Bipolar Check-in #80

@Blueberrybook, I think you're referring to the term "kindling" where each episode is like adding a log to the fire. I'm literally only 27 and it's been 9 years since my first full-blown mania (probable hypomanias prior, which in that self says something), but seriously, they used to hit hard, fast, but it was more the "dance around, sprint the streets at night, randomly drive to the beach for sunrise, write and write and write and write, clean EVERYTHING," sorta deal and it'd last at most a couple weeks. That first real mania was an anomaly at that time, and even then it was only a week (before the police dragged me to the ER and I got a shot of zyprexa). From I want to say 23-26 my manias progressively accumulated more and more dangerous and regretful acts with health consequences that definitely have shaved some years off my life.

On meds they'd have a slower progression, but really that just gave me a reason to think "it's not going to be as bad as last time, I'm not sleeping THAT much less than I was a few days ago, and I 'normally' do these things (when 'normally' only accounts for the past week)." I think the first five years after being dx'd with bipolar I've only had first responders come out to me two or three times. Last five years it's been once or twice a year. Shyt. That doesn't feel good to realize. My concentration is always crap though. Too many drugs (and I think lithium was the worst of them all for me haha. Maybe it's because at one point I had a 4.2 level, but either way)

@raspberrytorte, you definitely sound a lot more leveled than recently. Love it! Glad things are going well with ezine too! You enjoy your Sleep Token haha.

I'm listening to Meg Myers-Monster a lot these days. Still not over the past relationship. Makes sense since I'm freaking waiting on results from STI testing... I feel awful because I thought my hep was treated, but it wasn't, and they probably have it now, and they get around a bit. Thinking of that Morgan Wallen song lyric "I don't feel bad for you, but I feel bad for him."

But now Papa Roach- Forever came on, and I feel like youtube is trying to tell me I don't do well in relationships but it feels like my pubis is shattered. I sorted things out in my room a bit and found a bunch of shyt people have given me over the years, and I had to throw all of it in a drawer only to take out when I want to remind myself everyone is going to leave in the end. A lot of it was from my past partner that did not survive while we were together. I think about her a lot. Her family hated her. Her dog was the greatest good girl ever, and I miss going with the two of them to the park and roughing around. I remember that time we hiked this mountain at midnight tripping on shrooms and just stared at the stars forever. I taught her how to ski, but not really. I just got her good enough on the greens and taught some emergency skills so I could take her on some blues because the greens where we went were too boring.



I need to stop thinking about all my failed relationships. I guess that's all of them....

@MuddyBoots

That's really sad about you and your past girlfriend. 😭 The relationship you describe you had with her sounds so deep and beautiful and touching. I'm so sorry that happened. 🫂 ❤️

@Blueberrybook

Yes. I've definitely gotten worse with age. I didn't have my first psychotic break until I was 31 years old! Something about becoming a new mother triggered something in me. I couldn't handle the stress of working full time and taking care of a newborn then baby then toddler. And Daughter was a good baby and toddler! Sleeping through the night at four months, rarely cried or had any tantrums, even when she was teething. I didn't have my first OD until after she was born. I got PPD really bad that lasted for at least two years! And even her birth was easy. All natural, no epidural or pain meds or anything. Only seven hours of labor. She's always been a good, easy going kid. I just couldn't handle being a mom for some reason!

I mean, I love it now. ❤️ It's absolutely divine. I can't imagine life without her. She's so funny and creative and talented. Likes to write a lot. Taking after me. 😊 And she's a VERY talented artist.

Anyway, so yes, has definitely gotten worse sadly, but I have a good support system (though Therapist is kind of questionable at times and Dr K just retired and I don't know about Dr A yet) and my meds and am on SSDI so I don't have to worry about freaking out at work anymore.

So everything has worked out. 😊

I'm supposed to take 50mg of seroquel in the morning, afternoon and 200mg at night. The morning dose makes me a bit sleepy because I take it with my morning loxapine, but the afternoon dose doesn't. I just take a hour and a half to two hour long nap in the morning and wake up feeling better.

Hey guys!

So glad to see everyone posting as usual. I always love seeing you all, I really do. Coming here gives me so much hope, because I feel so much less alone, which I think is the whole point of having this bipolar fellowship that we have here on this thread.

I think your story is so touching @MuddyBoots - I love seeing what you write and all your thoughts. I would read any book you come out with! Just whatever you write, whether is be stories or just an anthology of thoughts, poems and ideas. I want to write my book too; it's just a matter of getting the discipline to put it all together.

