Bipolar Check-in #83

Very, very anxious again today. My PRNs did nothing. I just have struggled all evening. I'm trying to distract myself but it's not working well. I don't even know why I'm anxious. I just am. I'm about to take a gabapentin but I'm scared it will make me sleepy in the morning and I need to get up for therapy.

The biggest cause of the anxiety I can pinpoint is that I run out of clozapine in a week. I'm having a hard time getting things coordinated between my pdoc, the pharmacy and the computer system that releases my meds. I have no desire to run out. My pdoc has been out of the office (I'm pretty sure anyway) and tomorrow she works from home and I don't know if she can access what she needs to from there. So tomorrow night I'll call their system and leave a message so they know all day and not just when I wake up that I am running out of time here.

I hate that part of clozaril. It can be so stressful.


But at least my therapist is back and hopefully can talk me through this somehow.

@raspberrytorte I'm sorry your mom treats you that way. I hope the med changes your scary psychiatrist lady gave you work out!

@Rosi700 I'm sorry you're struggling with SI. Hang in there-we're here for you!

@BeyondtheRainbow Sorry to hear you are having such a headache with getting your meds. In this day and age, you shouldn't have to deal with it!

One of my classes really made me laugh today, so that was nice. They all cheered like I had given them a million bucks when I squished a little bug that was on the board. Except for one kid-he pretended to cry his eyes out.

Something at work caused the SI thoughts to sneak back in though. This time around with these thoughts, my faith has been helping me (I usually have some sort of faith crisis every time I experience SI because I don't typically feel God's presence). This time around, I actually feel like He's helping me and is showing me different ways people would miss me if I was gone. I'm trying to hold onto this instead of letting the thoughts spiral.

@HALLIEBETH87

I'd give the haldol a couple more days to bring you further down. Just be patient. I'm sure it'll work.

@BeyondtheRainbow

Sorry to hear about your anxiety. Anxiety sucks. I hate anxiety. I'd rather be anything than anxious! I hope you get relief soon. I'm happy to hear your therapist is back. I don't know what I would do without mine, even if she IS obsessed with hormones. I'm starting to feel like I rely on her TOO much if I'm being honest. If she wouldn't have been at my appointment today to back me up and bring up things I totally spaced I would have been shyt out of luck. And she's the one who told me about writing another letter to my mom... I didn't even think of doing that again. Going to work on that tomorrow.

...

My husband is getting sick. 😫 Which means I'm going to get sick, and our daughter's thirteenth birthday is on Thursday. Hopefully we're both well by Thursday. I'm so excited for her birthday! Her cake is going to be AWESOME. Oh, she's going to be so mad... lol. And we got her everything on her birthday list. And next Monday we're going pumpkin picking. REALLY excited for that! Should be fun, and of course Wednesday night is KMFDM. I don't know how I'm going to sleep tonight. Lol.

Scary psychiatrist asked me how much sleep I've been getting and I've consistently been getting, on average, four hours a night 🌙, with an hour long nap in the morning because my morning meds make me a tad sleepy. And she was just like, "WHAT?!" I told her I'm not tired so it's fine.

@June08

Thanks 😊 I just hope the lamictal increase doesn't turn me into a MORON like that dose has done in the past! The minute I forget how to spell something simple like "hoodie" I'm calling and telling her I want to go back down! I texted my hormones obsessed therapist about this afternoon and she told me to just give the med changes a chance, so... we'll see how it goes! Yay!

I guess vraylar isn't for me on week 3 of no meds. My head is killing me, I'm not sleeping, and it's loud.

I woke up from the worst dreams. Really dream. There were two dreams and one wasn't bad and one was horrible and then they combined and it became terrifying.

The dream that wasn't scary was just sad. I still dream about going back to work and this was one of those. Light night I dreamed that I accepted a position, sight unseen, (for a lot of money ) and felt very ambivalent to the job I was in (which is one of the jobs I really had but I'm not sure which). Tonight was about preparing to leave and give notice and that kind of thing. Not scary, just more sadness related to woking. Oddly in reality I've been to this place once and it was very awkward because the manager at that time was someone who I worked with, had been friends with and then we had a major blow-out my last week. I also couldn't see if he was hiring me.

I don't know. Just anxiety again I think. My Abbycat is snuggled up with me to make me better. If I'm not asleep pretty soon I'll take some more gabapentin. I just don't want to be too groggy to go to therapy in person. I'm not ready for virtual yet after the long absence.


The other I'm not going to share, even with trigger warnings but it was awful.



ETA: 90 minutes later I'm up from dreaming I'm the murderer and terribly upset that my pdoc won't like me anymore. Probably true that she'd like me less if I'd killed someone but also probably not a real issue.

I'm going to be really tired after therapy today. I had planned to shop for jeans but I have a feeling I'm going to just want to come home.

Thanks, I am trying , but everything goes in slow motion.



