Bipolar Check-in #82

@Blueberrybook Sending my best wishes that your mom's oncology appointment comes out with no news take care of yourself and remind yourself worrying isn't going to change the outcome, and if the outcome is good, great! If it's not, you guys can/will tackle it as best as you can. I know you'll still be anxious, but realizing it's a thing that in the immediate present you have no control over might take that down some.

Yeah, I just made an appointment with my pdoc to discuss everything. I’m really going off on people. Blah. It just feels like a chore to deal with people. Don’t know if it entirely the lack of sleep or something else brewing. But I sent a note I’m considering a therapist too. Don’t know what a therapist could do, I’m done with trauma stuff. It’s just dealing with personalities. I have no patience right now. And my pdoc is convinced that a large part of my stability is sleep.

I’m redecorating my apartment this week.

These are the things I’m getting for it , I’ll do this in a couple separate posts because it will only let me upload 4 pics at a time

These are slip covers for the armchair and loveseat, a fall blanket, and a new lamp

Hope everything is fine with your mom.

Yeah I did request an appointment. I see him Oct 9th. Just two weeks. The irritatablity has been going on for a while. Really really want to run away to the northwoods.

@Nammu -You are right about sleep.; sleep does affect my stability A LOT as well. My sleep starts sliding, here comes trouble with my bipolar. I know you don't want to become too dependent on ambien, but at least for the time being, could you consider taking your fully prescribed dose nightly? Even if it's just for the short term? I am glad you are going to see your pdoc.

Curtains for my living room (the teal ones) and curtains for my bedroom

And throw pillow covers. Plus not pictured the memory foam throw pillow inserts

I figured it’s time for a refresh

Oo pretty. My daughter get covers for her throw pillows. Right now she’s got autumn, come Christmas she’ll have Santa and candles. Then after Christmas winter scenes. So same pillows but they look new every season. I love the teal curtains, so pretty.

Awesome! I’ll likely do that too!

I'm so nervous, I'm hoping they forgot about it and I don't have to do it today and someone else steps in to do it. Not that I technically HAVE to do it, but occasionally I do it. The bingo games. I feel on the verge of a panic attack and don't think I can stand up in a room full of people calling out bingo numbers. It's uncomfortable. I honestly don't even know if I'm supposed to do it today, like they didn't ask me to but I feel like they might assume I'm doing it because I did one of the ones last month. Idk

I might just go to sleep. Regardless if I show up or not the program manager will end up doing it, no one is really required to do it.

Just logged on to read everyone’s comments.

I NEED to go shower now and wash my hair but I don’t feel like it but my hair is overdue!

Wish me luck when I log back on I would have showered and have clean hair.

I won’t mention all the clothes I need to wash or my bedroom that needs tidying up

One small thing at a time. Right off to wash my hair. Ughhhhhhh.

Celebrating the small wins. I just washed my hair!!!!!!

]I got all my laundry done and everything put away besides my boxers and socks. Which I hate folding so I just left them in a basket. I found a Carhartt hoodie I forgot about. I also got my room deep cleaned a bit. I cleaned up my food rack and my TV stand. I do have more energy it seems.



But overall things have been fine today. I'm waiting for the AGT finale to be on in about 50 minutes. Crookshanks is doing ok. He is still not totally himself but he is gobbling up the wet food which is good. Gary keeps trying to snatch it and he was also trying to bother Crookshanks last night. Gary is a bit of a menace.

Idk. I just feel more energized in a good way without the 20mg Geodon. I wish they would have just let me go off it cold turkey, but I'm following their orders.

Whatever elevated mood i had last week disappeared today with the arrival of cold weather. I tolerated it well, even found it refreshing, but i dozed in the morning, a sign of the return to mild depression. I sat out with my dog after her afternoon walk and tried to be mindful of nature, with success. I walked slower and shorter distances today and don't feel so destroyed. I was cheered up by jokes i found online this evening.

"Just because i'm trash doesn't mean i can't achieve great things. After all, it's a garbage can, not a garbage cannot!"

"Not to brag or anything, but i haven't had a mood swing in, like, seven minutes!"

"Do mood swings and running away from my problems count as exercise?"

"I'm proud to say i never make the same mistakes twice. I make them many more times, just to be sure!"

One more week until my therapist is back! What a long 6 weeks.

Well, we're not moving now. The house had significant issues at inspection that made it too expensive. This has been stressful and my anxiety level is very high. I feel like I have whiplash. But we're taking a break from house-hunting for a while (I'll believe this when I see it) and hopefully things will feel better soon.

