Bipolar Check-in #82

Finished my needs assessment paper. Just gotta look over it again before I turn it in. With my interview transcripts as attached appendices it’s 29 pages.

I started it Friday and finished it Saturday.

I’ve decided to find a new tdoc. My therapist friend of 20 years says mine thinks everything is trauma and she doesn’t believe bipolar is real and she is against psych meds! She’s a pleasant person but we have different believes when it comes to mental health.

I had a t believe that too. she thoght it was all my PTSD which I mean I do have complex trauma BUT i was stable on psych meds for years

Today was quiet. I didn't attempt to do any activities other than walking my dog. Her scheduled breaks were an hour earlier as i woke up early feeling good. She did well. I took Tylenol and stretched after each walk to try and ease my muscle soreness. Even my neck hurts. I emailed my doctor asking how long he thinks the pain will last.

I went in my support group's ZOOM social hour and a guy told us about a TV site that i can get a news broadcast on, so that's a bit of connection to the world for me, since i cut my cable five years ago. So excited that Kamala Harris is the candidate opposing Trump! They couldn't be more different!

I had some anxiety mid-day, but otherwise it was an okay day. I have a little anxiety about staying fed, but i have some extra money and have been ordering from Subway, which i feel is a decent solution. At least i get my veggies.

@Mountaindewed

I admittedly don't get out much, but I know the closer the election gets the more nervous I'VE been feeling! Like the thought of it makes me want to puke.

I’ve taken my son to an indoor play centre so he can let off some steam. It’s loud in here. I didn’t answer my phone when my counsellor rang. She left me a 47 second voicemail saying she was with sick child on Saturday hence forgot. Fair enough but she’s done it TWICE now so yeah. Plus I see a new psychologist next week so there’s that.

This play centre is going to drive me crazy with all the screaming ….

im sick over it too.

@raspberrytorte, I had cats throughout my life and my last cat died about 3 years ago. I think I'm done with cats. Not that they aren't great, but I've had them since I was 6 and I think I'm good.

I had fish too, huge tank and various types of fish. Of course not cuddly but very cute and they do recognize people.

I was thinking of a bird but I have to convince my wife. We have the space, but I'm concerned about it getting into the dishes and such if we let it loose around the house, which I think would be 5 majority of the time. Plus I would get at least 2.

@Blueberrybook I'm glad your appointment went well!

I spent a good chunk of my evening trying to find different places to volunteer but haven't had any lunch. Scheduling is the issue I'm running in to.

Today was an okay day. It went faster than I expected it to so that's good. Tomorrow, I have detention coverage and a chiropractor appointment so those two things will help fill some of my down time/keep me distracted from the different ways I'm struggling. One week until counseling and 1.5 weeks until I see my pdoc.

Ugh. My therapist keeps on bothering me about seeing my damn GP about my stupid hormones!!! 😒 Finally I texted her something along the lines of: I don't think we should fck with my hormones. Last time we did that I ended up IP (after taking the morning after pill). Plus I can't go on hormonal birth control. I have in the past and regardless of the kind it made me go crazy and gave me bad PMS the entire month, including the nova ring (or whatever that thing was called). She never responded. Lol. I'm so sick of her talking about my stupid hormones! Messing with my already messed up hormones DOES NOT help me!!!! I have learned this from the past! I will NOT go on any hormonal birth control! Grrrr. FCKKKK!!!!!

Okay. Calm down, raspberry. Lol.

Took my son to the gp for his persistent cough the last few days. Turns out he does need antibiotics because he has a bit of a red throat and red ears. Poor bugger hasn’t complained about that at all. Dr said he’ll be alright in 2 days. Good thing.

my mom woke me up to help her give the cat his pain med and I was literally stumbling. I got his meds in which was good and then I fell back asleep. I feel ok now.

Not a lot of sleep last night and very tired this morning. Struggling a lot - things with my boyfriend - kind of gave him an ultimatum last night and laid down everything that was bothering me about our relationship. It was painful and I was very harsh - I definitely said a lot of things in anger and frustration in which I cried myself to sleep in guilt over it. It's just been a really rough night - thankfully I see my therapist this afternoon.

