Bipolar Check-in #82

I am so afraid my long-time penpal of 21 years isn’t going to write me back since I told him about my psychotic break last March. He does have a history of replying over days in a row rather than all at once. I hope that’s why he hasn’t responded yet. I would be so depressed if he and I never wrote again!

Good morning, I didn’t sleep well. It’s my fault because I keep thinking I can go down to 100mg of Thorazine but then I don’t sleep well at all. Barely sleep. I just have to accept that I need to be on the 200mg. I didn’t get to sleep till after 2am and woke up at 7am.

Idk what I’m doing today. Probably gonna try to get a lot of reading in, take a shower, draw some too probably.

I'm doing well. Sleeping good. I had the weirdest dream yet, too embarrassing to explain though!

Just finishing up my morning coffee. I've got to find out how to pop my right hip today though. It hurts when I walk. It needs to pop and I can't get it to pop. Ever since I had issues with my right SI joint, I've had issues with my right hip popping out of joint. I know there are some YouTube videos on it, and hopefully they help. I really don't want to have to spend the money on a chiropracter.

Good morning threadies!! Going to concentrate on work, even though my headspace isn't in it. Had the worst night last night, and had to shut off my phone. A friend of mine just starting dating someone and she was describing (in detail) their first kiss and I honestly felt sick. Things are hard with my boyfriend because of distance, and she knows how much I long for him for her to tell me all that. I didn't take it well. I was crying most of the night hearing God tell me "jealousy is a sin, please be grateful for all you have" I have to be grateful for the life I have and be happy for my friend that she found someone, she was suffering so much too.

We also had another big tornado warning at 5pm yesterday too!! I was sitting in my bathtub like my dad told me to do, with my phone in my hand - It was pretty scary, and I felt ridiculous. But it passed really fast and then the sun came out! So weird.

Anyway, Happy October 1st everyone, have an amazing day!!

Ughhh just spent like half an hour making a post while at a swamp while this dog I’m walking (his name is Chili and I think that is the best name for a dog—part husky at that!) so of course I just let him play with swamp creatures (he got obsessed with one turtle) but the post got erased because I got timed out when A FREAKING MOOSE SHOWED UP! that is the closest I’ve been to a moose and I do not care to repeat the experience, especially with a dog.

Anyway Chilis mom won’t be happy about all the mud, but if you have a (part) Husky don’t get upset when your house isn’t always spotless.

I’ve been super tired and there’s a million reasons that could be causing it but I’m not sure if all of them ARE actual causes (ie is Depakote contributing or is the Ritalin addition screwing me up? Or the switch from summer to fall and with it dayligh, types of food I eat, weather, etc the main thing?)

At least I sleep through the night most nights now.

Also I love the term “threadies” !

edit: I had an ex that was a musician (ok, I had a lot of musician exes, but regardless) and a majority of our time and communication was through music. Missing our times significantly today, and he's a huge Steely Dan fan so of course I have my Royal Scam CD going. Once I move and settle in, I'm going to really work on moving forward with life. Maybe I'll go back to school or find something else I can make a decent living doing. I don't really know, but I'm just going to pick something that sounds interesting and go after it.

edit2: You Canadians have police officers TRAINED in crisis intervention? Lucky SOBs

Took me 12 hours to get 6 1/2 hours of sleep. I’ll take it! I’m just sort of blah.

So I got 3 hours broke sleep. I'm not tired. Things are taking to long. I spent $60 getting my transcripts. I see my pdoc Friday.

I saw my GI doctor. He wants to put me on this med called Elvail for my GI stuff. He is putting me on 10mg and says I shouldn't have an issue at that dose. He looked at my med list and said theres a slight interaction with my Prestiq. But he keeps saying that 10mg isnt a big deal.

I came home and googled it and I found all sorts of freaky stuff from weight gain to long QT and other heart stuff. Yet I'm not sure if that stuff happens on just 10mg. I'm kinda nervous though tbh to take it. But I can't take legit stomach meds because of my Geodon and going down 20mg didn't work. So I have to try off label stuff.

Didn’t sleep great. Woke up at 1:00am hungry because I didn’t eat dinner (got home late from the paediatrician and ate lunch late). Got up and made a nachos snack. Partner woke me up at 5:00am when he left for work. Still sleeping 12 hours most nights and can’t change it. Because I feel exhausted during the day. I know ….. off to the chemist today I need more Effexor.

I’ll check in later have a good one all!

I went out to a meeting and spent some time in my church by myself for a while. Weather has been really dreary. New Hurricane forming in the Carribean headed this way.

Came home and have just been crying for the entire afternoon. I am just sinking.

I was upset all day about a mix-up with the delivery of my dog's food but it was all put in perspective when i tuned in to a local news broadcast. I've had trouble accessing local news for almost a year now due to technical difficulties but i worked them out and am i ever glad i did. All the anxiety, frustration, and anger over the mix-up blew away when i realized i am so lucky not to be in the midst of the devastation of hurricane Helene and the unrest in the Middle-East.

I also passed a milestone in adjusting to my new lifestyle with walking my dog regularly three times a day. Today was the first day that i didn't go back to bed after her early morning walk. It was a grim day and my body aches but it's still a sign that i'm adjusting to a healthier pattern.

@LadyShadow:

My thoughts and prayers go out to you in this incredibly difficult time.

Hugs to all in need!

