Bipolar Check-in #82

Good morning threadies

I’m up early to text my daughter and see if she needs a ride to urgent care. Strange dream s last night, can’t remember them but I woke up several times, thinking what strange dreams these were.

Seems to be a nice day out.

@Nammu
I hope your daughter starts getting better soon. That is awful about her insurance company. I really hate dealing with the insurance company; you continuously get people reading off scripts, transferring you to robo menus without your needs addressed and more people who can't help you and it just goes in circles. It' s a nightmare.

So many of you have posted, I can't keep up! @HALLIEBETH87, I hope you can get the help you need, that could be a mixed episode or your mania getting a lot worse (my last manic episode was NOT fun at all - lots of irritability, strained relationships with my H and daughter, anger, tiredness but no sleep, lack of attention - nothing fun at all about it!)

@Blue_Bird
I am so sorry about your lack of sleep. I don't function well on little sleep either, and I HATE it when I can't sleep. When do you see your pdoc next? Are you on anything to help you sleep?

@victorias'mom
So sorry about your best pdoc leaving. When my best pdoc retired, it was very hard on me. My new pdoc is very good (well he's not that new, I've been seeing him since 2018) but he is still far from being exceptional the way my old pdoc was.

Everyone else is in my thoughts. I hope those of you struggling with sleep are able to nap today or sleep better tonight, and hugs to everyone dealing with depression & anxiety.

My life is pretty boring to report these days - solid 8 hr. sleep last night, morning exercise, shower, breakfast, just finishing my coffee. My anxiety is low right now, and I hope it stays that way. Yesterday I had high anxiety/panic attacks most of the day and couldn't concentrate well to read which really sucked.

Hey guys,

Yesterday was SO horrible. I mean I got incredible news that I am going to be offered a job at a CPA firm I was referred to, and it will change everything for me, BUT the guy who helped me get it is worried about the background check. GOD I am too, am I ever. Guys, I am SO mad. I know I should have forgiveness, but why did I have to carry these horrible charges, (GOD MY CHARGES ARE SO HORRIBLE), and my ex-husband's were dropped? Why did they send him to a psych hospital after jail and me to a rehab? From the hospital they found him incompetent, but you know, I was definitely not in my right mind either when all this happened. I am just SO MAD that all his charges were dropped, and I have to carry all of this - I just had a horrible time yesterday, because this is the first opportunity I have had in a long time to get back the career I once had. I feel so awful.

So, I went and visited my church when it was empty yesterday afternoon, and asked God to help me. I met with my church friend for our first lesson of our faith, and as I am on this journey to join the church officially, I am feeling better about things. Opportunities come and go, and if this was meant for me it will happen, despite all the unfairness attached to it. The good news through all of this is I decided to reach out to my little sister, (who I thought had me blocked but I forgot I have a new number now), and just let her know how much I missed her and loved her. The message came back "read" so I know she got it. Whether or not she answers, I don't care, just happy that I am not blocked, but that might change should her husband find out I reached out, ugh. He hates me.

Other than all that, I am functioning, working on that huge car payment I owe, it just all hurts so much. I hate my ex I do, but I know I can't carry that like I am, but it's so hard not to hate him. My whole life was ruined, and I lost so much. I guess I just have to be grateful for my blessings now, and not let the past destroy my mood in the present.

@Nammu so sorry this is still going on with your daughter. Is it possible for emergency Medicaid or something? @Blue_Bird - so sorry that you have been having a hard time sleeping - I still think you should try the Melatonin, it may relax you. @Blueberrybook - I am sorry the anxiety is so high, don't feel bad about the driving thing, I would feel really bad if I had kids and they wanted to go somewhere at night and I just CAN'T see at night, so I get it. @Rosi700 - I hope you got everything you needed to get done, you are in my prayers. @raspberrytorte - so sorry about all the itchiness and fleas, I wish there was a way they would all just go away. @Crazy Hitch - so sorry about what those 8th graders have been affecting you, I hope you hear back from the work comp or disability people soon. Hugs to those who need it, I'm just trying to stay positive today.

I’m on Thorazine to help me sleep, I didn’t go to sleep last night because I didn’t take my night meds and thought it’d be a good idea to stay up all night only to feel horrible halfway through the night but it being too late to go to sleep regardless of being tired because I have to be up early today and if I went to sleep I wouldn’t wake up so I stayed up

It’s not that I can’t sleep, I can. I just made a stupid decision to skip my meds and stay up

I have a bad habit of pulling all nighters because I convince myself I can get more done that way without sleeping

Thanks guys. She has an appointment in yet another city. I have to drive 30 minutes to pick her up then 50 minutes to take her to the closes same day clinic that has an opening. They are all Mayo Clinic but the ones in the two closets towns are full. Must be something going around?

Blue bird 🐦 I used to do that too. It was a complex logic that I used to justify skipping my night meds to stay up. It never worked out well, but I did it for years before I wised up. So I understand.

Yes @Blue_Bird - like @Nammu said I did the same thing too for a long time - sometimes I still do if I stay up WAY too late, I skip my meds because I think I can push through but it never works out.

Guys I just feel so mad and defeated -

I feel good today. I got these new $10 pillows a couple weeks ago and I've been sleeping good since.

I started my new shots today. I was kinda nervous but my mom was all like "I'll walk you through it." I didn't even feel the needle go in. It was so thin and I'm flabby lol. When I was pushing the needle in furthur I stilll didn't feel anything. My mom said I took it out at an angle but that it was ok. It was easier then the autoinjectors. I can't even tell now where the needle was.

I don't really have any plans for today. I'm waiting on some protein powder and I'm going to watch the thing tonight.

