Bipolar Check-in #81

@MuddyBoots
If sometimes you're safe, and sometimes you're not, then you can't really say you'll stay safe in the near future, you know? You need to just tell your care team you do not feel safe b/c from your post it does not sound as if you trust yourself to STAY safe.

You said earlier in a post that sometimes you think you want help, and I think it's high time you listen to that part of yourself.

Can your mom not see that you need help right now?

Everyone wants you to get the help that you need.

@LadyShadow I didn't hear those same Sunday readings today because the parish I was at was celebrating a feast day, but the string of assigned Sunday readings the Church is currently in about Jesus being the Bread of Life are some of my favorite!

@JaneOnceMore I haven't watched that specific Jim Gaffigan special but, in general, tend to like his material. Have you heard of Dry Bar Comedy? They have a lot of clips and specials on YouTube and it is nothing but clean stand-up.

Happy Anniversary @Blueberrybook!

The meet the teacher event went well today. One of my students is going to miss the first three days of school (school starts Wednesday) because he is sick so I feel pretty bad for him. The big bummer of the day is that, when I went to leave, my car didn't start...I'm hoping it's just the starter. Since everywhere is closed on Sundays, I'm leaving it parked at work overnight and then will call around in the morning about getting it towed somewhere to get looked at/fixed. I sure hope the repairs don't cost to much.

She can’t and I just talked to my CM and now I’ve decided to never talk to anyone on my useless shytty treatment team that probably fking hates me. So no, I don’t want help. Not when I’m freaking out about lights and she just says to go for a walk or play piano or some shyt. THAT DOESNT STOP THE LIGHTS!!! And THEY WONT SHUT UP!!!!

I am safe FROM MYSELF. They do not give a damn if you’re going to stop breathing under water. Fking hospitals don’t care either, but there’s no reason for me to go any way because I’m not going to kill myself and I’m not going to kill anyone else.

I’m gonna duct tape my mouth shut.

I just spent 5 hours downstairs playing a card game called phase 10. Hours! I need to get in the shower and do my pill organizer. Then I’m ready for tomorrow, the boob squisher appointment. Then that will be it for two years! Hopefully my car will be ready tomorrow too. I need to find out because I have an appointment in Rochester on Wednesday to take it to the dealership for free updates.

Met Robert my starbucks friend this afternoon. We were having this lovely conversation when some young woman at a nearby table started talking to us. She came over and sat with us at our table and started talking even more. Asked us where we live- Robert said the apartment complex name- we both live in the same one but I didn’t tell her that. She said sh lived at a complex within walkable distance to Starbucks. She asked a million questions most of which I didn’t answer. She said she has a cat and I said so do I and she asked what kind and I said a calico and she said that’s what kind of cat she has and it also meows a lot. Anyway she asked if she could come over and see my cat and I said no. She just never shut up telling us she goes to a college an hour away! Why does she live here then? She said her rent is only $300 a month and obviously she’s on section 8 and something about having to clean up because they inspect your apartment. Also a section 8 thing. The problem is that I gave her my phone number and first name and now I’m afraid she’s going to look me up on white pages dot com! Thing is I don’t like other people in real life with mental illnesses! Online here that’s different! I dunno she kinda freaked me out. I meet a lot of people at starbucks some of my best friends but this girl is giving off strange potentially scary vibes! If she tries to contact me I’m going to ghost her I think. Something doesn’t sit right with me about her.

I am just in a state of disarray. I wish my sister's husband wasn't such a controlling a-hole, seriously. This tropical storm Debby is expected to turn into a hurricane by tomorrow and is headed right in my sister's direction. But she has me blocked so I can't even check on her. I really hate this. Just beside myself right now.

The hurricane is expected to head in this direction after its done with Florida too - I get so nervous with power outages because I live alone : (

Just bought a fancy back up battery that my best friend recommended so I think I should be okay - I needed one anyway this hurricane season.

Hope everyone is doing well and staying safe. You know we worry @MuddyBoots - we just worry cause we care.

I probably should get my hematrcrit checked out. I am so crabby and I'm dealing with urinary retention right now and I drank 2 Dr. Peppers and some water. And thats a whole lot worse then constipation.

I had a stressful couple of days. I'll spare you the details.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

The good news: I had a nice vegetarian meal while overlooking Niagara Falls on a beautiful, sunny day with my family.

