Bipolar Check-in #80

So my mother has congestive heart failure, pneumonia, water in the lungs, and lots of water throughout her stomach, and legs. They're checking for problems with the kidneys and liver.

They don't yet know the type of congestive heart failure, we're waiting for the cardiologist's report and the results of other tests.

No prognosis yet, they are just focusing on getting her reasonably well so that she can move and walk on her own, well with a walker but at least walking. That's still a couple of days away though.

I'm hopeful that what my family has is just a bad cold and not the beginnings of pneumonia that we picked up from my mother.

When I visit in the hospital I have to wear a gown, gloves, and a mask. Wearing all that makes things hot and unpleasant.

I had a bathroom emergency due to the anxiety. I thought it had passed, but I guess not. Taking Klonopin 2x a day. Depression is doing its thing, coloring everything grey.

@Scooter9 I'm sorry about your mom. I'm thinking of you.

@Blue_Bird I use D vitamins as well. Very helpful.

@Scooter9 Sorry to hear about your mother. I am sorry for your troubles too, anxiety and depression.

I actually feel a lot better stomach wise. I've taken the double amount of Prilosec and I read it can work pretty quickly. I went grocery shopping today. I've been getting out more lately with out any anxiety or fatigue. I think stopping the 20mg geodon and starting the 2000mg vitamin D was a good choice.

I have had pretty bland foods today. A lot of pudding and stuff. So I don't know if thats also why my stomach is ok. But I'm glad not to be throwing up or have heartburn.

I guess the nurse yesterday expected the doctor to cancel the colonoscopy after the results from the endoscopy and thats when he said he absolutly wants to do a colonoscpy. I have to drink like 13 8oz glasses of this lemon lime gross stuff after 5PM on sunday and then the rest on Monday at 4AM. It will not be fun especially since I can't eat much of anything on Sunday and I get crabby during just a couple hours without eating stuff.

It'll be over soon, MD.

Just take it step by step and it'll be ok.

Doing this now is good because it rules out other possible problems so that you'll get the treatment that will address your issues.

Thanks @Mountaindewed and @Rosi700

Bad news: my hypomania has turned to full-blown mania. H is this close to a asking me to the psych hospital, I am having, no appetite, pressured writing, delusions, hearing voices, high anxiety, easily agitated, jumping from task to task, feeling hyper sexual, pressured speech, impulsive decisions, high energy, talking loudly, jumping from task to task, decreased need for sleep(slept 4.5 hr last night), pretty much if it’s a symptom of mania, I have got it to the nn degree. But I feel AWESOME! I feel ALIVE again! I am so happy! No blunted emotions😁

Before H found out, I took Klonopin(last one though), hydroxyzine, and lamotrigine to calm down which is how I am writing this post.

I think I need the psych hospital but don’t want to go because H and even I don’t want the cost. It is SO expensive. I cannot go. H is sick, stressed and tired. I can’t put more. On him now.

I am having high anxiety and panic attacks due to high stress: hurricane Harvey, fear of not being adequately prepared for the next hurricane, panic Trump will be elected president.

I also started my period today.

Anyone hear from @raspberrytorte today? She is manic too and I am worr About her.

@Scooter9 I hope everything turns out as best as it can for you and your family. We're here for you

Now I feel like an asshat for yelling at my mom after she yelled at me...it takes days for her to cool down, so I'm just going to spend a few days wandering around and sleeping at rest stops and hope she forgives me at some point. If I apologize now she's just going to tell me I'm a shyt person who should've never been born as if I'm not already at my freaking breaking point right now holding on a dead tree branch high up over a shallow rocky brook in high winds considering just letting go instead of waiting in anticipation for that branch to fall. I realized why I'm sick of defending myself all the ******* time--because every thing I do is wrong and I'm guilty and defending myself is just deluding myself into thinking I did something not fccked for the first time in my life.

Sorry for the dramatic rant. Doing what I can to literally stay alive right now.

I thought I felt better so I ate a spinach artichoke flatbread and a blue Mountain Dew and I've been puking for the last 15 minutes. My mom warned me.

Idk. Maybe I need to just stick to the basics until I get more things figured out. Pudding and jello and hearts of palm pasta.

One of my bills came in and its $250. I don't really have the money but I'm not letting my mom pay for it even though she offered to. So I'm taking it out of my measly savings.

Md do yourself a favor and get some popsicles that aren’t red or orange and some baby wipes for your prep day Sunday. Trust me they help. Also coke while having ulcers and gastritis is a big no no. It’ll only make it worse.

Pawpaw doesn’t have much time left. He’s now bed ridden. I feel so sad for him and he keeps say in g how he wants to die.

