Please help my future wife

>I can tell you care and I appreciate that! Over a year ago, we had lunch, and then I visited one Saturday.

After the visit, and calling each other every day, we realized there was serious chemistry.

She was unbelievably distraught at deceiving me and not revealing that she was married, and sought to end the relationship immediately.

After a rough couple of weeks, we agreed to see each other Saturdays when he was at work, and in the process, we became closer and closer.

After a month, she revealed her bipolar illness to me and I was determined to learn all I could about it.

She has never requested money nor have I offered. As a matter of fact, I purchased Christmas gifts for her last year, which she asked me to save for her until we live together.

To prove I was serious, I gave her a diamond engagement ring, but she has made it clear that if things change between us, I can ask for it back.

Looking at it from all angles, it seems procrastination and fear are what is keeping us apart.

That said, everyone has limits, and I may be nearing mine.

From the help and advice I have received here, I've realized that I have done all I can possibly do, and now its up to her. If she truly wants this she has to make a greater effort.

Its a sad day, but sometimes, sadness brings clarity.

If she'd betray her current husband, she'd betray you. There are lots of advantages to being single. I'm divorced and i'd never get married again. I like the independence and freedom and never having to negotiate and compromise over every little thing and not having to answer to anyone but myself and making all my own decisions. You're a man of years, you didn't get here by not being able to take care of yourself. Why complicate things at this late stage of the game?

Even though you didn’t directly give her money, you got her diamond ring, saved ton of money to support her, redecorated snd customized your house. And you aren’t even a couple!

She costs you money all while she lives comfortably married to someone else. She’s not in danger yet chooses to live a life of lie and deceit. And I’d refrain from calling her fiancée and talk about engagement. You can’t be engaged to married people

Them sleeping in separate bedrooms doesn’t mean anything. It’s not uncommon and doesn’t make them less married. Him being older is irrelevant too. You are older too. Would it justify her cheating on you too? A woman is dishonest. Meeting up with men while her husband is at work? Gross

Why’d you want to be with someone like that

I often say the same thing to myself. I have a nearly perfect life. The only problem is, I found the first woman in my life I have ever truly loved. That throws A big, rusty monkey wrench into the machine.

She married him for money and security. There has never been intimacy, and they have slept in separate rooms since day one. She now realized there can be much more to life and has decided to change her life before its too late.

Sometimes staring face to face with the truth is painful, but the truth doesn't blink.

I've made the decision to stop certain behavior. I will no longer buy anything for her, and I am considering asking for the ring back. I only hesitate because of her mental state, and I don't want to throw her into an anxiety attack.

We have discussed the cheating in length. Of recently, I've denied her of the fun weekends we used to have stating that from now on, I'll just wait to see her until she is ready to commit permanently.

The worse thing that will happen is I may finally shut the door completely and my heart is broken in a million pieces. Its not the worst scenario I can imagine. At least my man-parts work stupendously well, and I could start over.

You only know what she tells you. Since she lies to her husband, she likely lies to you too.

If it’s true snd she really married him just for money, what does it say about her? Using people for money? Nothing honorable.

Its complicated. For a lot of her adult life, she self-medicated. This clouded her judgement and negated the effects of her medication.

I believe for the first time in her life she is clear-headed and making the right decisions. it is very difficult after a lifetime of making the wrong ones.

This sounds codependent to me. You might try Al-anon.

She hasn't had a drink in over 12 years. I think, at least on that point, we are good.

In the past, this is how she overcame bipolar fear. Now she's clear-headed and doesn't have that crutch.

All of you have been so much help, and I appreciate the support. I haven't had anyone I could talk to about her bipolar disorder until now. I've read books, but this is help on a much higher level.

Thank you!

Brian she’s not cleared headed or is making right decisions. People who make right decisions don’t conduct secret affairs. For over a year? And planning to dump him with no heads up? This isn’t the right decision is any shape or form

Sometimes making a decision can be difficult, even for people like me.

Difficult decisions.

Thank you

Yes it’s not easy. When in doubt how to proceed, do the the right thing. If you really focus, you’ll know what the right thing is. Yes doing the right thing is often very hard. Good luck

I see it two ways.

One, I have a nearly perfect life. 64, never married, money in the bank, no debts, 2 cars, gun cabinet full. Good health, and my man-parts work stupendously.

But..... This is the first woman I ever fell in love with.

What a conundrum!

If it ain't broke, don't fix it!

Well attraction to unavailable people isn’t uncommon. You might want to investigate why the only woman you have feelings for and want to pursue is unavailable one.

I agree, but it IS broke. I'm lonely. I've studied the heck out of bipolar, maybe I should seek out a bipolar woman. I certainly know enough be be of some help!

BTW

Tucson, Arizona...

Go volunteer for the election. You will meet like minded people.

I don't like how she's using her bipolar diagnosis as an excuse for her actions. 🙄

What I'm thinking is that if she truly wants to be with you the rest of her life, it should be a no-brainer on her part - get the divorce and move in & marry you. I agree she is using her bipolar as an excuse and meanwhile you're spinning your wheels.

You sound like a great person, and there are other fish in the sea.

I've sent her your well thought out personal message, and she accused me of attacking her and sharing details about her life that she didn't want revealed.

She also said I didn't mention my own faults, which are numerous. To be fair and balanced, early on in our relationship, I drank (not to excess) and I quit, out of respect for her past self-medicating. I smoked cigars, and stopped.

I also had a habit of sometimes losing my temper, which I have 100% succeeded in correcting. She gave me a list of 8 things wrong with me last valentine's day, which I've mostly corrected, except for my tendency to be too blunt, which I have not been able to correct.

I am by no means a saint, but I've done my best to correct my faults.

She is currently encouraging me to leave her and move on, but, as she is the only woman I have ever truly loved in 64 years, I find this impossible.

Now she's gaslighting you?

She's the one who's cheating on her husband.

She has no interest in moving in with you. You are a toy she amuses herself with. It’s time to drop her and move on.

She's a good woman. I've been accused (rightly) of being a man-*****, and I've know a lot of women. She's been honest with me, but she's bipolar and has high anxiety.

She just needs help with crippling fear of change. If anyone reading this knows how to defeat this fear in a bipolar person, please chime in. If she beats this fear she will have a happy life.

I guess certain words are censored here. The word that was censored refers to a man that is sort of a male prostitute of sorts.

There is nothing about her that suggests she’s bipolar. Bipolar is not the crippling fear of change it is a mood disorder.

To quote Spock; Having is not so pleasing a thing, after all as wanting. She has a husband and security but she wants more. She plays with you.