Bipolar Check-in #81

Mine is called Paragard.

No reading yet today Bouncing from thing to thing. Going to try to finish this episode of my show and then rest or sleep. SHYT! This is just missing one night of Seroquel. Probably. I hope. If I'm acting like this tomorrow after taking 300 mg Seroquel tonight, then I might be starting to have a problem.

H booked a family trip for us in early Aug. riding a railroad into East TX. Probably won't stay overnight but it will be a LONG day (3 hr. drive there & back & a 4 hr. ride). Might stay overnight if we are just too exhausted, but I hate to leave our cats, especially since Midnight is supposed to get medicine twice a day, and I don't really trust a pet sitter to be able to give her the medication b/c she only barely cooperates with us. Her medication isn't a do or die thing, not for diabetes or anything, but for that histo fungus she is combatting.

While I'm jumping from task to task here, I finally did something I've been putting off WAY too long (like 3 or 4 years long): B/c of my coloring, I have a lot of moles, and a couple of them are looking kind of sketchy, one of which is a mole the dermatologist has never liked. HMO's are such a pain what with having to get a referral from the PCP first, but I finally called the PCP, and by some miracle got an actual person at the referrals extension and they said they got the referral put in by the doctor (which in itself is some miracle b/c I could only leave a voicemail for the doctor's PA), and that I should get the authorization in the mail in 7-10 business days. Then, I'll have no excuse not to call the dermatologist and schedule an appt. And of course they send every mole they remove for biopsy and ugh, H once had one with pre-cancerous cells & had to go back for a further butchering that I had to dress forever since it was on his back and it left a pretty good scar there. All of which makes me VERY reluctant to keep my suggested 6 month appts. with the dermatologist.

Hell yeah. Good combo.

I called my pdoc yesterday and asked if he could raise my lamictal. And today he called back and actually made a med change over the phone for once. So now I take 125mg instead of 100mg. Although I don't really think thats the answer. Who knows maybe it will help. I have been a bit cranky and I've had trouble falling asleep. I was on 200mg for a number of years.

Heh heh the new weather guy on tv looks like an overgrown 5 yr old. But his graphics are great. Then tonight he mentioned his “mom wanted him to say that” really added to how young he looks. He’s probably in his 20’s though. But I’ll be hiding out inside again tomorrow as it’s going to be very hot and humid. Just so glad I’m no longer in Texas. Blueberry I really feel for you. Houston is horrible in the summer.

Oh my god. I'm so EMOTIONAL 😭 😭 😭 I'm PMSing and crying about everything and I'm STILL having my stupid period! I texted Husband's mom because my mom is no help, and she said her periods got heavier and she started getting more mood swings, etc., in her mid forties before she went through menopause. I'll be 42 on August 12th and all my mom told me is that she went through menopause in her early fifties. This is TERRIBLE. WHY does this have to be happening to me already?! I hate getting old. 😠 😡 I am NOT happy. I feel like I'm losing my mind! I DO NOT feel normal. I was crying before about WEEDS DYING. It's ridiculous!

I mean, to be fair, I cry about people trying to kill weeds just because they're "ugly" plants.

Okay, maybe I don't cry, but I sure have had heated arguments over it.

Watching the newest episode of Futurama, (I swear they cancel and resurrect this show way too much) and trying to stay awake. Worked all day today and made some real progress, I needed to make some money after all I spent at Galaxy Con. Things are going good, not as irritable today, but since everyone else is talking about it, I missed my period last month all together - I know it has to do with all the increases to my thyroid medicine and my hormones being all off.

I need to start being nicer to my boyfriend too - he's getting the brunt of my anger. I am actually afraid that when my cycle does show up it will come back with a vengeance. I still have issues driving @Blueberrybook and @Nammu - I don't even drive at night anymore because I just can't see the road.

I hope things improve soon @MuddyBoots - I had run around in a perpetual mixed episode for a long time years ago, it isn't fun at all. (((HUGS TO YOU)))

So I'm finally home. H didn't know it had gotten so bad there. I was waking up to sh urges in the middle of the night. Now to recover until Christmas.

@Blueberrybook It's nice you have a pretty good library set-up. I actually just had to fill out the form to renew my library card today. I should do like you do and request books from other libraries when needed. If it's not at the main library branch, I tend to just not get the book. I hope you enjoy your trip at the beginning of August!

Today, I've been working hard to make sure excitement and caffeine didn't combine to cause hypomanic symptoms. I got pretty excited because I managed to get ahold of the neurologist's office and they can see me in the middle of August already (I was expecting it to be a few months). They also had an appointment time that I most likely won't have to use sick. time for. Between this excitement and my pdoc appointment yesterday, I was feeling pretty good so made myself take some breaks for my brain to calm down/things to level out a bit.

Physically, I was pretty tired from a busy day yesterday. Time will tell how my POTS and mood react to heading back to work tomorrow.

Feeling a bit better about work today. Had things put into perspective for me. Dealing with a difficult student who comes from a trauma background. Now I understand why he acted out the way he did.

My memory has become really bad - my pdoc says my depression is causing it. There are really big gaps in my memory and I have trouble even with short term memories like directions to drive someplace.

I'm thinking that since my memory is already in rough shape, it couldn't be much worse with ECT. Since Ketamine didn't work for me, I am now qualified for ECT if I want it. My prodc said I just need to tell her I want to proceed and I can get on the waitlist pretty quickly (so I wouldn't need a referral, assessment, or other clinical things that take time). I've been thinking about it for a while. I wonder what it would do for my anxiety - maybe I'll forget I have it so it wouldn't be a problem then lol!

