Bipolar Check-in #82

I take Thorazine for sleep. Most nights I sleep well. I don’t really need a med adjustment , this doesn’t happen super often, just occasionally and I threw my schedule off my taking a 5 hour nap yesterday morning

@Blue_Bird

I totally get this. I also can't work. Except I feel like a failure at life because I'm not making a ton of money off my writing and am not famous, probably because society instills in you that success = money and fame. Plus I'm just the editor of a tiny ezine. Honestly, it makes me want to cry. I feel like I've accomplished nothing. 😒 It's depressing. And my life is over half over do I'm just fcked.

I can't work either. I tried 3 different times; the longest I lasted was a month. The other too times, I had to quit within the first week. It was just too much for me. After the 3rd try and a near hospitalization, my pdoc at the time said it would be best for my health overall if I didn't work. I believe that she is right. But I still feel like a failure. Why did I even bother to go to school to get a Master's? Now, in retrospect, I wonder how I even managed to get through the master's program even though I had to take a leave of absence mid-way through for a hospitalization, I somehow finished it. But I don't think I'd be able to do that again. I feel guilty that H has to shoulder the entire financial burden and I'm a crappy housewife too, I barely manage to clean even once a month if that...sigh.

The whole idea that everybody's view of success should be the same (typically associated with having a lot of money, an "admirable" career/position within the field, and a high societal status) is a bunch of hogwash. I just want to eat, sleep, hike, and feel loved (in that order, if not all at once). I feel like a failure even though if you told me at 18 I'd live another 10 years I'd claim bs, but here I am, and I want to believe that's a success at some level.

I've tried "sign here, clock in/out" jobs too. I did well doing seasonal ride/lift operating positions at an amusement park and a ski area for four and a half years, but when covid came about and there was a five month gap of not doing anything and I went back as a ride operator, I just couldn't do it. I couldn't put up with the heat or yelling at people to wear masks or the new positions they put in so there weren't hundreds of people touching a gate or being in charge of making however many people are in line for a log ride on a sunny 100F day social distance. I hated being yelled at by parents when I had to shut down every 30min-an hour to clean (alternating between bleach and ammonia at that, I felt super safe doing that...) or run half full cycles/load every other boat/row/plane/swing/whatever. My mental health was already shyt, and I tried other jobs in the meantime but I couldn't handle anything I got hired for (honestly it was just Dunk's and a dollar store I tried, but both had wild hours and next to no training so that was just not going to work).

If things at some point get better-- I go a while without a major episode, I get my trauma shyt under control, my ADHD doesn't do a crap job at air traffic control--I'd like to get a job I don't hate and can support me enough to get off of social security. No expectations though.

to everyone

I managed to finish cleaning, did everything except vacuum. I also did laundry. I’m gonna do my actual grocery shopping tomorrow after a full night of sleep and the vacuuming then too. My energy is crashing now and I’m just laying on the couch now. I’m not gonna push myself to practice violin today cause of the zero sleep it won’t really be effective practice, and I don’t want to overwhelm myself. Im just gonna chill for the rest of the day. Watch some shows, listen to some music, and play some games.

People are out in the hallway talking and it’s driving me insane the noise is getting under my skin and making me feel rage. So I’m just gonna keep my headphones on.

Yeah I feel similar , I turned 30 in June and I feel like my life is flying by with nothing to show for it. I’m trying to practice mindfulness more and live in the present moment and appreciate everything and try to not regret it though, and just keep making good decisions and actions that move me forward to my goals. If I never reach them I guess that’s okay it’s really the journey that matters. I’m trying to learn to take the stoic philosophy to not wait for a goal to happen or to get to a certain point in life where I will then be happy, to be happy now and enjoy everything and the process of living, to not let happiness depend on outside circumstances or achievements, because life rushes by if you wait for your happiness to come in the future

I had some sort of migraine nausea bad fatigue all day yesterday. My 48oz bottle of peppermint cold brew coffee didn't even raise my blood pressure let alone help with my fatigue. I fell asleep at 5:15 then I woke up at 8:30PM and then I fell back asleep at 10 and I slept until 5. I drank some iced tea and ate granola for breakfast. Then I decIded to force myself out of the house for bottles of coffee from the grocery store. Since like one venti Starbucks coffee is $7 and a bottle of coffee from the grocery store is $7 for 3 servings. If I don't get tired as **** and drink all the whole bottle at one time. So I got a bunch of bottles of iced coffee and matchas and chai and stuff. I also got some limited edtion Motts caramel apple apple sauce and Motts caramel apple juice and some sparkling water. Then I went to the gas station and I think the cashier thought I was just another douche dude buying beef jerky and Mountain Dew, but it was my mom who was being confusing first.

Anyways, I battled my fatigue and got out of the house. So that is good. Not like I'm not totally back in bed now.