Bipolar Check-in #83

Ugh. Sick. 😫 Took a dose of NyQuil. It's helped my sore throat a little bit. We went to see the movie The Wild Robot. Pretty good film. Almost shed a couple of tears at the end. Today was low key since both Husband and I are sick. We spent most of the morning after dropping our daughter off at school sleeping. Didn't do much the rest of the day besides our usual cleaning.

Oh, our cat's vet visit went fine by the way! He got a clean bill of health. Next year he has to get blood work done because he'll be a senior. Hard to believe. I remember him when he was an obnoxious kitten! Lol. They grow up so fast. 😢

I have to get my booty in gear and start reading submissions for the ezine. They're piling up. I have to start doing it now or I'm going to get overwhelmed.

It sounded like there was just a shooting a couple houses down.

I'm kinda freaked out right now for no real reason.

Have prayed with you on these topics!

Feel better today. We put regular "coming together" days in our calenders yesterday.

Good morning. Sorry about my post last night. I wasn't feeling good. I slept and I feel better. That always helps. Anyway, I drew Naruto from the anime Naruto last night. Really happy with how it came out, it's the best drawing I've done in quite some time. I plan on drawing another character from that show today.

I'm actually feeling pretty good today--so good I'm planning a hike for tomorrow! Decisions, decisions though. I almost want to add a 4k'er to possible options, but I haven't done a genuine mountain hike in a few months and that last one was about 1000' less in elevation gain and four miles shorter haha (steeper but way shorter). The 4k'er I want to do takes most people about four hours, and I've already done it so I know the footing is actually a lot better than half the other places I've hiked...ok I just looked at the higher summits forecast and the high will be about 20F, 80mph gusts (so windchill around 0F) and snowing up to a couple inches, so I guess a "higher summit" is out of the picture...oops. Narrow's it down to two hikes if I'm feeling good, and looking up a few pond loops for if I'm not feeling up to elevation gain.

But the dude I went to the movies with yesterday. Zero social skills. He has feelings for me (the romantic kind, not the push-you-off-a-cliff kind. Or maybe both, I don't know). I was almost worried I'd run with it just to feel better about myself, but even I don't want to hop in bed with him. Shut tf up about "this is exposition" and just let me listen to the actual exposition. Still going to hang out with him though. He's stupid, but I love it.

I have therapy in a few hours, and we're going to get back to DBT skills work. I really hope I have the energy/strength to do the loop I want to tomorrow. Fk is it going to be windy though and that loop has a lot of exposed ledges...plan for any plan I guess. Maybe someone will post a report today.

Oh, and @unaluna, I do see the coffee in A Tree now

I'm having an OK day so far. This week has been kind of stressful because I feel like I'm always in motion. I'm still transitioning to work life and I'm struggling at times, but it's OK. I'm doing OK. I'm still really upset about my interaction with a specific finance company at work. They're just slimy and I have the go ahead to drop them once we get our money owed back. All in all though we're coming along well here. I'm feeling more comfortable in my position as Finance Manager (big transition from Spanish Teacher in a high school), and also I get to work on my " hobby" as webmaster as well and maintain and update a website I created for our car lot. I have periods I enjoy doing it, and periods where I kinda hate I ever volunteered lol.

Monday I got my meds refilled -- no issues so I was grateful for that. Psychiatrist monthly, therapist weekly... I'm doing OK.

Here's to being OK!

I’m doing weird. Was after 2am when I fell asleep despite taking two ambien. Woke up at 8, was able to get my very needed shower in. Then just as I was gonna get dressed, a knock on my dooor! The work man to put the covers back on the vents. A week and a half ago they came around to take all the covers off, they cleaned out the duck vents. Next they are cleaning all the kitchen vents. It’s a huge hassle but it’s a good thing to. Do.

