Bipolar Check-in #82

So tired and lethargic today. Just walking takes a huge amount of effort. Energy levels gone. I'm not mentally depressed, but it feels like my body is depressed today.

After another encounter (that was still satisfying, don't get me wrong, the sertraline side effect is just getting old) I've decided to ask to be taken off the sertraline. Life is too short for this shyt. Therapist pretty much told me that it was up to me and that if I chose to go off it to talk to scary new psychiatrist about it at my next appointment with her on October 7th.

I was doing some online research on ADs that don't cause the side effect I'm experiencing and not many showed up. A couple I've tried already and couldn't tolerate. But one I've never tried is viibryd and it comes in generic, so I was thinking about asking about that one.

Has anyone tried it?

I may make a separate thread asking about this.

Otherwise I was just going to go AD free and see how I do.

My friend stopped by and surprised me randomly with this book she got me, it's about building good habits and patterns, it's like a book/workbook written by a psychologist. I'm so excited about it! That was so nice of her to do. Also we made plans to go grocery shopping together next month

Wondering what to do with my day off. Might go get my nails done but I feel guilty having all this free time.

That's great that you got the time off! Do things for yourself, mentally as well as physically. Even an unrushed stroll makes a difference.

Ugh I just wanna sleep but hide from
Thr world
Too

You could work on building your distress tolerance so that when you go back to work you’ll be stronger

On the way home from my mental health drop-in i took the bus home with one of the women, "B." We had a great conversation! I so enjoyed it! I really feel so happy to have had such a good time and let loose with someone. She's really bright and likeable. I screwed up my courage and asked to exchange phone numbers but she said no, as she is bad at keeping in touch, but would look forward to seeing me around the drop-in. So that was a disappointment, but i'm pleased and proud of myself that i took the initiative and seized the day. Maybe we'll exchange phone numbers when she's more familiar with me. It's only the second time i've seen her there. Wow, i feel so much better about myself, for being myself for once, and expressing myself. What a relief to 'come out of my shell' as June08 puts it, and really connect with someone!

I slept from 8:30 AM to 12:30 PM. I am so tired now. Hopefully I'll stay calm tonight and sleep. My only real goal for today was to get my blood drawn for clozaril and I did that so I'm ok to just rest. I need to go to Walmart but I'm moving that to tomorrow after I've had some sleep. It will go faster if I'm not too tired to follow the rows in logical order.

I'm going to see the new house Tuesday. I wish it were sooner but it's only 5 more days and that day will be a big day anyway because it will be one more week and my therapist will be back. He's going to be mad at me for dumping the substitute but I couldn't go this week (I could now, I'm much better, but I didn't know that when I would have re-scheduled) and next week is busy. We have family coming from all over the place for a gathering here. Plus she didn't help. I realize I only gave her one chance to help but it's not my fault I got sick. We'll work it out. I just hope he doesn't think I can go this many weeks between therapy normally. I'm paying a price doing this, especially now.


Hoping to stay awake until med time (which is too early to go to sleep, I'd be awake in the middle of the night for sure)....

Ohh I didn’t check in yet!

I’ve had some frustration and anxiety today. Last night one of my implants fell out, so I tried going on line to get a hold of my dentist as their phone is a horrible auto robo. But their chat line is also an auto bot that told me to call. So I called and went around in circles. They are an hour away from me and I got ready to drive there, but then I thought of my sister. She lives five minutes away. So I texted her and she went for me. I have surgery again Monday morning at 8am! Because it’s so early my sister invited me to stay with her Sunday night and only be a 5 minute drive away.

Fortunately there no pain I’m using salt water while I wait for Monday. I do have pain pills left over from my other surgery so I’m fine that way. But now pissed that they don’t have a way to get a hold of them in an emergency.

The perfume lady was also like "is there anything you want to tell me that you don't want your mom to know?" And I said no and then she said "are you in any trouble?"

Are these routine questions or did she think I was in danger or something? I haven't been asked them before. Well not in that way.

Then she said I could get undressed and I asked if I could keep my underwear on and she paused for a second and said "no he likes it off in case you go off potty during the procedure."

Idk. Besides the overwhelming perfume BO does anyone else find her odd?

@Mountaindewed

Maybe just a little bit.

@Mountaindewed:

Yes, i do find her questions odd, but if she's insensitive enough to wear overpowering perfume, she probably doesn't have the best judgement all-around.

The first question sounded like she was giving you your HIPAA privacy. The 2nd question sounded like she was screening for domestic violence. But it always sounds like from here that you and your mom have a good relationship, and maybe the nurse wasnt vibing with that.

Still having my period. Got together with my sister and N1 and N2 and my mom and her husband. My sister leaves tomorrow.

Fu John.... Making my child go in the closet for 6+ more years. Your a horrible therapist I wish I knew. You would have been fired.

I'm slipping, I have therapy tomorrow and don't want to tell her. H is taking down the fire alarm in our room tomorrow because it feels like it's recording us. My head's loud, I'm confused, worried about catching something if I eat. But I recognize it. I don't want to tell t or pdoc. Found out we have the kid for at least 2 more weeks. Which means all his books will be in. He may learn to read in that time. I don't want to change my meds because what if it's worse! But I thought about blood letting today.

im struggling yall. so bad.

idk if im depressed or manic or mixed like t thinks. i jump back and forth all day. t says im better than i was in august when i was manic as hell. now im starting to have high anxiety and feeling stressed by any littel thing liek dishes o r what to eat or drink. why is the moon so bright? why am i exhausted all day then cant sleep well? i have so much to do and no time or energy to do it even typing this is hard. my eyes hurt. i wanna cry but i wanna go party ( im not a party person). i wanna hide all day. i dont wanna be alone except for when i do. i wanna talk to t and tell him the things im seeing but i dont want him to know. im a walking contradiction.

:
"I tell the truth 'cept when I lie-it only hurts me when i cry"

I've fallen back into the trap of spending an unhealthy amount of time on my phone. This evening, even though I have laundry to put away and need to figure out how to use the protection plan I bought to get refunded for my concert tickets, I spent hours on my phone instead of doing either of these things. I was thinking I'd be okay with counseling once a month, and am really enjoying going only once a month, but I might need to consider every two weeks for a bit longer since I jumped pretty quickly from weekly to monthly.

One positive thing I found the courage to do is start the application process to volunteer at a nearby hospital. It's quite the process, and a bit of a commitment. They ask that you can volunteer at least one 4 hour shift/week for at least 6 months. This makes me nervous because of my POTs, but I have to stop letting fear of symptoms (mental health and physical health) stop me from living my life. I am only available on weekends (because of work) so it might not work out anyways.

So I went and got my nails done. I figured out what’s so weird. It’s the fact that I don’t have my 5 year old son with me he’s been at school all day. I’m not used to being home totally alone … he’s always with me. Next 2 weeks are school holidays and I’ll have him with me pretty much for the 2 weeks except when Ive organised care for him when I see my new psychologist.

I didn't sleep much last night. I haven't eaten much either since Tuesday. I don't feel depressed.

I'm having intrusive negative thoughts this morning