Bipolar Check-in #83

Very, very anxious again today. My PRNs did nothing. I just have struggled all evening. I'm trying to distract myself but it's not working well. I don't even know why I'm anxious. I just am. I'm about to take a gabapentin but I'm scared it will make me sleepy in the morning and I need to get up for therapy.

The biggest cause of the anxiety I can pinpoint is that I run out of clozapine in a week. I'm having a hard time getting things coordinated between my pdoc, the pharmacy and the computer system that releases my meds. I have no desire to run out. My pdoc has been out of the office (I'm pretty sure anyway) and tomorrow she works from home and I don't know if she can access what she needs to from there. So tomorrow night I'll call their system and leave a message so they know all day and not just when I wake up that I am running out of time here.

I hate that part of clozaril. It can be so stressful.


But at least my therapist is back and hopefully can talk me through this somehow.

@raspberrytorte I'm sorry your mom treats you that way. I hope the med changes your scary psychiatrist lady gave you work out!

@Rosi700 I'm sorry you're struggling with SI. Hang in there-we're here for you!

@BeyondtheRainbow Sorry to hear you are having such a headache with getting your meds. In this day and age, you shouldn't have to deal with it!

One of my classes really made me laugh today, so that was nice. They all cheered like I had given them a million bucks when I squished a little bug that was on the board. Except for one kid-he pretended to cry his eyes out.

Something at work caused the SI thoughts to sneak back in though. This time around with these thoughts, my faith has been helping me (I usually have some sort of faith crisis every time I experience SI because I don't typically feel God's presence). This time around, I actually feel like He's helping me and is showing me different ways people would miss me if I was gone. I'm trying to hold onto this instead of letting the thoughts spiral.

@HALLIEBETH87

I'd give the haldol a couple more days to bring you further down. Just be patient. I'm sure it'll work.

@BeyondtheRainbow

Sorry to hear about your anxiety. Anxiety sucks. I hate anxiety. I'd rather be anything than anxious! I hope you get relief soon. I'm happy to hear your therapist is back. I don't know what I would do without mine, even if she IS obsessed with hormones. I'm starting to feel like I rely on her TOO much if I'm being honest. If she wouldn't have been at my appointment today to back me up and bring up things I totally spaced I would have been shyt out of luck. And she's the one who told me about writing another letter to my mom... I didn't even think of doing that again. Going to work on that tomorrow.

...

My husband is getting sick. 😫 Which means I'm going to get sick, and our daughter's thirteenth birthday is on Thursday. Hopefully we're both well by Thursday. I'm so excited for her birthday! Her cake is going to be AWESOME. Oh, she's going to be so mad... lol. And we got her everything on her birthday list. And next Monday we're going pumpkin picking. REALLY excited for that! Should be fun, and of course Wednesday night is KMFDM. I don't know how I'm going to sleep tonight. Lol.

Scary psychiatrist asked me how much sleep I've been getting and I've consistently been getting, on average, four hours a night 🌙, with an hour long nap in the morning because my morning meds make me a tad sleepy. And she was just like, "WHAT?!" I told her I'm not tired so it's fine.

@June08

Thanks 😊 I just hope the lamictal increase doesn't turn me into a MORON like that dose has done in the past! The minute I forget how to spell something simple like "hoodie" I'm calling and telling her I want to go back down! I texted my hormones obsessed therapist about this afternoon and she told me to just give the med changes a chance, so... we'll see how it goes! Yay!

I guess vraylar isn't for me on week 3 of no meds. My head is killing me, I'm not sleeping, and it's loud.