Bipolar Check-in #80

I have my meeting with social security tomorrow morning then after that I have work from 1pm to 10pm. Im there till closing so I’ll probably be in the store like 30 minutes after 10pm the. But time I get the bus I won’t get home till around midnight. It’s gonna be a long day. Then I have to be up by 6am Friday to get ready for work again. Whoever designed retail schedules to be the way they are is out of their mind.

I have Saturday and Sunday off which is nice.

Then next week I work Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. My first paycheck will be on July 12th. Which will include two full weeks work plus orientation so it should be around $700 which isn’t bad.

I have a little notebook they gave me so I can take notes when I’m on the sales floor tomorrow training with someone. Hopefully it’s not too overwhelming. I’m gonna do my best. I think I get an hour lunch break because I’m gonna be there for 9 hours tomorrow.

Also I love their break room. It’s not tiny like the break rooms at my other jobs. It’s actually pretty large. The other ones were uncomfortably tiny where you’d be all up in other people’s space unintentionally cause they were so damn small and cramped. Where it felt very awkward.

Within a few months I should be back ahead financially, I’m excited to learn my job. It’s gonna be a lot to learn but I know I can do it.

I slept well last night and I took all my meds and they stayed down. I woke up at 6 feeling pretty good for once. I got a smores iced oatmilk latte from Dunkin Donuts and that was fine on my stomach. I swear something is just up with that one coffee shop.

I don't have any plans today. The kids are coming over tonight. I need to get more fruit. Mainly I'm just glad for a break in things.

I just saw some gal that was somewhere along my mental health treatment journey on the news! I'm pretty sure she was the one that was in my transitional housing intake but told me she wouldn't do my application because "we want our clients to be successful." She was talking about high school girls and depression/suicidality. Yeah. Girls would be suicidal if they knew they'd be entering a world where if they tried getting out of a shyt situation, no one's going to help because it might look bad on their rap sheet.

Today is my birthday! I stayed the whole day at home though even though I got all dressed up anyway. I had so many plans in Raleigh today, but they honestly forecasted 107 degrees as the high today, and I don't know what it was, but I didn't want to push my car in all of that heat. I take care of my things, especially my car, and I want them to last a long time. So, boohoo, my full day of plans were canceled.

But it's been a wonderful birthday. I relaxed, and spent the day with my boyfriend, which I wanted to do anyway despite all my plans. I feel good I dressed up and took pictures and ordered Outback Steakhouse for dinner as my birthday treat. The great news is my birthday doesn't just have to be just for today. The people had plans with just said we can celebrate all month!! LOL. I have plans for Friday and Saturday so that should be good.

Happy Birthday @LadyShadow !

Happy Birthday @LadyShadow, it sounds like it was really nice for you!

My anxiety was more manageable today. I still had to take a Klonopin but I took it later in the morning and didn't need to take the second dose later in the day.

I managed my anxiety by planning out my day, step by step. I didn't get all the details right but I got the general idea right, which helped a lot.

I'm almost done packing, I have to pick up meds tomorrow. I'll have 4 weeks of meds for a 1 week trip - talk about being prepared!

I had a great dream - I saw my sister smiling and happy and my mother healthy and happy. It lasted just a moment but I'm grateful I experienced it.

@LadyShadow - Happy birthday!

Happy birthday @LadyShadow!

@LadyShadow happy birthday 🎂

I'm so lost. The cars battery died or it's the starter. I don't want to go to my parents house and won't have enough meds anyway. So I'm going without meds which is a wonderful idea. I was hoping Victoria would feel a little better dropping out but she's worse it seems. There's only so much I can do. Every night I go to sleep hoping she'll still be here in the morning. I always tell her good night I love you because I never want her to question my love for her. People keep wanting to know when she'll get a job. I'm just happy when she shows up for dinner. I'm going to give her $100/month to pay her bills and have some spending money but h is like "where's my $100. I want $100" which is stupid and childish. So IDK. It's not fair she has to deal with all this. I just wish I could take it away from her. I just want her healthy and happy. I really need a therapist.

Happy Birthday @LadyShadow!!