Today was an amazing day. I went to an AA meeting looking so rough, (because I dressed for the gym with no makeup) and still got asked out to lunch, lol. I told him I had a boyfriend, but it was nice to still get noticed. I ended up going to the gym alone because all my buddies couldn't make it, but I managed to do two hours by myself, which I was really proud of. Got home and ate lunch and kind of just flopped on my bed from being so tired, but managed to pull myself up and start laundry and start cleaning my house.

Moodwise I am pretty level. I am sleeping more, which was a worry for me just last week. I hope everyone is having a wonderful Saturday and enjoying their weekend so far.

@LadyShadow

Thanks! You have a good rest of your Saturday too. It's great you got noticed and asked out! Woohoo!!!

@MuddyBoots

That is such a tragic story you shared about your past partner.. So sad. It's not a wonder you'd be broken up about it. Thinking about failed relationships can really get a person down in the dumps, especially if you don't currently have an SO. I definitely read your book!

@LadyShadow
I'd read your book too! You have such an interesting and positive story to tell about how you overcame so many obstacles along with your drinking and gotten sober. You have such a wonderful, FULL life!

@raspberrytorte
I didn't have my first psychotic episode until I was in my 30s and postpartum too. My daughter was born when I was 29, almost 30. I had been treated for major depression along with the ED in the past, but looking back, I see signs of hypomania all throughout my 20s and some questions I was embarrased to answer truthfully to the pdoc of the times: hypersexuality, overspending, etc I'd had bipolar all along and been misdiagnosed. After my daughter was born, I too was diagnosed with PPD and put on Zoloft. I know the current thinking is not to breastfeed on any psych meds, but in those days, it was thought it was safe to nurse on Zoloft. I breastfed for 2 years. Then, I showed up at a scheduled pdoc appt. crazy manic, pressured writing notes all over the place and all over the waiting room, talking a million miles a limit and my diagnosis changed to bipolar I. And finally put on bipolar meds. But I didn't have my first psychotic break until I was 35 or so. Lately, I've had them in 12 month intervals.

I too did not like the new mom stage, except for nursing. Daughter was an excellent breastfeeder & she was not crying when she was nursing. I didn't much care for the early toddler stage and terrible 2s and early 3s either. But after that, I started enjoying motherhood, and once your child is out of elementary school and can relate to and handle more grownup topics all around, you are so right, it is divine! And it's also great when you can stop watching cartoons, kiddie TV (esp. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse!), and tween shows. Though I have to admit even tween shows with real live people are better than small kids' TV.

Heck, we ALL have interesting stories! I'd read any of your books too!

I took a LONG rest period this afternoon lying in bed and listening to music. I chilled out a little and even read 5 or 6 pages in my book (couldn't even get through 1 paragraph last night). I'm a bit more mellow. H says I always seem to get agitated around 10,11 AM then my mania calms somewhat late afternoon but will often rev up at night. Too many thoughts floating around in my head just lying there TRYING to fall asleep.

Oh yeah, guys. That relationship was less of a connection and more like chasing the dragon together. Don't get me wrong, there were parts I definitely miss like that night on the mountain and skiing, but holy shyt were the both of us super fccked up then. I don't think there was a single day during that relationship both of us stayed sober. We were super lucky this was before there truly was "no safe experience."

There were two other serious partners that I seriously question if they're still alive too. To be fair one was old af (well, that's what a 17 y/o says about a 47 y/o anyways) and was having serious medical emergencies all the time. The other was a walking disaster. Seriously only remember fights with him. Really freaking nasty fights.

I kinda want to stay up as late as I can tonight.

And I will definitely be writing some crazy bipolar story stuff too

I had heartburn and **** so I took some melatonin tums and I fell asleep for a bit and now I'm up listening to Elton John and Toto. I'm tired but I'm not really in the mood to go back to sleep. I woke up with some weird thoughts about stuff that didn't even happen.

I realized that gut wreching feeling I'd get related to leaving my transference T actually turned into the ulcers. Since I'd get the feeling in the same spot. Man did she mess me up.

I have all these big plans but I can't really do anything about them now.... I'm just waiting until I crash. I have this weird euphroia mixed with fatigue right now. I don't feel impulsive. I'm just fighting sleep mainly.

I've made a couple threads on here but it looks like this is where ppl post more.

Let me introduce myself. I have BP 1, ptsd, panic disorder and generalized anxiety disorder.

I suffer from really bad anxiety and I'm going to start working with my therapist using cbt for anxiety. I have a schizophrenic. Son who is 28 and lives in a group home. If you want to know more about that you can find the thread I made on him called my son.

