Bipolar Check-in #80

My stomach kinda hurts but its not a big deal. I just took a couple Tylenol a few minutes ago. I'm making Milky Way pudding and also a box of zero sugar all pink Starburst jello and a box of zero sugar blue raspberry Starburst jello.

I'm tired. Not sure why. I felt good this morning and I've only taken 1 valium. I'm just a bit low right now. I don't feel depressed.

I felt like one of my ulcers was going to rupture but I don't think that can happen. I know they can bleed. I'll call my doctor in the morning. I took some nausea heartburn Tums and they are helping. I'm also sitting up straight.

Edit: I took a 40 minute nap and I feel a lot better.

I was able to read a chapter & a half in my book!

I am SO glad the mania is beginning to curb. Now I'm just hoping my sleep improves.

I'm a lot calmer today than I've been since this bout of mania hit. I'm also taking my full dose of Seroquel again (started last week after promising H I would when he got a list of all my prescriptions from my pdoc and I had to admit the Seroquel I had in the pillbox was 150 mg, not 300 mg as prescribed). For the longest time 100 mg Seroquel worked for me...until it didn't.

Peace & love to everyone! Have a wonderful Sunday

@Blueberrybook Glad that you are feeling better. Being able to sit long enough to read is amazing!!!!!!!

My trip is still going well. We went to my friend’s cabin last night which was really nice. I slept better there than I have the entire trip. And, I managed to be able to take most of my meds without them in the room. The cabin is practically a one room cabin but I was able to take them before my friend and her kid got up. This friend told me she didn’t agree with my diagnosis when I first got diagnosed and I’m assuming her kid doesn’t know so I didn’t really feel comfortable with the thought of taking my meds in front of them.

I head home tomorrow. I love my friend and her family, but part of me that has been experiencing depression symptoms for awhile is somewhat ready to be home again.

I'm fine with Husband taking another gummy.... just as long as he doesn't drink while he's on it! He texted me and said he's definitely NOT drinking after having one. I'm definitely not taking that shyt however. He feels okay today, just a little hungover. Luckily he texted me that work is slow today, which is good. He said he was sorry and thanked me for taking care of him and I said it was fine and there was no reason to apologize and that he takes care of me all the time. ❤️ ❤️

I just love him SO SO much.

I wish I could post a picture of us on here. 😊 I got some good ones last night.

Having a Bad Omens day and laying in bed under the blankets trying to stay warm because our a/c is making the apartment feel like a refrigerator!

@Blueberrybook

Yeah. When I was put on Zoloft the first time it made me hypo, and it was only 25mg! So I got the BP 2 diagnosis in my mid/late twenties. I was put on Lamictal and Xanax and it made me feel SO much better! I got pregnant (surprise!!!) when I was 28 and had her when I was 29. I was on zoloft while I was pregnant to help with my anxiety (and situational depression) since I couldn't be on Xanax anymore, and I'd already tapered off Lamictal. I may have puked every day my entire pregnancy 🤢 but I was definitely happy! Lol.

I didn't breastfeed. I didn't like it. Soph didn't seem to like it, but she never had a problem with her formula and was never sick or threw up.

Plus, I didn't want to do it and felt pressured by everyone to do it. I was so pissed. I mean, nine months of morning sickness, squeezing something the size of a watermelon out of my crotch, a ravaged body.... and now THIS?! I hated everything about being a new mom!!! I don't care if that sounds bad! As a woman you have to go through EVERYTHING and all your man has to do is have an O inside of you!

Honestly, as far as I was concerned, EVERYONE ELSE could breastfeed if they wanted me to do it so much!!!

FUKK!

I'm getting all pissed thinking about it. Lol.

Anyway, yeah, I know I should take my full seroquel dose... it's just making me so FAT!!! UGH. I have the past two days because I couldn't fall asleep at night. I'm also still on 50mg of loxapine, and I was hoping that would be enough to keep the entities at bay.

Went to church this morning and cried a bit. Not a bad cry, just incredibly grateful for the life I am living today. Went to my mom and dad's after and they packed a bunch of food for me to take home, I love them so much. Was so bummed when my dad told me how lonely he is and how much he missed New York. It's all my fault they are here - if it wasn't for going to jail they never would have moved here. I feel like I uprooted their whole life. I feel so guilty and cried a bit on the way home.

But....

When I got home there was a note on my door from my probation officer. I am officially on Unsupervised Probation!! Which means basically OFF of probation but it is in name only until next year, I just can't get in any trouble, which I am obviously not- I have my freedom back, I have my life back, I can travel - no more visits, no more random drug tests - I can do whatever I want now!!

Still feel about my dad - I think I will get an ice cream cake for him next week - but life doesn't get any better than this. After all the pain and hurt from jail and my husband, I am finally putting all of this behind me.

