Bipolar Check-in #82

I totally didn't do a thing today. I didn't do laundry or take a shower or eat much or even get out of bed. I just grabbed a few snacks from my pantry and a few Kool Aid juice boxes from my stash on the floor. Its this Zofran. Its really hitting me in the rear. I swear you can get different generics with different side effects or something.

I feel awful. Walking my dog three times a day is exhausting me. I wanted to go to a street festival and i couldn't because i'm so sore and have to save my energy for my dog. It's a big adjustment, also keeping to a schedule of 8:30am, 2:30pm, and 8:30pm. Yesterday my dog couldn't wait for her scheduled breaks and i ended up taking her out four or five times. Getting a dog is one of the worst hypomania-induced mistakes i've made. She's tolerating her schedule better today tho. Hopefully she'll adjust. *I* have to adjust too.

My mood is unstable too, with the change of seasons. I had such an unusually active week. The soaring hope of making a friend with B, and the agony of realizing it's not real has really made me feel hopeless.

I'm thinking of using alcohol to cope. My mom was a functional alcoholic. It worked for her. I can tell it would be easy for me to become an alcoholic because the rare time i drink i am haunted by the taste for days afterward.

I'm so frustrated and miserable...

I think i'll just focus on my dog this week and not do any other activities, just walk her and rest. There. That's a plan for the better.

My family wants me to get a dog but I'm hesitant just for the reason you mentioned...that you have to take your dog out up to several times a day.

I can go days without leaving the house because I feel so low, I can't imagine having to go out every day.

I hope that you're able to manage with your dog, I'm sure he/she appreciates your efforts.

Hey everyone!

Been a long week, but I am glad it ended with a night with my friends Beetlejuice!! I loved it more than I thought I would. We also had some Mexican at a place and this lady passed by our table and I got a big whiff of pure liquor and it completely rocked me at my core. It shook me up so bad because it brought back so many memories of my past and addiction. I don't recommend alcohol @JaneOnceMore - being bipolar and drinking is what destroyed nearly half of my life.

Spent the day at my parents today which was good - saw that awful movie "Heart of Stone" with Gal Gadot (I love her so this was a total shame), with my dad - I don't know why they are making these movies that just paste together all the action movies we grew up watching years ago - there is no more original ideas in Hollywood and it's just so sad. Halle Barry and Mark Walhberg did one on Netflix recently, and it was god awful like this too - it's like they don't even read scripts anymore, ugh.

Anyway, looking forward to a really busy week - but it's really good seeing you guys! Hope you get some sleep @Nammu - I am thinking of you - and @MuddyBoots so good to see you back!! You sound so much better.

@Scooter9:

Thanks for the support. I know we're all supposed to adore our pets, and i do love her, i just didn't consider the reality of how demanding her daily care would be. I was flying high on hypomania when i got her, and she's so cute, everyone says so, complete strangers comment on it, i fell in love with her right away.

Then reality set in. I tried to give her away several times when she was young, but she is really attached to me, and couldn't adjust. She'll be twelve soon so perhaps there are just max four more years with her -- not that i want her to die, but i am looking forward to having my freedom again.

I hesitated to be honest about how stressed i am with her care, but if i widened your eyes as to the reality of caring for a dog, i am pleased. My doctor says dogs keep us healthy, and it is only the second week of walking her regularly so it could improve. He DOES have a point -- the exercise and outdoors are good for me.

Doubt i'll feel that way in the dead of Winter tho.

I've got a couple of things on my mind tonight:

One of them is trying to figure out if some of the things I've been struggling with recently are only a result from my abandonment wound getting triggered, if I've actually been in a mixed episode and it's paranoia, or a combination of the two. I went through a few days where I was convinced every one of my homeroom students hates me. I'm still worried they don't like me, but I'm more grounded about it (if that makes sense-I'm not completely spiraling but the fear is still there). Some of it is definitely abandonment wound stuff, but my paranoia can also present as being convinced absolutely no one in my life likes me or wants me around and I've been struggling with that. I don't think I've had any other manic symptoms though so maybe it's just abandonment stuff.

