Bipolar Check-in #83

I had trouble sleeping last night. That's rare for me. So today all i did was doze with "Ozark" playing. It was really nice.

Hugs to all in need!

Hiking did help, and it was full on winter about 1,000ft higher in elevation than that pic! I got to use my microspikes on some icy slabs and I feel amazzzzing. It was my first 4k'er in years, and I'm so happy to know I can still physically do them (I mean this was probably of the top 5 easiest of the 48, but still, 2,000ft of elevation gain in 2.3mi (and then back!) is pretty good!)(Also arguably the worst footing of any hike I've done, but maybe I'm forgetting some hikes)

Dealing with the whole is it possibly a heart attack thing again. and my chest feels weird. I'm also coughing a lot so maybe I'm just starting to get the covid. Its better when I lie on my right side. My blood pressure is 132/82 and my pulse is 91.

Could also be heartburn. Or anxiety from lack of valium. Even though I still don't feel the need to take one. Maybe I'll try some Tums.

I am so out of shape I am very achy just from cleaning out the dishwasher. Idk what to do. Any sort of physical activity causes massive pain and other stuff that will show up on Xrays.

I remember at 23 doing a 12 hour black friday shift, sleeping for 10 hours, then spending all the next day shopping. Now at 31 I'm just barfy and achy all the time.

All I have are dumb melatonin tums

I keep coughing though even with Tums and my throat feels funny. But the heart attack stuff went away. I just made that horse sound while coughing. I'll test in the morning if I still feel like crap.

I finally see my pdoc tomorrow. I imagine I'll be on 100 mg of Seroquel at night and maybe 50 mg PRN. Something has to happen. I forgot to tell my therapist I had this appointment which is too bad; he may have wanted to send her an email. Oh well. Fridays aren't my usual days to see her so I just forgot..

Still really tired. We went and voted today or I would have taken a nap. As it was the timing wasn't right for a nap without missing supper. I need a few things from Walmart and I should have gone today since I have pdoc tomorrow but I forgot about pdoc and so I guess I'll go Saturday. I mostly just need blueberries so that's not the end of the world, just something I eat every day and will miss having. I suppose I can survive though .

I’ve been checking interactions and stuff since I get really hung over if I use 50 mg of seroquel. Found that seroquel, latuda and gabapentin together can cause increased sedation and are to be used cautiously in seniors over 65. I have a hangover sleepiness that lasts until noon or 3pm. So I can only take 25 mg. The half-life is 6-7 hours but it takes 35 hours to completely leave. So that means it builds up. Tomorrow I need to be in Rochester at noon, so no seroquel at all for me tonight. I need to be able to drive. On the other hand the AD effect is building up and I need that, I think. I’m feeling somewhat better since sleeping. I went out tonight with a friend. It wasn’t long, just dinner. But we had a good time and when we got back. We sat in the community room taking to a few people. I’m still having a hard time around people so maybe the AD effect will help? But it’s such a small dose I don’t know.

I met the most caring and empathetic gp today. Turns out she knows my psychiatrist they used to work together! She wants to help me on my recovery to wellness and wants to see me every second week. She noticed my hands were shaking because I was nervous. She asked if I get heart palpitations and I said yes. She is going to give me meds next time to help with that. I’m seeing her on Tuesday for a double session. Such a sharp contrast to to the old gp I used to see where I could barely wait to get out his office!

KMFDM show was a lot of fun. 😁 Dinner with my parents was pleasant enough. My mom behaved herself, even after drinking a margarita. When we got home I started sneezing and my eyes started running and I couldn't stop blowing my nose, so I'm having an allergic reaction to something. 🤧 Took two benadryl but my nose is still itchy and I have a massive headache, and I think I'm going to sneeze again.

I never did get in contact with my psychiatrist and she only works Monday through Wednesday. Oh well. I have an appointment with her next week, and I have my usual therapist appointment tomorrow morning. I can't wait to tell her how bold I was feeling with reaching out to my mom and actually meeting them for dinner! She's going to be shocked! She wants to take me out for gelato tomorrow morning, before it gets too cold out, since I've never tried it before.

@Nammu

Makes sense your anxiety is better now that you're on the Seroquel. Seroquel helps with anxiety. I know it's supposed to be my main antipsychotic but I lump it in with my other anxiety meds, since it helps so much with that. 100mg and half hour to forty-five minutes later and I'm cool as a cucumber! It's great! Works better than my benzo.

First, a good thing: My students grasped today's task better/faster than past years have-I'm very proud of them!

Otherwise, what a day. I completely shut down when I got home. Long story short, there were a few stressful things at work and extreme irritability kicked in for a bit in the afternoon. When I got home, I just crashed and numbed out all night. Then, I remembered what my counselor gave me about reflecting on what I can control vs can't and somehow found the strength to do some of the things I would normally do, for my nightly routine, before I head to bed.

I was able to pick up the new birth control pill. I ended up having to pay with GoodRX (Kind of, the pharmacy isn't contracted with them so it was more than the GoodRX website said but less than if I didn't use it). I had to do this because they said I owed $72 otherwise. With the discount, I paid $35 for a three month supply, so not to bad all thing considered. I risked it and took my first dose tonight, even though I work tomorrow, in case it can help stop this mood episode that's trying to sneak in. If things get bad enough, I'll take an extra mg of risperidone for a few days to help ease things.

Here's hoping for no side effects with this birth control (or, at least manageable ones)!

I'm coughing badly and my throat hurts. I'll have to take a test in the morning.

