[rachaelkrinks]

Hi there,

My father in law is dying of a brain tumour and I'm supporting my partner, only 33 and an only child, watching his dad die, and helping to support his mum. It's just awful and my mum died of cancer when I was at around the same age. So I'm a great support but of course it's triggering depression and grief in me now - I got through my own mum dying by smoking marijuana every day, using valium, drinking like a fish, being reckless with relationships/sex etc, as a single student person at the time.

Now I'm a 'responsible' 'grown up' with a proper job, how the hell am I meant to support my partner, deal with my own grief, stave off a bipolar/depression triggered by this stuff, with no drugs, moderate alcohol etc! ???!! i don't know how to do it. My instinct is always to numb myself. How to face it with grace and somehow deal with the feelings?

[luvdogs]

Originally Posted by rachaelkrinks

Hi there,

My father in law is dying of a brain tumour and I'm supporting my partner, only 33 and an only child, watching his dad die, and helping to support his mum. It's just awful and my mum died of cancer when I was at around the same age. So I'm a great support but of course it's triggering depression and grief in me now - I got through my own mum dying by smoking marijuana every day, using valium, drinking like a fish, being reckless with relationships/sex etc, as a single student person at the time.

Now I'm a 'responsible' 'grown up' with a proper job, how the hell am I meant to support my partner, deal with my own grief, stave off a bipolar/depression triggered by this stuff, with no drugs, moderate alcohol etc! ???!! i don't know how to do it. My instinct is always to numb myself. How to face it with grace and somehow deal with the feelings?

i can relate--that's how i got thru my mom's dying and death.then i got sober and clean,got thru a close friend's death w the help of aa friends.but---after 4 yrs of being clean i relapsed,went thru the death of my bestest and only real friend w tons of vicodin and ativan and muscle relaxers.do you go to aa or na ?? they are wonderful people.i'm not ready to stop using myself,but it sounds like you don't want to use.i do know there are healthier ways to grieve......i've lost alot of loved ones,it's one of my problems,i feel i am grieving all the time.i did see a grief counselor once,that might help.sorry,i'm trying to help,but i'm not too good at it now.

[Eleora]

I think it's important you be honest with your partner. You can support him just by being by his side, but also focus on limiting the amount of stress you're experiencing. It'll be a balancing act, for sure, but I think you also need to realise it's normal to feel sad or overwhelmed when someone you care about, or someone who is related to the person you care about is going to die. It reminds you of a lot of things that invoke deep feelings and it's healthier to try and deal with it and go through it now then medicate it or numb it away. These feelings won't go away with the use of alcohol or drugs, it will just put it off.

Let yourself express your emotions. Don't bottle it up, try to numb it, etc. Feel free to cry, write things down, confide in close friends/your partner; don't be afraid to feel angry or upset with what's happening.

I think my signature really applies to situations like this:

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' - Eleanor Roosevelt"

I hope for all the best for you. I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time.

[rachaelkrinks]

Thanks so much for your thoughts - and I loved your signature quote - it's so helpful to have this kind of support - thanks

Originally Posted by girlbassplayer

I think it's important you be honest with your partner. You can support him just by being by his side, but also focus on limiting the amount of stress you're experiencing. It'll be a balancing act, for sure, but I think you also need to realise it's normal to feel sad or overwhelmed when someone you care about, or someone who is related to the person you care about is going to die. It reminds you of a lot of things that invoke deep feelings and it's healthier to try and deal with it and go through it now then medicate it or numb it away. These feelings won't go away with the use of alcohol or drugs, it will just put it off.

Let yourself express your emotions. Don't bottle it up, try to numb it, etc. Feel free to cry, write things down, confide in close friends/your partner; don't be afraid to feel angry or upset with what's happening.

I think my signature really applies to situations like this:

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' - Eleanor Roosevelt"

I hope for all the best for you. I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time.

[rachaelkrinks]

Hey there Luvdogs, you did help! Just having people take the time to write in support is help in itself, and knowing other people have been through the same thing and have good advice, so thanks so much.

[funnyguy]

I too have experienced some tremendous loss over the past month and half. My Mother died a couple of weeks ago from sudden heart attack. One of my good friends committed suicide in my Therapist's office last month, and then my therapist terminated my group treatment suddenly. I went to a grief therapist but that was terrible. I'm very frustrated on how to get the professional help I wanted. I don't trust the therapy process right now and am Looking for anyway to cope with all these losses. It's like there are many layers of grief going on now.