[MuddyBoots]

Okay, I’m in a fking deep pit now.

If I’m honest with my team, I will be thrown into a a cop car and dragged to the ER in handcuffs faster than you can write three vowels in pen (as fast as my pdoc can write IEA in pen at least).

Except that’s not gonna help. The prior 50 hospital stays haven’t given me hope, the last time I was brought to the hospital all they did was give me activated charcoal because when they said I can voluntarily go (in legal words only) or involuntarily go. I didn’t like those options so I headed to the liquor store with a lotta valium in my pocket, except I nearly passed out on my way and was too paranoid to show my license if they carded me because it was after the time they said they’d call the police and never bought the alcohol bit. If I had been forced to the state hospital, I would probably be discharged on July 11th and would be attempting same day again as well, but my *** incapable of ANY form of rest probably wouldn’t die anyway and would just go back and forth between climbing bridge fences and getting restrained because I got scared of shadows.

Half the sleep I got in the past two weeks, I’m seeing now, is only due to med abuse. The other half is probably because I passed out puking or in the form of a nap waiting past my appointment time.

Yesterday (I really hope my CM just sucks at communicating), I was told the plan is to go to the hospital every time I’m weighed and it’s not higher than it was last time until they find a legitimate thing to fix or until they feel I will not be safe if I leave. Not if I say “I will only definitely not be safe if I get admitted for the fiftieth time and feel the way most of the time I’ve been discharged the past 50 times which is too similar to how I felt before each admission if not entirely the opposite in an equally bad way.” Same extent of extreme, different side of “okay.” An emotional absolute value, essentially.

I was told if I find a different provider they will call the police to bring me to the ER. That feels horrible to hear when every time I feel “in crisis” it’s ALWAYS because I talked to someone on the team and hear the same things repeated “we’re concerned,” (so unless the scale says a higher number next time we remember to weigh you, and to hope that’ll happen we’ll tell you to spend all your money on nutritional supplements you have said time and time again you hate the taste of but do put some instant breakfast in yogurt or make chai lattes out of or do anything with but mix with dairy milk and swallow like the box says and most people do with, we’ll make things worse), “you look good!” (Because you guys weren’t working yesterday and I had a decent day having not have seen any of you “professional mental health providers.”), or it was caused because we were supposed to meet and I made space and time to but was forgotten about completely until I had woken up from a nap and someone just happened to ask why I was there and said who I was seeing wasn’t there. Or I called the crisis line in crisis and didn’t get a call back, but was told 4 days later “we heard that message and were concerned about your state.” (But didn’t call back or call EMS after a nonsensical delirious rambling message from someone y’all are always “so concerned” about her physical health?????)

My CM went on how she keeps looking for eating disorder treatment for me over the years and I keep refusing (she found ONE residential that accepts my insurance but also only people under 16 and told me to lie about my age and educate myself on the latest social media trends back in 2023 and asks about this ONE PHP I DO NOT have transport to that has denied me three times already] every fking week). I found more concrete “treatment” in one weekend by discovering chatGPT (which using for therapy feels like using a microwave instead of a wood stove and old timey kettle to heat water) and a zoom support group (that will allow new members to register IN AUGUST!) than she has in 3 years of whatever tf she’s doing.

If you guys have been concerned for a while, how come for months it was “you look great!” “You sound good!” “You’re getting better!” until my pdoc said some quantities past vs present in a meeting and then all of a sudden “you’re gonna die!” from everyone?

Okay, enough hate, how do I see them so I don’t get hospitalized but treat myself in spite of them stressing me into crisis every time I struggle to navigate their bs and rules and things based on none of what I see and a lot I can’t see for the life of me. I can’t see how I would’ve gotten into a residential for under 16 y/o’s as a then 27 y/o who has been awake more hours than quite a few 40 year olds.

[Victoria'smom]

The housing you have is it a voucher that can be absorbed by another area? If It can be then get prepared to move after your year. move to an area that accepts instate medicaid for the treatment center. You'd have to be really careful to cancel your medicaid by the end of the month you are moving So you can get medicaid in the new state as soon as the first hits.Set up an intake before you move. Don't transfer your file do a new intake and ask for a neropsych exam instead. If they ask why tell them you have had so many diagnosis that you want to start new. You need to set up your teem before you move. We moved here because of medical and social services. Honestly I don't think they can stop you from moving. In all honesty your area does not have the services to keep you alive. You deserve to get better.

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by Victoria'smom

The housing you have is it a voucher that can be absorbed by another area? If It can be then get prepared to move after your year. move to an area that accepts instate medicaid for the treatment center. You'd have to be really careful to cancel your medicaid by the end of the month you are moving So you can get medicaid in the new state as soon as the first hits.Set up an intake before you move. Don't transfer your file do a new intake and ask for a neropsych exam instead. If they ask why tell them you have had so many diagnosis that you want to start new. You need to set up your teem before you move. We moved here because of medical and social services. Honestly I don't think they can stop you from moving. In all honesty your area does not have the services to keep you alive. You deserve to get better.

It is not even a voucher really. I think it’s actually technically a subsidized transitional housing program run by the city’s housing authority/a section of it that works to reduce homelessness, domestic violence, drug/alcohol use, stuff that generally causes or is caused by homelessness. I got in because I stayed at a nearby homeless shelter that let me apply due to disability and trying to get away from abuse/other active addicts.