June, God is there even when you don't feel Him. Please try to remind yourself about that!
I searched out these Bible verses for you. Since I googled only, I have no idea about what Church that stands behind these beautiful pictures. But if they can help you, that doesn't matter. You can hang them up on walls or on doors.
23 Encouraging Bible Verses About Not Giving Up! - Top Scripture

Thanks for responding to my post. I'm sitting here staring in the wall without no motion.

I cut out people that don't value me as well. I don't want to be the one one can call when nobody else doesn't have the time to go to the cinema, the theater or whatever. The two Christian therapists Henry Cloud and John Townsend has written one general good book about boundaries and a few other books about boundaries in different relations. Amazon have them all. But here is the title of the general one:"Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life" (2017).

My plan is somewhere in my head. Too tired to make it now. Later I will pick a blank paper for each topic. This means I don't have to do it all at once. Then I can use the time on each paper to find out where I want to be in five years, how to get there, what is wise or not so wise to do. When I have filled all the papers with goals and positive perspectives, I will put it all together on a three with a keyword for each topic. I can hang that on one of my doors and let it motivate me. If I need more details, I can get back to the papers for one topic at the time.

Tonight, one of my grown up children will visit and we will discuss how I can become less lonely and how to arrange coming together more often than for the time being.

@LadyShadow;7446846 Please hang up reminders for your bills or make alarms for them at your phone!

Take care!

@Crazy Hitch I can't say if hypnotherapy works or not. I did it twice. One time, I know I surely was hypnotyzied, the 2nd not. It didn't cure my depression, but shortly afterwards, I did gain weight and get healthy after being severly anorexic. However, I had already determined I needed to recover from the anorexia, so I don't know. I know hypnosis can't make you do anything you don't really want to do or that is against your morals or anything, but I'm sure anxiety is something you really want to get past.

I'm so sorry for those of you struggling . Anxiety, depression & lack of sleep are all horrible. I hate every single one of them.

May have found a path to accessable housing.

Woke up with a lot on my mind. I have tried really hard to stay within disability's restrictions in regard to work, but I have a feeling I will get in trouble anyway. I just need to keep my mind focused and try my best to look forward to the future. My head feels overwhelmed, and I feel stifled, I was supposed to work today, but I have to very careful about how much I actually make. I think all this overspending has affected me a lot - I have been gradually dipping into my savings and they have been depleting.

In the world we live in, I have realized that I am really on my own, so I can't mess up my benefits, or push myself too hard when I have a long history of multiple long-term hospitalizations and traumatic experiences. As much as I want to succeed in life, I have to be more practical.

Bottom line, as much as I want to plan and I am afraid, I have to remember, that my worries rob me of the moment I am living today. So instead of sitting in these four walls and closing in, I am going to out today and do some shopping for my friend coming over this weekend, and also be grateful for all that I have. At the end of the today, today and right now is all we have - there are no guarantees about tomorrow.

My endocronoglist appointment went really well. I was talking to him the whole time instead of him talking to my mom. We had a good conversation. He suggested a couple kinds of protein drinks to help with things. He said my levels are all good. He told my mom on the way out that he is starting to notice this postive shift in me. I know I'm getting more comfortable with myself and I'm happy with how I'm looking I'm also more alert lately and I've been assertive at my appointments and asking questions.

My pdoc told me my mental health is fine, my depression is just related to my physical stuff.

So yeah. It was a good appointment. I picked up a case of each of those protein drinks from Sams Club.

I went to pick up my Geodon and I waited in the car while my mom ran in and I got so overheated I got sick. I haven't had this issue with the heat and it wasnt that bad outside. I wonder if its a med side effect.

I can see why my pdoc wants my mom in complete control of the med. I really really want one right now but I still have half an hour.

Hmm, I think I hit hypomania for a few hours today. I did something really cringe, as the kids would say these days.

Thankfully I did what I did with someone that doesn't judge me, so it's all good.

I'm back to my regular programming now.

I've been reading a lot today. Hyperfocused on it or something. I've nearly read an entire book today though admittedly I think it is one of Patricia Cornwell's shorter novels. Unfortunately, the psychopathic murderer in the story turns out to be a paranoid schizophrenic I HATE when mystery writers turn to the old-reliable mentally ill perpetrator.

Got the med from my mom half an hour ago and it was an almost instant relief for my nausea and my slight stomach pain.

According to the doctor I saw today its primairly used for pain now even though it was originally an antidepressant.

OK, yep, finished the whole book in 1 day, 275 p with tiny print, maybe it is a bit of hyperfocus? On the other hand, when I can concentrate well, I am a fast reader.

Anxiously waiting for the hypnotherapist to ring me in 15 minutes ….

Had a pretty crappy day. Indirect Lenders for Auto Financing are the devil. They cheat their customers. They cheat their dealers -- they are an advocate for themselves and thats it. I'm just a little angry about it, but I know better than to think anything will be done. I just want our deposit back, and the promised "bonus" for selling a car and wash my hands of them. We have better prospects.

Trying to stop dissociating