Bipolar Check-in #80

Making jalapeño poppers in the air fryer. I hope they don’t burn my mouth. Letting them cool off for a bit.

I guess I blacked out and talked to my CM in the meantime because at 3:30ish I got up from the couch and saw a note saying "show up at 4:30!" which wasn't awful but they seriously want me to slow down a bit. Not jump into bed with everyone. Not do the polysubstance thing (or any substance abuse thing for that matter). Take a break from triggering people and places. Just chill and rest.

Did you show up at 4:30 for your appointment?

My case manager said the prescribers had meetings all day and that’s why I never got a response. She says I should have an answer tomorrow morning.

I'm kinda worried I'm in kidney failure. I have a message into my kidney doctor asking if I should go for labs. I've been taking a ton of Advil, Aleve, and Pepto Bismol daily, for weeks. Now I'm wondering if my symptoms like the severe vomiting are from effed up kidneys. I've had urinary retention at night for awhile that I've just brushed off, and my other stuff can be related. Plus my skin is effing itchy.

I wonder if all the melatonin I was taking for like 4 years, caused the stomach pain so I tried taking care of it with OTC stuff I'm told not to use. Which just caused a bigger issue.

Idk. I'll see what he says.

Yeah. They basically just told me to chill out.

Omg. Tmi but I've been SO hypersexual lately, to the point where this afternoon my husband asked me how much sleep I've been getting each night and I honestly don't know! I want it ALL THE TIME (again. Sorry for the tmi). I don't know what's gotten into me! Jesus Christ. For fukks sake. I asked my husband today how he felt about us getting a third, just for fun (and because, again, I'm REALLY sorry for the tmi, but I miss being with a woman) and he said no because of our daughter and some other reasons. Boohoo! He's no fun!

Sameeeeee lol. Except I'm not married, and my partner can go fk themself (or whoever else they're fking). (No, Muddy! CM said to cool it and rest easy yesterday!)

Masturbation though. Keeps ya outta trouble and doesn't bother anyone.

You get in touch with pdoc for obvious manic symptoms?

I see my therapist tomorrow. It’s been a few weeks since the med increases and I’m doing well I’ve slowed down a lot. Feeling less impulsive.

I don’t have much planned the rest of the week other than my volunteer shift on Sunday and Monday. Tuesday June 4th is my 30th birthday. I’m probably gonna go to a cafe and enjoy a dessert and a cappuccino or something. And then me and my boyfriend are making a dessert and dinner over FaceTime video chat.

I might be hanging out with a friend on Saturday. Not sure if they’ll remember but we’ll see.

I do need to go grocery shopping this weekend. I forgot about that. Oh and I have a violin lesson on Monday.

I’m just staying inside today. I don’t feel like doing anything. Same thing tomorrow other than my therapy appointment which is over video chat. Friday I’ll start doing stuff again. Sometimes I just need a day or two of doing nothing and not putting pressure on myself to be productive 24/7.

Yesterday was more "see CM with T as backup" probably scared her when I answered the phone a few hours before seeing them while in a blackout and said who tf knows what. Today is "official" appointment with T. Let's see if I can stay awake and alert from now until I get back, and show up a tad more sober than yestaaaaday.

@raspberrytorte

Have you contacted your T or pdoc about having manic symptoms? How much sleep are you getting?

My heart feels like it's not doing heart things properly right now. I checked my pulse yesterday and it was about 150bpm just kinda sitting there being a POS. I'm 27 though so max heart rate when exercising is supposed to be I think 193 and I was exercising processing substances so I guess that's good.

Told my T about doubting anybody cares about anybody without an alternative motive, and that I think the whole mental health field is a hoax to keep people from being independent. I can feel awful all by myself. Don't need to be labeled "bipolar, BPD, AUD, BN" for that. Obviously some people get "helped" by therapy, but that's all placebo effect. "I'm in therapy so I can try now." Doesn't work with me. For me it's more like "I'm in therapy so I can delude myself into thinking someone will help me build a life instead of destroying a life." Because that's more the truth. Not saying the placebo effect is bad for people that do mind struggles because it indirectly does help. Just doesn't work with people that see through that BS and question motives and validity of a process. Maybe I'm just too smart to be happy. Idk.

