Bipolar Check-in #83

@raspberrytorte my blood pressure is much better and I'm lying down now so I feel a bit better. I also took my meds early which is helping. I think all this election crap is causing a lot of anxiety for me and making things worse. Plus my GI stuff complicates the covid. But my mom took another test and she is negative now.

I got that same scam thing a couple weeks ago. And I was expecting a package from USPS in a couple hours. I had to google it and found out it was a scam.

@Blue_Bird I'm so sorry about the dissociating. I know you mentioned cold helps you. I'm not sure where you live but if the weather is cool/cold outside can you sit outside somewhere for a bit and see if that helps? Failing that, do you have an ice pack or even just hold your hands around a glass of ice water. I dissociate and have high anxiety/panic a lot, and cold temperature helps me a lot but most especially when I sense cold in my fingertips.

I'm sorry about the dissociation. I dissociate most days too though when it happens I try not to focus on it at all and go about what I'm doing though it's easier said than done if I'm driving and dissociation happens. But I find if I focus and think about the dissociation that just panics me so it's best not to think about it. Another weird thing that sometimes helps me is to put music on and sing out loud to the songs (though I do NOT have a good singing voice!).

I'm just curious. How long have you had problems with dissociation? I've had it since childhood, at least as long as around age 8 or 9 I remember dissociating (though of course I didn't know anything about what it was back then).

@raspberrytorte Ugh! I did fall for that exact same scam. Next thing I knew I had a $500 charge on my credit card for some online clothing store I never heard of. Thankfully, I got it resolved and the account closed without paying that charge, but it's a pain to change all the online billing info especially for automatic charges on the card.

So I didn’t start dissociating until a few years ago. My anxiety was always bad even as a child. Around 18-19 I started having panic attacks after I sometimes I wonder if the dxm use contributed to me developing panic attacks and dissociation. Cause while I always had anxiety I never had panic attacks or dissociation before that. So my panic attacks started around 18-19. My dissociation started maybe 6-7 years ago so like around when I was 23-24.

I do have cold packs I bought specifically for this. I always forget I have them cause my freezer is on the bottom so I forget they’re even there sometimes. lol. But yeah they help. I ended up watching a show for a couple hours after painting and started cooking/preparing dinner for later and I feel a bit better now. Cold definitely helps though. I live in upstate NY so it does get cold here. I try to make sure I get outside in it cause it’s really good for me.

The horrible therapist has been reported officially now! My case manager did it and included all 9 of the complaints I wrote!

@raspberrytorte did you say you had bad anxiety with cold medicine?

I am so anxious right now and I've been really nervous and jittery for a few days and I've been taking Dayquil and Nyquil lately. The kind without alcohol.

Well, I'm happy to know it was indeed a scam then because I want my package! Of course, I don't like random entities scamming people... slime balls.

Just found out my partner’s mother has tested positive to COVID and we were with her on Saturday. Damn. Hopefully no one in my family gets it. I got the booster in April. My son who is 5 has had COVID once. So far none of us have any symptoms so hopefully we will be okay!

So h thinks I'm on an upswing he's on a downswing. I'm so scared for Thursday. I really need to be honest about how bad things are in my head space but I want to manage her reaction so I don't get involuntary committed. My medicine didn't come today. I'm struggling with the idea to take it when it comes. I need to do my hair but shaving it all off and dyeing it. Urges are strong tonight. I realize I'm putting to much on h. My head is so loud and Anna won't shut up. She's going to give me horrible self esteem so I just tell her I'm not getting worse just realized I'm not being honest with her because of paranoia.

We got move in assistance so we have 90 days to move out now, just to get the apartment and inform everyone. To much is going on to get hospitalized, plus I have to leave the house, see people, talk,. I told my parents about the rats they're not happy. They obviously don't know about the psychosis.

You know, maybe I'm just being paranoid. But why does my doctors office want to do this study. Its like they chose me because I'm a young single minority with physical and mental health issues.

@Mountaindewed

It was anxiety and paranoia caused from OTC antihistamines, specifically benadryl and claritin. Well, benadryl just made me anxious. Claritin made me SO anxious it gave me paranoia and some delusional thinking. But this was after taking them everyday for a couple of weeks. (Not together obviously!)

Hey guys,

It's been a while. Man I really have some up and down days, but the down days aren't really down days, they are more like I say the meanest, cruelest things to myself about myself. Therapy was good today because I basically talked how horrible I look, how fat I am, how much I HATE myself, it's not that I dislike myself and the way I look, I HATE it. Even after that nice picture I took the other day. It's so bad guys, it really is - I feel I look so horrible and I say such mean things about myself all the time, it's really bad.

Just need to put things into a better perspective. I have a nice new job now, I love my candle store job, I have so many friends, a wonderful family, an amazing boyfriend, my own apartment I can pay for, a nice car, and just all the things so many people would want so much. I just need to really need to focus on being grateful - but it's so hard to when you're deep in it. My therapist told me to hide all the mirrors if it's causing me so much distress, and also refocus, distract myself and do more things I enjoy - taking his advice, and trying to stop all this hateful self-talk.

I feel so ungrateful. Everything is going amazing in my life except this one self-image thing, but my therapist said that's the hardest one for most people to deal with.

Why do we focus on the one thing that we're not happy with forgetting all the amazing, good things??

Also, my neighbor moved out, and I am really worried about it. My apartment is really close to his, I hope no one terrible moves in, ugh, the last one was awful before him. He was so nice and quiet; I am so bummed.

The stomach pain that's bothered me the past two days went away today. Nice. Sometimes i think i have gastroparesis tho, slow digestion. It's either that or too-fast digestion, diarrhea. It's just not at the right speed. I had a headache in the afternoon.

I deked out to the mall to get my glasses fixed as a lens popped out. I just dashed in and out of the mall. It used to be my second home. Today it was so crowded, it was rush hour, and i didn't know what i ever saw in the mall. Well nothing's constant but change. I'm not aging well and experiencing a lot of the curses of getting older at just 58. And, then again, maybe it's just the depression talking...

@Crazy Hitch: Thanks so much for the support. Not sure what i did to deserve it. I did sleep decent but woke up too early. I hope you and your family don't get COVID.

@LadyShadow: I feel the same, i hate myself, and how i look. I have so many blessings to be grateful for too, it's really a shame. Just today, a neighbor flattered me out of my senses for my new haircut. It's super short and she says it shows off my face more. I'm fat, but so is Jelly Roll, and i still think he's cool...

My therapist says I'm mixed. That would explain how I've been feeling. I just hadn't thought of it. The depression is worsening now and my house looks like it. I did a very little bit of work in the kitchen tonight which is good.


Usually when I'm mixed I don't sleep. I've been sleeping ok for the last few nights but I'm also on a lot of sedation and had it increased a few weeks ago.

My clozaril levels should be back tomorrow. Hopefully I have wiggle-room to allow us to increase my dose without throwing me into toxicity. I have a hard time being too excited about that because my last level was just barely under the too high but not toxic line. But that was about 6 months ago so maybe it worked itself out in that time.

I hate mixed.