Going to a nutritionist this morning to address this whole weight thing. I know it's mostly my thyroid issue, but maybe I can fix the way I eat, and it should help some.

Guys my head is just in a fog, I am so exhausted right now. I just laid in bed since 4:41am this morning in tears and then did a whole unit in my Duolingo for my Spanish class. @Blueberrybook I am so glad you are on the mend - so interesting about some of the language that your family knows too. @raspberrytorte hugs my friend because of your painful period, mine is due real soon and it could be why I'm so emotional. @Mountaindewed I think a lot of people are nervous with this election like other people have mentioned - plus all that's happening in the Middle East seems really bad.

I slept good. About 6 hours. Got up got on the treadmill for 30 minutes then took a shower. I’m actually about to turn the heat on cause it’s chilly this morning. Hopefully that means fall weather is coming soon. Later today I’m calling the bingo game for my building. Nervous but it will be over with quickly.

I am definitely sore from that fall yesterday. The worst thing is the scrape I got on my right hand because I have to use my hands so much and it's impossible to keep a bandaid on it. Still, I was able to walk & jog this morning which felt good even if I was a little anxious I might fall again.

This morning I went to the grocery store because I forgot to order Greek yogurt. I plan to make chicken swarmas, and I mix the Greek yogurt with tahini sauce, lemon juice & garlic to make a sort of crema for the swarmas. Then, I treated myself to a Starbucks latte & breakfast sandwich.

The rest of my day is pretty low key just the normal things, laundry, taking care of the cats, meals, reading, maybe find something to stream on TV. My life is boringly predictable, but on the other hand, I'm glad not to have any crises going on or my bipolar getting out of control. Life is pretty okay at the moment

I slept pretty well last night. I took two of my ambien. I’m wondering about taking tow for a few days to catch up on sleep. I’ve really been off my feed, so to speak. Not playing well with others and very irritable. Isolating and not eating. Thinking about contacting my pdoc. But all he’ll do is throw meds at it. Ooohh I want a vacation! I want a cabin up in the north woods by a lake. But man, expensive!

I'm doing ok today. I went to Platos Closet and didn't find anything and then I went to the international market and got an exotic bottled Starbucks drink. I got coffee and then came home. I was going to make a couple other stops but I was tired. My coffee is sitting fine with me though. Its just my zofran and pantropaloze wear me out. And the dramamine too. I slept fine last night.



But idk. Maybe it could be why my stomach hurts and stuff. Leftovers from my surgery. Some GI doctor did suggest that. I just don't want to get involved with more stuff

Went to Costco with my mom and got a big package of toilet paper and some Schulers cheese. Got a hot dog and Diet Pepsi for lunch. Yum!

@Nammu
I'm glad to hear you slept better but I'm so sorry you're feeling off. Has it been going on awhile or just started? Might not hurt to contact your pdoc if it's been going on more than a few days.

I'm anxious now because my mom texted that she is seeing her oncologist Monday for an update on her latest scans. She was diagnosed with endometrial cancer stage III last year and went through chemo and radiation and fortunately went into remission. However, now she has regular scans and appts. with her oncologist to be sure she is still cancer-free. Every time she has another oncologist appt. I worry that the cancer will return. These appts. always make me feel anxious until I hear back from my mom about the results. I just hope the news stays good.

Presidential election stuff of actual candidates campaigning I really only see if I turn on national news (NH tends to choose local stuff when they can, not that seeing Ayotte and Craig fight using us as a medium is any better). I see Trump v Harris if I look at fb (and it's hilarious because I have a very conservative, but also mean and insulting family and some very scared liberal friends but my absolute favorite are two friends soooo fking over it that they're bombing everyone and making so many straw mans there will be no crows on whatever continent they're on).