The other thing is it hit me that last September I also wasn't in a great space. I've never thought my symptoms were related to seasonal changes, but maybe there is a connection to that and/or transitioning back to school.

So I woke up anxious this morning. Did 2 hours of marking, entered the results online and put comments. Then did an hour of housework. Washed the animals bedding. Will do the floors tomorrow. Then took my son to the mall bought him some socks and myself a donut. Just got home and had a salad for lunch. Seems a bit contradictory to the donut but oh well. I hope my partner appreciates me tidying up the lounge this morning because it was an outrageous mess. I still have my bedroom to tidy up. Just bits and bobs out of place. Oh I had a bath this morning even though I really didn’t want to so I’m pleased about that.

I keep seeing these anxiety ads on Facebook. It’s learned I’m anxious. So many tools out there but I’m not prepared to pay for them when I don’t know how good they are. I see a new psychologist next week. Hoping he’s good.

Good morning. I slept really well. Feel better. A little less paranoid. Just up enjoying some coffee while I decide what to do today. I’m gonna practice violin but other than that I’m not sure. Most likely finish up season 1 of supernatural. Read/finish my current book. Watch some more of the Disney Halloweentown movie. And play some videogames. I guess I should get on the treadmill too.

Tomorrow I’m facilitating the bingo game for the seniors. I’m anxious about it. Even though I did it last month. I still get anxious. I’m just gonna do my best. It’ll be over before I know it. Wednesday there’s a nutrition class I’m going to. Thursday I’m going to the library to return some dvds. Saturday I have a violin lesson. And Sunday I am going to that cafe again. That’s the plans for the week. Other than that try to keep up with practicing violin, exercising, reading, meditating, journaling, keeping my apartment clean. And making sure I sleep every night.

I've had better mornings. I slept well last night & jogged & walked. However, on my walk home, I tripped on the stupid uneven sidewalk. It was a hard fall because I was power walking. I skinned my knees & elbow, but worst of all, I chipped 2 teeth, one of the big front teeth & the one next to it a little. So I have to go to the dentist. I have severe dental anxiety even when I just go for cleanings & X-rays because my teeth are not the best. Probably my foray into EDs had something to do with it, plus I grind my teeth at night & can't keep a nightguard in (always spit it out overnight). Then, I spilled my coffee. I had boiled an egg as part of my breakfast, and somehow I managed to crush the egg between my hands as I was fixing to crack it (egg was still warm so it was softer than if it had been refrigerated first).

I hope I can get a dental appt. today. The office opens at 8:30, so I'll call then. I really hope my tooth will be OK. I am less worried about the chip than if the tooth will die or something because of the pressure on it when I hit the sidewalk falling. I don't understand why the city doesn't fix the sidewalks. They are a hazard to walk on.

Ouch @Blueberrybook !! I hope you're okay now.

Today, I have a lot going on, trying to work this morning and go through applications to hire some seasonal people for my store. Things are picking up - I booked two candle making classes for this Saturday. Getting ready for my dad's surgery in two weeks, hope he's going to be okay. My bible study is tonight and I am really looking forward to that. I have to chair my AA meeting at noon and then I am having lunch with one of my AA friends afterwards. I am going to try and relax after that because I have to run out again in the evening. Just a lot going on, but it's really good to keep busy.

Had a tough time sleeping last night because my mind was running so much. Since I am going to be joining the Legion of Mary, I think it would really be beneficial to learn Spanish - I know a lot, but not enough for a full conversation. Downloaded the Duolingo app and it's super cute and fun. Having a lot of fun learning, but it's kind of fueling my manic mind.

@LadyShadow
It sounds like you are busy! It's awesome that you are learning Spanish. I took Spanish in high school, but I've pretty much forgotten all of it. I really admire others who are fluent in a 2nd language. My grandmother grew up speaking Czech at home at had to start school without knowing any English. She still remembers Czech but doesn't have anyone still alive to speak it with her. On the other hand, she speaks English just fine though she never lost her accent.