Yeah thats why I'm trying just to throw all my soda out but my brother in law is saying he'll take it but he isn't coming to get it.... I know thats just an excuse for me to drink it, but sometimes I feel addicted to soda. Even with everything going on.

Sorry about your Pawpaw.

I'm not manic! I promise.

Anxious day. Ugh. But took prn seroquel and Husband gave me the best O of my life (damn! Don't know how the man does it! Like I said, he drives me CRAZY!) and felt better. Then took a two hour long nap. Yawn. And woke up feeling FANTASTIC! Now I'm just texting people and did the dishes and have to do the cat litters still. I have time though.

Therapist thought my Amsterdam trip sounded cool! She seemed to think it was a GOOD idea. I'm still not going unfortunately 😔 but just saying. Even if I still feel like I absolutely MUST, but there's no way I can if Husband thinks it's a bad idea. He said I may want to invest my 401k money on something different in the future. My response is just YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE!!! YOLO!!! HAHAHA 😆

And my therapist thinks I'm not getting any sleep at night because I drink caffeine and vape. But I have to have at least a little bit of caffeine or I go through awful caffeine withdrawal and get grumpy, and nicotine withdrawal... WATCH OUT BYTCH. So I guess I just need to wean myself off caffeine and I'll be able to sleep at night. Didn't talk much during my appointment. She was terribly sobering (with all her caffeine and nicotine lecturing) and I didn't want to blab on and on and on so I was careful to keep my mouth shut and my thoughts to myself. I see her on Wednesday again. Right after my last Dr. K appointment. Six month review! Past six months went by fast. I hate these stupid reviews where I have to go over what my "goals" are, etc. Whatever. I don't have goals.

I need to work on my novel, but can't seem to concentrate or focus on it. Don't know what's going on there.

I was addicted to cokes for a while and had to stop because of chronic gastritis and I know how hard it is not to drink them. They are very tasty.

I don't feel hypomanic today. I got a ton of sleep last night-I think because I worked out for the first time in several days (maybe a week). My muscles were tired today from it, but I wasn't overly fatigued like would have happened before getting this IV. I also still have significantly more mental energy.

I got a letter from my insurance saying they are requesting the records connected to my autonomic test. That makes two tests they are looking into. I hope these turn out in my favor...

My endoscopy biopsy results were posted in MyChart today-it says chronic gastritis (what a coincidence since @HALLIEBETH87 just mentioned this!) without the bacteria that can cause it. I do wonder what is causing this then. We'll see if I get a call from the doctor's office telling me this/explaining things or not. The test results online said the provider hadn't reviewed them yet.

So I had that whole pain during an O and afterwards I threw up a bit and I just found some blood now. Its just a hard topic to bring up to a doctor. But why tf am I throwing up afterwards.

I'm just calorie counting now and figuring out my meals. I've been reading Reddit/1200isplenty and getting ideas. I'm really into zero sugar pudding and jello.

Sounds like you need a new therapist, just saying. The whole obsession with the Amsterdam trick is NOT cool, and just about everyone here thinks that. I don't know what your T is thinking but you need a new T.

I was so manic yesterday, but I felt awesome! H and my daughter thought less that I was awesome or that I could do anything. For the past week, I've had mistakes in my pillbox; I'm a walking pharmacy, so it's hard to refill my pills. My H called my pdoc to get a list of how and what meds I take when. Hopefully my mania was brought about by pill mistakes and cutting my Seroquel in half so I was taking 150 mg instead of 300 mg as prescribed. I can't believe my H called the pdoc after mania of less than 12 hrs.
But the Seroquel makes me SOOO sleepy and fat, and I need to lose weight. I have gotten so fat that nearly half of my clothes don't fit any more and I only have 2 pairs of nice shorts for a hot summer. I am SOO fat. IDK, maybe it's my history of ED that I think that. I used to weigh 110 lb. and now I weigh 125 lb. I'm not that tall, only 5'4". But I think that is very fat for me. I'm trying to do more walking and jogging. I started couch2 10K, but today is a rest day. I wanted to go walking today, but it's raining outside, so I did pilates. I'm still on beginner pilates, but I chose a new video today for the first time ever and it was much harder than my old standby, so that was good.

Bad thing is I still woke up hearing voices. Ugh. They say harmless stuff, not like it's directions for me to do X or talking one on one with God or something. Though I actually love the one on ones with God.

I'm sad I'm less manic today, but maybe still hypomanic, so that's good. But with mania, I felt SOOO alive and had endless energy. Also, I never wanted to eat, and that was a plus for weight loss.

I promised H and my daughter (16 years old) that I will take my meds as prescribed and have a weekly checklist when refilling meds. Such a pain. And also I promised no tinkering around with my meds. Such a pain.
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Pdoc also added lamotrigine and hydroxyzine to my meds.