I had 2 dreams where I was a kid and had to clean up giant messes before I could go out. Also I had a dream where my 35 year old sister was dating this man in his 50's and I don't know if his name was George or Azz pronuced ***. Lol.

my husband set the heat to 80 and iw oke up drenched insweat and had to turn it down. like hes the one who pays the electric so why is he settign it so high? put on a hoodie. i freeze 24/7 and use sweats and a blanket to keep warm. i dont turn th heat up blazing. then he turned on muisc while he was getting ready mind you over and hour before i had to get up. im so aggravated with him lately. last night he said hed be home at 9. it was 10. eh didnt even call. i im so tired from wakin up so early bc of him

I'm scared my psychiatrist meeting won't go well. Or I'll have to wait a while for a visiting nurse. I need meds in me fast. I just don't know what to say to convey the urgency without triggering a hospitalization. And why do my wrists have to feel tight, ****. I often go mute with this pdoc.

Totally understand. When seroquel was my primary AP for a few weeks it was hell. It made me feel like I had dropped acid without the fun parts and I couldn’t function at all. It did make me sleep for 12 hours which was welcome but the side effects just weren’t worth it. I have it still as a prn for when I absolutely need to catch up on sleep, but I’m very careful to make sure I don’t have to do much the next day (so weekends). The hangovers are hell; it makes me useless. I’m both terrified and enamored by the drug at the same time.

My mood is pretty okay so far. Pretty tired though. I got up at 4 and figured I'd take a shower, so I did, but I passed right out as soon as I got out and my mom got a kick out of how my hair looked.

My aunt in Georgia enjoyed looking at my pictures of the snow. Playing with ideas of my next big hike. I'm thinking either the Twins or Isolation for the NH48.

Just got back from therapy appointment. She brought up an interesting theory about why the sertraline decrease would destabilize me so quickly. With my old psychiatrist I had a lot of control over my med changes. New psychiatrist, not so much, so Therapist thought maybe I was upset about that. I don't think my therapist's theory is correct 🤔, but it's still interesting. I really miss my old psychiatrist. My therapist was quite proud of me for meeting my parents on neutral territory and taking control of the situation. She cautioned me not to take things too fast though and to still work on that letter to my mom, which I plan on doing later today.

Still having my allergic reaction, though not as bad as last night. Took two benadryl again. Seems to be helping a little bit, though I still have a massive headache and no Tylenol. May walk to the store later to buy some. It's a nice day out!

Told my therapist I prefer winter over summer because in the summer I feel like a wilted flower 🥀, and she said she wasn't surprised. Lol.

The rapid covid test was negative. But I feel like complete crap and my mom still does so I went over to immediate care for a legit covid test. I'm waiting for the results. On the way home I got a call from the doctors asking if I wanted to be in their covid/flu/rsv study and I'd get $100. So I said yeah whatever. So I'm going next week. Idk why they asked me, but its $100 I could use.

Now I'm just in bed feeling crappy but I did take a hot shower

I also wanted to go to immediate care because I was a bit worried about my chest pains. But she didn't mention my blood pressure being high and she said my lungs were fine.

Good afternoon. I had a good day so far. I went to the food pantry and got some food. Definitely needed it. Then I took a nap. It’s cold outside. I have my heat on. Not much else going on today. Need to take a shower at some point. I’m glad the weekend is about to start. Gonna try to do some art and violin practice.

I emailed a community college about a program I’ve been interested in for a while. One of the programs prerequisites is intro to algebra, and I’ve done three calculus courses but those were elsewhere over 8 years ago so I hope either they count or I can test out or something.

Taking my son to swimming lessons this morning. Will probably go visit my partners dad who has now moved from hospital into respite this afternoon. Will then go visit his mother at her place afterwards.

Been raining so much here yesterday our back garden is practically flooded. There’s an issue with the drainage. We’ve had plumbers out here to have a look and if we had to fix it properly we’d be looking at $10,000. Don’t have that kind of money so flooded garden it is.

On Monday I’m going for a skin check up and I hope I don’t have to get naked. Just started my period today. I have very heavy periods sorry tmi and have to use double protection (pads and tampons). I can’t cancel now it’s Saturday and they’re not open. Uhhhhhh.

Much better day today. Have all the windows open (even though it's a bit on the nippy side), and a wonderful candle going, while eating my own Scooby Snacks my boyfriend gave me! (see below).

Thanks @BeyondtheRainbow and @Blue_Bird for the congratulations on the new job. It's just part-time, and my candle shop job is part-time too - don't want to push myself or work too much because of fear of losing my disability. I can probably handle it being out of the hospital for almost two years, but still, I am not a 100% yet.

Feeling really good today. Got all dressed up and going out tonight, nothing too fancy, but actually doing something fun with some friends. Starting to accept myself more, and not feeling as bad about my weight as I used to be months ago. The thyroid medicine seems to FINALLY be working, I take another blood test next month to see if there will be another increase, she has increased it 5 times so far; she said it had to be gradual even though I am very impatient.

I hope everyone is enjoying their Friday. I went out today in a dress and blazer and froze my butt off; I love weather like this, but I gotta wake up and realize it's not summer anymore, lol. I keep getting flashbacks of the days I used to walk around NYC in shorts in November - lol, (I was also much younger too).

Gonna drop a selfie, only cause I am starting to feel confident again. Also booked my trip to California to be with my boyfriend for his birthday. Good days are finally here again.

@LadyShadow you are gorgeous!