do this easily and others not (but she eats raw fruits & veggies well, just no seasoning on cooked veggies other than salt & pepper. cheeses, meats that only have salt & pepper to season, etc.), hates loud sounds (still goes into her room and closes the door for things like the vacuum cleaner, hair dryer, it was a nightmare to get her to use public restrooms with hand blow dryers- she still wipes her wet hands on her clothes). But even with all this she functions quite well. It was just a challenge to learn her boundaries growing up and doing my best to accommodate her. I know she is not doing this on purpose, it's just the way she is.

@JaneOnceMore
You are right. I have WAY more energy than usual. Today even a lot for being manic, I think b/c I got more sleep last night.

I made a spinach, cheese & egg quiche in a mug in the microwave. I usually don't bother to cook breakfast, just have cereal, Poptarts & fruit, something super easy like that. I'm not the greatest cook and hate cooking, so it's a minor miracle I didn't destroy the microwave.

I also straightened up the area where we have multiple charging cords and devices charging. It was a tangle of cables. Underneath everything, I found old kindles. I don't even use kindles since I got an iPad. I have no clue how old they are. Found a Fitbit too, but I'm not going to charge it and wear it; I've determine it perpetuates ED thinking.

Again, sorry for the long post. Mania, you know...

I had a Garmin Instinct and took it off because it could''ve made me a target while wandering the mean streets of NH at night worked out well for the ED though. Every now and then I think about charging it and wearing it, especially on a hiking day, but nahhh, I don't need to, and shouldn't, know exactly how many miles/steps/elevation gain/calories were in a day.

I'm sleeping fine but I'm just always on the go and wanting to do stuff now. My moods are ok today. Its just this energy I have all of a sudden. I've been going out grocery shopping and stuff that my agoraphobia wouldn't let me do before. Idk if its good or not. Like does getting your vitamin D levels under control make you feel that much better.

I slept from about 7PM until 5:30.

My mom and I went out shopping this morning. I finally got my closet organized. It was a pretty big mess for awhile. I'm just watching TV now.

Yeah, @Mountaindewed, low vitamin D levels make you lethargic. That's why there's no crime in NH between October and April when no one's getting the natural stuff and hardly anyone's getting the supplements. I'd say it's good. 10.5 hours of sleep, ok moods, and being able to just hang out and watch TV say you're not hypomanic so right now there's no reason to worry. Sometimes people feel good and get in more productive than usual moods. If you're worried about becoming manic, just look at your past episodes and try and see what the signs were as good turned to being a live wire.

I can't stay on one thing at once: eat some, watch tv, 5 minutes, stop the tv and text, get up and go to MSF on my forum, get up to take care of litter but I forgot I did it before lunch, go back to eating and tv, stop the tv again and text my sister, finish my lunch, tv 5 min., go to a diff. show before finish the first (which I really mean to finish today) watch that 5 min., stop it, do my coloring app on my iPad for half a picture or so, back to the first program for another 5 min., back to MSF, pay attention to my cats, tv, no MSF, no iPad game...!

It is driving me CRAZY!

Why can't I commit to finishing something completely for once! I was probably diagnosed with ADHD while manic I'm thinking! But then again, pdoc loves to tack diagnoses onto me (and probably all his other patients). Probably gets more from the drug reps if he has more patients diagnosed with a certain disorder. Now, he DID try to put me on Adderall once upon a time ago, but that was a disaster! You guessed it...mania and psychosis. Guy is a highly reputable pdoc, but based upon the pdoc's I've had in the past, I have noticed there's an extremely low bar for pdoc's. At least in the suburbs of Houston (the working class ones, of course, I can't speak to the rich ones, but I'd doubt it there.) And my pdoc isn't THAT bad, he's communicative to urgent phone messages in & outside of office hours, communicates by phone & text w/ H when I'm having trouble. Drug pusher, but I've had much worse, so can't complain.

Please, please, please, can't I just finish my TV episode?! It's only 45 min. long. I've only got halfway thru it.

I am a bit worried because I've been having racing thoughts and kinda jumping from one thing to another. I also spent $71 on a Levis jacket a few days ago and $59 on a pair of shoes yesterday. And sometimes I do get pretty irritated. I did go down 20mg on my Geodon a couple weeks ago. I'm not sure its really working out being without the 20mg. I should probably go back up. My pdoc doesn't know I went down anyways.

I was also pretty paranoid yesterday about some guy walking around outside my house. But to be honest, he did look grubby and shady.