I called the dentist, and they can get me in today at 10 AM so just a little longer to wait. My dental anxiety will be a lot less once I just know what the diagnosis is on my teeth especially the one with the bigger chip that I definitely will want fixed assuming the tooth doesn't die and I need more extensive work on it. I am also changing dentists, and this will be my first visit to the new dentist. The quality of care has just gone way down at my old dentist office, and they have started to have insanely long wait times as well, so I have decided to change dentists. The new one has good reviews on Nextdoor by a lot of people, so hopefully it will be better than the old office.

im feeling overwhelmed and sleepy. i did get some sleep last night. hubby didnt let his alarms go off all morning like usual. work is alot today. planning for my group.

I met with the NP. We tried zoom but I can't get my app to unmute so we did it over the phone. She was really nice. She is decreasing my Geodon by 20mg. She seems to think that is causing my nausea. She says I've been on it for so long and on such a high dose that it could have just like crapped out on me and started making me sick.

She is also wondering about my bipolar diagnosis. I told her I dealt with bad PMDD but once I got my hystrectomy in 2021 my mood swings got a lot better. So she is wondering if it even was bipolar or just PMDD.

She does want me to wait on the Reglan until I meet with my pdoc to discuss it. I guess shes kinda swearing that the geodon and me being on it for 19 years is the issue.

I think? You lose weight when you stop an AP. I'm not sure though.

I’m feeling really down right now. I do have a telehealth therapy appointment in 30 minutes and I’m sure that will get me straightened out.

My anemia is severe again. We can’t seem to keep it up and they aren’t sure what’s causing it. It’s so disheartening. The worst part is fighting for air, not being able to walk and deep ulcers in the mouth and tongue. That’s for the birds I tell you. I’m following instructions exactly. I’ve revamped my diet and everything else. Oh well.

I haven’t felt well enough to get other routine things done so I have like 7-8 appointments in October and November.

I hope everybody has a peaceful day.

I’m upgrading to a better ukulele this week. A good well known brand. Not like the crappy one I currently have. I’ve used it for a couple years but now I feel it’s hindering my progress because the way it’s built isn’t ideal. So I’m upgrading this week. To a significantly better one. My old one cost like $35-$40. It’s a tenor. The new tenor ukulele I’m getting is around $260. Not that price is everything but sometimes you get what you pay for. I told myself I’d use my old one for a couple years and if I still wanted to upgrade after that then I could. And I do. I stuck with it. So I’m allowing myself to upgrade.

Plus it’s really beautiful. I’ve been eyeing it for a few years now but didn’t want to pay for it unless I knew for sure ukulele would be something I’d stick with.

I do love violin and that’s still my main instrument however there’s something about playing a ukulele or any guitar like instrument. Strumming it. Picking. It’s a different experience than using a bow but I love it too.

Anyway sorry for all the music talk.

But I feel good. I took an amazingly cozy nap for a couple hours in some really warm fuzzy blankets and it felt great. Now I’m about to read on my kindle. If I can get myself to take my headphones off. I like listening to music and blocking out the world.

Weight talk

Sunflower,
Have you gotten iron infusions for your anemia or just are you trying to get more iron in your diet & taking iron supplements?

I am prone to iron anemia. I have had to get iron infusions every few years. They are a pain (and can be expensive depending on your insurance) but they were the only things that got my iron back to manageable levels. I know I had terrible fatigue, worse than I get on my normal course of psych meds (which do cause me some fatigue) and I got ice pica as well from it. I was eating so much ice, I'd eat all the ice from the icemaker in the refrigerator, go out and buy bags of ice and go through those fast too. The only thing that helped get my iron up were those infusions. I tried a higher iron diet & iron supplements though the supplements were hard on my stomach and would only nudge my iron up a 2 points. They never did find an exact cause for my iron issues other than possibly my having ulcer surgery in the past and not the best amount of iron in my diet. It is really frustrating when you have anemia and can't find the cause

doing my group on anxiety an dusing cold to decrease it. i have gel packs in the fridge here at wokr to usew ith my group. should be good

Tmi, but I just got my period this morning and the pain is EXCRUCIATING. I'm literally laying on my side in bed moaning. I think it's time to take more Tylenol, not that it'll help too much.

