Bipolar Check-in #81

I am annoyingly shaky today. It's like I slept last night and SOMEONE (we all know who) tried keeping me knocked out with a bat, except my bat is in my trunk, but we have other objects. Wasn't a crowbar I don't think, I think that would wake me up or I'd still be out. Drugged? I emailed a bunch of universities with good physics programs. Last night was wild, but no one got hurt (except emotionally, but the more my mom avoids me the better). I hate how BO'S SUFFERING and him seeing the vet for that has to be compatatble with HER TIME. wtf? I'll take him myself if you don't give a shyt. She wants a fight before she attempts murder. I'LL FKING FIGHT!!!@!!@! Last night someone who works with my CM called and said she has time later this week. I didn't answer because I know everyone that calls to meet up is luring me in. They use "help" like it's a nightcrawler and they KNOW if I were a fish I'd be a rainbow trout, just like if I were a purebreed dog I'd be a husky. We all know if I were a dog I'd be one of those half eastern wolves half coyote guys in Maine. I'll eat some motherfking deer and apples. Shyt, I already do. I AM A WILD MAINE DOG!

Connect every point in an amount of matter and you get a solid. A REAL solid. None of this fake friction division stuff. But I'll save the rest of this brilliance for my notebook. I found my old engineering notebook. You could tell I was a genius that half assed everything and now look at me. I found my element (punny!)

Seeing everything adapt to the proton changes is weird, man. Anyone else see it?

@Nammu I'm starting to tolerate stability too now. I feel like I only have it because I do not have any meaningful connection to anyone irl and that sucks, but maybe when I find people that are healthy for me and I'll be able to be healthy for them.

Sunny out now, but it's calm before the storm, literally. It's going to be an ongoing thing until Friday. so, I am hunkering down. Decided to stay where I'm at and fight it out, no sense in living in fear. It's interesting because I know it's just a Tropical Storm now, but it's slow moving and still scary. For those of you who remember, but years ago when I lived in New York, I was here on this thread and was posting during Hurricane Sandy from my basement - it was a miracle my power had stayed on through all that craziness.

Going to see Deadpool tonight with my friend! This storm is not to be a major problem until at least Thursday. My thyroid medicine is also at the pharmacy - the doctor increased it dramatically, hopefully it helps my weight issue soon.

Just going to sit back and get some work done - You guys are so brave to fight this straight on and talk about it @JaneOnceMore and @Mountaindewed - I suffered with what you are going through for a long time. It's tough to see anything once you're in it, but like what was mentioned, routine and repetition of your favorite things can make dealing with things a lot better. You're in my thoughts and heart today.

Just going to concentrate on work and stay calm. I woke up in the middle of the night really scared - sometimes I wish my husband didn't leave, but I also know how stupid that thinking is at the same time. Ugh, sometimes I need a wake-up call - so glad my boyfriend was there for me at 2am.

Hope everyone has a great Tuesday!

@Lady Shadow
It's a good idea to stay put during the worst of the storm; I'd def. do the same. Stay safe!

@Nammu
Thanks for your post. I struggle with stability sometimes, wish I were hypomanic with loads of energy, but then again, my hypomania usually turns into full blown mania quickly and if that isn't reined in quickly, then psychosis, and for me psychosis is pretty scary b/c I blackout huge amounts of time, whole days, and only have a flash or two here and there until I finally start coming out of it in a psych hospital I don't even remember going to.

I feel ok today. Better then yesterday. I had therapy today. She says its still too early to see a difference from the increase in lamictal. Although I think I am seeing a bit of improvement. Mainly my stomach is just better today and so is my depression. I feel more omptimistic I guess.

Congratulations! 🎉🎉🎉🎉

I don't think I need to go to Chicago. I think I can manage things with my own GI doctor. I think my mom is overeacting. I'm not as itchy as I was yesterday. I do kind of feel just here right now. But again I feel like my mental health is improving.

Then things get bad again anxiety wise but I think I'm just getting used to these new OTC meds and the side effects.

