Bipolar Check-in #80

I'm doing pretty good. I've been reading a lot lately and making 2-3 trips to the library each week as a result. It is so nice being able to read again. Books and reading were part of my identity for so long, but then I went years without being able to concentrate and read a single book. I think I'm trying to catch up on all the reading I missed! It's been especially nice because I've been reading mysteries, and we've had a lot of rain and stormy weather to go right along with the mood of the book I'm reading.

My daughter finished her schooling yesterday. She goes to online school and procrastinated quite a bit on her end-of-course projects, but she got it all done in time, which is a relief. She's very smart and finished the school year with 100s and 99s in all her courses for 10th grade. I can't believe I have a high school junior now. Her goal this summer is to get her driver's license which I'm a bit anxious about. Riding with a teen just learning to drive sets my panic and anxiety into super high gear. It makes me wish I were still on clonazepam, but my pdoc had me taper it off over 2 years ago. I wish my husband could take her practice driving more often since he's a much better driver than I am and a lot less anxious than I am with my daughter between the wheel, but he's teaching a summer course at the university and is busy with that now.

@Bluberrybook i remember i could not drive with my mother when i was learning. But we did not have a good relationship before that anyway, at all. My dad had to go with me.

I went thru a no reading phase too. I remember my disability judge asking me if i liked to read, and i was like, i used to, then i almost started crying. So welcome back! I love mysteries too.

I ordered some dramamine last night. And it came at 8AM this morning. I took 2 and then I fell asleep for 2 hours. I woke up and I feel like a new man. The nausea is gone. The pain is gone. The vomiting is gone.

I know I was regularly taking dramine up until April. Which is when this severe stuff started. I also got some Lorna Doone shortbread cookies and some chicken noodle soup mixes. But I am so glad for the break.

I also am going to try really hard to quit soda.

I'm still feeling ok but I took a second nap. Things have been remained calm today though.

My mom asked me what the orange guy was saying during his press conference and I said he was just talking outta his butthole.

Had my appointment with my therapist this morning. The past couple of nights I've been sleeping from approximately 11pm to 5am, so that's good. I'm still horny as hell though, and I started spotting yesterday and still am today, so my therapist thinks my hormones may be all fukked up right now, causing the strange in-between period spotting and sauciness. She recommended I make an appointment to see my primary. She pretty much said I'm getting old so my hormones could be changing. Fukk I hate getting old. I DON'T want to get a mammogram. I DON'T want to be a little old lady. Fukk this sucks.

Physically I've been feeling much more energetic though. No more lethargy. I think it's because I started paying closer attention to what I'm eating. I started adding chia seeds to my oatmeal in the morning to get more protein and overall started making sure I'm getting more protein (not from meat or dairy. I've gone fully vegan again). I've been consuming between 1000 to 1400 calories per day. And taking walks. And exercising at home.

So far I haven't noticed any weight loss. If anything I just think I'm getting even FATTER, but that could be my imagination.

Our daughter is 5'5". She's about an inch taller than me, so I must be 5'4". That's a relief! I'm not QUITE as obese then.

I don't know. I'm just pissed about being 41. And I'll be turning 42 in August. FUKK. Great. I'll be even fukking older. I know everyone gets old... I'm just not ready for it!

But anyway, so my therapist doesn't think I'm hypo or anything, just fukked up hormonally. Don't know what can really be done about that anyway, but whatever I guess. I'm due for a pap anyway in August. I'll just see if my insurance will pay for me to get it sooner.

Overall I've just been really irritable, pissed, and horny.

Hopefully the past couple of nights of six hours of sleep weren't just flukes and I keep on sleeping from 11pm to 5am.

Speaking of periods mine has gone missing. Loxapine first and now invega doing that! They were pretty regular before but I am in my 50’s so….

@raspberrytorte
Are you on the pill? If not, it is possible to spot for a few days right around ovulation or it can be due to low progesterone after ovulation. You said you changed your diet as well. I'm wondering if that might not be the cause of your spotting?

Getting older just sucks. I'm 46, and 50 is not far away.

No. I'm not on the pill. I can't take hormonal birth control. In the past it has always turned me into a raging bytch. I changed my diet, but not by much. Just added more protein and fruits and started meticulously counting calories. Thankfully my spotting seems to have stopped (fingers crossed).

I want to go back on Haldol! Boohoo it stopped working. I didn't have a period for seven years while I was on that. I also wasn't fat!

I went to the gym today, despite little sleep and a swollen left foot.

I did some new exercises today - one with a big and heavy rope where you make waves in the rope by moving your arms up and down. It looks way easier than it really is! It's good that I went.

My pdoc has an appointment available for me on Tuesday. I'm having Vraylar withdrawal effects like brain zaps, and increased anxiety. It'll take weeks to get the Vraylar out of my system so I hope she can prescribe something to blunt the effects, maybe another antipsychotic.