But yeah. At this point it's just a comedic tragedy I have but a single small part of that I will do as I see fit. Entertaining, and when I want I can escape to my Murderbot series (Murderbot is the most relatable entity on this fking planet. Except it's not on this planet. Murderbot wouldn't take the election seriously either, but it would be the one ending up saying "fking humans. always trying to kill each other and I have to try to keep them from doing that.")

VERMIN SUPREME! PONIES AND TOOTHBRUSHES!

----

I had my meeting for the apartment today, and HOLY SHITE IS THIS PLACE AMAZING! It is probably the safest apartment I have ever, EVER seen (women only, policewoman on site 24/7, limited visiting hours, cameras in the halls, the two people running the place checking up on you if they don't see you in a bit and they're going to sign an ROI with my case manager for any sort of crisis, no smoking (which is great because cigarette smell is a huge trigger that is INESCAPABLE), no drugs allowed--I don't think that'll stop anyone until they get caught though). Seemed pretty clean too. A lot of people stay there for years...some times MANY years. Good location. She didn't say I wasn't allowed to have pets (I told her I had two because I'M TAKING MY FKING KITTENS BACK though they're probably big boys now. Big baby bois )

My case manager was bursting when we talked, and I called the psych unit because the NP knows me really well and that I'm super self-sabotaging and that there was a good chance I'd skip this meeting, but I told the nurse that answered I went and she handed me the phone to the NP and they were both so excited they were going to spread word to the other staff. My case manager made a face, I don't even know what face, but it was a face, when I told her it was a women's only apartment. Maybe it was a "I can tell you would've ended up screwing half the male neighbors (no, more like two, CM!) and it would totally backfire because then word would get out and you'd be further taken advantage of, but haha you can't do that!" Okay it definitely was that look.

(...when some of the psych evaluators in the ED, the psychiatrist that periodically checks in on you while waiting for transfer, and the IP NP know you just as well if not better than your outpatient team--maybe better because they see you in full trigger mode but also as you get better and you can't cancel appointments).

I know I'm writing a lot but I am sooo fking excited. I am going to have both independence and the ability to nap in the middle of the day without worrying about my backpack being stolen, and that is a FIRST! Also I have yet to take zee mid day Ritalin so the thoughts are thoughting (or I'm heading up, we'll see after I swallow my methylphenidate that makes me not want to drink).

But also my pdoc wants me on the morning med run until I see her next because they don't trust me to drive. I'm still going to, but not a lot. I want to ease my way because I know... (edited super long tangent)

Yeah, calm down your hormones raspberry (just kidding, I'm not your t haha)

@LadyShadow sorry it was a rough night. One thing someone told me though is that it's kind of a good thing when you *can* fight with somebody because that means you're comfortable with letting negative emotions out around them. Sure, the way someone could fight can be incredibly toxic, but more "arguing" than "fighting" is good (I'm not sure of the difference, my guess is that arguing never involves anything that could put someone under arrest, but this isn't my department I'm just relaying some stuff I've been told).

I hope you can take it easy on yourself, my friend

@Blue_Bird we have used the heat a couple times already! Foliage is showing! There's even been some snow on the summits! I've had to throw a flannel on when going outside a few times! Early fall weather is HERE! (Late fall weather can go suck it. Who wants 40F and raining that may freeze and knock out the power for two weeks?)

Hope bingo goes well

@Nammu I don't think taking two ambeezzzz to catch up on sleep for a bit is a bad idea. You know your body, don't feel like you should withhold yourself from sleeping if/because that means taking a bit extra. Not like it'll be permanent, and it sounds like you think you need it.

Thank you! I hope things work out well at the new apartment. That sounds awesome and a little like where I live. It’s not women only where I live but it’s supportive housing, there’s cameras all throughout the building and property, a security guard 24/7, no smoking in the building including vapes, no drugs. I’ve lived here for almost 5 years now. The rent is 30% of my income which is really good. Also I meet with a program manager here once a month to discuss goals. And there’s events and stuff in the community room. It’s nice! We’re allowed to have pets if they’re emotional support pets meaning we have to have a letter from our therapist or psychiatrist. I have my two cats there’s a lady here that has a little bulldog. There’s some other people with hamsters, cats