Meds

I texted the psychosis clinic hopefully they will get back to me by Thursday.

So the PCA agency called I have to fill out a ton of paperwork for them. I'm only eligible because my husband is disabled too. It'll be years to get one.

You'd be proud, they offered me careers services and I said not right now!

They want statements and receipts from all the people we've borrowed money from and a detailed explanation. We're so ****ed. Hopefully they'll understand it's a loan. Why does getting assistance have to make you feel so ******? I have to go line by line through my 9 banks to find who I borrowed $100+ from and why. I'm such a **** up. I know while child was here I was borrowing $300 a week for him and I think I borrowed from my mom too and my husband best friend these past 3 months. Plus it's h's birthday month. This is so ****ed. Can I get a medical exemption for being unwell? This is such ********. I get no privacy because I need an Ada unit.

So being stoic bit me in the ***. I need to get letters from my providers about why I need a PCA. All my providers I've only seen at most 4 times. I don't go into detail about my struggles ever. Last week was the first time I explained what my dog does for me because she's dieing and I don't know what to do. Apparently hiding behind 2 locked doors in the closet until someone comes home isn't a solution. Neither is not eating or drinking until not alone anymore. She's amazed that I have all these systems in place.

I assume my pdoc reads ts notes because it's literally. Still not sleeping? Yep, still psychotic? Yep are you even trying to take the medicine? Yep okay try x. See me in two weeks.

Where t is like are you still having symptoms? Yep, what kind of symptoms? Don't want to go into this... List of things that aren't to concerning no side comments just a matter in fact list. The only one who knew how bad it was was wv t. This t keeps talking about refractory symptoms. So I think she knows there's a lot more than I'm telling her. I'm scared she'll catch on to the self hate and ask self harm, and suicidal questions. We have a perfectly normal session until she asks about symptoms. The weeks she forgot to she thought I was doing better. How do I become more open and honest with someone that has so much power over me?

I'm not going to because that'll just make everything worse. I'm trying not to be impulsive because that doesn't build faith in me.

I feel so bad that you're suffering so much. Just know that you're not alone in your struggles.

Others like me don't suffer as you do, but we understand the struggle. You're not alone.

@Scooter9 thank you, I know I'll be okay it'll just take time. I don't know how to explain myself. Especially verbally. Everything I go through is mainly internal. I don't know how to explain myself. I wish I wasn't as paranoid because then maybe I could send her a message right before our session to say everything I need to because I won't say it in session. I "enjoy" looking out together and I fear hospitalization. I have two days to figure out what to do with my hair.

I need to eat at some point today. I had a grilled cheese sandwich.

My sleeping medicine has to be handed to my husband but I don't want to admit I'm struggling that much to him. I texted him. I don't understand why the garbage isn't an acceptable place for the med vs.

I explained it to him and he reminded me it'd be a free hospital stay and we just got the paper work insuring that our insurance is all good. He doesn't think that t will hospitalize me as basically my house is already psychosis proof I can have all the gruesome visions in my head but I have no access to anything that can harm (except pills) but that's being taken care of.

So the complex still has to approve us. So we can't put our 30 days notice in yet. I'm very surprised I woke up. I think I'm only going to take that medicine prn. I don't know. I wish the psychosis clinic would call me back. I wish I didn't feel this was all my fault. Anna is not helping.

See I **** everything up. We were denied due to credit. **** Sza.

The lady on our case is super nice and trying to figure out if there's a bypass to still get us in. I hate being screamed at that it's all my fault. It's annoying because it's not my fault.those where moving costs we took out.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to move states, again.

So I emailed them and asked them to re-run the credit check as my credit went up over 100 pts just by updating my address on my account.

So no Christmas for us. If I take Nov and Dec money (all of it) I can pay off my credit card and close it.We'll be scrapping for food but my credit score will go up 10-50 points or plummet to 0. If I can become an au on someone's card then it'll go up more.

Maybe when v moves out we can find a 1 bedroom ada unit. Honestly I don't think there's a way to get my score high enough for apartments. She's going to have the same problem but we won't know until she moves out. I'm hoping we can figure something out tomorrow. This poverty stuff sucks.

I can't wake h up for another 6 hours. I'm hoping someone gets back to me in 5 hours, then I can wake him up sooner. We're trying to figure out a way when they most likely have someone else lined up and approved already.

I'm just done with this whole credit thing. If I still had a 0 they probably would not have denied me.

So nothing like calling a credit card at 2 am proves your not manic. The brokerage lady has been super nice. I wrote her a letter at 6 am about the 4 options I see possible. She's already wrote back saying she has some ideas too that she will call later about.

She's going to have them run my credit again because fixing all the stuff with the account made my score go up 100 pts. And my bill go down by $100. If by some miracle we can move in to this place then I would like to get her a huge e gift card.

So if we do get the place we will have a December move in date. If we get approval from the complex then we have to get them to take our moving assistance. I have to put in a reasonable accomodation to rent 2 places at once because only my husband can pack and move and we don't own a car. We may have to port out of the city. Plus v and I need state IDs to sign the lease. Then there's transferring utilities and things like that.

So this is only step 2 out of a million steps and so much more can go wrong between. But if we get this place they have to accept section 8 for the next 30 years because of the type of grant they obtained to build the property.

If we get this place we will stop all our plans for the future and focus on getting the resources needed like a PCA, extra EBT, another service dog when this one passes. If we do not get in I'm no longer applying for things daily, I will restart school and work on helping my sister remodel her mother in law suite, I will not get a replacement service dog, and will no longer put our reasonable accomodations through. Basically a lot rides on this about how our future will be.

I hope everything works out. 😊

I feel I barely avoided the hospital even though she really, really wanted me to go. I have the crises unit number. She's pissed at pdoc. And had no idea things were "this" bad and have been this bad since we met. She's worried with the voices and the imaging that I'll get tired and it'll ruin my mood . She didn't fire me. She looked up the psychosis clinic and I'm worried she's going to call and recommend me. It's weird she's concerned because I don't want access to medication. she had me call to transfer pdocs right after getting off the phone with her. We had a bit of an argument over my needs vs making people do there job or inconveniencing others. I feel horrible that I stressed her out when I don't see it as a big deal because I'm not impulsive or lack control. I think she'll argue that last one. She doesn't care if I break my art supplies she wants me coloring, blaring uptempo music, dancing, anything to keep my mood up. I didn't tell her getting high makes it worse. I gave her like a 65% picture she kept saying she wanted the whole picture but I was scared. Like if she knew I was getting high and why would that push her over the edge of me needing services? Because can I really not be impulsive while high. I did tell her I didn't want therapy or meds because of paranoia and my fear of being locked up. I think she's going to work on that fear later. I told her about Anna she doesn't like that I'm interacting with her. I didn't tell her I had a whole hour long out loud argument with her about it not being my fault. Where I was crying and yelling. I did tell her I wouldn't call the crises number but gave it to my husband. We're going to have to work on identifying what a crisis is. She didn't agree on a scale that from stable to crisis where I am at.

She's so going to call the psychosis clinic and making sure I get in.

So I emailed the mh urgent care to see if they can give long acting antipsychotic injection.