Anyway, I'm feeling much better now that I'm having my period. Think I just had a slight hiccup and a bad case of pre-menstrual PMS (stupid hormones!). My anxiety is high, but luckily I'm getting my prn seroquel today so I'll have that to take. I still have an empty brain unfortunately though. But I'm looking forward to things again and am back to my normal cheerful self. 😊 I'm just in the middle of an anxiety episode unfortunately, but it'll pass.

@Scooter9

I recommend getting a cat if you want a pet. They're pretty self sufficient, adorable, and taking care of their cat litter takes like five seconds (especially if you do it everyday). I love our two cats to death. ❤️ They're my babies. I'm the one in the household who feeds them and takes care of their litter, etc. One we don't pay the cat fee for on our apartment because we have him down as my therapy animal. Cats are really emphatic. Our female cat is always trying to cheer everyone up and gets concerned when someone is upset.

I'll stop raving about cats. Lol. I just love cats. Get a cats. 😊

@Blueberrybook

Ouch!!! Jesus. How did your dentist appointment go? That sounds so painful. I hope you're okay now. 🫂 ❤️

Hi. Meds are going well. Saw therapist. She says she thinks I am traumatized (ptsd?) by growing up in an alcoholic household. She asked me why I think I'm bipolar. Uh.... because I have had all the symptoms for the last 20 years?? You CAN have both I'm sure! Well I'm just wondering where she's trying to go saying I was traumatized by my alcoholic dad and that my symptoms stem from being an adult child of an alcoholic. .That and she’s obviously anti-psych meds! I feel I'm caught between her and Pdoc! And pdoc recommended her!

@raspberrytorte I am glad you are feeling better now, well not glad about your bad period but you know what I mean. You sound a lot more positive. Sorry about the anxiety. I definitely can relate to that.

@Moose72 I'd go with the pdoc's diagnosis. I don't really know that your T has known you long enough to make a diagnosis like that and she doesn't have the medical training a pdoc does. Just my 2 cents.

Blue_Bird Ugh, I know about anxiety with getting weighed at the pdoc. Mine weighs me every appt. But not just me, he weighs all his patients at every appt. because I've heard him calling in patients before me while I'm in the waiting room before the door closes, and he says, "Now let's check your weight" to every one of them before the door will close. It is nerve-wracking to me. I've thought of asking him if he can just not check my weight because of my past with an ED but then I'm always thinking well if he starts noticing a weight trend up or down due to a medication or shift in my bipolar, it would be beneficial to me. And I have a scale at home anyway, so it's not exactly like I don't know my weight.

Thanks everyone for the sympathy with my tooth. It is much appreciated. I really wish I didn't have such bad dental anxiety; I've had it since I was a kid even before I developed out-and-out full panic disorder, well, truthfully I've always been anxious about everything since I was a kid - school, home life with an abusive father, meeting strangers, making friends, new places, seeing the doctor, the dentist, the eye doctor, death, getting sick, pretty much you name it, I had anxiety about it.

To get back to the tooth, the dental appt. went well. The dentist was able to fix the larger chip with just a filling and she smoothed out the smaller chip. She said the tooth may still ache from the pressure for up to 2-3 weeks because the trauma of the fall likely bruised the tooth. Then she told me the trauma can in cases cause the nerve to die anywhere from weeks to YEARS after the injury and that's something just to deal with when the time comes. I really hope that doesn't happen to me, but I guess no use worrying about it until I have something to actually worry about.

But from the fall itself, not only does the tooth ache, but my scraped knees and hands and elbow are throbbing. I took some Tylenol but I don't think it's helped much. I will be happy once I start healing!

Just a quick note to say I’m back from my sisters. The dentist fixed the issue and soon I should be done with the dentist.

I’m really tired from not sleeping and the driving. Hugs to everyone will try to respond more in depth tomorrow.

I had to take my cat Crookshanks to the vet today. He needed to get his teeth cleaned and they ended up pulling 3 teeth. We just picked him up and the poor guy is walking all over the place confused and halfway falling over. We have to give him wet food for a few days. Gary is gonna want some too so we got a few cans. He'll be fine though.

I didn't take the 20mg Geodon and I had energy to take a shower and then go with my mom and pick up the cat. My stomach has been fine today.

Does anyone else notice people looking more nervous lately?