The last two days have been alright. I've been extremely fatigued so that has been rough. And, still down in the dumps but I am still getting some things done. The fatigue being back so intensely has me nervous since I have a few very full, back to back days coming up. My vertigo has also been acting up a little bit again. My allergies have been a little worse the last few days, probably because of some storms that came through, so this is probably causing the increased symptoms. I didn't know this, but a couple different nurse practitioners told me at the beginning of the year that cold/allergy type symptoms can make my vestibular system issues worse because of how congestion impacts everything.

happy happy birthday to you and many more trips around the sun.
bizi

Thanks for all the wonderful birthday wishes guys!! It means so much to me that you all wished me a happy birthday. It's the little things in life that make you happy sometimes.

I had a rough night. My boyfriend had something to do with his daughter and it prompted me to feel that I was second place immediately. It sparked in me so many "not good enough" feelings that I almost ruined my whole birthday night. But when I called my friend, he said that I really needed to look past that and enjoy my independence more instead of depending so much on this relationship. I didn't want to do that, but I see myself doing it.

The hardest news was that Giovanni met someone. I feel up and down about my ex moving on, but I knew it would happen eventually. Like in some crazy reality I wanted him to be single forever and missing me, lol, how selfish is that? I think it's so good he's moving on though because now I have the permission that I needed to move on and be happy. Not that I needed permission, but I am no longer holding on to guilt.

Bipolar wise I am all over the place. I haven't been sleeping and I am at work today dreading the drive home. I think I am stable, but my emotions are high. Therapy went really well the day before my birthday, and my writing class is finishing up this week. Gotta stop all the drama and self-sabotaging, but I feel like that all of that is my bipolar DNA.

Happy day after your anniversary of birth @LadyShadow!

Damn. I left the sub out too long and it got moldy. Didn't realize until after I took a bite. Oops!

I'm in a lot of stomach pain, nauseated, not hungry, and I'm really drowsy right now. I made it to therapy but it was a pain. Plus I saw my old therapist. Which was awkward. I have this fear of running into people I know. I've had it since I was 12.

Mainly I'm just really drowsy right now for some reason. I got these Tums with nausea support. Idk if thats what the issue is.

I took a half hour nap. I feel. Idk. I threw up a bit.

I think I'll go for my blood work tommorow. My doctor did order an A1C.

I feel like total crap today. I want to watch the debate. I saw that 73% of Americans are going to be watching it tonight.

I'm doing pretty good. I added crunches to my daily pilates routine about a month ago and have noticed it's finally paying off on my abs. I'm pretty happy about that. It was like I hit my 46th birthday and suddenly I gained all this weight in my midsection. Now I've just got to keep it up.

Bipolar and anxiety-wise I'm in a much better place than I was over the winter and spring, and that is nice. I haven't had any med changes in the past month or so either. I am loving this period of stability.

Congrats on the stability @Blueberrybook !! It does feel good, doesn't it? I guess I have the risperidone to thank for mine. Can't wait to get off this real weight gainer Lithium soon. Have you read any new and exciting books lately?

I am really cringing my way through work this afternoon. I managed to complete my writing course since I brought my laptop with me and scored a 100 on my final exam! So happy!

Just watching the clock now, and I really hate doing that. Spending some time away from my boyfriend today and it feels pretty good. Just being able to have that space to breathe and enjoy being alone is really an amazing feeling. Still feeling some residual feelings about my ex, but I think by the time me, and boyfriend have our trip together in 4 months I should be well over it.

Got seven hours of sleep last night. Yippie!! Pretty excited about that. 🤗 Overall feeling really good. Coming up with some good ideas for my new novel. They're just coming to me naturally and randomly, without me even thinking about it, like the novel WANTS to be written, which is great!

My excruciating pain and nausea from my period has mostly subsided, which is nice. And good because I'm out of dramamine and Midol. My periods have become excruciating, to the point where the pain makes me nauseous 🤢. Husband was like, "Why are your periods gaining in intesity?!"

I don't know why! Not to be disgusting, but they're heavier too! Wtf man. It was to the point where I was on the kitchen floor curled up in a ball from the pain and nausea. LABOUR felt better!!! Jeez. Maybe I have an ovarian cyst or something.

My anxiety is up again today. Used the bathroom a number of times and Klonopin is only partly effective.

My mother fell at home last night. She called me late and my son and I drove over as quickly as we could. We found her on the floor but she was ok. She couldn't get up by herself so we had to lift her. It was difficult.

She's ok today and taking it easy.