Bipolar Check-in #80

Time to start a new one. I'll link to this on the last thread and ask for it to be closed.

I figured the old check in thread would get closed as soon as I posted in it so I'll just repost my post on the new on.

Well I thought things were better. But I've been throwing up all night. I could make a second shrimp scampi dinner the way the noodles are coming out whole. Sorry if thats gross. Its just furthur proof I might have gasterperiris if I'm throwing up undigested food like this.

Overall I've felt down and anxious today but I had been taking zzquil and unisom for a few days so I got rid of that stuff since it was messing with my moods and my hunger.

I saw my therapist and she was nice. I asked her a few things that were bothering me. I also talked about remembering something bad in my past and how it would make me space out and I'd have to pull myself out of it. So we talked about dissociation and trauma a bit.

I don't have PTSD, but I've been through some stuff. Some therapist explained to me that you can have trauma and not have PTSD.

Idk. I'm just rambling now. Why is John such a dik to Chance on The Voice?

Sorry!

It's amazing how hard/draining the last week of school can be. But, students secretly signed (some in goofy ways) a piece of paper while they were working on their STEM activity and one student handed it to me and said it's so I don't forget them. It melted my heart so much!

Mood wise, I did decide to take a PRN of risperidone last night because my irritability was getting out of hand/hit the level that only risperidone can help. I was a little less on edge today/felt like I was experiencing anger and frustration in the way I should be feeling them. I'll take another PRN for a night or two more to see if my mood continues to improve.

My daughter is a HUGE help with my novel planning. The kid is brilliant! Honestly, I'd still be stuck on the same, major thing that I couldn't figure out if it wasn't for her. I'm definitely putting her on my dedication page for this book when I get it published!

I've been wired all day and caving and taking my seroquel. Fukk. I can't get away from the stuff! I need to be put on a different antipsychotic. Something more weight neutral that WON'T make me anxious, restless, or cause me heart problems. Like, I caved tonight and took my night dose of seroquel so I could actually, hopefully, get some damn sleep!!! I predict I'll wake up at 2am, but whatever. I tried.

I had quite the last night. I woke up at 2am. Around 4 or so this guy on Facebook I'm friends with just because he's a fellow writer seemed like he was having a bad night and I was nice and just messaged him and asked him if he was okay. He told me his problem. I offered some advice. He said, "You don't get it! I have *insert disorder* and don't process things like other people. Why did you even start talking to me?" Which just pissed me off further because I was already pissed from something else. I mean, how rude! Sorry I was just trying to be nice! Fukk you dude.

Before that I was having issues uploading files for my narrator for my audiobook, which was REALLY getting me raging.

And then I had bad allergies and my head felt like it was about to explode and I had a sore throat and was in pain from pushing my out of shape body too hard exercising and my period is a week late.

PMS man. PMS.

Oh, and I stubbed one if my toes and it's all swollen and it hurts to walk.

Ugh!!!! I want to THROW something!!!!!!!

I need to read but I can't even concentrate on MOVIES. All I can really do is write in my journal and novel plan. It's really frustrating. I'm just buzzing with energy but my sore body is saying NO. And my mind wants to stay up, but my head hurts from allergies and just wants to try sleeping them off. And the pharmacy has been working on the same med refills for the past four days!!!! I'm going to have to call them and ask when they'll be ready because I actually need one of them.

I showed my mom pictures of me when I was 160 pounds. She said. Wow, you look like your about to collaspe. I did look too skinny and I was getting a ton of crap from in in therapy. So I re did my weight loss goal a bit so I won't look quite like a skeleton again. Or like Elliot Page.

Today I don't feel good. I just woke up feeling like I was going to pass out. I think I'm starting to get better although I'm still dizzy.

That girl I know whos faking dying now says she has 6 months to live. Sure Jan. How does someone fool the medical system like that? I truly don't get it. I've been getting blown off for about a year with my mom sticking up for me while people who fake stuff on their own get all kinds of stuff.

Ugh now I feel all emotional and nauseated. Gonna go shoot myself in the stomach with testosterone to see if that helps my moods at all. Its Wednesday.

I just threw up my morning meds and ensure. My stomach feels better. Anxiety still sucks

I fell back asleep for 1.5 hours and now I feel pretty good.

I got five hours of sleep last night and feel much better, though my stupid ALLERGIES are still bothering me!!! I think for now I'm going to just have to stay on seroquel because I actually sleep apparently when I take it. BOOHOO. Whatever. I'll just ask the new psychiatrist if we can try switching me to latuda or something.