Today was a day of driving my mother around. It's the same tomorrow. Klonopin helps the physical symptoms of my anxiety but my mind is still doing its thing. I wasn't as paranoid today as I was yesterday, but it increased when I got home.

It feels like the frigging tundra in my room. I'm under 2 blankets and I have the fan turned off. My mom has turned down the air twice. Its 80 degrees out. I have some music turned on that sounds like its German but its not. Idk whats wrong with me lately.

Good morning, going to the movie theater today to see Deadpool and Wolverine! I feel pretty good. Going to go get some food, before I head to the theater. This will be the first time I've been to the movie theater in over a year and the first time going by myself. Hopefully it's not busy. The movie is at 1pm and it's a weekday today so it shouldn't be. Just enjoying some coffee and music right now, before I get ready to go to the store for food.

Good morning

Well another bad night. I did get some sleep, but not much. I gave up at 4:30am. Went to bed at 12:30, around 3 I started tossing and turning. As Christina used to say, a fish flopping on the dock.

Nothing on tv but weird shows.

Yes, Houston is miserble in the summer and late spring and early fall. But I do like that the winters are mild and some years I can even wear shorts at Christmas. Last year, I don't think the low ever dropped to freezing. I remember I never had to break out my sweaters. Snow is such a big deal here it shuts down everything schools, businesses all but essentials. But that rarely happens.

I'm sorry about your sleep. Have you been in touch with your pdoc about it? I know for me, if my sleep goes, I quickly get manicky and that has led to psychosis too. I don't know if that's the pattern for you or not, but I have to be really careful about sleep.

@Scooter9
Benzos are bad for memory. When I was on clonazepam (which I took for 10+years), my memory was the pits. I weaned off it maybe 2 years ago though the weaning process took around 1 year. My memory & forgetfulness isn't great now, but it is TONS better off clonazepam. So that may be affecting your memory along with all the stressors in your life.

@Crazy Hitch
Sorry about your difficult student. Once I tried to teach junior high, and I lasted about 2 days. It was just WAY too stressful for me. I don't know how you do it.

@LadyShadow
I don't drive at night either b/c my sight is not that great. It's better than it was since I had cataract surgery. I used to be very nearsighted like -10 in contact lenses. But after the surgery, my sight was corrected to the point that I'm a little farsighted and I can even drive without my contacts in. Some days, I don't even bother to wear my contacts & I do just fine.

@June08
You are lucky the neurologist got you in so quickly. Whenever I have to see mine it's like a 3 month wait unless it was scheduled 6 months in advance or something. I hope you can get some help with your POTS. Does your POTS flare up with stress?

@MuddyBoots
When I can't get SI off my mind, it becomes an issue where I NEED a med change or hospitalization b/c I just don't trust myself any more. I couldn't stop thinking about SI this past spring and the pdoc suggested hospitalization but I begged him to try Cymbalta instead b/c it worked for me in the past. So he added Cymbalta to my meds, and thank God it starting working within the first week. Can you call your pdoc and see if something can be done? Are you on any meds now?



Thinking of everyone else, it's just a lot to post. I hope those of you having a hard time start feeling better

I did take my Seroquel last night and slept 8 hr Probably would have slept longer but my cat Pecan started jumping and walking all over me to get up to feed her. She never does that to H. She always wakes me up. I am SO glad I slept well; I feel calmer this morning, thank GOD!

I went for a walk this morning, left before sunrise again and really shouldn't do that, but ugh, I like to walk in the dark. I walked too far, I think. I haven't walked that particular route in a long time (over a year), and I forgot how long it takes to get home from the fartherest point of the walk.

I think today is going to be more depressed than mixed, thank God. Or at least that's how it seems. but we're good. Just a lot of feeling like shyt today

@Blueberrybook, am not on meds right now. I don't even know what med I would go back on if that were an option.

Blueberry

One or two nights bad sleep is ok, not great but I’m ok. My pdoc increased my ambien to 1.5 mg but I don’t want to get used to that then have to go back up to 2. I’m just months away from 66 and ambien is not recommended for seniors. But I have no side effects except that I sleep. It takes a week or so of little sleep before I start getting manic. Tonight I’ll be taking the full dose.

I hate driving at night too. I just can’t see that well, I do have cataracts but they aren’t to the stage I can get surgery yet. There’s an art class, micro glass pendant class. But that’s too small for me to work with. The instructions say to bring cheaters so you can work comfortably. That sounds like it’s too small for me.

Well I guess I’m up for the day. Thankfully my mind isn’t speedy but I’m a bit wound up.

Last night was rough and this morning wasn't that great either. I managed to take my cats to the vet. An hour and $542 later I'm back at home watching the olympics and trying to figure out what I should even tell my doctor if I call him. That I don't feel good and I'm cold? Ok yeah.

I had to get cat food today because Ariel was running low. She would Not understand if we ran out! She already walks all over me meowing and sometimes lays on top of me! If I’m up she leads me into the bedroom walking very quickly meowing like crazy if she hasn’t been fed- breakfast or dinner!

I had to put gas in my car today too. Normally I don’t ever let it get below half but it was at a quarter and I can see myself forgetting this fact and running out of gas!

I feel pretty good today. Not spending too much money but I haven’t looked at my cc balance in a few days! Plus I had a Frappuccino today which is going to add to my cc bill and to my Risperdal weight gain!

My ex/the kids’ dad put the individual songs and piano piece on a google drive! So no more sifting through the whole service! If you’d like to see and hear these files- it’s Noah and his dad- just pm me. I think they sound great! And Noah played the heck outta the Chopin piano piece in addition to them blending really well as their voice qualities are very similar!