It's been a weird day. I took a 4-5 hour nap this morning on my couch. Didn't do much most of the day, almost felt depressed. Couldn't focus on anything either so I mostly sat around in silence. Then I ordered McDonalds tonight, got the double bacon quarter pounder with cheese and a chocolate shake, and two large black coffees to have around to drink until I go grocery shopping tomorrow and get some more coffee grounds. I'm feeling in a better mood now. Maybe I just needed some caffeine. I'm not used to going without it, that could have caused the dip in mood/energy over the past couple days. I'm listening to music right now, enjoying one of my coffees, and might play one of the new PC games I bought today for my laptop, I got a couple new ones.

Feeling dumb because I'm having issues with attention and English. Does anyone else have cognitive issues because of this disorder?

Yes definitely especially if I’m manic or depressed

I saw a reel today that said people with bipolar disorder sometimes wish for mania but tend to always fear depression; I can relate to this. Lately, I've been wanting my hypomanic sweet spot to kick in so I can enjoy life more than depression allows. The sweet spot also feels fun. But, the truth is, whenever I experience it next (which will probably be sooner than later since I had to stop the one type of birth control and don't have a different type yet) I won't be happy it's there because the sweet spot doesn't last long and is followed by unpleasant manic symptoms and then a depressive crash. Part of me also fears the sweet spot kicking in because I know what follows.

As I type this, I feel like I've written a similar post as this before. I guess it shows a pattern of mindset for me.

Had a serious freak out this morning about being old. Actually had an anxiety dream about it the other day and one of my "friends" on Facebook commented (when I made a distressed post about it), "You are." What the FCK. Needless to say I unfriended him! I already KNOW I'm old. I'm FREAKING OUT ABOUT IT.

I used to be so pretty. Now I'm just.. OLD.

HALF MY LIFE IS OVER. OVER HALF MY LIFE! I'm going to start bawling! I am not taking this whole getting older thing well. My husband doesn't care at all. Weirdo.

Now I'm seeing little squiggly lines made of light everywhere. I'm so ****ed.

I’m still up. It’s a little after midnight now. Wide awake. I guess the 5 hour nap I took in the morning threw my schedule off. I’m just gonna have to stay up and push through tomorrow and then try to go to sleep tomorrow night.

I like to get my grocery shopping done early so I’m gonna take the bus there around 6am. In the meantime I’m gonna watch some shows and listen to music and feel inspired. Hopefully enough to practice violin later in the day. Music is everything.

I got some cat treats being delivered tomorrow for my cats. They’ll be happy. They both love treats. Just say the word treats and they come running.

I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing in my life and that I’m getting nowhere and am not good at anything

@Blue_Bird You accomplish so much! You have such a drive to keep busy. I don't do a fourth of what you do and I'm still tired all the time. Just the kitty shelter alone is a huge gift to the kitties and the world. I admire you so much. Please don't put yourself down.

Thank you! That means a lot to me. I guess I just have this instilled belief that I must have a job or something to be productive or have done something meaningful in my life. I tried working, I tried 4 retail jobs last year in the span of like 9 months and I ended up leaving them all because it was too overwhelming and made me really unstable. I mean I guess I’m proud of myself cause I did stick with one for 3 months and became a talent captain but still I couldn’t handle it. I can’t handle traditional work. Which is why I just volunteer now. It’s a lot less stress. Idk why but I guess maybe because society instills the belief in people that they must work to be productive members of society I feel self conscious that I don’t work or worried that I’m being “lazy”. So I guess that ends up making me feel like all the stuff I do, exercise, art, music, etc all my hobbies and stuff is pointless cause it’s not moving me in any direction. I know that’s not true really but part of me is stuck on that belief that the stuff I’m doing isn’t important or doesn’t really matter

I can't sit around wondering when this depressive episode is going to pass. It could be more days, weeks, who knows.

Through sheer will I managed to get back into my hobby.

I'm not feeling the short term relief from the depression that I usually experience, but I'm trying anyway.

My son’s paediatrician rang. His blood test results were in. He’s deficient in Vitamin B12, Vitamin D and iron. She’s still waiting on more results to come through and will ring me when she has other results in. Went to the chemist to stock up on his vitamins. Will need to get more as she gets more results in. His diet is so poor there’s no surprises there. She said try improve his diet. Easier said than done when I can count on one hand what he will eat.

Good morning, I still haven’t slept. I walked to the store. Got some stuff I needed. Then came home. Swept the floors, scooped the litterboxes, did the dishes and took out the trash. Next things on my list are to clean the sinks, clean the kitchen surfaces, vacuum, and clean the toilet. Then I’m done cleaning for today.

I got bit by some kind of bug on my knee. It itched last night now it’s a little sore when I touch it and reddish. I’ll keep an eye on it.

Anyway, I’m gonna try to practice violin later. Idk how effective I’ll be since I’m running on zero sleep but it’s better than laying around thinking about how tired I am and how I can’t sleep. That would just frustrate me more.

That’s about it for today. I have a package coming later. Some electronic screen wipes for my laptop. I also got a screen protector for it. That comes tomorrow.

Part of me wants to do everything on my list today and part of me doesn’t want to do anything and just wants to lay here in a daze till I can sleep tonight. Idk which is worse. Forcing myself to do things when I’m this exhausted or sitting around doing nothing but unable to sleep and frustrated because I’m tired

@Blue_Bird Do you take anything to help you sleep? Can you reach out to your pdoc and let him or her know you are not sleeping well and if something can be done? You accomplish a lot with no sleep! I wish I could be half as productive.

When will the aliens swing by this part of the universe looking for some slave labor? Consequences of our actions exist. Gonna avoid that rant though...

Therapy later today as a phone appointment. Ughhhhh at noon I want to make chili and have a drink followed by a nap, not do whatever DBT skills I'm supposed to learn. If I'm still tired maybe I'll just tell her I'm too tired for this bs.

I haven't even been up three hours and I already think I'm going to get back in bed.