I took the 20mg Geodon and now my moods have crashed. Idk why or what that means. But I seem to have stopped with the urge to buy a bunch of jello and pudding mixes.

I am so sick of this...

I think my bipolar has gotten worse the older I get. Anyone else feel this way? I read an article about this a long time ago, but I can't remember what it's called. Something that end in -ing. Gosh, darnit! It's like it's right there but I can't remember. I find my memory is the pits while manic; though to be fair, it's the pits while depressed too, only good when I'm stable.

I suppose cluminess while manic is due to moving and trying to do things so fast so you can get to the next thing and the next and the next on your mind? I have so many bruises on my legs especially from running into walls more than usual. It doesn't help I'm clumsy to start with. And talk about dropping stuff! Half the time I drop things into the trash now, I miss the trash can, broke a light fixture by dropping it while trying to replace the bulb.

Agitated again, but I'll try a rest period, maybe listen to music and lie down, concentrate ONLY on my tv program...idk

Oh, but as a non-sequitar, I've found being on lamitical has finally helped the cramping in my feet associated with peripheral neuropathy, which is why I'm walking again. pdoc only restarted lamotrigine 2 weeks ago now. Also, H has crap on a folding table to sort through in the area where i do pilates...i need a day or 2 of pilates again for a rest from the heat outdoors. I have a super easy beginners youtube video i like to use, the instructor makes the time fly by quickly. I don't really sweat much with it or burn many calories, but it is calming and relaxing and i NEED calming right now! Obviously (this is how my mind jumps ALL the time).

Another sleepy tired day. Just got done picking up the apartment because our babysitter is coming over tonight to watch Daughter since Husband and I are going to a show downtown and having a nice, romantic date night. I am excited! Still have to get my fat booty in the shower, but at least lunch has been eaten and all I really have left to do is shower and wipe down the counters and sweep the bathroom and kitchen. I have until 6PM. Oh yawn 🥱. I couldn't fall asleep last night so I took 100mg of Seroquel. It knocked me out for three hours. Yippie!

But I went back to bed at 5AM and woke up at 7AM, then took 50mg of Seroquel (I'm supposed to take one in the morning anyway... I've just been skipping it.) and that knocked me out from 10AM to 11:30AM. So really I got about six and a half hours of sleep, which is great!! I am HAPPY 😊. Therapist should be pleased.

Read and caught up on submissions for the ezine. The ones I got were SO GOOD!!!! I was so excited! I have one more to read and then I'll be caught up on that and hopefully, unless something happens, have it up by August 1st. Good thing I didn't start listening to my entire audiobook because my narrator sent me a message last night apologizing and saying she accidentally sent me the wrong files and had to resend everything. Whew. I would have hated to have to listen to that whole thing AGAIN. UGH!!!

Haven't done much novel planning sadly. 😔 Really have to focus on the ezine right now since it's almost the end of the month.

Still listening to Sleep Token.

Still enjoying lots of love. ❤️

Everything is still divine!

@raspberrytorte

I am so happy to hear you are getting good sleep. That is MAJOR! And good taking your Seroquel in the AM. Oh, geez, I couldn't imagine taking that stuff in the AM while not manic. I would pass out for hours!

You just sound so stable AND happy with life now. Content, I guess you'd say. Reading your post is heart warming.

I hope you have an awesome date night and lots of romance with your H!

Knowing this, I guess it's something to keep an eye out for. Especially with the irritability. I get AGGRESSIVE when I'm manic. "Who can scare the other person away first" contests that when hypo/manic I always win, "you're breathing too loud so I'm going to tell you to shut the fcck up and avoid you for 3 days," once my pdoc knew I was at the manic stage and asked how we can keep me safe and I stormed out screaming "fcck safety, I'm going to go [incredibly dangerous possibly fatal thing]!" (side note: when you do that, they tell the police to go to the bridge and keep you from getting on it).

Screw (hypo)manic irritability. So much guilt, especially when it was there with my grandma in her later years and I scared her with my anger. She was the one solace throughout my entire childhood, the person who could always make me feel safe, and I made her feel unsafe.

Going back up is a good idea. I feel like one dose of extra 20mg wouldn't quickly switch a person from elevated to depressed (well, most people from my probably over a years worth of seeing people treated in IP anyways), but I tend to feel "pure" depression is easier and safer to handle than mania. No ruining your life and then coming out of it with guilt, shame, and trauma in addition to the probable depression following