Mental health center employees tracking me?

Yeah, no. For me the options are between psychosis of at times severe levels, mild psychosis with antipsychotics, and suicide, and in the order of preference I'd take it'd go psychosis sometimes severe, suicide, and then mild psychosis with antipsychotics & their side effects.

I've had 6 "real" suicide attempts, none were before anti psychotics (my first was a Seroquel OD when it didn't work, made me fat, sleep too much with lotta nightmares, suck at sports, and restless), none were after stopping them at the beginning of this year (when after 2+ years I decided if my pdoc wouldn't take me off the EPS-inducing APs, I'd take a bunch of blood out of my body) if that says anything.

I can deal with not trusting my thoughts. I can't deal with wandering the neighborhood all night because sitting still/laying down feels worse than ANYTHING I've ever gone through. Maybe my bipolar's not that severe, but the best I've done was on lithium (which I can't take anymore), and the second best I've ever done was unmedicated. The worst I've done was on two or three antipsychotics. I'm not hurting anyone right now on Depakote and Ritalin.

I've never had and sustained complete and total trust in ANYBODY. That's just not something I know how to do. Do I trust my pdoc not to shank me in an appointment? Yeah. Do I trust the mailman not to slip a bomb he made under the car? I don't think that'll happen, so I guess. I don't know if that's trust or just looking at the stats of mailmen blowing up cars, but either way. Do I trust there's someone out there who has always has another's best interest at heart? Not at all, especially if I'm an other.

I have a pdoc appointment next week and I'm going to tell her to stop prescribing Ritalin at least for a bit and see how that goes. I'll probably sleep 12 hours less a day and want to kill myself, but maybe I'll hold a meal down and not see spiders on the ceiling?

i sometimes see spiders too. sucks. sorry its so rough with you for meds.

I don't even mind seeing the spiders. Feeling them is horrible, but I feel like I could be Fred Durst at this point and everything sucks therefore nothing sucks. Being under water doesn't matter if there's nothing that isn't under water, then it's just being in it.