I’m too tired to respond to everyone individually in detail but hugs to everyone

And yes I definitely need to stop this skipping my meds and staying up all night. It’s way too common of an occurrence for me. Happens once or twice a week every single week for years

I think when I was working part time it really threw me off and I just started sacrificing sleep cause retail hours were so bizarre and varying and unpredictable. Back to back shifts sometimes. No routine schedule. So I started pulling all nighters to have more time to myself because I felt exhausted from work and like I had no time to myself. And it eventually became a bad habit that I still do even though I no longer work.

Especially any time I have something going on that I have to do the next day like an appointment or something important and it’s early, I just think to myself well might as well not sleep then so I don’t oversleep, one night isn’t so bad I think to myself. But it is always so bad and I always regret it and feel like garbage and I keep doing it over and over again. I haven’t had a week a full week in like a year where I haven’t gone atleast 36 hours without sleep at least once during the week. I never seem to get out of the logic where I convince myself “ stay up for 38 hours and get even more done, have fun, do stuff, be ultra productive!” It’s always so tempting. What a weird habit to have.

Thank you for your prayers! And yes, I think that the best to do is to count one's blessings. Life becomes too hard otherwise.

I hope that you soon get the sleep you need!

I have turned the "coin". After I wrote here in despair, I have been to a restaurant for dinner and bought my groceries. For now, I am resting at home with a cup of coffee and some cakes.After that, I will put the dishwasher to work and start to do my studies for today


Sometimes it is so easy to break a pattern. I think that often patterns become patterns because we let them. I know that some here use CBT and using that helped me.


1) Urge, benzo - take benzo - urge is away.
2)Urge, benzo - do something else - urge is away.


So easy and so difficult I use the STOPP app
STOPP app - Apps on Google Play

You can get it on Apple as well!

@LadyShadow
I'm so sorry for your bad day yesterday. It's wonderful you were able to turn things around and put it in God's hands. I don't attend church that often, and I have to work hard at putting the negatives life throws at you in positives and to give up my worries to the Lord. It's always a work in progress.

I'm having a much better day today. I talked to both my youngest sister and my mom on the phone, and I haven't talked to them in FOREVER. My 2 sisters are my best friends, so it's always nice to touch base with them, and things with my mom went well (on occasion, they will not).

My reading has been fantastic today, very good focus and internal imagery, the way I really, really love reading to be.

Edited:
OMG, I'm feeling such RELIEF right now. There was a knock on the door, and it was my mechanic, bringing my car back (brought it in yesterday), and he got it to pass emissions to renew the registration inspection sticker which had been causing me extreme anxiety lately. I went online and finished forking over my $75 to finish the renewal online, and everything went through just fine. Thank God!

Laying here feeling like a zombie waiting till it’s time to take my night meds so I can sleep. The annoying thing is even though I haven’t slept in well over 32 hours I can’t take a nap because my body for some reason refuses to let me despite how exhausted I am. Something about it being daytime, I can never really sleep in the day unless it’s a nap very early in the morning. It’s 3:30pm now so I just have to wait till I can take my night meds around 7pm. Then wait a couple hours for them to kick in. This day is dragging by painfully slowly. I looked at one of my posts from exactly a month ago when I had my last apartment inspection and I did the exact same thing. Stayed up all night before it because they stress me out. So this is a pattern that has to stop. I have to prioritize sleep above all else. My goal is to make it an entire month with no nights where I skip sleep.

Speaking of which on Thursday and Friday I have two early morning appointments. I might have to reschedule them because I don’t think I can rest well before them and get up on time. I’m gonna have to start making my appointments for a little later in the day so I can sleep without being anxious the night before and that causing me to decide to pull an all nighter.

I rescheduled my psychiatrist appointment to get an afternoon appointment. The soonest they had available to reschedule my September 13th appointment was October 15th so I took that. It’s not a big deal though because I’m stable and he will refill my meds in the meantime. Also requested a reschedule of my therapy appointment so waiting on her to get back to me with a new date and time. So my schedules clear for the rest of the week. I can sleep in everyday. The only thing I have going on is my volunteer job on Thursday but that’s from 6pm to 8pm.

My daughter had an online appointment but they told her she needed to be seen in person. So this morning she called. Nother in her town, nothing in my town but there was an appointment north of here. Ugh, that meant driving on the interstate with all the semis. Couldn’t believe the traffic for a non-rush hour time and middle of the week. Got there and they wanted her to go to ER. She’s had a bad headache and blurred vision. Her fever went down, with Tylenol it’s only 100. But her husband comes home tonight and if her headache is still bad despite the shot they gave her and the meds she might go tonight. She can’t sleep either. Man the healthcare is so broken in America

Been having lip puckering and tongue movements all day. Ingrezza should be preventing this! Case manager just said to call if it gets worse or spreads to other parts of my body.

@Moose72
Sorry about the lip puckering/tongue movements thing. I hope it doesn't get worse for you. I have tongue movements and mouth twitches on Seroquel, but luckily for me that's as bad as it's gotten, but yeah, the tongue movements I have are pretty much constant, the twitches every 20-30 sec, but I've taken Seroquel for most of the past 10-15 yrs, I don't really pay much attention to it now. The mouth twitches are minor, so that if you're not really looking for it you might not notice. There have been periods I've been off Seroquel, and the tongue & mouth movements have gone away. I don't really love it but since Seroquel seems to work best for my manic symptoms (and not to mention sleep), I put up with it. At this point, I'm so used to it, I don't notice it most of the time.

I hope things keep manageable/tolerable for you. Has the Vraylar helped your hypomania any?

@Nammu
Your poor daughter! I hope the medication she got today helps her and that she doesn't have to go to the ER. Is she still having problems with the insurance?