[HighPockets]

Hello,

I'm new to this forum and the world of mental illness. I've been married for 15 years, and in that time, have watched my brother-in-law go from being married, to having 3 children, self employed, down to a divorce, lose his kids (custody battle, gets to seem them on occasion), lose his house, go bankrupt and a host of other misdemeanors with the law.

About 3 years ago he moved back to his parents, which was a battle in itself as he had to overcome the pride issue of going home. As a family we struggled with understanding what was going on. He would disappear for periods of time, mostly, his ex-wife accused him of being alcoholic(her father was, according to her).

In recent years, the doctors have diagnosed him as Bi-Polar (don't know which type). He is on medication, but seems to stop using or runs out without telling anyone, and then starts drinking again. Sometimes he steals the drink from neighbor homes where he does work, or if he gets cash he goes and buys the drink. He can't drive, lost his license for 5 years, ending up assaulting police officer, and spent time in the hospital with a broken jaw.

On occasion he has used the time with his teenage son (15 years old) when going to a movie to divert to the LCBO and pick up some drink.

His oldest son (15 years) is now living with my wife and I due to unresolved issues with his mother (who has custody). The other two children continue to reside with the mother and her new husband. We do what we can to encourage the younger kids to communicate with their mother, but frankly her dominance is so strong, their comments usually fall on deaf ears. We are hoping that her new husband will bring the balance needed.

There is much more to the story in terms of incidents, conflict etc. The purpose of my post is to hear from those who have bi-polar (if willing) about the family dynamic when it came time for those in a support role to help the one ill.

My brother-in-law's behavior is escalating (manic), his parents are in their late 60's and I'm not sure how much longer they can take it and/or their ability to stay objective in handling his illness. The mother is the typical old school caregiver personality, and the father is the typical dominate, successful businessman. Both have made changes in recent years, but the hardcore character is still there, which I'm sure complicates the dynamic of my brother-in-laws episode(s).

Currently we believe he hasn't been on his meds for 1-2 weeks, and potentially it will be another week before they are in his system again. In the last two weeks he has started drinking, and sniffing around for money. I know I can't approach him now; the focus has to be on his safety only at this time, but after this episode ends, how do we approach the situation?

I'm sure he feels conflict about what he is going through, and immense guilt about his family breakdown (he, in his natural state, is nothing like the person he becomes when manic), but getting him to talk seems impossible.

When he is out of the manic state, is it appropriate to talk about what is going on? Can we lay ground rules so the family can respond better when he enters a episode? How did people in your life get the point across to you? If you have support from family, do you have a process in place where, when they see the signs, and series of steps occur to help you through the episode?

I know we can't fix it, but his behavior results in damage to relationships with his family, his kids, it further complicates the custody issues and results in him not being to work.

I'm not going to write him off, he, like every human, is worth the effort, I just don't know how best to reach through the clouded thinking he has, and build that trust so we can help him better manage the episodes.

Thanks,

HighPockets

[bizi]

Wow!
You have way too much on your plate.
It is wonderful that you are searching for input to help your brother in law and ultimately help your whole family.
YOu are trying to fix this.
I wish there was some easy way .....unless he is willing to get better than he isn't.
If he is in danger, to himself or others you can have him picked up via police intervention to have him hospitalized.
There are organizations....NAMI that run support groups for family members and for the patient. Bridges is the group name here in louisiana.
It is probably best to adrress this after he has become more stable after this manic stage....he will be more receptive then.
He sounds like he has dual diagnosis , drinking problem and bipolar...which many of us drink to try to self medicate.
He may not be on the right meds or he may not take them because of bad side effects.
Do you have a therapist to talk to? Does he? could you go with him to yours or be willing to make his appointment for him? would he let you?
thank you again
keep posting,
you could encourage him to post here too....jsut don't tell him your name.
Until he faces/accepts his illness this will continue to be a terrible situation. Many times manic men get into trouble and spend time in jail.
this sounds very hard on your family and you are a good man to want to help.
((((HUGS)))))
bizi

[HighPockets]

You raise good questions for thought. He does have a therapist, and we are trying as a family to meet with him, so group discussions can happen. My B-in-L does things to frustrate this planning, I think in some ways he is still running, I get the feeling that if we know exactly who he has become, his thoughts, his feelings, that we will leave him on his own. Fear is an incredible immobilizer.

The docs are going through sets of drugs to find what works, B-in-L does seem more willing to communicate with his mother about what works and what doesn't, to my wife and I he keeps the "good time charlie" attitude/mask on, so it's hard to have any serious or meaningful conversation with him.

I'm trying to figure out how to break through it. Keep in mind, I'm about 6 years younger then him, I'm living in the house he had before, and now his son has opted to live with us vs. him or his ex. At this point I am a easy target for the emotional pain and frustration he has about life and his situation. After his father, I make a great enemy #1.

I don't have a therapist, and for now don't need one although I see the benefit. My character is a that of a troubleshooter, I'm interested in what makes people tick, and have for sometime learned the lessons of not taking things personal (I work as a Project Manager in technology, it requires thick skin!). Doesn't mean I don't need guidance, I need it, since I don't know everything.

B-in-L won't post, he struggles to do the basics in life, only do one thing at a time, and even though goes through huge stress to accomplish the task. He finally fell asleep last night after about 3 days of extremely low sleep.

You hit the nail, on acceptance of the illness. I Think this is the roadblock, and only see getting together with him and his therapist, talking about his behaviors when the manic hits etc. as the only way to help pull him out of his emotional hiding place.

[bizi]

WEll if you can meet with his therapist that would be great to have a mediator.
It can take a long time to get his meds straightened out...this is frustrating. but his meds are a big big part of the solution.
For some people the meds don't work at all...which can be devastating in and of itself.

I don't know what he is on or what he has tried..do you?
I would be more than happy to talk about specific medications if you want.
Just to be clear....I am not a mental health professional.
If you show consern for him than how can you get into trouble?
It all boils down to how you approach the issue.
He needs to trust you.
keep posting...this is a good place to vent too.
bizi

[RelientK]

This is a sad story. I think you did the right thing by asking Bipolar people because we are the only ones who really know what it feels like. Everyone else has to rely on buzz words to obtain simple rationalizations of a complex situation. This is even true for the doctors.

First and Foremost: Medicine. He must take his medicine. If he stops taking it then it is because of one or more of the following:
1) side effects
2) lazy
3) they aren't working
4) financial/health care
5) No confidence in his doctor

Figure which of these apply. Make the proper adjustments.

When we are in mood episodes, our perception of the world changes. It is very dramatic and you cannot break the cycle with words alone. Words do help. You need to convince him that he can achieve inner peace and feel good like he did during his happy times. Explain to him (because he does not realize it yet) that his view of the world, other people, and inner musings are all skewed from his original personality. Tell him that a good doctor that he trusts and the proper medication will eventually make a dramatic improvement.

I am biased when it comes to medicine. With that said, let me shamelessly suggest Lithium ER 900mg daily and Lamictal. I went from suicidal to completely normal after 6 days on Lithium.

Good luck and check back in with us for updates.