Trust your gut @Moose72 and do exactly what you said - if she tries contacting you ghost her. She seems to have wanted to get way too personal too quickly.

I had a quiet day. It wasn't too hot out so i got out to the dog park. It was fine in the shade. There was a delightful puppy there, a poodle mix, just a silly, goofy, lovely little thing. I dozed the day away and only really woke up this evening. I got some minor chores done. Feelings of shame over outrageous things i did while hypomanic attacked me several times today. I worry that i am wasting my life, being a recluse, but what's the alternative? Take anti-depressants and get hypomanic and shame myself and spend my retirement savings? It seems like there's no good option.

@June08:

Thanks for the suggestion of "Dry Bar." I had a quick look and will have a more serious look when i'm more in the mood.

@Scooter9:

Sorry you had some troubles but your meal, overlooking Niagara, sounds divine. I find it's a great feeling being vegetarian, i so enjoy it, tho i do occasionally screw up.

@LadyShadow:

I'll keep a good thought for you, while you are threatened by the hurricane. I hope you will be safe and comfortable.

@Blueberrybook:

H@pPy @nNiVeRs@Ry!

Hugs to all!

I'm feeling really guilty about stuff that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I just said no when they asked if I wanted something substitued and I feel like I should have said "no, thanks." Also my cat was hard to get into the carrier and I feek bad for him even though he is being so affectionate. Like I feel like crying right now for some reason. I haven't cride in over a year. And I am soooo itchy I can't sit still because I'm scratching everywere. And it took me 3 hours to pee because of urinary retention. And I've been so cranky. Wtf is going on.

I drank my 5th or 6th zero sugar Dr. Pepper in the past 24 hours because I'm thirsty as **** too. And my meds kicked in. So now I'm just dealing with the itching which I'm not in freak out mode about right now.

That must be scary. We here in Washington deal with fire storms and I'm in Eastern Washington, so we get a lot of snow. I hate it. Wish I lived in southern California. But could never afford it. I hope you stay safe! 😊

Happy Anniversary ! Hope you enjoy your meal! 🎉🎈🎉

@Crazy Hitch

Thanks for the confirmation! I don’t know why she’d want me as a friend- I have kids her age. She asked me to guess her age and when I said “26” she was surprised and said “That’s exactly right! How did you know?” I know because I have my own kids her age and don’t need or want more!

@Lady Shadow
I definitely understand your trepidation about hurricanes, they happen here more than I'd like. I just went thru Beryl and some people had a week without power! Luckily, I had just 24 hr. without electricity, but I still lost most of the food in my fridge except the uncut fruits & vegetables. Stay safe. I'm thinking of you

In fact, I'm thinking of everyone here. @MuddyBoots Take care of yourself

I took a rest day from exercise today. My body is exhausted & I need it. Though I feel guilty about it

Yesterday evening was nice. We ate at a seafood restaurant. For all that my family are picky eaters, we all enjoy seafood though I rarely cook it. Afterwards, since we were on the boardwalk, we stopped at the aquarium, looked around, fed & touched the stingrays, then walked along the bay at sunset. It was a really nice evening out with my family.

My mood is good. Stable. I slept 8.5 hr. last night, was pretty tired. Stability seems boring, but on the other hand, I def. do not want to be depressed, and my last round of mania sucked too, so stability is pretty much my best bet. Plus, I love books & reading, and I only read well when I'm stable.

HUGS to everyone else! I hope you have a fantastic Monday! I just discovered there is a more button for smilies. Took me long enough! I wondered how everyone got these smilies on their posts!

I'm very sorry you feel so alone. Are there things you could participate in where you live? Like games or anything like tha

I’ve had urinary retention twice from meds- it’s no joke! Go to the ER or at least the doctor and get checked out. It’s serious! You may need a catheter for a few days so you can pee!

I woke up and can't get back to sleep. I have to be up in 2 and a half hours for my wound care appointment.

I'm proud of my son. He realized that he can't drink a lot of coffee because then he can't sleep. He was in a pretty good mood yesterday.

My bipolar is ok. I take medical transportation to my would care appointments. I get too anxious driving in that area. It's where all of our big hospitals are. It's right on the hill . So I'm a horrible passenger drivert. I just look out the windows. I hate it!