I REALLY wish my psychiatrist wasn't leaving. 😭

I took yesterday off exercising but exercised this morning. Felt good! Going for a walk later today, though it's cold outside, but whatever. Power walk!

CM and T were supposed to meet up with me today because I'm in trouble because they feel concerned that I missed my last therapy session and have missed like half their check-in calls but had like 5 emergency calls in the past week based on my phone records, T just called and said it's going to be Friday lmao. Guess they're not that concerned. Didn't even say what time but I assume it's same time as it was supposed to be today.

My subconscious knew this was going to happen so I went to my favorite store that makes our roads as good as freeze/thaw cycles will allow, and now I have the time and lack of need for sobriety. Should probably get something in my stomach before I continue, but it wouldn't be the first time I go hypoglycemic and won't be the last. GONNA LIVE FOREVER! IMMORTAL CLUB HELL YEAH!

I'm kinda a high functioning alcoholic even though I've barely drank since January. Like I don't become those people you see on Intervention who piss in bushes, collapse on the sidewalk, and start fights with everyone they meet. Maybe I don't perform at max and I would never drive (again) after drinking, but I just had like 7 shots worth and the roommate type person doesn't even notice or at least didn't comment or anything. I thought I'd have trouble walking, but I got to the bathroom fine. I almost want to say I'm higher functioning now after deliberately drinking "in excess" than I was when I was sad.

My mom somehow found out about my novel. I don't know how! She doesn't have Facebook and I certainly didn't TELL her about it. My mom and dad are strict, conservative Christians. My novel is an LGBTQ horror and has a rape scene in the beginning of it. I'm bisexual. My mom DOES NOT need to find that out. I'm so freaked out I feel like I'm going to pass out. I took 200mg of seroquel and it's not calming me down! I want to start bawling. I lost my virginity to this guy who took advantage of me while I was drunk when I was 18. My mom found out and called me a ***** and from the ages of 18 - 21 while I was still living at home I suffered EXTREME verbal abuse, gaslighting, and little mind games. If I wouldn't have met my husband I'd be a lesbian.

Anyway, so the book has a lot of that in it. The mom character is mirrored off my own mom. The rape scene is just like what happened to me. And the protagonists conflicted feelings about her sexuality are like my own at that age (I was ashamed of being attracted to both men and women!).

So now I'm on this huge trip down memory lane.

And feel stupid because I'm 41 and this **** my mom did and said to me 20 years ago still bothers me!!!

😭 😭 😭 😭 😭

I DO NOT want to hang out with them, but my mom wants to get together soon, probably so she can see my daughter.

I have so much hurt inside of me that my mom has caused me over the years since that unfortunate inciting event. And my parents are CLUELESS. I feel like it's time I let them know, but they'd just respond with, "You're selfish and ungrateful." And THAT would make me feel even worse. Since 18 I've been the scapegoat and black sheep of the family.

I don't know why I have to be so sensitive and so damn.... NICE all the time!

@raspberrytorte
I think maybe you have the start to that letter your therapist suggested you write? (That was you wasn't it?)

I'm so sad you went through so much so young. I've done the letter writing thing a few times and it has helped me a lot to share it with my therapist.

I hope your anxiety reduces soon and that you sleep tonight.

I got my gastric emptying scan set up for June 4th. I'm glad I got in so fast considering my GI doctor situation.

I threw up again this morning around 8 and then I fell asleep for an hour around 9. Then I threw up the salmon I had for dinner. But my stomach pain was overall ok most of today.

I feel just tired I guess but I'm glad I'm not in as much pain. And my moods have been ok after my anxiety this mornIng.

Feeling okay. Mood still on the lower side. Taught my rough class today and they were bearable...just. I managed to give them all a vision and value reward. My Year 10s are on work experience so I don't see them so I have a few extra periods this week which helps soften the blow of Monday's unbearable class. Just going to lie low in my office until I teach my last class at the end of the day.

I got through what I thought was going to be a really hard doctor's appointment in good shape. I've been hovering around a diabetic/pre-diabetic fasting sugar with a normal A1C for over a year. 6 months ago my doctor told me that unless my fasting sugar went down I was going to have to go to diabetic at this appointment. I got the results last week and I was at the exact same sugar level. So I have spent the last week feeling sad that I was going to get that diagnosis today.

Instead he said that while I am probably diabetic (I'm on metformin for clozaril weight so that covers some of it) he's ok with continuing at pre-diabetic as long as I stay where I am. I think the unspoken part was "and continue losing weight" which is the plan anyway. So I still get to eat the way I have been eating which is healthy but allows room for treats and healthy carbs.