@LadyShadow

That is SO awesome you are off probation! What wonderful news! Couldn’t happen to better person. You have really turned your life around!

pawpaws funeral is wednesday. thre will be a gun salute as he is a korean war veteran. he was94. wow. long life. i miss him so much.

gun fire always triggers bad memories for me of my step mother threatening my life and target shooting when i was 17. scary stuff she was.

i keep getting awful painful muscle spasms since starting risperdal

@halliebeth
Are you doing ok with everything? You're pawpaw lived a very long life. I don't know that anyone in my family has lived that long though I do have a grandmother who is 91.

Gunfire triggers me too

@Mountaindewed
This may not be the ED board, but please stop listing your list of foods consumed daily here & at the ED board. Since you post on the ED board frequently (yet claim to have no ED), you know good and well posting food lists of foods you consume like you do all the time is VERY TRIGGERING to EDs, most especially food lists containing zero sugar this, zero cal that, fat free this, I only ate fruit and veg today, etc. I do NOT appreciate it.

You KNOW there are people on this bipolar board who have EDs and are in recovery. I may be recovered 20 years, but I'm still NOT immune to ED thinking. There are probably others who read this thread who have EDs but do not post. Bipolar disorder and EDs are often co-morbid.

No one else sees the need to list their daily food consumption in such detail.

Stress has been NOT been shown to cause ulcers. The bacteria Helibacter pylori, NSAID use, and vomiting frequently (from the bile) are what have been shown to cause ulcers. Ulcers can increase your risk of stomach cancer significantly. They can perforate. You know how much warning I got between the onset of pain from my perforated ulcer and passing out? 4 hrs. That's it. Next was an ambulance and they said I'd have been dead in 8 hr. from the time it perforated if I hadn't had emergency surgery. Which is why I have gone on about ulcer care.

@Mountaindewed, I seriously hope you take @Blueberrybook's word to heart. You're encouraging some of our stupid ED thoughts, and you're unnecessarily making your health issues worse. EVERYONE on this forum is already struggling enough, and I think it's important that we work on taking actions to recover, or at least look at ourselves and question if what we're doing right now is working, and what might we do to change it if it's not? It's easy to sit in the shyt we've been sitting in and got comfy in, but is it really good to be comfy sitting in shyt?
---
I was freaking happy when I was destroying my life and making myself miserable. I was always comfy in chaos. It took a shytty relationship*** to get me to realize I am an embarrassing mess of a person and I need to stop creating and attracting absolute insanity. I'm trying to keep things as boring as possible now, and I'm more even and not wrecking myself and hurting everyone around me, and it SUCKS. I'm hoping at some point I'll learn to enjoy a healthy lifestyle, and even though that idea is seriously questionable to me, I'm going to try and do it anyways.
---
Relapses happen, people have poor insight and lack of impulse control, there are some "benefits" that aren't really beneficial to certain things we do and say, but at some point there has to be a search for a path leading to better places than the one we're on when things are less than ideal.

***that person created not one, but two fake FB accounts and messaged me over the past week. I didn't have everything on super private, my fault, but seriously man, knowing I'm still that much on their mind that they want to fcck with me KNOWING I want to do things to them I can't post here, is stressful af. I already question the entire workings of my mind regarding this relationship (was it really the best one I had and I just suck at accepting that, or was it the worst and I'm thinking the prior because I doubt my intuition on this stuff?). It's hard to focus less on his actions and motivations behind them and more on the fact I felt like crap with him and I felt like crap when I was "with him" but not in his physical presence.

@LadyShadow

That's great you're off probation!

@Mountaindewed

I don't have an ED, but I can see where @Blueberrybook and @MuddyBoots are coming from. Maybe instead of journaling in here your food intake for the day you could make a list IRL. That's what I do when I'm on a diet (which isn't at the moment... lol. I had a strawberry sundae with rainbow sprinkles last night before the show! It was DIVINE). Or start a diet thread on the board since so many of us are struggling with our weights because of our meds and the ED people can just avoid it? Just some ideas.

Also - can taking OTC pain meds make ulcers worse? All this talk of ulcer perforation is making me a tad freaked out for you. I don't know much about ulcers and OTC pain meds though.

I dont think we should be telling each other what we can or cannot post. And since that is exactly what i am doing here, i will report my post!

The guidelines say to do it in a pm, but i can see how it would feel safer in a thread.

I would say the rules got a lot looser after the site became MSF a few years ago. Before we were scared ever to mention a bodyweight, let alone a calorie count.

Anyway i hope docjohn has some recommendations on how to make this a better space for everyone.

In regards to what @Blueberrybook @MuddyBoots and @raspberrytorte have posted I wanted to add a thought.