No. I haven't contacted my psychiatrist about possible manic symptoms. I don't think I'm manic. I don't have euphoria or racing thoughts or anything like that. At least, I don't think so. I've been getting about two to three hours of sleep per night plus a two hour "rest" period in the morning at 9AM.

I took a Unisom last night even though I asked my mom to throw them out. And man it messed me up all day. I could not keep my eyes open and I was drifting in and out of sleep and I had really bad anxiety. I took all my meds for the day at like 11AM. My stomach was hurting real bad so I took a couple Aleve too. Which helped. Then around 1 I drank a 20oz Mountain Dew which woke me up and I puked a ton and my stomach and anxiety felt much better.

Now I'm doing laundry and I'm just lying in bed and the Unisom is offically thrown out. I did sleep last night at least. I've been having trouble sleeping because of the Prestiq. Antidepressant insomnia.

I did also get Sonic for dinner and I think legit eating something helped too.

I did call the second opinion hospital asking to get in sooner. The lady on the phone was super nice. She said they didn't have any openings and the gastric emptying was probably a good place to start. She said I probably would need to end up going to one of those fancy hospitals though.

Luckily they take my insurance. I have a Medicare supplement plan. 10 years ago hospitals like that didn't take medicare or medicaid. My mom says its because of Obamacare.

I'm hoping though I won't have to travel and this hospital I'm seeing on the 11th can figure something out.

Case manager said I can go back on cogentin but I talked with a nurse at the urologist’s office who said all the meds I take for psych stuff have a urinary retention as a side effect including invega that I’m currently taking! So I decided not to chance going back on cogentin because of this. So far on the invega and peeing just fine. Pdoc told my case manager that it was up to me whether or not I went back on cogentin. I’ve decided not to and just deal with the akathisia- random lip and tongue movements. I do not want to spend another five hours in the emergency room waiting!

@Moose72
It sucks that you have to deal with the akathasia. I have it a little, tongue and lips as well from the Seroquel, but I'm already on so much crap, and in my case it's not horrible or very noticeable to anyone but me and the pdoc. Every time I have stopped Seroquel, it's gone away, but then again, nothing has worked as well for me for both mania and sleep, so I'd rather just stay on the Seroquel and not worry about it.

I just fell in the bathroom. The cuff of my pajama bottoms caught on the drawer handle and down I went. Didn't hit my head thankfully but my shoulder hit the side of the tub.

Exactly my thoughts too.

I went to my Scrabble club in-person tonight. It was a lot of activity, taking my dog out before and after, taking the bus there and back, walking there and back from the bus stop, playing the games, adding up the score, chatting with the other players, etc. I'm surprised and pleased that i held up so well, after all these months of being a recluse. I'm really happy to know that i can still get out there and participate, if i want to.

Did y'all know people pleasing is a manipulation tactic? I didn't, but it makes sense. Everybody fking knows I'm an evil, unstable, manipulative bytch who hurt every single person I come across intentionally. So I'm going to do better, and I'm first going to stop being a people-pleaser and forcing others to think I'm not a POS. Just going to call everybody a d**khead or c**t and hope someone gets straight up angry and murders me instead of gets their feelings hurt from me saying I like their cooking and next time they cook I say I don't want to sleep with them right after.

I'm going to get some cats, ***** those p*ssies out for money, and make them pay rent so I have a place to live (felines, joke).

Spaghetti and guilt for breakfast goes well with absinth, probably won't even taste the guilt. Maybe not the spaghetti either. Do not worry. I told people that trust me with their vehicle to just assume I'm going to be above .08BAC until fall and not to give me their keys.

Pretty sure alcoholism makes me do more fked up shyt to people than whatever the fk the general population is scared people with BPD will do to them. Alcoholics make people angry when they do something because of their alcoholism. When people with BPD aren't perfect 100% of the time and slip and do their BPDing, it makes them sad. Anger is easier to deal with for most. And then when the manic episode kicks in with this other crap, people are fking scared for everybody's safety. Handcuff her to the bed. She's into that. Just don't have a safe word and "lose" the key