My sister had a stroke 4 months ago and that's stressful. She has a tumor in her brain and at the bottom of her spine. 3 days before the surgery she had the stroke. Tumors run in our family. My mom had one my other sister had one and my son has one on his brain but so far it's not causing any problems.

I have lymphedema from sitting up sleeping. I had a really big wound but it took 2 years to get rid of. We'll one came back and I'm going to be going to the wound clinic 1 time a week. With the big one I had to use compression 4 layer wraps 3 times a week and I had in home nurses come out and change it 3 times a week and I would just go to the wound clinic every 2 weeks. They basically told the nurses what supplies to order and directions on what to do.

In2011 I had a very scary psychotic break. I was 36. I knew I had BP but I didn't want to give up my hypos. I would go into a deep dark depression every winter and when spring would come I would start projects, bake all the time, get a whole bunch of toys for my son. I would also get hypersexual and inge drink.

I've had a couple psych nurses lead me down the wrong path so I strted just becoming my own psychiatrist. I ended up not being able to sleep even taking 30 mgs of Zyprexa along with a ton of sedating meds. My psychiatrist wouldn't help so I ended up in the hospital. It had been 7 years bc my last experience was horrible. They ended up doing a 51 50 on me bc I was clearly in a mixed episode. I'm better now except for the anxiety.

So I'm hoping that I'll be able to get and give support

2:30 AM and I'm wide awake. Up since 12:45 AM WTH! I slept well until then, crashed around 8:30 last night, but that's not a lot of sleep.

I'm SO over mania.

I feel your pain. Insomnia always leads me into either mania or mixed. Can you get your meds tweaked?

@Manarinorange
Welcome! Sorry for all the trouble you had with your physical health and the psych system and your sister. Not that having anxiety is great, but it's good your BP is stable. My first psychotic break was when I was 35. Now I seem to get them yearly, around Nov. or Dec. usually.

I see the pdoc next week. I think I'll ask him if I can increase the trazodone.

I hate insomnia.

I fell asleep OK last night, just couldn't STAY asleep. In the past, Seroquel + trazodone was good for a solid 8-9 hr, and usually felt like I could sleep another hour if I didn't need to get up.

On a positive note, I only got a little hyper during the evening and calmed down after taking my meds and reading (yes, reading!!) before I fell asleep. I couldn't read much, only about a chapert, but that is a HUGE improvement. I found that turning off the lamp and reading using a booklight instead settles me down more.

I want to go for a walk, but it's still dark out and only 3:30 AM. Sigh. Really I want to do pilates but H needs to finish sorting his table of junk before I have room again. He finally has to turn in his grant proposal on Wednesday, and after that, hopefully he will have more time. I will be SO glad when he's done with that. Not only is he stressed out, but he is working nonstop all day even on the weekend on it. He only just went to bed now. I feel so bad for him.

Edited:
SHYT! I can’t follow Tv this morning again

Agitated again and can’t settle down to do one thing. I hope morning meds will help. I usually take them at 5:30 am as I am an early riser (when I do sleep). Just another 45 min or so to wait.

Obsessing about doing something that is downright cruel to another person.

I DON'T understand. This is NOT me. I don't do this SHYT.

I need to control myself. Took my morning meds half an hour early in the hope that they will help. They haven't yet, don't think they've had time to kick in.

I'm going for my walk once it gets light outside. Hopefully it will get my mind off it. I NEED to get my mind off it.

Date night with Husband was fun... Except, unfortunately, he had half a gummy of a THC hemp derivative before we left (he bought them to hopefully help with his anxiety, which has been particularly awful as of late) and he drank a couple of beers at the show, and the gummy didn't kick in until we got home, and he had a total green twitch out! Was contorting uncontrollably, could barely walk, etc. I've NEVER, in our twenty-four years together, seen him like that! So he obviously had a bad gummy beer combo reaction. Good thing he didn't take the whole gummy! I was SO worried. 😟 Held his hand firmly so it wouldn't twitch, held him close. That's some nasty shyt!

I didn't drink last night. Just had diet mountain dew. Free refills on soda. Yippie! So I had trouble falling asleep. Ended up saying fukk it and just took my full 200mg Seroquel dose (lately I've been skipping it) but I still only got three hours. I'll probably take a nap later today.

Poor Husband has to work an eleven hour day today. He's going to be so sick, and he's the manager, so it's not like he can call in.

@raspberrytorte

I am so sorry your H had a bad reaction to the THC gummy. Make sure he NEVER takes one again! That sounds AWFUL!

