Bipolar Check-in #81

I hope those of you having sleep difficulties sleep well tonight. I know how frustrating it is when you can't sleep. I have had sleep difficulties my entire life that I can remember; without Seroquel & trazodone, I'd be struggling most every single night to fall asleep.

I spent the entire day binge-watching TV. Hopefully, I can get my mind to focus on cooking dinner soon (though I absolutely HATE cooking!).

I probably shouldve gone with decaf at DD today at least I got a small. That s'mores syrup isn't good, but maybe it'd be better with creamer. Wouldn't try it again. Honestly the only good flavoring they have is the mocha and I only like that hot w/creamer and I hate getting creamer because ED fights me for it.

I did get a lot of my energy out stacking wood just now though. I was pretty active today, did a few laps at the park (some of it running, including sprinting from my car before I left to some place I could pee ), walked to DD and back from there, stacked quite a bit of wood, just overall got more sunshine than usual. I'm actually feeling pretty good right now, much calmer than usual. Maybe I'll try reading an actual book!

Oh, and Bo died. I'm not really grieving or anything about it. I've actually been kinda waiting for it for a while and mad at my mom for not putting him down a while ago when he had practically no quality of life and could barely function. I cried more watching that than after finding out. I actually have barely cried after finding out. Like when Lu died and with watching the deterioration I did the grieving and acceptance before it actually happened.

My neighbor has some mental health issues as well (similar to me with the lashing out/irritability stuff, her mom told me she has depression but I wonder if there's some mania or manic-like traits in her depression stuff as well) and she's flipping out down the road right now. I bet other people think it's great when we're both the angry symptomatic at the same time.

I'm still working on my writing mostly mental health experiences but putting some perspectives/philosophies I've gained from the experiences that I probably would not have had without the psych probs and treatments and people I've met in treatments. I usually work on it at the library though it's a bit chaotic there. It's like the only place only homeless folks can really be especially on cold/hot days, and it's good they have that, but there's a lot of interesting happenings there because of people not really being there for library purposes.

I know this is too much but I swear it was much longer.

@MuddyBoots
I'm so sorry about Bo. I know the grieving process definitely can happen over time like that. I experienced grief that way when my grandfather died of Alzheimers and again when my other grandfather died slowly of terminal cancer. (((HUGS)))

@MuddyBoots So sorry about Bo. Losing pets is so hard, even when expected.

Muddyboots, what rainbow said. I couldn’t organize my words to write that, but that’s what I wanted to say. I’m sorry about Bo.

Yeah, it's hard, but I'd rather him not be suffering and, if there is a heaven, hanging out with his nephew he lived with (and had a lot of fun fighting with) and his sister and mother. I hardly ever saw him around these past few months anyways. Pretty much spent all the warm weather days on the porch passed out, and a lot of the times he'd be breathing so slowly and barely moving his body up and down that I'd have to get close to him to see if he were still alive. Maybe it'll hit me harder later on. I did make some jokes to my aunt about him almost being drinking age and just missing having a shot of "whiskery." Jokes and thinking/talking about him not being in pain anymore and maybe bossing his nephew around now is keeping any ounce of pain away. It was also the first pet loss I've had where I wasn't there dealing with it alone (I wasn't even there the day he died, but when I came back and kinda got hit with "hey, there's no screaming." it was a bit of a relief honestly although I did feel guilty because my mom was alone and I know how much worse it is alone when I've done it with three of my other pets)

I don't know how many people are as lax as I am about death though. I just have some perspectives on it from past experiences, but probably because everyone I've seen die was either completely ready to go from old age or was a zombie from drug use already. Maybe an aunt committing suicide when I was 5 had something to do with it too, and not really being told other than "hey, used to see her, now I don't." and no one really making a big deal out of it.

@MuddyBoots I'm also sorry about Bo.


All in all, this weekend was a good one, especially today. Due to fatigue, I didn't get as much done as I wanted to yesterday, but I still have time to return the things I need to/wanted to. I'm not sure how I'm going to get through a full week of work though because, POTS wise, I haven't recovered from three half days of teaching last week.