I think I might have found a T that works on a sliding scale which is helpful. I see her next week for an initial consultation.

Yep. They were flukes. Two hours of sleep. Wide awake. Paranoid. Creeped the fukk out for no reason. Ugh.

Moral of the story excessive amounts of coffee , edibles, and psych meds are a bad mix. I’m staying away from them for now. Like I might try them again if I ever get to the point where I’m not on psych meds. Im 100% sure that combined with all the coffee caused my nightmarish experience last night.

What are edibles? Vitamins or something else? I'm not sure I know what you mean. I'm sorry you had such a bad reaction to them.

THC gummies , they’re used to get high

Just ate a hot dog and chips and a Diet Coke. Today is the big neighborhood garage sale in my mom’s neighborhood. I got a meal. Now I’m overly full. I usually get a meal from this same guy every year. I just wasn’t very hungry when I ate it. Weight gain here I come. *sigh*. It’s the only thing I bought at the garage sale. Saw a cat tree but didn’t know how I’d get it home so I didn’t get it. Plus they’ve blocked off the regular way that I drive home so I’ll have to try the back way.

Yesterday I fell asleep at 4:30 in the afternoon. I woke up at 9 and it was dark out. Then I didn't get back to sleep until 4. I woke up at 8. I didn't drink the best while I was up so I was throwing up a lot.

Today I'm very tired from being up most of the night and I also took more dramamine which makes me drowsy. But its helping my nausea so I'm not throwing up and my moods and anxiety are decent. So its mainly just bad fatigue today.

I spent about 1.5-2 hours sleeping. I feel better.

No fking clue what happened but im pretty sure, positive I mean, my knuckle is broken. disfigured, cannot move it, bruised, swollen...good excuse for percs!

also, when they say not to drink on an empty stomach, do 3 habanero peppers 40 mimnutes ago count? i want to give myself an ulcer if you can't tell. just want to see if i can.

i will say it's almost 3pm and i have not had a drink. i said id stop when i finished the bottle and i finished the bottle

feel like shyyyyyyyt but am coping well by making a master list of dark jokes

ETA: chica said we were going to get groceries. That was a lie and apparently she is full on crack addict now. Polysubstance user + crackhead with an abusive bf living together. What could go wrong?

I still feel horrible. Hoping to get some sleep tonight

Just had my friend with benefits over. Eh- not that great. He criticized the state of my apartment which I’m sure his place is worse. I took that long nap earlier but I want to go back to sleep even so. It’s only 5:43 pm so I have hours before I can go to bed. I feel antsy even after fwb was here. At least I got a shower so I feel refreshed. Maybe I will call my Chicago friend. Chicago friend is not answering. Ugh.

I had a lazy day. Spent most of the day reading. Now I've finished all my library books, and the library is closed until Monday. Boo. I should have gone this morning, but it was raining, and I didn't feel like driving in the rain.

I hate to drive. Does anyone else here get driving anxiety? I'm not a very good driver; bipolar messes a lot with my concentration while driving. If I can do one thing at a time I'm fine, but multi-tasking is so hard for me especially when you've got to concentrate on the road in front of you, idiotic drivers, the speedometer, the rearview mirror, and you are constantly having to focus on each one in turn. I can't multi-task much at all, and driving is different from multi-tasking on things in the house where the outcome is not potentially costly, fatal, etc. It doesn't help that I've been in several fender benders of my out fault and once totaled a car (though thankfully no-one was hurt). I get very panicky a lot and often have full-blown panic attacks driving in areas where I can't easily quickly pull over to calm down. I really wish driving did not affect me this way.

I went to sleep last night around 1 and got up at 6. Took a nap when I got home around 2 pm. it was delicious!

So I'm not depressed but I decided I'm never going to the aliter program or community college due to paranoia/agoraphobia. So I wait till I can pay for an online art school. We are looking for a place with a balcony. I've come to the realization that my anxiety is never going to get better. I've gotten better about staying by myself inside I'm not couch locked when alone anymore. I will always think I'll be killed if by myself. My pdoc makes me go to the office 1x a month that's the only time I'm in public. I'm not optimistic that my Service Dog will help me. I'm trying to get a place that I can be okay staying alone, take my dogs out, and am not afraid to walk to the store. My trust in people is non-existent. I'm not independent, I won't even let matinance in if alone. This is in the for front because Victoria is getting a hotel in a week with a girl she met online. My mind is flying about how this person is going to hurt her. Nowhere is safe for me. I need to get okay with taking the dogs out because my husband will eventually have to stay at the hospital or help someone and Victoria is moving.

Victoria is dropping out of college. She's going to concentrate on art and writing building a career in one of those fields. H isn't happy but she's only 22. If she doesn't do it now then when.