Bipolar Check-in #83

I'm doing pretty well. I did pilates this morning, had groceries delivered, baked chcolate chip cookies from scratch. I started my period yesterday which explains why I was so easily irritated and frustrated the day before. No plans for the day really, just planning on doing some reading.

Just got home from my daughter’s my grandson liked his present.

I was worried there was something wrong with my car’s cruise control system because it kept going down and up on its own, but once the cars spread out I realized it was doing that auto sense thing and automatically adjusted to stay so far away from the car in front. I still don’t know everything my car does.

The other day this lane changer thing came on on panel. It took me time to figure out what it 2as. All I really wanted was a red car with a backup camera. It’s sort of scary everything it does. My first car was a 64’ a basic mopar car with v8 engine and could plow though big snow drifts. This car can park itself but I don’t think it could handle 110 on a curvy backroad.

But I’ve changed too, I don’t speed anymore and drive conservatively now. Anyway I’m doing ok, I jinxed myself saying my sleep was great. Last night was terrible with a hospital dream thrown in just for fun. I managed a shower and did my meds before heading to my daughters. So all I have now is my pbs shows and bed.

Made the mistake of turning on the TV. Saw the massive crowd size and got sick for the first time in 2 days.

Idk I'm just going to have to deal with it like everyone else.

I sent a message to my pdoc asking if he'd raise my Prestiq or Lamictal. Idk if he will or if he'll just say its situational anxiety. But I mentioned the not sleeping well which might freak him out a bit into doing something.

I kinda want a big dog to feel safe but I don't even really like dogs.

I feel so bored and empty. (mention of food abuse) But i lit my candles this evening, seven tea candles for the members of my family, and they burned in front of my TV while i watched my soap. That was nice. I read a good David Foster Wallace story yesterday from his book "Oblivion." It was called "Good Old Neon." It ends followed by the mathematical formula for converting a Newton meter into a Newton millimeter, which i thought was pretty ingenious. It was easy for me to figure out as we have the Internet now and i just typed the formula in. It was written in 2004, so not sure it would have been that easy back then. That DFW was so clever!

Hugs to all in need!

Oo Ridley was very good tonight, the missing victim has bipolar and just before the end of part one a new it of information. I’m following this episode closer as a result. Next is a new show.

At the dentist! Waiting to be called back. Told them about Vraylar and Gabapentin.

Edit: I just came from the dentist. Cleaning and exam. No cavities. Quick appointment.

Had an interesting experience today. I got some cake from the food pantry and I tried a piece of it. It’s good but it was overwhelmingly sweet after not having any sweets for a few weeks, I couldn’t finish my piece so I put it back in the fridge. Normally nothing is overwhelmingly sweet to me, I’m a sugar fiend. I think not having sweets for a few weeks kind of reset my taste buds or something.

I cut a couple slices out so I could take a picture of the inside. It’s really cool looking.

I’ve been watching the Great British Bake Off on Netflix and that’s a lot of fun to watch

im an anxious mess lately. im ok mood wise. anxiety has been my vice hardcore. i panic everyday. im freaking out about school. its alot. i cant wait for this research class to end. ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(I do mean the pretty white stuff from the sky)

but also I had to sleep in the basement with the woodstove going because the power got knocked out from wind last night. Or I think it was wind. Could've been someone crashing into a pole or the electric company being stupid, but it was windy. We are also in high fire danger conditions from it being dry and windy (hopefully the snow this morning helped a little), there were even a couple brush fires further South!

And it's going to be hot af on Thursday. Like 80. I love going from 20s and snowing to 70s/80 in three days...NOT!

but in celebration of the snow I got my annual pumpkin spice coffee I have some points to make in another thread, and then I'm going to read my book for as long as my attention span allows (with a balsam candle going for the vibes of course).

