Meds

I texted the psychosis clinic hopefully they will get back to me by Thursday.

So the PCA agency called I have to fill out a ton of paperwork for them. I'm only eligible because my husband is disabled too. It'll be years to get one.

You'd be proud, they offered me careers services and I said not right now!

They want statements and receipts from all the people we've borrowed money from and a detailed explanation. We're so ****ed. Hopefully they'll understand it's a loan. Why does getting assistance have to make you feel so ******? I have to go line by line through my 9 banks to find who I borrowed $100+ from and why. I'm such a **** up. I know while child was here I was borrowing $300 a week for him and I think I borrowed from my mom too and my husband best friend these past 3 months. Plus it's h's birthday month. This is so ****ed. Can I get a medical exemption for being unwell? This is such ********. I get no privacy because I need an Ada unit.

So being stoic bit me in the ***. I need to get letters from my providers about why I need a PCA. All my providers I've only seen at most 4 times. I don't go into detail about my struggles ever. Last week was the first time I explained what my dog does for me because she's dieing and I don't know what to do. Apparently hiding behind 2 locked doors in the closet until someone comes home isn't a solution. Neither is not eating or drinking until not alone anymore. She's amazed that I have all these systems in place.

I assume my pdoc reads ts notes because it's literally. Still not sleeping? Yep, still psychotic? Yep are you even trying to take the medicine? Yep okay try x. See me in two weeks.

Where t is like are you still having symptoms? Yep, what kind of symptoms? Don't want to go into this... List of things that aren't to concerning no side comments just a matter in fact list. The only one who knew how bad it was was wv t. This t keeps talking about refractory symptoms. So I think she knows there's a lot more than I'm telling her. I'm scared she'll catch on to the self hate and ask self harm, and suicidal questions. We have a perfectly normal session until she asks about symptoms. The weeks she forgot to she thought I was doing better. How do I become more open and honest with someone that has so much power over me?

I'm not going to because that'll just make everything worse. I'm trying not to be impulsive because that doesn't build faith in me.

I feel so bad that you're suffering so much. Just know that you're not alone in your struggles.

Others like me don't suffer as you do, but we understand the struggle. You're not alone.

@Scooter9 thank you, I know I'll be okay it'll just take time. I don't know how to explain myself. Especially verbally. Everything I go through is mainly internal. I don't know how to explain myself. I wish I wasn't as paranoid because then maybe I could send her a message right before our session to say everything I need to because I won't say it in session. I "enjoy" looking out together and I fear hospitalization. I have two days to figure out what to do with my hair.

I need to eat at some point today. I had a grilled cheese sandwich.

My sleeping medicine has to be handed to my husband but I don't want to admit I'm struggling that much to him. I texted him. I don't understand why the garbage isn't an acceptable place for the med vs.

I explained it to him and he reminded me it'd be a free hospital stay and we just got the paper work insuring that our insurance is all good. He doesn't think that t will hospitalize me as basically my house is already psychosis proof I can have all the gruesome visions in my head but I have no access to anything that can harm (except pills) but that's being taken care of.