My manic month

A couple months ago I was manic and racked up my credit card so high that I’m unable to pay it off in one month. I can only pay so much a month because of my regular bills. I feel terrible that I was manic a whole month and racked up to much debt. I get my bipolar study money next month and I’m going to put that toward the payment. I feel remorse and guilt and anxiety. I usually run a tight ship with my bills. I’m not using that card but recurring charges show up on it that happen every month. I’m not using that card anymore. My mom has my other credit card so I can’t use it. It used to be attached to my starbucks account but I removed the card and deleted the app and my starbucks account altogether! It was just too easy to hit reload and go there every day. Luckily that card balance is now zero! Is this the regret that follows mania?

I've never racked up any debt while manic and most of my hypo episodes have been benign (as in I didn't get into any trouble), but during the worst manic episode of my life I literally lost everything in a single action (that was acted upon out of rage).

I don't feel regret about it because I was REALLY manic and psychotic and not myself at the time. I DO feel guilty despite that though, even if I know I shouldn't. I felt like a monster for quite a while after the event.

But we have to look at it this way - WE WEREN'T OURSELVES AT THE TIME.

Sure, some actions are controllable. I'm not saying they're not, but we really were out of our minds. Out of control.

So try not to feel bad and just move forward. Take steps to make sure it doesn't happen again (like maybe once your credit debt is paid off cancel that card and just keep the one your mom has so you can only use it in emergency situations, in case you get manic again).

🫂 ❤️

^^This

Mania (and psychosis) happens, and part of that is being impulsive and doing things out of character without an ounce of taking consequences into mind. We just gotta heal from the episode and learn from it what to look out for and what to do/not to do when things start heading south again. Using this, maybe we can skillfully avoid making the same mistakes, cut an episode short, or prevent it all together.

I’m usually good at being intuitive and having good insight with my symptoms and Pdocs have praised me for this but this last six months I have zero clue!

ive been up and cycling since end of july. idk how to process whats happening with me even tonight im pissed off bc my husband is using my markers

Used my credit card to run a load of laundry at my apartment. Glad I have clean clothes for tomorrow.

Yeah, sometimes there's a lot going on and noticing symptoms can be easier or harder during various times. There's been times (ok, I remember A time) I've averted an episode just by saying "hey, trouble sleeping and quick thoughts," and they upped my lithium and bam, no "I broke a window in a NH winter and further traumatized myself by getting myself into a position the po-po (redacted)" instances.

ahh, if only I could go back on lithium....

do you do any journaling or mood charting or anything? Mood charting is really difficult to use to catch episodes if you have emotional dysregulation for any other reason, but if you have a baseline that's comparable to people that don't need meds or therapy to stay out of the hospital or jail, it could be useful to see things trending up or down.

I used to journal daily but haven't lately and I think that's why I've sucked at knowing if things are more BP or life stuff or related to less episodic comorbidities. Mood charting kinda sucks if you have straight up emotional dysregulation, but if I journal, I can look at content, volume, tone, and handwriting and kinda see what's going on...I should get back to that.

A good support system should help you out too as long as they're trustworthy.