I also have to get the car in the shop. In theory I could do the work myself, but there are not one, not two, but three lights that popped up in the past week (minor easy stuff like oil/filter/tire pressure--and I know tire pressure is easy but I have a lot of bad luck with slow leaks, broken sensors, and broken valves so I want to make sure none of that is going on because this is the third time in the past month I've been low)

That's kind of how it is here up in NY right now, it's in the 30's but in a few days it's gonna be in the 70's. definitely not lookinf forward to the heat coming back. The pumpkin spice coffee and balsam candle sound wonderful! I have a wax warmer and I tend to get that scent around the winter as well

Is converting N*m to N*mm not just multiplying by 1000?

Yes, it's multiplying by 1000, but it's written in the book as "NMN.80.418" so it was not clear. Hmm... i searched the string today and got different results, so now i'm not sure. Now it says NMN is the character's initials, 80 is the year he graduated high school, and .418 is his batting average. Go figure.

I think i made a typo yesterday and searched NMM by mistake. Ack!

Today I see my gp at 2:45. I want to tell her I’m disappointed with my progress with these so called weight loss medication. Given I have had nothing sweet to eat and I’m only snacking on almond I’d expect more weight loss by now. My bathroom scale went bust this morning. It’s giving me a completely incorrect weight (like 10kg lighter). There’s no way I want to go on ozempic after some horror article I read about extreme lethargy being one of the side effects. I’m tired enough with my low mood as it is. I don’t need anything contributing to it. Think I see my psychologist on Thursday just need to double check that one. I ate half an orange for breakfast. Just didn’t feel like the other half.

I think my butt yeast infection may be coming back. I stopped the medication Friday evening after a week on each cream as instructed. Seeing the same nurse practitioner as last time tomorrow morning. This doesn’t feel as bad as the first time but we’ll see.

I'm a bit cranky today. Not anxious really. And I'm not paranoid or panicky. I'm just in a mood. I slept fine last night. I took the elavil a few minutes before 8 and it helped. My energy levels are back to normal. I'm guessing I'm just in a mood about next week like everyone is.

I did get a pdoc appointment set up for the 5th of November. Its a good day to have one.

I tried Jimmy Johns pickle turkey sub. Instead of a bun the sandwich is between 2 giant pickles. Pretty gross. But I'll try anything once.

I went to the DMV today to get my real I’d drivers license. It takes more paper work but it’s good for boarding airplanes. The regular state DL is no longer acceptable for boarding planes. I was very pleased how efficient The process was. It wasn’t bad at all. But my picture is awful. My passport picture is better.

My sleep was terrible again. I had to get up to open the window it got so hot. By Thursday tho it’s gonna be winter weather. Which is too bad for all the kiddos. Having to wear winter coats over their costumes. I think they turned on the heat in here blah, it’s too hot.

It’s 3 hours until bedtime and I want to go to sleep now. Probably the gabapentin. Haven’t even taken it today. Psych NP will up my dose on Wednesday after I report to her how it’s going.

Now it’s bedtime and I can’t sleep!

N3 got 100% on his 2 1/2 hour physics exam. He missed the extra credit but knows what he did wrong now.

10:00am and I’ve been sleeping all morning since I dropped my son at school. Just can’t move. I want to go buy a new scale but we have 2 in the bathroom already (that don’t work)

I’m getting paranoid

Can you do reality checks?

Cutting out caffeine a week or so ago, has brought insane amounts of fatigue. I went from 6-8 cups a day daily for years to none. The past two days I have felt so tired all day both days. Like physically and mentally exhausted. To the point where I feel on the verge of sleep randomly throughout the days. Idk if that’s normal or not

Yeah I can, I just get paranoid about my meds sometimes and convince myself they’re poisoning me. I think if they were gonna poison me they would have long ago I’ve been on them a long time. The fatigue I’ve been feeling is making me worried my meds are doing something because I’m hyper aware of body sensations. Sometimes I think they’re slowly killing me though

There’s a line of the Desiderata I love; nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

I don’t know why but it has comforted me. The whole desiderata has helped me often. It reminds me that these things I struggle with are timeless and known to others, I am not alone.

if i dot get at very least a Bin my research class i will be dropped out of school. those were the conditions set by my school for acceptance. i have to get a 3.0 my first 9 hours. im freaking out yall. if id otn get through this class successfully i will be $45k in the hole for nothing. i will giv eup. i will unalive mysefl.