Like many of us on here I have PTSD. I do not think a single person on here would think it was acceptable to post details of a trauma on here because we all know that there are lots of us who have PTSD. Doing so once would probably bother people but would be tolerated. I don't think anyone expects that it is ok to post about trauma repeatedly on this forum because it would hurt others. That doesn't even need discussion. PTSD is discussed on the PTSD board which can be avoided by someone like me who knows it would be bad for them. In the same way I think discussions of detailed ED symptoms not directly related to BP belong on the ED board and weight loss centered posts belong on the weight loss and exercise board. That lets people choose what they are reading.

We need to keep this a safe space and that means looking out for others as well as sharing our own lives.

@LadyShadow Congratulations! What a great accomplishment!

Went and had a good chat with the assistant principal this morning.

Saw some kids suspended for some unruly behaviour on Friday.

I went up to a kid to help him, he looked at me and barked at me like I'm a dog. The female student sitting next to her clapped her hands and said, "Good, go get her!" Then looked at me and said: "Now you can piss off!"

I was also recorded on a student's device without consent (he was trying to record the student sitting next to him but caught me in the background helping another student). I had a student that asked for a drink of water. I said no you can wait for lunch (10 minutes ) it's not an extreme weather day. He walked out anyway.

It's chaos.

I did something new today! I tried a video game on my phone. It's called "Genshin Impact" and appears to be what i've heard called 'anime.' There is one character so far, a pretty girl i've named "Jude." I can make her walk, run, jump, swim (and drown -- eee!), slash her sword, climb cliffs, etc. I can also control the camera. It's captivating but as with all new things there is a learning curve and frustration. I have a very low frustration tolerance. I have to play for a few minutes, then take a rest.

I feel fragile hope tho that this will become a new hobby for me, as i have been painfully bored lately.

As to all the fuss on the board, remember there is the ignore function. If someone really bothers you consistently, perhaps it's better just to ignore them than try to change them.

@Lady Shadow:

Congratulations on the easing of the restrictions on you! Bravo!

@Blueberrybook:

Glad to hear the mood has stopped escalating and you are more comfortable.

@Crazy Hitch:

So very sorry to hear your work is such chaos. Being a teacher can sometimes be a thankless task. My mom and dad were teachers.

@MuddyBoots:

I also feel being bored is a virtue -- up to a point. I remember all the chaos of my early thirties, being homeless, and am grateful that all i have to suffer now is boredom. And hopefully i have vanquished that with my new project!

Hugs to all else!

I teach year 7 and year 8 Humanities

Ugh. Restless night. Not quite sure what's wrong with me but I've been up since 2:30AM. I forgot to put my meds out last night and my ecig ran out of vape and Husband works until 2PM today. I know I should probably take a seroquel, but I'm resisting for some reason. I have to get my booty in the shower. Maybe a soothing hot shower would make me feel better. Tried writing in my journal.

I don't know. I just feel odd. I guess it happens. I'm afraid to post anything in this thread anymore to be honest. I'm developing a list of things you can't talk about or even mention.

Scales
Mentioning how meds have made you fat
Jello
Anything spicy in nature
Throwing up (even if it's just saying your kid is sick)

Christ! I'm sure I missed something. Jesus. Can we all just chill out? I'm seriously afraid of offending people now with anything I say! I was going to say I have to get my fat booty in the shower but was worried that just by saying the word FAT it would be triggering and I only say it jokingly! Jesus Christ!! God!! Fukk!! Ugh!! I'm taking a shower.

Editing Raspberry coming in:

Sorry for sounding so exasperated. Lol. It's just one of those nights and I'm about to pop (aka have my period).

Sorry if I upset anyone with my post; I just don't have that many people on my friends' list to PM directly

EDs are very competitive by their very nature; even online. It's different from other disorders, no one feels a sense of competition like, ooh, I want to drop more acid than her, I want more PTSD than he has, give me more of that depression, I need some sexual abuse to happen to me, ooh, I feel so guilty for not being as manic as he is or for not having as much OCD as she does. It's a weird disorder. You can see a list of foods a person consumes and suddenly have tremendous guilt about the higher calorie or higher fat or higher sugar foods you just ate and immediately try to purge by vomiting, laxatives, diuretics, overexercise. It's like second nature to someone with a history of an ED. A food list like can suddenly make a person resolve to eat nothing else for the day so she's now eaten few calories than the list posted. Continual weight posts do make a person with an ED feel tremendous guilt at maintaining a weight and not losing it and can trigger a relapse just like that.

And I don't mind if people sometimes post weights, BMI, foods eaten (though lists of foods are triggering). It's when it happens again and again and the foods are mostly triggering (and in some cases very easy to purge as there are foods that are much easier to get rid of than others).

IDK, I'm sorry if I'm oversensitive about the issue. I don't mean to be. It's an issue close to my heart.

And I'm just coming down from mania (at least I hope so). Some of my actions are still impulsive and not something I'd normally do. IDK that I normally would have posted ordinarily since posts like that have been showing up on this board for some time and they've always bothered me but I've said nothing about it.

I'll get back to posting topics more relevant to BP now. Sorry about the rant.