I’m all dressed in my new clothes for my pdoc appointment this afternoon. Nervous about that. Let’s see, isolating, irritable, not sleeping, ….dont want a huge change in meds.
Oh yes, need to tell him that despite my drs wanting me to lose weight I’m scared to. Both ends of the spectrum I loose weight and I loose friends, housing, money, everything, but boy do I get lotsa wolf whistles and hit on because I’m in great shape, maybe underweight but looking good. Maybe get a therapist to talk about that?

Lots of brain probing. They said study participants have requested the neuropsych testing in person to be resumed. They asked me about my manic episodes, my hospitalizations in the last two years, all the meds I’m take and which on his list I’ve discontinued and started. Apparently my survey I did while in California in June never got counted so that’s a $15 loss.

I’m not sure how hiking is looking for tomorrow. I just drove for therapy and I’m getting that really weird unpleasant feeling and I’m trying not to toss my tuna (maybe a poor choice of lunch). I’ve also realized my second layer pants do not fit anymore, and I don’t have any that would be good just to wear in about freezing temps (aka hypothermia weather), so I’m gonna head over to this discount outdoor activities shop and see if anything looks good…although last time I was there the cashier asked for my social (security number, not media accounts).

Oyyyy, at least I found my DBT stuff and I’m not all unprepared.

I feel paranoid. In other news I did another drawing today. Idk what else to do today. I cleaned, did laundry, drew. Now I’m just trying to decide what to do with the rest of the day. It’s only just going on 1pm and I usually don’t go to sleep till around 11pm or so , so I’m trying to figure out what to do in the meantime, and to do my best to not dissociate.

I might try to lose myself in watching a show for awhile. Probably The Witcher. Once my tablet is charged. Or maybe read. Idk I’ll figure something out

Sorry not sure why that posted upside down, I fixed it

I'm doing good today. Although I'm kinda having a wtf moment because I ate a lot of protein for breakfast and some coffee yet for the first time in months I don't feel sick. Just really full. So its kinda like this new feeling and I'm not sure what to do. I'm not anxious either. I went out this morning for sparkling water and Kind cereal bars and I wasn't paranoid or anything. I'm just trying to adjust to things.

I can see why my pdoc has such a strict safety plan put in place. That med helps with my stomach issues along with my anxiety and depression.

I see my psychologist today at 2:20pm. Nervous because I don’t know what to expect. I had to buy a book for today’s session so he’s going to get me to write stuff down.

Shocking sleep last night. Woke up about 5x. A few of those were because I kept thinking my son was having nightmares the other side of the house. But every time I walked through he was sound asleep. I think it might have been the neighbours kid next door.

Yesterday I spent the day in bed either trying to sleep (never actually fell asleep) or playing on my phone. It was ridiculously unproductive.

I’ll update later after my psychologist appointment.

Feeling a bit disconnected today. Having a hard time focusing to read everyone's posts.

Had a good session. We talked about a lot of options. He agreed the seroquel was worth a try. I’m going to start with 25, and after 30 minutes or if I wake up another 25. It’s prn so it shouldn’t cause the restlessness legs syndrome, plus I’m on gabby and that should also help keep the restless leg thing at bay. He did say to get in touch for any reason. He’s putting in a referral for therapy..

Cleaned my whole house today - scrubbed the begeezus out of my bathtub, my good friend is coming over tomorrow to spend the weekend with me, so I wanted my place to be in tip-top shape. It will be nice to have someone over to enjoy my place with - I have another friend staying over next weekend too, so I am really putting my guest bedroom to good use! Found a spider in my house too! I took him and put him outside - he's an outside spider!

Feeling better than yesterday - a lot more accomplished - worked today and made a bit of money and feel good about that too. @Brentus - sorry that happened to you with that finance company, I know how that goes unfortunately, it happens a lot, also so cool you were a Spanish teacher, I am learning Spanish now and it's a lot of fun! So sorry you're sick @raspberrytorte I hope you feel better soon! @Crazy Hitch and @Rosi700 thanks so much for the prayers for my family - I am keeping a watchful eye on Milton, definitely.