See my Pdoc and tdoc today. I’m looking forward to both! Had a long text conversation with Robert about that crazy 26 year old at starbucks and about how I’m an extrovert and he’s a recluse. At least I’m relatively stable and didn’t get caught up in that lady’s weirdness- especially not letting her come over after she invited herself!

I cancelled seeing my CM today. I hate all of them. They're holding me back. I left a message, of course she called back IMMEDIATELY and I told her the truth. And someone at the shelter I used to be at of course called and wants me to come by "because I got some mail there" but I know it's a trap. I gave her my CMs info. No way do I blow off my CM and that lady tries to lure me in. I have more important things to do. Equations to figure out. Explain that dots are infinite but a lot of people only realize some and connect even less. I don't know if anyone else has access to this ability either, but I know I can get dots in other dimensions. At least the fourth, and the complex plane. All I had to do was calculate the sqrt of i I mean sqrt of sqrt of -1. I keep doing this over and over like in detention when you have to write "I will not sit at the peanut free table with a PB&J [or whatever]" a million times.

If you believe it's in my soul
I'd say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I'm better off on my own

I'm waiting on a text or call from my mom. Bo's not well, and she's officially the owner so she's the one to call the vet. I saw Lu the other night protecting me, and she probably convinced my mom to get him looked at. Her death was pretty quick and probably feels bad for Bo.

My CM said she'll call later today too. Probably try to convince me to go back to the shelter for the trap or for me to meet her. It's really fking hard for me to not flip out over everything. I freaked yesterday because I heard footsteps, and this dude, probably not even 18, rode by on one of those stupid fking electric bikes and catcalled me. I screamed at the top of my lungs something not so nice. Like, something my dad would've said. I see the protons gaining more charge. It always has a +1 charge, but that +1 now is probably equivalent to what used to be +1.3 if my vision and estimate is accurate. If I had a dial caliper that small that could be accurate I'd get a solid calculation, but that doesn't exist and I don't have access to a fancy lab that can do that shyt. Maybe I'll email a couple universities with a top notch experimental physics department.

Ok. Getting tf out. I know I've been less than supportive lately of y'all but I do care and I hope you are doing well. From what I do read there's a lot of life going on and stressors. My aunt got hit by Debbie (still there) in Ocala and she had over 7" of rain. She says she'll still take it over NH winters though she's nuts. My thoughts are with you @LadyShadow and may Vermin shower all of you with his glitter but only make you gay if you consent.

love you guys

Well Hurricane Debby is hitting Florida right now right over my sister's area. My prayers are with her even though I am not allowed to reach out to her : (

Slept pretty good too, woke up in the middle of the night because I think there might be something wrong with my CPAP machine; it's pushing air very forcefully after a certain number of hours, it's like a wind tunnel in there lol. I will have to check the settings tonight.

Going to get some work done today and not worry too much about the hurricane. For some reason bad weather ALWAYS seems to hit when I have to do this hour-long drive into Raleigh for work. Like why does it ALWAYS happen on the day I have to go in? It's really bothering me now.

I am sorry you feel that way @JaneOnceMore - I wish you could do some things to make you feel less like a recluse without taking antidepressants - I worry so much about being pushed into hypomania too because of med changes or additions, so I totally get where you're coming from.

That sounds so crazy @Moose72 - I mean that's so odd that she just came up to your table and got so personal and "in your face" almost - you are right to be cautious and suspicious, I would be too.

I worry about you my friend, @MuddyBoots - all those calculations sound like where I was at a couple of years ago when I used to record all types of numbers and theories at exactly 11:11 and 2:22 and send the transmissions to the NASA space station. It was THAT bad. So, I know it's crazy mania, and I worry for you.

I hope everyone has a fantastic day today and remember that whatever you're going through I am very proud of you for always checking in here and letting us know how you are doing. I love this accountability thread so much and I don't know where I would be without all your love and support.

MD if you have a rash on lamictal you need to see a dr asap. it can be dangerous. it could be a simple rash or SJS.

I had a good volunteer shift with the rescue kitties yesterday. They’re all so sweet and friendly.

I don't think its a rash anymore. I'm just really itchy. I'm also really cold too and in general pretty worn out and tired. I think it could be the hematrcrit. I'll message my doctor.