Bipolar Check-in #81

I had a really stressful day. I'm back home now and chilling, trying to recover.

It'll be another busy day tomorrow, too, but at least I can go to the gym.

I'm ok. eye of the hurricane shyt.

I had a meeting with a trainer. She has to see their orthopedic vet loose some weight and she might not be approved for mobility. I need to loose weight too. We shall see. My mom's all upset that she has to see another vet.

I spent the day talking with my Chicago friend and dealing with my period which was quite heavy this morning. (Needed a super tampon and a pad at the same time!) I’m glad it’s back after being gone since April. It had been monthly for like a year! I’m afraid of menopause you see.

I've been feeling depressed about how lazy and gluttonous i've been lately so i put on some music and danced! It was nice. I'm really weak. It's too hot to walk outside and our gym is not available due to repairs. I've been drinking cold water since my last binge several hours ago. Heading in the right direction!

man I overate tonight fried food and lots of it!

Watched an hours worth of the Olympics,men's swimming
(Back stroke and free style)and woman's bars and
other events. They all look great and super athletic
and professional.
made me tear up a couple of times!
bizi

]Na na na na, na na na na, Muddy’s world!

Alright. Alright. Y’all are right and I’m kinda out of my fking mind right now. I’m eating those gummy worms that made my day interesting and maybe if I ate them earlier today would have been better. But it’s better now.

I have soooo many ideas (well one really but it’s a good one) to stop climate change and make people have swagger, but these folk have fked it up and I don’t want to save their asses when I’ve got my own that needs a Nobel prize

Maintenance came to my classroom so I was able to get a little more set-up done today! Tomorrow, my classroom will become full with more stuff that I can't put away until maintenance completely finishes setting up my room though. So, it might not look the greatest for meet the teacher on Sunday.

Using birth control to help my mood symptoms continue to work very well for me but I think it's causing me to gain weight. I don't love this but, as long as it doesn't get to out of hand, I'll deal with it in order to stay stable. I have a follow up with the doctor who prescribed this med next week so I'll talk to her about this and other side effects then.

I went up on my lamictal and now I'm all itchy all over and I have some weird rash on my inner thigh but I'm not sure if its related. I really don't want to take Benadryl because that stuff messes up my anxiety. Idk. I'm kinda frustrated right now in general.

I love the Olympics. But when I go to TV on my roku it gets all messed up an my roku remote quits working. I have to put fresh batteries in it to work again. It gets me anxious bc the big bang theory on max helps me with anxiety. Without that show idk what to do. Anyway I went to the store with my friend again today and forgot triple a batteries. I really, really want to watch them.

So we had the conference call today to set boundaries and talk about my son becoming more independent. They basically said that we need to stop enabling him and that he shouldn't expect us to buy him things like shoes, clothes etc.

He agreed to it. I asked them about him getting some therapy. I couldn't hear what they said so I'm going to ask my sister. We'll after the conference call he called me very angry and said I don't agree the $100 is enough and wearing used shoes is gross same with used clothes. He said once the arraignment is over he wants to move to a different facility. I'm worried he's going to say fukk it and stay in motels and get introduced to harder drugs and basically become homeless bc then he'll get his whole check. I've talked to other ppl with a schizophrenic son or daughter that goes down that path. I just don't know what is going to happen to him.

My wound has gotten bigger. My friend helped me use a 2 layer wrap with the pad with the medicine in it. I think we did a good job. My friend is very kind.

BP wise I'm doing good. I get in trouble when I don't get enough sleep. I was on 40 mgs of doxepin for sleep and I've gotten it down by 20 mgs. I've also been able to cut the gabapentin down by 300mgs. But I think I'm having more pain in my back.

My sisters surgery is August 29th. 2 days after my birth day. I would dye if she doesn't make it through. I just can't lose another sister. And it's hard bc we are completely different ppl. But none of that matters when I might lose her! ⁹😪

I keep thinking I ****ed up. I wasn't able to articulate why I need a service dog and what tasks I need. Words are hard for me right now being my brain is mush and scattered. If I'm not able to explain myself to him how am I going to explain myself to strangers? I really wish I had a therapist. I see the Dr Monday and I need to explain what happened this past month. I hope he can help. I've been smoking at night since I got home. I can't deal with feeling stupid, anxious, like any moment my brain is going to turn on me and terrorize me. I'm not having as many sh thoughts. I'm learning that is my go to grounding technique. That I was probably psychotic through out my teen years. I really wish I had someone to talk to besides h.

Wow, so many people wrote that I can't reply back to all. Sorry for those of you going thru a tough time

@Manarinorange
Roku remotes absolutely just eat batteries! That is why I ordered a Roku rechargeable remote. It is much nicer though the last one I had stopped keeping the recharge cable in long enough to recharge. But I did get a good 6, 7 months out of it and just bought another new off ebay.

@MuddyBoots
Wow, sounds like you're really in deep now. Can you reach out to your T? Could you call your pdoc and ask to try one of the antipsychotics you haven't tried yet though I know you've tried most of them. But maybe you'll have luck. Sounds like you need to do something. When I get that manic, H carts me right off to the pysch ER. Though for me, psychosis follows mania that severe within a day or two. Take care of yourself.