My next big stress is that my Emsam patches are at my pdoc's office. I get them through patient assistance and they have to be shipped there. I was supposed to have an appointment last Friday and that would have been great to pick them up but she had to cancel. So I've been trying to work out getting them without a 5 hour drive there and back for 3 minutes of running in to the office. The secretary is saying she'll talk to my pdoc but I've not heard anything. She is hesitant to mail them because the last time she did they were mailed without postage. But that was over a year ago and is one of many times meds were sent to me. In the meantime I'm getting closer and closer to needing to cut patches to get my dose and that's not the best, especially when I have patches sitting there waiting for me. I really hope this is resolved somehow tomorrow.

Next up is clozaril refill time. I'm stressed just thinking of it and that's not fair. It works smoothly about 40% of the time. I need to call the refill in and I'll know by tomorrow afternoon if I'm going to have issues.

I wish my therapy appointment was about 3 hours long....

I’ve slept on and off most of this afternoon. Haven’t left my bedroom. But I did tidy it up a bit so it feels more cozy.

I feel ok today. I slept good last night. My moods and anxiety are pretty much fine and my energy levels are good. My stomach was kinda weird this morning but its better now. I don't have any plans for today.

@Crazy Hitch small wins, wooo!!!

@JaneOnceMore I love those jokes, I've told others the "it's garbage CAN, not garbage CANNOT" one, and it usually gets a good response. I think you were taking a break during this time, but I had a sig similar to the mistake one.

@BeyondtheRainbow Med frustrations. All too relatable. I had two pdocs that wanted to put me on/keep me on clozaril, and I tried explaining to them the frustrations of getting the lab, the docs (that I am constantly switching), and the pharmacy (and of course only one pharmacy here carries it) to communicate and never getting meds on time. I wasn't super into meds at the time either and didn't want to put so much effort into that every week until it turned into every month and so on anyways.

---

I did some writing this morning. I remembered some more stuff that I wish I don't remember (or wish didn't happen really). It was one of those nightmare filled nights when you wake up and get in the shower and just cry until the hot water runs out hoping you get uterine and breast cancer just so you need a hysterectomy and double mastectomy (which I know is really fked up, but shower thoughts. Post traumatic shower thoughts, but shower thoughts.).

My skin doesn't feel like skin.

I tried grounding myself more in the day, but that fking memory likes coming back so I'm just rolling with it and listening to Kristy are you doing okay (Offspring) and Triggered (Skydxddy) until therapy later today. It's not going to be a skills working day, just an unload day. I need it.

How tf is yesterday the greatest and today the worst? Oh yeah.......

@BeyondtheRainbow
Sorry about all the house drama. That would all be stressful to me too. And sorry about your pharmacy stresses. I really hate that. I know it was a big issue for me back when I was on Adderall and especially if my doctor ever changed the Adderall dosage before the 4 week mark. It really stressed me out.

@MuddyBoots
I am so sorry you are dealing with traumatic memories. I've had days like that, dealing with repeated flashbacks, and it sucks. I think everyone with trauma just wishes they could forget it ever happened. You sound like you are in a much better mindset lately despite bad memories & flashbacks; hopefully you can start processing some of this stuff in therapy.

My morning has been low key: just the usual--walked & jogged, shower, breakfast, laundry, finished reading my book and about to start another.

I am enjoying what I am pretty sure has been my longest period of stability in years, maybe not exactly for my anxiety/panic but at least for my bipolar. It makes me wonder when the other shoe is going to drop. Any time something stressful happens, I get prone to a mood shift, and God only knows life is full of stressful events. I really just need to enjoy the respite for now and work on healthy channels for stress & anxiety.

I took the full dose of sleeping pills again. Finally, third times the charm they say. I woke up at 10am and had messages on my phone. One was my daughter asking me to come tomorrow instead of today. The other was the friend I got mad at a week ago. She tried to change the rules of the game. Because I was so tired and irritable I just walked away. Haven’t been socializing with anyone. She tried to make it about her being the victim. I shut that down. Oo. No you don’t. You don’t get to lie and then get an apology.

Hello, I didn’t call bingo yesterday. Someone else did. I don’t think I was even supposed to because no one called me down or asked if I could so it worked out.

I am having a slow morning/early afternoon. There’s a nutrition class in the community room at 1:30pm I’m gonna go to.

Other than that not much going on today. Might get some takeout later. And watch Inside Out 2 on Disney plus since it just was released in there. I didn’t get a chance to see it in theater so now it’s on Disney plus and I can watch it. I liked the first one.

My mood is pretty good. Not much going on the rest of the week. I have a violin lesson on Saturday that’s about it though. Have a lot of time I can spend reading

Actually I might go to that cafe/bakery on Sunday and use up the rest of my gift card and get another caramel macchiato and chocolate cannolis