Anyway, I hope everybody is doing well - and for those of you who are struggling big hugs, this too shall pass.

Oof! My bench was delivered today. I just ordered it the other day. Wayfair was having a big sale and I ordered an upholstered storage bench to put in the entryway. I can put my shoes in in and have someplace to sit while I put on and take off my shoes. My rug came at the same time. It took three of us to get it on the cart so I could bring it up. It will be tomorrow before I can open it and figure out what tools I need. I asked the all around matence man here if I could borrow tools. He said yes so I’ll do that tomorrow.

I was just talking on the phone with N3. He was practicing Bach fugues on the piano which led the conversation to music theory class. I love my son!

Congrats, Nammu! I love putting furniture together! Sometimes all you need is an allen wrench which they provide you along with the screws.

Yep, yer right it has an Allen wrench. Unfortunately the way the directions are I’m not going to be able to put it together. It takes being able to bend, and I don’t bend anymore with the hardware in my back. My sister and bil are coming tomorrow to screw it together. Looks easy enough. It’s just that you need to bend over it. But yeah, I’ve put lots of furniture together. I’ve done desks with drawers, oodles of bookcases, vanity drawers for the bathroom and tons of stuff for friends. Unfortunately my bendable fun days are behind me. It’s all I can do to sweep the floor stuff into a dust pan and pick it up. I’ve been depressed the last few weeks we’ve got absolutely marvelous walking weather and I can’t walk anymore. Oh to hear the crunch of leaves under my feet! But never fear I’ll get my exercise Saturday when I go garage saying with my daughter.

I saw my therapist yesterday. We did depression and anxiety inventories. My depression is mild which sounds right and anxiety is severe which is just what I've been telling everyone. We went through a lot of anxiety reduction stuff and I left feeling better. Today has been a little bit better. I hope it sticks.

Good thoughts to all who need them...

Nammu i bought a rollator. I havent tried it yet im embarrassed! But geez i used to walk 6 or 10 miles a shot. Who have i become? Im hoping my extreme cleaning this past weekend will be my springboard to fitness.

I’m gonna see if my psychiatrist can put me back on propranolol for anxiety/panic attacks. It helped a lot. I used to be on klonopin. That helped the mental aspect anxiety more. But I don’t want to be on any benzos. So I’m gonna see about getting back on propranolol since beta blockers are good for the physical symptoms of panic attacks.

Meds make me really nervous. I’m very cautious about them especially since I ended up in the ICU for 8 days mostly unconscious when I was 19 with lithium toxicity through no fault of my own and having kidney failure as a result and seizures and having to be on dialysis while I was there. That has made me extremely hypervigilant and paranoid about meds and their side effects. Especially since my psychiatric nurse at the time ignored the effects until I had to call an ambulance one night having no idea what was happening to me but knowing something was very wrong. Which was a good decision cause I lost consciousness not long after that.

They really make me nervous and starting any or changing doses etc stresses me out. I start panicking and thinking they’re killing me. Almost like a post traumatic type response to what happened when I was 19.

Ironically enough that’s the next topic for EMDR at my next therapy appointment on Friday. That’s the next thing we’re working on is my anxiety resulting from that whole situation. Basically in EMDR you work through a bunch of traumatic memories and situations that have happened through out your life. Just happens that the next one on the list is the paranoia about meds resulting from what happened a little over 10 years ago.

We had to put our sweet kitty to sleep unexpectedly today. The prognosis was bad. Kidney issue. I’m so sad but now I’m having horrible flashbacks of something horrific that happened


(Trigger)








My stepmom made my dad shoot our two dogs after they killed my cat and dump them in the woods. I am hearing gun shots and feel terrified! Like how do I stop this????!! I know I’ve been triggered but like omg I’m ****ing freaking ou