[Victoria'smom]

Oh I'm sorry how long are you able to stay?

[MuddyBoots]

Until I die or have enough income to afford not-subsidized rent pretty much. It's only "transitional" in that it's getting away from horribleness while providing an opportunity to build a new life, not temporary.

[Victoria'smom]

Okay good there is no time limit. Please follow the rules so they don't evict you. Is there a way to put in a transfer in the center you go to? since you can't move ask for the head supervisor as your team. I'm sorry your getting forced treatment and it's not even good. Did you find the list of meds you have tried and write down why it doesn't work. Do you have a folder with your information about diagnosis and med that don't work? or a medical bracelet? I'd try going over there heads. I don't know you can advocate for yourself then that. I'm on my last meds before the one that requires blood work regularly.

[Blueberrybook]

No one says ED treatment is the only solution to helping your ED. In fact, if you are not ready to recover, all the progress you make in treatment, you start undoing the moment you leave treatment, and I don't know muddy but you are stubborn enough that I think if you just up and decided you were going to see yourself through recovery, you can do just that. It's not common to recover from an ED without ED treatment, but on the other hand, I mostly did except a few minor blips. I don't know that my recovery would have stuck nearly as well if I hadn't done it on my own, so there is that in its favor as well as taking it at a do-able pace. The main things, the things you need to do to recover as far as eating, exercising, not calorie counting, filling your time with positive hobbies, not letting you "distract" yourself from eating. If you really do distract yourself, if my case, my "disctractions" were not really distractions so much as adhering to the ED. Start with baby steps and work up and work very hard to limit/complete reduce purging (even exercise as much as doable). Pay a bit more if it means going to a store that doesn't have you walking 4 miles to get there.

Use your brain; you obviously have a good one or you wouldn't be able to solve such complicated mathematics. And you've got plenty of stubbornness to boot. It took me a TON of willpower (especially in the beginning), a lot of CBT (redirecting hours of daily exercise into hobbies such as putting together jigsaw puzzles), stopping counting calories, stopping labelling foods as good or bad and if I'd over eaten not giving in to doing more exercise or using laxatives (given I couldn't vomit many foods easily though some are much each than others as I'm sure you know and it may be best not to buy things of that nature if you can avoid it).

Really, I'd like to see you have a life again muddy, I mean a real life, not a life juggling between hospitals and living at the mercy of an ED. You deserve that and there is life ahead of you if you get past this point. The recovery process sucks, gaining weight feels really sucky, not gonna lie to you but things did even out for me though all told it took about a year total to be able to get my old metabolism back once I had gotten to a low but healthy BMI.

[MuddyBoots]

fkinng hell I just wrote a long *** reply on how I'm literally asking how not to count calories and label foods good or bad when I am forced to see two people on a weekly basis that ask what I've been eating who freak out if I can't even remember if it was this morning or two weeks ago I started leaving here at 2am because I'd rather be outside than feel trapped when I'm thinking about the times I had no choice in action because I had a literal gun either directly or indirectly being used to threaten me if I didn't do something they wanted when no one cares about keeping people up at night because they don't realize some people go a little fking insane when a good percentage of their sleep is in a mental health clinic lobby because they were forgotten to exist at the time of their appointment (this even happens for med management) because I'm stressin just thinking about them, let alone actually talking to them and listening to them ask me if I've "eaten this food? it's good"

I shouldn't have even checked this thread this late at night on a Tuesday because now I'm worried if I go get my meds tomorrow morning I won't come back and I don't fking remember or have any way of figuring out whether I consumed or burned more energy/mass over the past week. I know I did not sleep a hell of a lot. I know that because why else would I have been taking so much valium that taking five times my dose doesn't prevent me from running the fastest mile I've run in probably years because I saw a clock and realized if I don't die, and based on how I feel I will not unless it's by gunshot by police, the police are gonna get me (I guess the middle would be both dying and the police getting me). And didn't die, and was put in handcuffs later to be told by the only one on the team I can handle talking to, "I don't know, I saw you hauling-*** across downtown, if that EKG said you're either in fight or flight or a badass athlete I wouldn't know which."

So yeah, I don't think I'm going to sleep tonight either because I am wound tf up with the anxiety of "am I going to have to have IV Ativan every two hours AGAIN just for the safety of myself and everyone around me because where I'm going feels so threatening I turn into fking wolf monster tomorrow?"

[Victoria'smom]

I hope you sleep some

[MuddyBoots]

I cannot because I have convinced myself if I don’t put pants on to throw out two apples I didn’t think about before buying (the threat of being away from here for two weeks without knowing I’m not coming back but knowing of the possibility any time I leave has kept me from a legitimate grocery store trip where I bring my bags and take the bus and buy more than what I can walk home and spend $40 vs $75 by taking the bus to the further cheaper place because I don’t want to purchase food that is just going to fester and rot, and maybe THIS time is when they get a judge to turn a two week stay into the rest of my life so maybe I should just be prepared to unexpectedly “move” indefinitely to the state hospital) right now I’m going to be homeless again.

I don’t even know if I wrote that in a way anyone has a chance of comprehending. I don’t even know when I got the fking apples and I don’t know if I gained 5, lost 5 or stayed the same and NONE of those answers can surprise me tomorrow because I have so fking little clue as to what I’m doing most moments I can’t guess at the past couple days let alone a full week of a lot of stress and not a lot of memory.