I've had a busy morning. Took a walk/jog and shouldn't have gone as far as I did, but ugh, slowing down the exercise at this point feels impossible.

After a shower & breakfast, I had quite a lot of groceries delivered and put them away though I am afraid I overspent (sigh) But I plan to make a couple recipes that are a bit more complicated that I have made in the past and that my super picky family eats, and I needed a lot of groceries I didn't have to make them. I hope it's still not hypomania that after a year, I feel up to cooking fancier food to eat. Hopefully, I will still feel like cooking when the time comes to make them. I still have leftover 15 bean soup I cooked yesterday.

I also washed & folded a load of laundry and made H's lunch for work since he's going in today and not working from home.

I'm a bit tired now and think I will relax by watching more Bosch on Amazon. Though I am on the last season of it now I do think they have a couple of spinoff shows, so I'll try them next and then retry NCIS. I couldn't really get into it the first time around, but I didn't really watch enough episodes to be much invested in the characters.

I think I'm allergic to my prilosec. I only recently started taking it twice a day regularly. But I'm scratching like a dog everywhere and I have these bumps on me. I also have this real bad anxiety. Its like pre surgery type anxiety. I read Prilosec can cause massive anxiety. So I called my GI and left a message and told him what was up and I asked if I could go back on my pantropaloze.

At least I'm not allergic to any of my psych meds or my weekly shots. Just to some dumb OTC med.

My 2 year old niece likes to eat spoons of plain mustard. I seriously do not get kids.

I was watching archery on the olympics. Those folks looked a bit off. My mom said it was because they are in their backyard all day shooting arrows.

@Blueberrybook the thing is that it will last me a long time. That is if I don't switch to TV. That's when it quits working. But I really want to watch the Olympics, lol.

@Nammu have you ever tried doxepin or trazadone for sleep? I can't take ambien. I don't get sleep on it and just feel loopy and kind of drunk. I don't like the feeling.

Well I'm wide awake. I didn't get enough sleep. I'm drinking sleeytime tea hoping it will help. Sometimes it takes a couple hours to get tired again.

I'm going to go visit my sister who is having surgery tomorrow. It's hard to find a time to go visit bc she sleeps often. And you don't want to go when she's sleeping bc her dogs will wake her up. But I haven't visited like I should bc it's hard getting up her stairs so I need help. My niece Teresa is here so she can help. Even though she's my niece she's older than me bc my mom had me so late in life.

Orange, yes I had both, neither worked for me. I also tried seroquel which was horrible for me. I don’t get loopy from the ambien, my only side effect is falling asleep. Unfortunately I get used to the dosage. Thanks though.

I got pretty good sleep last night about 6 1/2 hours. But the dreams man! The orange one had taken over and it was a dystopian world, Bruce Willis was fighting for freedom and his girlfriend was captured and put into this room with electric wires, she had to stand, couldn’t lean, sit or lay down. Was like an intense thriller action movie!

I leave in about an hour for my doctors appointment. Don’t know what I’m hoping for, a miracle I think.

Really wanting to isolate this afternoon and not go anywhere, but I promised my daughter I'd take her to the library so she can do her weekly volunteer time; plus, I think she has a couple of holds there. I really wish H would do more driving with her, so she can finally get her license, but IDK, that will probably be a new worry, her driving on her own without H or me with her. Some Fridays, I do let daughter drive the car to the library with me, but that makes me SOO anxious. She has this tendency to drive far to the right of the lane, and there is a concrete wall on part of the way there & back, and ugh! We could take another route back without the wall, but it has more traffic AND the speed limit is 55 mph instead of 35 mph & 45 mph.

Some days though, I just don't feel like leaving the house or being around other people. Nothing bad about going to the library, and usually I read a lot at home too, and my library has created an eating/drinking area, so I usually bring a drink and sometimes a snack with me. Got some awesome, tasty baby carrots & grape tomatoes I eat with hummus and might bring that along today. My local grocery store makes the BEST hummus ever, short of more pricey Mediterrean restaurants.

Oh ugh I can't imagine him creeping into my dreams. Big hugs to you! Good luck at your Dr's appointment.

I wasted my time with my pdoc today ranting about those little I don’t even know what they’re called but they were popular with us 90’s and 00’s kids. Tree people. Rivers. She said I shouldn’t move right now because I’M the one FEARING ABANDONING OTHERS! And by others I mean Bo. But he’s a cell and I’m a cell and we both metabolize but my doc was preoccupied by jailbait. I swear he’s here and he’s watching me but he knows I said I knew so he’s being more discreet, and the pdoc was following me this morning too. I know why! It’s because they overheard my gene splicing idea. And I’ve figured out that we only perceive things because of kinetic energy. Of course, but I went through all the senses and made sense of photons being translated vs direct contact of atoms vs waves.

I don’t know why I waste time with treatment. Obv I’m on my own, just with those guys there’s an illusion of help. Waste. WASTE!!!!!!!!! I’ll start a successful Rock band and that’ll be my therapy like all the smart people.