Bipolar Check-in #82

@JaneOnceMore I don't know if buildings bigger than houses have these but my mom's house (next door) has a sewer gas vent thing on the roof that spins around. It has gotten rusty and squeaks frequently. It drives me crazy and she can't hear it (hearing loss). It also bothers my nieces when they are here. I wonder if it is something like that? My noise is sometimes there and sometimes not. I'm not a dog but I would want far away from it to pee .

@Blueberrybook Sorry to hear about your grandma.

@LadyShadow congrats on the new job!

Nothing much to report today. These last few days, I've really been feeling the weight of the reality that I could end up needing IV fluid infusions for the rest of my life. I'm only in my 30s so that could be a lot of pokes. I guess I'm more just feeling the weight that comes with realizing different things about what a chronic illness entails, including the life long part. And, as some of you have maybe felt when it comes to mental health diagnoses as well, there is something very lonely to me about being sick in a way that no one can physically see so they do not really understand.

I've also decided I'm going to at least pause the birth control so I can (hopefully) get a break from depression.

I may not be able to hear a chirp but I appreciate that it drives people insane. Neither mum or I could hear high pitched noises but if someone came over and one of the smoke detectors was chirping they couldn’t hold a conversation until we found which detector was chirping and changed the batteries. I simply substituted blinking lights and could relate. You’re not wearing anybody down. It would drive me battery especially if it affected my pet.

Believe it or not @JaneOnceMore I hear a very faint chirp in my apartment late at night, and I have NO idea where it is coming from - it sounds like a neighbor right next to me can care less about their chirps because it isn't coming from the smoke alarms in my house. I don't know who in their right mind can live with that, but I definitely hear it when it's really quiet and it really bugs me.

Today was tough - I didn't work today or yesterday because of the many things I have been overwhelmed with, and it's not good for my budget this month. I am just exhausted. I have some bad energy around me that I can feel, and I am extra cranky because of lack of sleep this week.

It's so good to see everyone - @Blueberrybook - that pipeline things sounds really bad; I hope that all gets taken care of soon - @Nammu - I really despise the direction Star Trek has gone from the days that I watched it - it feels like everything I loved growing up is turning into some crazy dark rebooted thing now.

Thanks so much everyone for the congratulations - I just want to make a difference after living a life of so much darkness.

So I’m booked off work for a MONTH!!!!!

Nothing but positive happy vibes coming from me for the next 4 weeks.

I’m not even going to focus on going back to work. It’s too much. Yuck.

Thinking of getting my nails done tomorrow …

So glad for you @Crazy Hitch !!!

Also so glad for you @Lady Shadow ! Congratulations and sorry I'm late!

Well, I'm trying to be good with this moving thing but I'm clearly rattled. It's 3:40 and I'm wide awake despite having taken PRN Seroquel and gabapentin (twice). I have found things that are good about my new town. It has Planet Fitness which I'll be glad to use. They have a drop in center that looks really good. There's a program to provide photography lessons to the mentally ill. NAMI is active and does some neat things. I've found some churches I'm interested in. I could take Pilates with my sister (maybe; I have a wobbly ankle and might harm myself grievously doing that). There's a CVS which is good since my insurance is pretty attached to CVS. Maybe this one will be better at communicating with my doctor's office than the one here. Due to having had a huge psych hospital there are more mentally people in this town and I might not be the only one they have on clozaril.


I really need to see the house. I think I'm going to ask my mom if we can plan to do that this weekend maybe. I think I'll feel more settled when I have seen it for real and not with the weird photography angles realtors use.

I'm sorry for posting so much about this. I just never thought this would actually happen. Now we need a person who wants a rental or a studio or something like my mom and I have to buy this property. It won't go on the market for a while yet. We're going to wait and list it empty. Thank God for that. I can't imagine having to be ready to leave the house with an hour's notice over and over.

Maybe I can read now. Maybe that would get me to sleep. I've not even tried because I've been so agitated my heartrate is up and reading isn't going to calm me more. Even my cat can tell I'm upset; she is cuddling with me in a way she only does when I'm not sleeping.

Good morning. Not much planned today, aside from practicing ukulele and violin. Just drinking some black tea right now for the caffeine since I ran out of coffee. Gonna watch some movies today.

@BeyondtheRainbow
I hope you can see the house soon, maybe that will help you settle? I know we were contemplating moving when H first got his job as a professor b/c the commute is 1.5 hr each way for him, but luckily he can work 2-3 days a week from home, so that helps things, but when we were looking at houses & thinking of putting our home up for sale, it really unsettled me, especially the thought of having to leave my pdoc and familiar surroundings, but it sounds like there are a ton of good new things in the area you will move to and being closer to your family should be a good positive, I hope?