Returning to work has helped my mental health in some ways, but it triggering my POTS symptoms is also causing some depression symptoms. Last night, I also realized at least one of the reasons I was feeling a little moody is because needing to ask for help when my car broke down triggered some childhood wound stuff. I conveniently have counseling on Wednesday (if I feel well enough to go) so I can always unpack this more then.

Thank you! I had my period where I didn't believe much too. Now, on the other hand, I think that my belief in God is the reason for trying again and again and again. I feel I owe him so since he created me. God is my reason for not giving in.

We've got reviewers at our school from the department of education today and tomorrow. I narrowly avoided them entering any of my classes today. I REALLY hope that they don't observe my Period 1 class tomorrow. I would rather die a million deaths than have them walk into that. Honestly. II just can't. I've even considered taking the day off tomorrow and pulling a sickie...I don't know what I'll do.

Anxiety through the roof!

@MuddyBoots, sorry for the loss of Bo.

@June08, yes to have a job to go to can be beneficial for MI, but also a struggle at times.

Maybe that is wise (taking the day off) and that it will help to get your anxiety down.

If they walk into Period 1 perhaps they'll just be impressed by how you are handling a very difficult situation.


Regardless, I hope it goes well and they come in with an easy class. But just don't think of the bad one as doom.

NO SLEEP 'TIL

dun dun...dun...duuuuunnn

(Actually I really don't know. I generally struggle with fatigue but I ate a banana so if I keep eating bananas maybe I'll never have to sleep again! My pdoc doesn't like that idea though. Something about sleep causing fluid to mop the goop up.)

I'm kind of an asshole. A loving asshole, but an asshole.

@MuddyBoots
Sorry about your sleep. Sometimes drinking a glass of milk helps me sleep, but that is usually only when I have restless legs, which I get occasionally. Have you tried any meds for sleep?

So far, I'm still stable, no suicidal ideations. I am so afraid I'll get depressed b/c for me depression usually follows mania, and my last round of depression was so bad that



I did my walk/jog this morning and am super sweaty. I have groceries being delivered soon, so I need to hurry up and get my shower.

@MuddyBoots, nobody is an asshole forever.


@Blueberrybook, good to hear that you have no SI thoughts. Hope it stays that way!

I think I am ready to step into my routines again tomorrow morning. I have followed my plans for today; done decluttering, filled the dishwasher, shifted bed cloth, vacuumed the bedroom and I have eaten my spring rolls. For now, I am going to have a cup of coffee and relax.

Many here know about my attraction to CBT. I think I overgeneralized and saw the problems as bigger than they were.

Hopefully, what I did yesterday and today will bring me back on my ordinary track. To me routines are alpha and omega, as you know, when it comes to taking care of my wellbeing and total health.

May you all be well enough to feel that your lives, some way or other, are good, even if it is only for moments at the time.

@Rosi700
Wow, you have been busy today! I have my routines in the morning, but I am pretty OCD about it in that if it gets interrupted or done in another order, I get really anxious, and it sucks. I need to get some routine in for the rest of the day other than folding clothes and cooking meals and taking care of the cats.

I’m having a hard time waking up. I took two ambien and slept great. Very nostalgic dreams of the cabin up north. Just always out of my reach. Yet I was able to drive though one. See the past.

Just love being able to sleep!

My red blood count is high. According to Dr. Google that can cause my itchiness and fatigue and irritability and stuff. Idk if my doctor will take it seriously though. Maybe the fact I went into immediate care covered in a rash last week will help.

Stomach wise I'm doing fine but I keep feeling this tearing feeling in my lower stomach where my malrotated thing is. It happens when I lean over. I see my GI on the 15th. I don't feel nauseated though.

Mood and anxiety wise I've been fine.

Late start today, symptoms are very minimal, first night of sleep without Lithium last night and felt pretty good. Going to get some work done today as best as I can, just in a very strange place today - I feel like there is so much to do that I can't get done. I also realize that I have to work a lot of extra hours this month because I think I want to surprise my dad with a new computer for his birthday next month - I think he would really appreciate it.

Good seeing everyone, I am so sorry about Bo @MuddyBoots - that's why I am so scared of getting a pet I think, just the inevitability of them passing would be so hard.