Bipolar Check-in #84

We're up to 1000 posts again so here's a new one. I'll link it on the old one and ask that it be closed.

I'm having a really bad day. It's been bad for a few weeks, but its culminating to a head right now. I'm fighting with my mom about me working and her wanting every penny I make. I'm struggling through very complex emotions of my past since my ex's new, but soon to be ex, husband reached out to say they are divorcing ( it's a long story why he even did but I do think his intentions were sincere. He's not trying to put me through the past... just trying to sort out his own emotions with someone who can understand). I am learning to hate being at home, I hate being at work. I hate everything and everyone. I'm acting out in wreckless ways and I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin.

Every day it just gets that much harder. I don't know what to do. I just want to give up. Give up my job, give up trying to be happy, give up everything in my life so i just can have unhappiness but without the world berating me at the same time. I'm so sick of it all.

Just posting this to get updates.

Did 30 minutes on the treadmill. It relaxed me

I didn't realize that there would be withdrawels to the elavil. But I'm dizzy and having light sensitivtiy and I'm really nauseated. I threw up on the way to therapy and I couldn't really concentrate today which I guess is another med withdrawel symptom. She was just shooting the breeze so much about nonsense and her lights were bothering me, I asked if we were done a few minutes early. And idk if I was kinda being abrupt or not but I needed to throw up again and I didn't want to do it in her office.

Now I'm in bed with a headache and I'm nauseated but I'm not that anxious.

My moms retirement fund went way up at least.

Terrible sleep last night. The neighbours dog kept wining really loudly outside my bedroom window but on their side of the property. Our boundary is really close. It carried on and on and on. He’s gone away and his wife works night shift so there was no one home to tell the damn dog to keep quiet. It’s a husky. It was howling at the moon or something. Eventually my partner got up to tell the dog to keep quiet. Didn’t really do much. I have a pretty uneventful day today. Seeing my gp at 1:00pm to discuss perimenopause. I bet you she’s going to make me have a bunch of blood tests first. Sigh. I know I’m in perimenopause because my period has gone from a strict 28 day cycle to at least 60 days and it’s becoming extremely light whereas it used to be heavy. I’ll update after my gp appointment.

@Crazy Hitch - I suspect I'm in perimenopause too. My periods are still pretty regular, but they are very, very light. I haven't had any tests run yet though. The gynecologist said maybe next year he'd do some bloodwork.

@Brentus - I'm so sorry about the depression. It really is a hard thing to deal with. Has your pdoc tried adjusting/changing your medication to see if that would help?

I've been reading a lot today. I get hyperfocused on it. I also made chocolate chip cookies from scratch, and I almost never bake but this is the 3rd time I've made cookies within the last 2 months.

Nice about the cookies Blueberrybook. I love to bake. Especially this time of year. It’s super therapeutic and always puts me in a good mood. I just got some pie crusts for some pies I’m making soon. I’m making a homemade egg custard pie and a homemade chess pie. Both with graham cracker crusts. Hopefully they come out good. I also grabbed a bag of chocolate chips while at the store the other day in case I want to make cookies at some point.

Right now I’m just watching some anime shows on Netflix and Hulu. Have some cinnamon vanilla scented wax melting in my scentsy wax warmer. And have a coffee. Might read in a little while on my Kindle. I took a shower which felt good. I still need to meditate for 15-20 minutes, try to do it everyday cause it’s really helpful for my mental health.

I'm so mad. I've been trying to make plans for loosing half our income medical and food. Everyone is like well v needs to step up and provide for your family, **** off. Yes she has a degree but she also deals with her walls scratching and breathing, autism, dissociation, multiple personalities, mood swings, as well as a host of other things. So just getting up and eating is a win. She'd need to bathe to get a job. I know I hide my troubles from my family but I just want to lay into them about the daily struggles and how much they ****ed us.

have to get an ultrasound on my liver, a colonoscopy and an upper endoscopy ugh

I saw my primary dr today. The CT scan they did at the hospital showed a fairly large cyst on one of my ovaries. So now I’m scheduled for an ultrasound. This could be why I’ve missed a period. And why I had lower back pain radiating around to my thighs.

Biggest news! N3 got into university of Michigan! He’s going for computer engineering. Got his acceptance letter in his email yesterday! He bought me a blue and maize “Michigan Mom” sweatshirt! He starts next semester.

I kinda have things under control now. I bought 4 types of nausea meds from Walmart I haven't tried yet. And I turned off the TV and closed the blinds so my headache is ok.

My anxiety is out of control though. I tried this nauaea med called Gravol and I am dizzy as **** and my heart is pounding I can hear it in my ears and feel it in my face.

I got some pepto bismol fast melts which are gross. But my nausea is ok now I just feel like my heart is gonna stop. I've taken Tums, and Emetrol too today. And my pantropaoloze.

I did eat some cheese that may have been recalled. But mainly its just anxiety tonight.

I keep waking up at 4 and not going back to sleep.

Yesterday, I officially stopped counseling (at least for now). I decided to go in person-after seeing her for over three years, just sending a message would not have provided me with the closure I needed. She said she was glad I came in to tell her too. It's weird-it's like a weight has lifted off of my shoulders. I didn't realize how much I felt like I had to be in counseling even though I don't want to be anymore. I'm also just burned out from all of the counseling work. I'm nervous about not having regular sessions, but my counselor made it very clear that if an emergency comes up I can message her and she'll get me in. She is starting to practice Internal Family Systems, a type of counseling that I'm not really a fan of, so it's probably a good time for me to be ending seeing her. The few times she tried to use internal family systems with me, it didn't go well.

I wish I would have done a better job of thanking her for all of the help she has given me these past few years though.

School was good today-I got a lot done. And, I was in a better mood than I've been in in awhile.

I had anxiety and nausea tonight but nothing else until now.

Dinner with my husband's mom was fun. 😁 We ended up going to a Mexican restaurant instead, so my husband and I got to eat something other than salad. Yay! I ate way too much though. I feel like I'm about to pop! My anxiety has been through the roof. I'm SO happy I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow morning because I'm so anxious and scared about the future now it makes me tear up. I've been popping seroquel like m&m's, just to deal with the anxiety.

Dark times are ahead, yes, but I told my husband today that we will prevail because we are strong. 💪

I just really, REALLY need to talk to my therapist!! I hate needing a therapist so much. I never have in the past. This is the first time for me. It's kind of freaking me out, to need your therapist so much.