I went to the eye dr today and I have cataracts! Nothing needs doing for years yet. I spent too much money on new glasses as my prescription. Changed a lot in the last year. My mom’s coming over tomorrow to go through my finances and organize them. I pay them online so we’ll have to open apps and accounts. We’re going to try to make a budget. My main problem is manic spending and I hope the increased risperdal will fix it. At least my sleep is better.

sleeping well is the battle. you are victorious!
bizi

@Moose72
I had cataracts too and they rapidly got bad enough for cataract surgery. I had cataract surgery when I was 43 or 44, which is considered very young. My pdoc said it's possible Seroquel could have caused the cataracts to develop earlier than normal especially combined with my extreme myopia. I was SOO glad once I had the surgery, things that were supposed to be white, started looking white again instead of having a yellowish tint. Plus, I'd got to the point where they couldn't even correct my eyesight to passable for the DPS driving test when renewing my driver's license. And the implanted lenses corrected my nearsightedness so much, that I'm now slightly farsighted and can function daily, even drive without wearing my contact lenses. Thankfully, cataracts can't grow on the implanted lenses.

I've had more excitement than I hoped for this afternoon. I put my cat Midnight's blanket in the wash, forgot about it, started reading, and suddenly my daughter was like, "Why is there a huge puddle of water coming out from under the fridge?" She & I got towels, the water kept coming, I went into the garage for rag towels, and there's water everywhere, around the washing machine, under the large rug covering most of the garage floor (it's more a workroom, we don't park our cars there), daughter & I are running out of old rag towels. Of course, this would happen when H is at work and having a super long day b/c he has some dinner function to attend. I called H and luckily got him, he talked me thru turning off the valves in the kitchen & at the washing machine. That stopped all the water coming out, but it's everywhere now, and we have no more towels to dry it up. It's just a mess. H is hoping this will be something he can fix (he is pretty handy) but if not we'll have to call a plumber. Now, I need to calm down. That shot my anxiety & blood pressure sky high.

@Blueberrybook I had wondered if the invega gave me cataracts or even the risperdal but that’s probably too new. I’ve been on so many psych meds it could’ve been any one of them.

Watching Godzilla Minus One on Netflix with my friend. Feeling better than I did earlier, mostly because I did really well at work today. I feel accomplished and a little more at ease about this storm. It's actually heading back out to the Atlantic before it swings back to the Carolinas - and honestly, I don't even know what that means but sounds like good news either way.

It's been a calm day overall though - went out and got my thyroid medicine - two new upped doses to last two weeks each before going in for another blood test. I checked my insurance, I might consider Ozempic - I do have diabetes so the insurance will mostly cover it, I don't know, my weight loss journey has been so hopeless I am getting desperate.

Hope everyone has a good evening tonight and staying well. So sorry @Blueberrybook at your washing machine woes, it would cause me so much anxiety too. ((HUGS)) to you.

Getting ready for a really rainy night!

I'm so itchy right now that it hurts. Like my skin feels like its burning or something. Idk why. I don't see a rash.

Just came up from playing 500. We have such a good time. I do believe some of the folks here would give me a pass if I were to get manic. But it’s something I worry about. I do like the stability of my life. Slowly people are getting that I don’t particularly care to hear gossip and they leave me out of that. What gives me a kick though is that they think I’m a good card player! Ha ha. I’m just lucky.

It's not even 8 pm where I live and I'm already ready for bed. This makes me nervous since school starts tomorrow and the schedule for the first few days, despite being an early dismissal, is a very full schedule.

I got my car back today though! It turns out it was a blessing my battery died so I could get this water pump issue fixed before it completely went out, causing damage in the process.

This evening, I had a stretch where I felt the need to say every thought in my head (and did). It reminded me that, if I get to excited or excited about to many things at once, it can make me feel hypomanic. I relaxed a little bit after this so, hopefully, that will help things. I think I'm going to have to be very intentional about giving my brain some "turned off" time this school year, especially during the busier times of the year.

I guess I have a pretty big rash all over my back and chest. I had my mom look at it. I put some anti itch cream on it and I'll go to convenient care in the morning. I don't have a fever or a cough. Just the burning itching rash mainly. Hopefully its not a big deal.

I took a shower and it hurt real bad. I couldn't stay in it long and I was taking a cool shower. Now I'm in bed in loose shorts and a T shirt itching and in pain and nauseated. This kinda just went from 1 to 10 really fast. My mom says they will probably just tell me to take bendaryl.

@Mountaindewed

I would personally take benadryl RIGHT NOW and go to the ER and explain how you just had an increase in your Lamictal.

