Meds

She's 22. She won't apply for state aid, food stamps or SSI. She won't apply for a job, do PHP, or anything. Won't talk to anyone unless it's her online friend or get out of bed. She has Sza but won't get treatment. Her therapist is encouraging her to move out without income or a place. Even told her they have a temporary place if she needs it. She misses over half her appointments and doesn't even pick up after her self. She's not in a space to move out unless it's to residential of course medical won't pay for that. As much as our current place sucks I'm so scared about the hole in the wall they're going to give her.

That's a tough situation, Victoria'smom. I'm sorry to hear about that. 🫂 ❤️

H wants me to see how to fire my psychiatrist. The laughing/crying anger has him concerned and he's scared because Anna is back. Treatment with keto isn't an option for me. Eating is a fight. I tried to put soup in and couldn't open it. I gave up I don't need it anyway. I learned h medicine wasn't filled correctly so we have no idea what medicine he is on. He takes 7 for his heart and 6 psych but there's only 5 meds on his list. So Monday I have to find him a psychiatrist too.

How do I keep my insight?

So we've agreed to call the psychosis clinic Monday. See how long their wait-list is. Try to get set up there. They want all my files and diagnosis. So that will take awhile. Then if they can get me in in two weeks then just cancel other pdoc. If not ask for new pdoc. Now as far as the new medicine h wants me to take it. I'm worried about weight gain. So we will take my weight before the medication. Then every week before my therapist appointment. So she can deal with that issue if it arises.

So I found out that the clinic I was part of since I moved here has a psychosis department that gives long acting injections. So I emailed them. Hopefully I get a response Monday.

That’s great!

I hope you do, Victoria'smom! 😊

So the caplyta takes 2 weeks to see a difference. It doesn't cause weight gain and I'm likely to keep it down. Two things I'm very concerned about. I'm not going to reactive my eating disorder because Drs won't listen to me. I'm loosing touch more easily with reality and very confused. but I'm not going to fix that. I'm not laughing and crying for no reason today. I don't want medication but this will lead to nowhere good.

I

What do you do when you don't want help and you just want to fade out? I can't tell anyone it'll scare them. Do I tell T next time I don't want help?

I think you need to tell your therapist that you don't want help and then you need to work on why you are feeling that way so strongly so that going to your next appointment isn't so hard. I think you also should talk to her about wanting to cut. She's not going to hospitalize you for that if you aren't doing it and don't have an active plan (where, when, exactly how).'

If you talk things out it may get eaiser.

That's the thing, I just want to be left alone with my madness. I was trying so hard to get better before I lost reality that I have to pretend to care because they'll be concerned. I don't want to tell her I don't want help because what if that changes and she's no longer available. What if she decided I need a hloc, can I refuse? She's going to see it as me being that much sicker. I have to keep up appearances . I don't want to mention sh because with psychosis for me it can lead to an accidental attempt. I was already told no new tattoo either. I won't lie but I need to act okay. I can't tell anyone.

Self anger So as everyone knows I'm dealing with a lot of anger / self hate right now. Anna is cruel and I believe everything she says. Even the horrible ideas on how to make things right. I don't want help, I don't want her to go away, other people lie and say things just so they seem nice. I've ****ed up everything that I've touched and am over weight without her guidance.

My mom called me this morning about overdraft the account. She said it was okay but it was her last $20 for the month.

Then we got the apartment and will probably loose it because I have no way to get my tax returns because I have no federal id. And the soonest I can get in is nov. 15th and that's too late. Apt complex is just like we need it. IRS sent the transcript to FL it'll get there in about 2 weeks but there's no way to get it sent here. So I don't know what to do. And of course I don't know what to do because (whatever you can think of I've thought of worse). I've only cried 3 times today. At this point I don't even know what to say to t. I wish I never met her. I'm having difficulty keeping down food too. Who knows what it'll be like by Thursday

I choose psychotic, successful, and skinny. I never should have listened to Drs out of fear. I could have been someone.

In all honesty I don't think I can be successful anymore. I'm to old I ruined my chance.

Okay I'm being a bit dramatic. My scholarship wants me to sign up for class within the month.

So I let in h a little. I told him I want to keep Anna and she's the only one telling the truth. That society is just trying to be nice. I told him I don't want meds. He asked what she is saying. I gave him the PG version but did tell him a he knows I'm struggling with food ****en bulimia is back in full force like it never left.

He doesn't know the bugs are back, that it's a constant berating, or I get no break from the scurrying flying little creatures and flys. That I'm agitated as ****, he doesn't see my random crying because peeing is just a natural part of the day, I ignore it all, smile and function, act like I'm calling/emailing for help but in reality I don't want help. Help comes with being seen, appointments, going outside, possibly hospitalization, fuss, talking (I know I talk a lot here but it's typing), explaining. I'm not sure this will get worse.

In 3 days,I see t. First thing she's going to ask is how I feel. I don't plan to lie but I don't know what to say. I feel fine but that's not really true. Scared maybe because we have to interact for a full 45 minutes. I know it's paranoia but I feel she'll know. I don't want to talk to her. I left a bad review for my psychiatrist. She knows I have that appointment so meds are going to come up. She'll probably ask about my symptoms. I don't want to acted paranoid or not engage. If I cancel someone else that's not a waste of air can have her time.

I need to write down everything to tell her but I don't know how. Help
So this is what I have is there anything else I can) should add.

That's a good list. I know that was hard to make. If you don't think you can say it you can always write it out and hand it to her. I've done that many times and it's been helpful.

I'm sorry you are feeling so awful.

I see her virtually or else I would probably hand it to her and make myself as small as possible. Weird thing is I'm not depressed so saying I feel bad seems wrong but I don't feel wonderful. I should get the medicine in by Wednesday. I don't know whether to take it as like a token of good faith or wait till I talk to her. I feel if I take it there will be more of a chance I stay out of the hospital because I show I'm willing to try but then I give up her.

I woke up wanting to do the right thing for my family .

H sees me interacting with Anna as cheating because she has almost ruined our relationship several times being picked over him. One of my therapist told him not to make me choose because he'll loose every time. I gave up everyone and walked away into a horrible situation to keep her once, I'll do it again. So I need to be loyal and choose him.

I need to remember off medication my thoughts get more and more violent and planning violence is illegal.

I'm deathly afraid of the hospital but if I don't do something fast I'll end up there.

My eating disorder are stupid, rude, and need to be dealt with like children. I need to get the PCA for healthy foods and pay for a dietitian who specializes in eating disorders.

I have to fight to show Victoria it's okay. That being okay is enough. I gave this horrible illness to her now I need to show her what is good about recovery because she's lost.

The crying not much I can do over that, I'm just weak.

Now that I recognize it's paranoia. I have to ignore it.

I have to take care of myself because I can loose everything. Hanging on to 20+ year hallucination isn't going to make me well and now that I know it's a hallucination I need to leave it.

I understand this moment of clarity will pass so I'm posting it here.