Bipolar Check-in #82

I wrote a nice response last night, but it was deleted and I wrote it on the phone so wasn't feeling up to getting it all out.

How long were you on Adderall before the psychosis and did it feel like it helped before then? How was your headspace before the adderall vs on the adderall vs after stopping it (all outside of the bipolar episodes if you know)?

I remember in 6th grade my friend said she was on Adderall for adhd and I asked her what that was and left thinking that was normal, a made up "disorder" and they're just drugging people uselessly, and that she was a wuss for feeling "special for being normal." Either ADHD is a thing and I have it too, or I just fell into that trap later haha. But seriously, I was participating in groups (Yes, @Nammu, went to some groups). Not just shouting out some vaguely relevant stuff that would end up making the intent of the group null if they didn't reign me in (or kick me out), but actually discussing the topic. Before/after a dose is like night and day, but I didn't know night was night until I saw day. I can sit and do the same thing for more than 10 minutes, reading is 1000% easier, it doesn't take me 4 trips from the bedroom to the bathroom to get everything ready for a shower but still forget something.

I know I'm taking a risk, and I'm asking you these questions because I'm wondering just how big of a risk I'm taking. I really do not want to give this up any time soon.

(anyone else who has been on stimulants before can chime in too, if you want. It'd be appreciated )

I went to Tim Hortons this morning. Then I drove to PetSmart to see how much it would cost to get Ariel washed and groomed and her nails clipped. (She won’t let me clip her nails though she does have a couple cardboard scratching boxes.). She had a mat on her back that I kept trying to brush out but couldn’t so I went to PetSmart to see about getting her groomed. Wash and groom is $67. I didn’t make an appointment but went home and used that special curved metal hook all over her body and got the mat out! So I don’t want to spend the money to get her groomed right now. Still recovering from the hypomanic spending from last month! But one day I’ll treat her to a professional grooming session.

You guys have other violin learnin' tips? I got a hold of one a ways back and haven't really played it much. I know other instruments (guitar, bass, piano, harmonica) so the whole learning notes/keys/theory thing isn't a factor (I generally just improvise instead of play songs anyways).

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still doing the post-episode recovery thing. I saw my CM this morning for meds and she's going to see if she can find my criminal record and write a reference to get into that apartment. I have a pdoc appointment tomorrow and of course have to get meds in the AM but neither of us are confident I should be driving right now so I guess we'll have to figure that one out. It's also cool because since, I don't know, May, it seems like at least once a month on the state news channel they talk about how many more car crash fatalities there are than usual. Saw a video on fb of this dude in MA "noping tf" out of merging between highways (I think the traffic scared him) and literally reversing through the exit onto the original highway. AI and faked vids and stuff, but that doesn't seem outrageously outrageous for 495 corridor. My drive to the CMHC would have nothing like that though (maybe a dude doing like 100mph, and a sketchy forever construction zone, but no major traffic)

Yay! Muddy! Stimulants may be the only thing you need! My grandson is on them and yeah, the difference is night and day. During the summer he’s not on them to give him a break but wow, he can’t concentrate no matter how much he might want to. It’s tough. So glad to hear you participated in groups. You might not get much out of it at first but it does eventually make sense.

Moose, ha ha yeah cats are notorious for not wanting their nails cut. Took me a long , long time to learn how to do it. Wow $67! That’s a bit pricey. I see why you’re waiting on that.

As foe me I’m starting to worry I’m going down. I’m very irritable and grumpy. I walked out on the 500 game last Tuesday. They were changing the rules as we played and instead on keeping calm I lost it. I’m sleeping terribly. The only times I get sleep is when I take my old dose of 20 mg. I’m thinking of throwing myself to the mercy of my pdoc. I have no scheduled appointment it’s in January but was too far out to schedule. But I’m scared he might change my meds around. I’m not social anymore, just hiding out in my apartment.

So I started playing violin when I was in elementary school and played through middle school in my schools orchestra. Eventually I dropped it. Took a music appreciation class when I was in high school where I learned some guitar. Eventually like a year ago when I was 29 I decided to start playing violin again. My boyfriend at the time had good connections cause he has a really good guitar teacher and that’s how I found my current violin teacher. She is a performer. And her boyfriend is a professional drummer. We do zoom lessons but hopefully will meet up some day in person. I learned some keyboard and some ukulele too on my own. But I’d say with violin there’s lots of good instructional videos you can find online but once you get through the basics it would be good to find a teacher if possible because they can really guide you on what you need to work on and help you with your intonation and technique. I’d say more so than other instruments. Most instruments you can get pretty advanced with just learning on your own but violin is one where eventually most if not all people would benefit from an instructor.