I am SO relieved. Maybe in 6 months I can lose another 5-10 lbs and that might get my sugar down to normal. Maybe that's unrealistic but it's something to aim for.

Upping my risperidone seems to continue to be the right choice. Today, I was able to focus on all of the good parts of the day (despite feeling miserable physically) instead of stewing in all the frustrations I have right now.

Something interesting, and rather unprofessional, that I noticed today is that when I mention my manic symptoms my counselor often laughs. For example, I told her today that a key sign I need to take an extra 1 mg of risperidone is I get the temptation to rear end people on the road. Her reaction to this was laughter...

Students/families are starting to send in end of year gifts-I've gotten some really sweet/thoughtful cards and gifts.

I didn't sleep. 😞 I got two hours and that was WITH taking my nighttime dose of seroquel. I don't know why I still let my mom hold such power over me. Yes. I'm the letter girl. I texted my therapist yesterday and she asked me if I'd written it yet. I keep on trying, but don't even know where to begin!

I was so sick last night at the thought of my mom reading my novel I ended up puking. I was just SO nauseous. I finally got my period, so now I'm in excruciating pain and am bloated (sorry for the tmi) and STILL feel incredibly nauseous. 🤢 But I don't feel as emotional thankfully. I still don't know how to begin the letter to my mom. I see my therapist tomorrow morning thankfully and am hoping she can help me.

My parents just made me feel like such a terrible person. Like an apple rotten at the core. I became the whipping girl of my family, the one blamed for everything bad that happened. Examples: my dad was having bad heart problems and it was my fault because he wasn't before I lost my virginity. My sister became depressed and it was my fault because I moved out with my husband (then boyfriend) at 21. I was selfish because my parents spent so much money raising me. When I got pregnant my dad said to me, "Well, we're not raising her!" 😒 Like my husband and I couldn't raise our own kid or something. When my daughter was a newborn my dad said to me, "Now you know what we went through!" Like it was so awful and a chore to have a baby, something I should feel guilty about because they had to take care of me when I was a newborn.

😭 😭 😭 😭

There are other things they've said to me. That's just the tip of the iceberg. I need my therapist! I think I'm going to call her today.

Can Cymbalta start working on depression after only 3 days?

I just started on it again at the start of the week, and I realized yesterday not one time did I have that deep overwhelming desire to be dead. That feeling had been with me multiple times every day for I don't know how long. To not have it for one day feels like a miracle. And I woke up this morning and haven't felt that desire yet today (when just last week I would have already felt it so deeply pretty much constantly upon waking).

I really, really hope it's working. I wouldn't describe my mood now as up or even happy, more like level. And I have had moments of feeling content/peaceful. I even went for a short walk this morning. Only 0.5 mile, but that is more than I have walked for months. OMG, this feels wonderful. I pray that it lasts.

It's 10am and I already messed up the "I'm going to do the self-care and not do the self-destruction" thing I said I'd do.



I should be wayyy more fked up than I am which is extremely concerning since that kinda means I have a tolerance higher than I knew, and I don't remember much (I'm assuming moreso due to dissociation and probably a TBI). Steep, slippery slope. Like, Flume Slide trail in the spring. Or N Tripyramid slide after a rain.

T rescheduled meeting with the CM and herself to tomorrow. If they ask about substance use and I remember this, and I'm honest (which I most definitely will be JUST SO I DON'T GET SHYT FROM THE PSYCHOTHERAPY SUBFORUM ) I have a feeling they're going to get ridiculously angry at me. My CM literally growled like a bear when I told her I drank even though I clarified it was only 3 shots.

There are two cats in here just staring at me. We don't have cats.

I see my pdoc in a bit. I'm kind of nervous. But I know my agoraphobia sucks and needs to be addressed. In my house I'm perfectly fine most of the time with my anxiety. Its just when I try to leave my house. I get paranoid and stuff and I can't be in a store for very long.

My stomach stuff is decent today. I haven't thrown up but I am in some pain. I just took my pantropaloze and some tylenol so hopefully it helps.

I think Its mostly just anxiety though about my pdoc appointment.

I'm kind of being lured into eating at home because its less expensive. Like a bag of Ore-Ida fries is $4-$5 and has like 10 servings when one small order of fries from Mcdonalds is $3

A cop just walked by my window. Wtf. He is gone now.

I've had antidepressants take me out of depression that fast, but when that happens I usually either get manic or start rapid cycling.