I'm going to go to immediate care in a couple hours. I slept for awhile but the rash is still there and its still painful



I just feel a bit unwell in general

I am SO fcking cynical and depressed and grumpy and irritable right now. I caved and bought an ecig and feel like a hopeless loser nicotine junkie. I'm furious at Husband for not taking me to see Sleep Token when they were playing in Chicago. In fact, I DESTROYED him about it yesterday. Daughter and I got into an ecig fight that escalated into her screaming at me, "I'M DISAPPOINTED IN YOU!!!!!" and me screaming back, "I DON'T FCKING CARE!!!!!" Ugh. Awful. We made up, but still.

I don't know what's wrong with me! I'm having PMS symptoms and my period is almost three weeks away! My sleep has also become erratic and I'm not having any sort of episode. I hate getting old. I hate having pre-menopausal symptoms. I HATE EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW. This is almost worse than going through puberty! Well, from what I can remember anyway. I'm emotional and moody and still crying about EVERYTHING. And my birthday is on Monday and I'm NOT happy.

😭 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭

Good morning, I slept really well. I'm almost ready to start my day. Just gotta drink my coffee first. Then I'm going to that new pharmacy my old one merged with to pick up my meds. It shouldn't take as long as I thought it would. It's still a bus ride but it's not a 20 min walk after the bus ride like I thought it was. It drops me off a 2-3 min walk away from the pharmacy. I still get nervous going to new places and taking different buses than I'm used to. Anything out of my routine makes me nervous.

Right now I'm listening to Concerning Hobbits from the Lord of the Rings soundtrack and enjoying my coffee. I want to learn to play that on the violin.

In other news I started practicing violin again, I was struggling with motivation for a few months and didn't touch it. But I finally practiced yesterday afternoon and am gonna practice again today. My goal is to do at least an hour of it a day. It feels good to be playing again, I missed it. I'll probably resume my lessons with my private instructor in October. Music makes me so happy. Right now I'm working on learning a couple of songs from the Legend of Zelda videogame series. My next big goal to work up to is Vivaldi's Concerto in A Minor. Then eventually some Lindsey Stirling stuff. Some other pieces I want to learn are the Pirates of The Carribeean song He's a Pirate, the Game of Thrones theme song, Zombie by the Cranberries, Sadness and Sorrow from the anime Naruto, Grief and Sorrow from the anime Naruto, the full Carol of the Bells song, Fur Elise by Beethoven, Concerning Hobbits from Lord of the Rings, Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana, and many other songs including a lot of celtic stuff and fiddle songs

Well turns out my psychiatrist is out sick so our appointment for tomorrow got moved to September 4th so I'm just gonna do the pharmacy tomorrow and instead cook some italian sausage and pasta in the crockpot since I have a lot of free time today then go to the pharmacy tomorrow when the rest of my meds get called in

Just in a state of agitation - just this storm is getting to me, I hate being alone here - I hate everything too @raspberrytorte - I know the feeling all too well. I really want to scream this morning. The battery backup got delayed and its supposed to arrive in the middle of this effing storm, I seriously have to start finding other companies to shop with OUTSIDE of Amazon - they are so big now they get to do whatever the heck they want - its beyond frustrating.

Trying to keep a positive mindset - just clocked in to work, going to try to get a lot done today too - I don't know what the outcome will be the next two days if I get flooded or lose power - I really hate this time of year and hate that I am directly in this storm's path.

@LadyShadow

I wish there was a room we could go into and just scream and smash an unlimited amount of melons against the walls and on the floor!!!!!! I'LL SCREAM WITH YOU!!!!!!

I went to immediate care. The NP said it just looks like I'm dealing with some virus that will clear up on its own. Idk. She seemed a bit taken aback once she saw my top scars and realized I'm trans. I think its my hemtracrit levels so I'm waiting until I hear back from my doctor about going for lab work. I feel just really blah right now.

I can't really get out of bed and I don't have a whole lot of energy. I'm exhausted.

Girllllllllll let me tell you, they have scream or anger rooms here @raspberrytorte - I forgot exactly what they are called, but you can go in there with a bat and smash everything in the room!! Like plates, chairs, boxes whatever - I know people who have done it, it looks fun!! LOL - we should try something like that!

iSMASH - Rage Rooms, Splatter Paint, and Axe Throwing