Awesome job on not drinking last night too! You know you shouldn't skip your Seroquel dose. That is very likely to catapult you back into mania, and IDK but you could have a bad experience with it and go right into psychosis. And you could just have a bad experience with the mania. This was the first time my mania turned into being NOT fun while I was manic. There is a first time for everything. Does your pdoc know you are skipping your Seroquel?

I went on my walk this morning. I'm all sweaty. I didn't make much walking progress at the park, but I used 2 of the outdoor weight machines. I will be sore tomorrow!

I stopped obsessing on my walk and I am so glad I went at first light. It was one of those days when you can still see the moon as it gets light. It was a full moon, huge, brilliant bright dark yellow hanging low in the sky. One of those views of the natural world that just take your breath away. And the clouds were awesome, the type that look like they are outlined in the sky. I practiced breathing deeply at a pace I could talk to someone else, and I even sang along to some of the songs on my iPhone (dorky and hopefully the neighbors don't think I'm crazy (though I admit I AM a little crazy!) With the slowed breathing, I could smell the scent of a tree I love the smell of that blooms here in the summer (not sure what it is, definitely not magnolia, the blooms are pink and I can identify magnolias and magnolias do not bloom here in summer, more like spring).

So all in all it was a fantastic walk for me. I'm downing water now and cooling off before my shower. One thing about these walks it is very warm, muggy & humid & I sweat so much I feel I HAVE to take a shower afterwards. It does ensure I have good hygiene.

I hope everyone has a fantastic day!

I slept pretty good. I fell asleep right around 8 and I woke up for about an hour around 10. Then I fell back asleep until 3:30 and I made tea then I fell back asleep at 4 something and I woke up at 6:15. My stomach is all good and so are my moods. The thing I ordered from Amazon was supposed to be delivered today but now its not coming until tommorow. I guess its because of that glitch thing. But I feel pretty zen today. No need to rush all over doing stuff.

@Rasberrytorte
Has your H tried any natura remedies for anxiety - acupucture, exercise, massage, herbs like chamomile, aromatherapy such as lavendar,? Fish oil too helped me some. None of these are a cure all but they lessen anxiety as well as avoiding alcohol.

Acupuncture is awesome if you have insurance that helps with it and can afford it. I wish we could afford it again, but my medical bills have eaten up so much money we can't. Plus our cars are very old - one 30 yr., the other 20 yr. and soon I fear there will come a day when the mechanic just can't fix them anymore and we have to invest in a good used car. And even used cars are expensive!

Oh, my goodness, I have so many things I'm suddenly appreciating today: the walk I took, the feel of being nice & clean after a shower, the smell of my body wash, a nice juicy plum.

This happened to me the last time I came out of mania and psychosis. My senses and appreciation for life just perked up but not in a bad, manicky way. I guess morning meds kicked in!

I hope this means I will have more periods of slowing down, taking life more easily.

And now I have quite the opposite problem of wanting to lose weight but of losing weight too much too fast. I have had quite a reduced appetite while manic and I lost more weight than I intended. This has reared some ED type thinking (UGH! I HATE that!) I have been using CBT techniques to work on combating this. I have to remind myself I have to eat a lot more than usual when I walk b/c it throws my metabolism into overdrive. I hope I get my appetite back soon; wow, I NEVER imagined I would say that! I do still want to tone up my muscles, but I do NOT need to see a smaller number on the scale. I need to get rid of the scale; however, pdoc weighs me at every appt. And lately he's been seeing me every week to every 2 weeks. Last time I got rid of a scale, I ran over it with my car. But that was out at my parents house in the country where there is hardly any traffic.

@Manarinorange, welcome to our little safe haven! Things sound pretty stressful right now, and I'm sorry that doc let you down. I hope your BP stays at bay and the anxiety becomes more manageable

@Mountaindewed, glad your stomach isn't feeling too bad (as of your last post). Ulcers have some serious consequences. There's the perforation chance that was already discussed, and there is a pretty high risk of stomach cancer if you had one (and even higher if you've had multiple).

@raspberrytorte that must've been one strong gummy! THC man... in my experience that stuff does the exact opposite of help with anxiety. Even when I get on that slippery slope thinking "it's just the good ole' purple mountains' majesty" I know I have to get exact percentage of THC to know I'm not going to freak out (and it is so low that even something labeled as an indica can have too much). Alright, I'll stop the weed talk, but it is very important to know what you're looking for and that you're getting that.

@Blueberrybook, I'm so sorry those ED thoughts ramped up lately. When you see your pdoc can you stand on the scale backwards and ask them to not tell you? My last scale was smashed with a crowbar, but then my mom brought another in the house May you have a steady and gentle reentry into the Earth's atmosphere!