I can recommend some books if you want for just starting out and can tell you the name of the scales book I started using with my teacher when we started a year ago

I can give you tips as well. I’m not a super advanced player. Maybe intermediate level. But I hope to get there someday. But I can offer you any tips and anything I learn

Here’s 4 books I’d recommend for getting started

Also I have a variety of sheet music from things like Naruto songs, Christmas songs, the game of thrones theme song, the Skyrim theme song, Zelda songs, Pokemon songs, etc if you’re interested in any of those I can scan them and send you them so you can print them

I also have some classical stuff like Vivaldis concerto in A Minor and Bachs Minuet in G

@MuddyBoots
The Adderall did make a difference in how well I read and thought (more linearly maybe?). I was on it a few years before having a manic episode and don't think it was the cause of the mania just normal bipolar crap. But IDK, I still wonder if I actually have ADHD or not. Right now, I've been able to concentrate to read, and I'm not on Adderall or anything for ADHD, but I have also gone years not being able to concentrate enough to read a single book. I do feel the racing thoughts I have associated with bipolar are better under control especially when I'm stable, and racing thoughts alone do a number on your concentration.

Learning lots of scales and intervals is good for improvisation.

The pentatonic scale is cool to improvise with

Speaking of music, my sister has a good quality keyboard with weighted keys she’s giving to me. I have a keyboard but it’s not the best quality and the keys aren’t weighted. Weighted keys are a lot better. So I’m excited about that.

Ariel is taking a nap on the bed. I’m kind of bored. Nobody is texting me or calling me back. Caleb isn’t answering. My sister just bounced my call! Ugh. My mom is probably taking a late nap as she’s home now but hasn’t called me back like she said she would. Therapy tomorrow! I get a whole hour to talk! Then I have to reschedule my therapy on the 30th for some other time because I’m having that 4-hour appointment for my allergies. It will be good to know why mouth burns so badly sometimes when I eat!

I have a weighted-key keyboard (well, digital piano) and I love it. Adjusting the sound is tricky on my model (it's weird compared to others I've fiddled with), but when I get it, it sounds great. I still haven't quite learned how to deal with some of the keys sticking (every A. Literally every A.). I've looked up some solutions, but everything I've found was for actual pianos.

I hope you like your keyboard! It's nice to get that piano-thing going without occasionally going through a wormhole in a clown car to tune it.

I totally didn't do a thing today. I didn't do laundry or take a shower or eat much or even get out of bed. I just grabbed a few snacks from my pantry and a few Kool Aid juice boxes from my stash on the floor. Its this Zofran. Its really hitting me in the rear. I swear you can get different generics with different side effects or something.

I feel awful. Walking my dog three times a day is exhausting me. I wanted to go to a street festival and i couldn't because i'm so sore and have to save my energy for my dog. It's a big adjustment, also keeping to a schedule of 8:30am, 2:30pm, and 8:30pm. Yesterday my dog couldn't wait for her scheduled breaks and i ended up taking her out four or five times. Getting a dog is one of the worst hypomania-induced mistakes i've made. She's tolerating her schedule better today tho. Hopefully she'll adjust. *I* have to adjust too.

My mood is unstable too, with the change of seasons. I had such an unusually active week. The soaring hope of making a friend with B, and the agony of realizing it's not real has really made me feel hopeless.

I'm thinking of using alcohol to cope. My mom was a functional alcoholic. It worked for her. I can tell it would be easy for me to become an alcoholic because the rare time i drink i am haunted by the taste for days afterward.

I'm so frustrated and miserable...

I think i'll just focus on my dog this week and not do any other activities, just walk her and rest. There. That's a plan for the better.

My family wants me to get a dog but I'm hesitant just for the reason you mentioned...that you have to take your dog out up to several times a day.

I can go days without leaving the house because I feel so low, I can't imagine having to go out every day.

I hope that you're able to manage with your dog, I'm sure he/she appreciates your efforts.

Hey everyone!

Been a long week, but I am glad it ended with a night with my friends Beetlejuice!! I loved it more than I thought I would. We also had some Mexican at a place and this lady passed by our table and I got a big whiff of pure liquor and it completely rocked me at my core. It shook me up so bad because it brought back so many memories of my past and addiction. I don't recommend alcohol @JaneOnceMore - being bipolar and drinking is what destroyed nearly half of my life.

Spent the day at my parents today which was good - saw that awful movie "Heart of Stone" with Gal Gadot (I love her so this was a total shame), with my dad - I don't know why they are making these movies that just paste together all the action movies we grew up watching years ago - there is no more original ideas in Hollywood and it's just so sad. Halle Barry and Mark Walhberg did one on Netflix recently, and it was god awful like this too - it's like they don't even read scripts anymore, ugh.

