Bipolar Check-in #83

I feel for you @Nammu - you've always been my biggest supporter on here, and it hurts my heart to hear you struggling. I am glad you called 988 - it's important. I remember you used to do so many activities in your community and building, and was curious as to why you haven't in a while. Is it something you can get back into? We're here for you like Jane said, this is the best place to check in and share how you're feeling. You know we all love you so much.

I am having a real issue with this sleep thing too - I don't know if it's the weather or what's going on, but I am just SO tired all day and wide awake in bed after just a couple of hours of sleep - the CPAP or the meds aren't even helping - I think I am building some kind of tolerance to my sleep aids. I am going to ask my pdoc for a little more hydroxyzine since I have been on the same dose for almost 3 years. Something has got to give.

On the upside, had a very fun filled weekend with my good friend that stayed over, but it was so exhausting. Then another friend is coming to stay over next weekend, but it should be a lot of fun because there is a Halloween Fair and a Fall Festival next Saturday. I'll try to go to one or both. Just so darn tired though, ugh, lol.

Oh my god. SO many submissions to read for the ezine. I'm accepting into January now. Our little ezine is getting noticed. We were mentioned in a podcast and listed in Duotrope (hence suddenly getting SO many submissions!). I was reading submissions for four hours straight and I'm still not caught up.

Mood-wise I still feel like crying, but hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow. My SI thoughts aren't too bad, so that's good. Didn't tell my hormones obsessed therapist about those because I was worried she'd commit me. She's done it in the past. And the hospital would NOT be good for me right now. All I would do is sit there and cry and miss my family and go through med withdrawal and my anxiety would skyrocket.

My therapist recommended I hold off on writing that letter/text to my mom expressing my feelings about our non existent relationship and how she fukked me up until I start to feel better again, and that's probably a good idea.

@Nammu I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad. I hope the Seroquel helps. It worked rapidly for me when I went on it for sleep. I think maybe even the first night. The tablets are tiny. I have to cut them into 4ths so I have my PRN doses. That's a good time....I don't know why they don't make 25 mg tablets. I am so glad 988 was helpful. I hope you get a very restful night. Are you going to celebrate your grandson's birthday tomorrow?


I think I'm going to sleep tonight. I'm getting tired and that's a good sign. Now to control the nightmares.


I keep wondering if I should reduce the dose of my AD patch but I don't think I'm manicky. I can sit still for a long time. I just watched an entire college football game, beginning to end and even though it was loud I was able to enjoy it. I couldn't do that if manicky. I'm anxious, have some racing thoughts from that, but I'm not agitated. Those things are just the signs that I'm fine as far are my mood being up.

That’s so great to hear!

Just got back from a 2 hour party my son went to. So. Freaking. Tired.

@Nammu thinking about you I'm glad 988 helped, and I hope you were able to get some rest. We care about you and want to support you as best as we can. Your struggles are valid!

Didn't sleep a hell of a lot last night. Was out on the streets walking early this morning pre-dawn (I mean, it is still pre-dawn, but I mean a couple hours ago pre-dawn). I've been taking melatonin and drinking lavender chamomile tea before bed, and I can usually fall asleep by 10, but I'm up by 1. I hope my pdoc is in the office tomorrow (I don't even know if they're open) and she gives me a call back. This morning I had a bit of a freak out OOHHH THE SKIES ARE VIBRANT PINK ALL OF A SUDDEN!!!! but I'm having one of those "hate being female" days where I just want to rip/cut any female organ off/out. That's kinda why I went out for a walk. It's like 30 out (our little Mt Washington already got 5" of snow over the weekend!) and the cool air helps me a lot.

They do make Seroquel 25 mg, well the generic of quetiapine. At least, I've had them in the past. Maybe you can ask your pdoc about them. Cutting a 50 or 100 mg in 4ths would be difficult, I think. I don't like having to cut any tablet more than into halves.

Good morning. I slept 6 hours 15 minutes last night. Not enough but better than nothing.

Not sure what I’m doing today. Might practice ukulele and/or violin. And might draw as well. I’ll have to decide what to draw. Probably something still life. I need to do something other than watch shows cause I’ve been binge watching shows and movies lately. I need to do something more creative and productive.

I decided to quit coffee. I was drinking 6 plus cups a day every single day. I feel like it was making my anxiety and irritability and sleep worse. So I threw the rest of mine away today and am not getting any more.

I feel kinda blah today. Mostly physically. Not quite sure why, but I was really sick around 2 this morning. I finally took a shower for the first time since last Monday.

I have this random memory of being real little and getting sick in the middle of the night. Maybe it wasn't the middle of the night, because my parents were up. But I was less then 3. I think I got sick from a Baskin Robbins clown cone. All I remember is my parents getting me in the tub and then my brother getting in too. Lol. My parents were trying to focus on me so they didn't really try to stop him. But idk. Clown cones never appealled to me after that.