I'm still stable, my grandmother seems to be doing somewhat better though she's still in the hospital with a leg wound that has gotten infected and is the cause of her fever. I think some wound specialist came by yesterday, but my mom hasn't updated me yet.

I slept 8 hr. last night though I remember having weird dreams. This morning, I walked & jogged, a full moon was out when I started my exercise, very large & bright, I always enjoy seeing that sort of moon. I finished breakfast, showered, don't really plan to do much today, read mostly as I have new books from the library.

That pipeline fire is still buring, it's been over 48 hr. now. It's not as tall & they expect it to burn out today, but then they are going to re-ignite the area to burn off the residual gas (it's liquid natural gas burning). I really hope my grocery store wiill re-open soon as it is very close to the fire & has been closed since the fire started; I use the pharmacy inside it, and I'm seeing the pdoc tomorrow and I'll get some prescriptions to refill, and if the store is still closed, I'll have to use a different pharmacy, which I really don't care to do as I like my pharmacy a lot; they are efficient & very nice there.

I'm back from my endoscopy. My doctor wants to put me on Reglan but says I'd have to go off my Geodon. He wants me to talk to my pdoc and find something else. I don't think theres anything that doesn't cause massive weight gain or movement disorder. I'd rather just go off it altogether and not go on anything else.

Idk. I am drowsy as **** right now and they gave me fentnaynal and I can't see very good. Don't they say not to make any big decisions anyways. So deciding on different meds today isnt a good idea.

One of the nurses smelled like she hadn't taken a shower in a week but was using perfume every day

People were nice though and this was at a catholic hospital but no one gives a **** here if your trans even if its at a catholic hospital.

I feel very idk not depressed but not like super super happy either. Just kinda in the middle and it feels very boring. I don’t feel excited like I normally do. I just feel blah and like I’m ready for the next couple weeks to be over with. I feel like doing things but I have no motivation to actually do anything. Idk. I’m kind of bored. Every day feels like a repeat of the last day

Zoo asked for to much verification. So they went to the aquarium. I couldn't go because it's a 16 minute walk. So h took the kid. I slept in and ordered groceries. Might do some of my classes. I'm having symptoms my head's loud I'm confused it's not fun. I didn't get a call to schedule my therapy appointment. So I have to find out about that.

We got the paperwork filled out and swabbed inside both my cheeks 10 times each side for the genetic test. Now it gets sent to the company for testing. Should take 2 weeks! I'll get the results in my email and my psychiatrist and I will discuss the results in 4 weeks when I see her again in her office. Meanwhile we are keeping the Vraylar at 1.5 mg per day because it's working with minimal side effects and because upping the dose on the last two meds caused major problems as you know! I am getting a vitamin E test and a B6 test in November. I'm supposed to cut the B6 to half a pill every other day because my level was too high recently and keep taking the vitamin E as usual. So I’ve got a month’s worth of meds now.

I think I'm in a mixed episode. Half of me is feeling really low and I'm not interested in things I can usually do. The other half is well enough to go to the gym and initiate reading.

So I'm interested but at the same time not really feeling it.

I'm just taking things as they come up and trying not to predict the future in terms of how I might feel

Does Vraylar cause weight gain for you? I was looking around online and it said it was one of the APs to least likely cause weight gain.

I still just want to go off my Geodon but I'm thinking of a backup plan

Triggered, ugh, I feel like banging my head into the wall. Why do I continuously repeat doing the same things that are bad for me and expect a different outcome?!

Hard to tell as I gained a fair bit quickly just a month ago on risperdal. I’ve only been on Vraylar for 2 weeks. We’ll see what happens within this next month or so.

I walked to the library to renew my expiring library card. Apparently they’re holding a drawing on October 4th where you can win either a kindle or an iPad your choice if you win/if your name is drawn. In order to be eligible to participate you have to be renewing an expiring library card or signing up for a new one. There’s a youth category and whoever wins from their category will win a Nintendo switch.

Idk how good my luck is to win two drawings in a short amount of time cause I just won that $50 gift card basket from them recently. But it’s still cool to have a chance. If I win I’d choose the iPad since I already have a kindle.

I bought cookies on the way home. Nothing like cookies to cheer me up. Also the walk was helpful too. Though it’s way too hot outside.

I still feel groggy and slightly cranky since the nurse said not to take my valium until tonight because of the fentanyal and anetethisa

And I can still smell perfume BO butt lady. The smell is in my nose.