Anyway, looking forward to a really busy week - but it's really good seeing you guys! Hope you get some sleep @Nammu - I am thinking of you - and @MuddyBoots so good to see you back!! You sound so much better.

@Scooter9:

Thanks for the support. I know we're all supposed to adore our pets, and i do love her, i just didn't consider the reality of how demanding her daily care would be. I was flying high on hypomania when i got her, and she's so cute, everyone says so, complete strangers comment on it, i fell in love with her right away.

Then reality set in. I tried to give her away several times when she was young, but she is really attached to me, and couldn't adjust. She'll be twelve soon so perhaps there are just max four more years with her -- not that i want her to die, but i am looking forward to having my freedom again.

I hesitated to be honest about how stressed i am with her care, but if i widened your eyes as to the reality of caring for a dog, i am pleased. My doctor says dogs keep us healthy, and it is only the second week of walking her regularly so it could improve. He DOES have a point -- the exercise and outdoors are good for me.

Doubt i'll feel that way in the dead of Winter tho.

I've got a couple of things on my mind tonight:

One of them is trying to figure out if some of the things I've been struggling with recently are only a result from my abandonment wound getting triggered, if I've actually been in a mixed episode and it's paranoia, or a combination of the two. I went through a few days where I was convinced every one of my homeroom students hates me. I'm still worried they don't like me, but I'm more grounded about it (if that makes sense-I'm not completely spiraling but the fear is still there). Some of it is definitely abandonment wound stuff, but my paranoia can also present as being convinced absolutely no one in my life likes me or wants me around and I've been struggling with that. I don't think I've had any other manic symptoms though so maybe it's just abandonment stuff.

The other thing is it hit me that last September I also wasn't in a great space. I've never thought my symptoms were related to seasonal changes, but maybe there is a connection to that and/or transitioning back to school.

So I woke up anxious this morning. Did 2 hours of marking, entered the results online and put comments. Then did an hour of housework. Washed the animals bedding. Will do the floors tomorrow. Then took my son to the mall bought him some socks and myself a donut. Just got home and had a salad for lunch. Seems a bit contradictory to the donut but oh well. I hope my partner appreciates me tidying up the lounge this morning because it was an outrageous mess. I still have my bedroom to tidy up. Just bits and bobs out of place. Oh I had a bath this morning even though I really didn’t want to so I’m pleased about that.

I keep seeing these anxiety ads on Facebook. It’s learned I’m anxious. So many tools out there but I’m not prepared to pay for them when I don’t know how good they are. I see a new psychologist next week. Hoping he’s good.

Good morning. I slept really well. Feel better. A little less paranoid. Just up enjoying some coffee while I decide what to do today. I’m gonna practice violin but other than that I’m not sure. Most likely finish up season 1 of supernatural. Read/finish my current book. Watch some more of the Disney Halloweentown movie. And play some videogames. I guess I should get on the treadmill too.

Tomorrow I’m facilitating the bingo game for the seniors. I’m anxious about it. Even though I did it last month. I still get anxious. I’m just gonna do my best. It’ll be over before I know it. Wednesday there’s a nutrition class I’m going to. Thursday I’m going to the library to return some dvds. Saturday I have a violin lesson. And Sunday I am going to that cafe again. That’s the plans for the week. Other than that try to keep up with practicing violin, exercising, reading, meditating, journaling, keeping my apartment clean. And making sure I sleep every night.

I've had better mornings. I slept well last night & jogged & walked. However, on my walk home, I tripped on the stupid uneven sidewalk. It was a hard fall because I was power walking. I skinned my knees & elbow, but worst of all, I chipped 2 teeth, one of the big front teeth & the one next to it a little. So I have to go to the dentist. I have severe dental anxiety even when I just go for cleanings & X-rays because my teeth are not the best. Probably my foray into EDs had something to do with it, plus I grind my teeth at night & can't keep a nightguard in (always spit it out overnight). Then, I spilled my coffee. I had boiled an egg as part of my breakfast, and somehow I managed to crush the egg between my hands as I was fixing to crack it (egg was still warm so it was softer than if it had been refrigerated first).

I hope I can get a dental appt. today. The office opens at 8:30, so I'll call then. I really hope my tooth will be OK. I am less worried about the chip than if the tooth will die or something because of the pressure on it when I hit the sidewalk falling. I don't understand why the city doesn't fix the sidewalks. They are a hazard to walk on.