Sorry about the random story.

I'm so sorry you're struggling @Nammu. Did the Seroquel help you sleep? For me, it's a wonderful sleep aid though I don't have much benefit for sleep any more until I'm at 150 mg or up. Right now I'm on 300 mg because of otherwise becoming manic and/or psychotic. I wish I were on a bit less because I think I'd be a little less tired when I wake. I think I could sleep 12 hr if it weren't for my cat and my alarm clock.

As for me though I slept well last night (around 8 hr), I'm still feeling down from a week ago.



I definitely don't have seasonal depression as it's still hot here though getting darker earlier as the days get shorter. I don't even know if it's possible to get seasonal depression here as winter tends to be very mild; last year it didn't even get down to freezing as a low.

Hoping I'll snap out of it. I am wondering if it could be hormones at play too since I'm approaching perimenopause age. Still waiting to exercise as my pulled muscle is still hurting; I figure if it is still going on in a month I'll see a doctor. It's not so bad I can't get around the house or out to the car but it is too much to even take a leisurely walk around the block.

I feel like passing out and my blood pressure is 144/99 and my pulse is 116. My mom is visiting family right now and shes having a really fun time and I don't want to concern her or make her think she needs to come home. So I'm just waiting for it to pass on its own. I don't think this is like ER bad. I'll take it again in a bit.

I wonder if I’m just getting too used to my ADHD meds. I took my Ritalin this morning and passed out and woke up just before my second dose. My sleep is getting really screwy and I can’t have that.

@Blueberrybook I think seasonal depression is more related to lack of sunlight than cold temps. I know down South doesn’t lose a hell of a lot of daylight, but maybe it’s enough to trigger some depressive symptoms for someone with bipolar.

This. They gave me 25mg of Quetiapine . I took one at midnight, another one at 12:45, but it didn’t work. I lay there for hours. I did fall asleep sometime in the early hours. But when I got up this morning I was hung over and could barely keep my eyes open. The effects wore off around noon. So 12 hours of being a mental zombie but not much help for sleep. Tonight I’m taking two at the same time and seeing if that works better.

I have two things I’m supposed to do today I I don’t want to do either of them. Go to my grandson’s birthday dinner 40 minutes away after dark. And there’s also a potluck here at the building. Oh, they are so noisy.

I want to thank everyone who responded to my post. It means so much to me. It’s hard for me to share just how depressed I’ve gotten. I’ve been in denial and until yesterday when I was thinking of unliving myself I just didn’t appreciate the depression side of bipolar. There’s nothing in my life to be depressed about. Yes I hate the darkness and dread the fall back in November. But that alone can’t account for the depth of my depression. It’s the bipolar. I suppose I’m over due. I’ve been stable now for soo many years.

My first therapy appointment is not until December tho I am on a waiting list.

So thank you everyone

I'm getting so discouraged I've only been getting one new member a day on my Facebook group but I'm putting a lot of time into getting resources and researching for it. I'm not good at advertising and no one has started talking.

So glad to see you @Nammu - I know how the winter months can be for people. I feel that way too - it's been that way for years. Just the early darkness, the cold, the just inevitabilty of the whole thing coming down on me is just so overwhelming sometimes. I am sorry you feel bad too @Blueberrybook - sometimes when we are stable for a long time it feels like we are indeed overdue for something - I often wonder about that - for me, Easter is that time for me because I ALWAYS used to get hospitalized around that time, and it would be so detrimental and drastic.

Hugs to you guys, I am so glad you are at least posting so we can see how you all are. I love our little check-in thread here because it helps us all feel a little accountable for each other and we can come together as a bipolar community and support each other - it is needed so much; we really have to stick together.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Sunday - I said a prayer for all of you in church this morning, I hope things get better for us, and we get through this winter.

Well good news. They contacted me just now to say a sooner time was available. Dec 2nd. So I clicked on it. It’s only two weeks sooner but I’ll take it. Somehow 50 days sounds more accessible than 60 days. There’s always the possibility that a sooner appointment comes up.

Glad you can get in a little sooner, @Nammu. I understand not taking the depressive side as seriously as the manic side. It does feel safer when you're not in any sort of major episode looking at it rationally, and of course docs tend to downplay it as long as it's not mixed, psychotic, and/or actively suicidal. Depression is very real and awful though. I also know you're a very strong person, and that you'll get through it like the badass inspiration you are

That makes sense. My mom had a story when she was a kid she ate a bunch of those oatmeal crème pies (little Debbie’s ) and threw up and after that she couldn’t stand even the smell of them. Even years later.

Glad you were able to take a shower, I took one today too. It felt really good.