Meds

So no Christmas for us. If I take Nov and Dec money (all of it) I can pay off my credit card and close it.We'll be scrapping for food but my credit score will go up 10-50 points or plummet to 0. If I can become an au on someone's card then it'll go up more.

Maybe when v moves out we can find a 1 bedroom ada unit. Honestly I don't think there's a way to get my score high enough for apartments. She's going to have the same problem but we won't know until she moves out. I'm hoping we can figure something out tomorrow. This poverty stuff sucks.

I can't wake h up for another 6 hours. I'm hoping someone gets back to me in 5 hours, then I can wake him up sooner. We're trying to figure out a way when they most likely have someone else lined up and approved already.

I'm just done with this whole credit thing. If I still had a 0 they probably would not have denied me.

So nothing like calling a credit card at 2 am proves your not manic. The brokerage lady has been super nice. I wrote her a letter at 6 am about the 4 options I see possible. She's already wrote back saying she has some ideas too that she will call later about.

She's going to have them run my credit again because fixing all the stuff with the account made my score go up 100 pts. And my bill go down by $100. If by some miracle we can move in to this place then I would like to get her a huge e gift card.

So if we do get the place we will have a December move in date. If we get approval from the complex then we have to get them to take our moving assistance. I have to put in a reasonable accomodation to rent 2 places at once because only my husband can pack and move and we don't own a car. We may have to port out of the city. Plus v and I need state IDs to sign the lease. Then there's transferring utilities and things like that.

So this is only step 2 out of a million steps and so much more can go wrong between. But if we get this place they have to accept section 8 for the next 30 years because of the type of grant they obtained to build the property.

If we get this place we will stop all our plans for the future and focus on getting the resources needed like a PCA, extra EBT, another service dog when this one passes. If we do not get in I'm no longer applying for things daily, I will restart school and work on helping my sister remodel her mother in law suite, I will not get a replacement service dog, and will no longer put our reasonable accomodations through. Basically a lot rides on this about how our future will be.

I hope everything works out. 😊

I feel I barely avoided the hospital even though she really, really wanted me to go. I have the crises unit number. She's pissed at pdoc. And had no idea things were "this" bad and have been this bad since we met. She's worried with the voices and the imaging that I'll get tired and it'll ruin my mood . She didn't fire me. She looked up the psychosis clinic and I'm worried she's going to call and recommend me. It's weird she's concerned because I don't want access to medication. she had me call to transfer pdocs right after getting off the phone with her. We had a bit of an argument over my needs vs making people do there job or inconveniencing others. I feel horrible that I stressed her out when I don't see it as a big deal because I'm not impulsive or lack control. I think she'll argue that last one. She doesn't care if I break my art supplies she wants me coloring, blaring uptempo music, dancing, anything to keep my mood up. I didn't tell her getting high makes it worse. I gave her like a 65% picture she kept saying she wanted the whole picture but I was scared. Like if she knew I was getting high and why would that push her over the edge of me needing services? Because can I really not be impulsive while high. I did tell her I didn't want therapy or meds because of paranoia and my fear of being locked up. I think she's going to work on that fear later. I told her about Anna she doesn't like that I'm interacting with her. I didn't tell her I had a whole hour long out loud argument with her about it not being my fault. Where I was crying and yelling. I did tell her I wouldn't call the crises number but gave it to my husband. We're going to have to work on identifying what a crisis is. She didn't agree on a scale that from stable to crisis where I am at.

She's so going to call the psychosis clinic and making sure I get in.

So I emailed the mh urgent care to see if they can give long acting antipsychotic injection.

It sounds like you did a great job explaining everything to her. That had to have been hard I'm so glad you felt safe enough to do that and that you are getting the help you desperately need. Do you see her again next week?

She's calling Monday for a checkup then our regular Thursday meeting. She really wants me on medication before the week is up. I wasn't able to explain well why I don't want the medicine.

I feel bad I worried her she called and wants a session Monday.

So I made an appointment with my PCP about a breakout on Wednesday. I'm probably not going to be on medication that time.

So I won't know if my referral was accepted until at least Wednesday for the psychosis clinic.